Permission

Despite my parents being violently taken from me, I have lived a sheltered life. I know that about myself, but still my naivete leads me to trust people I shouldn’t. All Adam had to do was look at me, smile and treat me with the compassion I had been craving for so long. And so I told him everything.

I knew it was crazy for me to believe that this 25-year old man with stunning green eyes was interested in me. I am just his teen employee cleaning up after the elderly residents and pulling weeds in the garden after all. But when he kept inviting me to stay and have coffee with him after my shift, I couldn’t help but feel special. I should have known, with all that had been going on in my life lately, that I needed to be on guard and keep secret what I had discovered about my past. But I found myself spilling everything to Adam...my conversation with Glen before his arrest, Mrs. Shelley’s passing messages along from my parents’ friends, and even Barbara’s admission that she was no longer going to take the medication that kept her confused and complacent. And because of me and my ridiculous teenage insecurity and desperate need for love and belonging, my friend is dead.

I know the official report from the doctor says that Barbara’s heart gave out. I was the one who discovered she had passed away, and the doctor only spent a few minutes examining her before determining the cause of death. Maybe the long walks and all of the gardening we had done this summer had worn her out. She secretly had been flushing her medication for weeks now and perhaps I pushed her into endangering her health - I don’t know what she was supposed to have been taking or what her medical condition actually was. But I can’t help but think that she seemed healthy when I left her yesterday, right before I went to see Adam.

Barbara was expecting some new information today from Jennifer, an old friend of hers who is an assistant at an infirmary where we believe they take political dissenters for treatment after interrogation. Jennifer has always been very outspoken against the last uprising in Arcadia, but in reality, at least according to Barbara, she helped my parents bring about that rebellion ten years ago. Jennifer and Barbara were among the few who weren’t imprisoned or executed after the uprising but only because they hid their loyalties so well. The Council never really suspected they had anything to do with the rebellion, and with Barbara’s brother on the Council and her constant medicated state these last few years, she was safe. Until I came along and told Adam that we were looking into what happened to my parents at the secret prison, that is.

The only reason we had involved Jennifer was because I have been too afraid to go back for the stolen medical files my parents’ friends buried in that old barn. So instead I let an elderly woman and someone I’ve never met take extraordinary risks. Everyone I meet now seems to be worse for it, all because I was feeling abandoned, unloved and alone and seem to have this insatiable desire to find out about my mom and dad and why they aren’t here for me.

******

Adam is calling to me from his office door as I walk towards the entrance.

“Anya, why don’t you come in?” he says.

I head into his office, fearing I will let on that I suspect him.

“How are you, Anya? I’m so sorry to hear about Mrs. Burns. I know you have become fond of her lately.” He seems sincere but the timing of her death is just too convenient to be a coincidence.

Adam tries to ask me more questions about how my search into my past is going and who Barbara was supposed to be getting information from today, but this time I actually keep my mouth shut.

The next morning, Adam is at a meeting offsite, so Nancy is in charge of the retirement center. I need to find out what Jennifer was going to tell Barbara, so I’ve got to figure out how to get away early. I know Nancy will be holed up watching her daytime dramas rather than paying attention to what’s going on at work, so I go into the bathroom and run the hand dryer over my face until I feel flushed and then tell Nancy I’m not feeling well. She waves me away quickly and I head out.

I remember the address of the infirmary where Jennifer works from the file I have hidden in the barn. The infirmary itself isn’t secret - it’s attached to one of the Arcadian Council offices, but the existence of and location of the prison that held my parents is secret. Barbara suspected it was underground somewhere near the Council office.

I wait for Jennifer outside the infirmary. I’ve never met her but I know it’s her when I see her; her skin color is less common here now than before Arcadia came into being and sealed itself off from its southern neighbors, so she stands out in the crowd more. I follow her onto the bus and sit down next to her.

“I’m sorry about Barbara,” I say to her. I can tell I’ve startled her but she seems to recover quickly.

“Thank you. Perhaps we should celebrate her over a cup of tea. I know a great shop nearby,” Jennifer says. “Unless you need to get home, that is.”

“I’d love to join you for tea.”

We ride in silence, staring at the heads in front of us. I’m anxious and remorseful and tied up in knots. Jennifer motions for us to stand as we approach the next bus stop, but I don’t see anything that looks like a coffee or tea shop nearby. We walk down the street, Jennifer glancing over her shoulder as we go. She suddenly turns onto a side street and pushes open a door. We head down a dark staircase and enter a small room crowded with tables. A few others are sitting down, quietly talking over drinks.

“What is this place?” I ask.

“Just a spot where we can talk unobserved,” Jennifer says. “So tell me what happened.”

I tell her about Barbara’s death, how I suspect Adam’s role in it, and my own terrible involvement.

“But I didn’t tell him who the information was coming from. I don’t think he knew you were coming to visit.”

“I don’t understand why you told Adam anything. Don’t you realize how dangerous it is to tell anyone about what we are investigating?”

“I’m so sorry! He was being so nice to me and I thought he could help me find out more about my mom and dad. This is all so confusing and I don’t have anyone who can help me. I don’t know who I’m supposed to trust.”

Jennifer’s expression softens and she places her hand on mine. “I know this is difficult - you’re really still just a kid after all. We’re trying to uncover more about the tortures and deaths happening to the rebels. The Council has always publicly denied any of the rebels survived the last uprising, but yet we know from the medical files that many of them did and that they’re being held somewhere. I understand you found some of those files we hid in that old barn where we used to meet before the uprising. Did you look at them?”

“I only saw a few of the medical files about the men, including my dad. It was awful! But I had to hide the files again and haven’t had a chance to get back in there and see them.”

“We need you to go and look through the rest of the files, taking in as much information as you can. Don’t take any pictures or write anything down - you’ll just have to rely on memory. When do you think you can do that, Anya?”

“I’m not sure I can. I think the Council is starting to suspect me, especially after my recent associations. I’m not sure why they haven’t picked me up yet for questioning. What if I get caught? The Caretakers at the Home watch me and know when I am supposed to be home from work. Can’t you do it or find someone else?”

“Anya, you got yourself here to see me, so I know you can figure out how to make it happen. Besides, your mom and dad believe you can help us.”

“What do you mean? Have you talked to them? Do you know where they are? Barbara was trying to help me before she died, and then I got her killed.”

“I’m not sure that you did. I know it may feel like there’s some conspiracy but she really did have a weak heart. I don’t trust Adam and you shouldn’t have been talking to him about all of this, but I don’t know that he had anything to do with her death. And about your parents...yes, I’ve spoken to them but not in a few months. They were both brought to the infirmary to have a physical, but we didn’t get a chance to talk about anything more meaningful than how they were feeling. I know they were released from the secret facility soon after that but no one seems to have heard from them since then. I also know they somehow got a small box and a note to Glen. The note told us to start getting in touch with you because you could help them. There’s something in that little box that’s important too but we didn’t open before you got it from Glen. Since he’s been arrested, I haven’t spoken to him either. We really need to know what’s in there and what’s in those files. I can’t get anywhere close to them now, so we need your help.”

I tell Jennifer I’ll think about it and start the journey back to the Home. As I’m heading into my room, my friend Emily follows me.

“Hi Anya! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. I really miss having you at school with me. How’s your new job?” Emily asks.

Maybe it’s the stress of the last few months or maybe I’m just tired of being alone and scared. I haven’t been confiding in Emily all this time because I want to protect her. I’ve known her most of my life, since we came to the Home as young kids, and I trust her completely. I start crying and end up telling her all that has happened, starting with the day that I accidentally met Glen at school and he told me my parents didn’t leave me behind. I tell her how one day I would feel so brave and confident about figuring out this thing with my parents and the Arcadian Council and the rebellion and everything else. And then the next day I’d be afraid of everything and everyone. I tell her that I want to help even if I don’t even know what my mom and dad need help with, even if I can’t understand why they haven’t contacted me since being released. But I’m scared and I just don’t think I can do this now - it’s just not the right time. But I’m also so ashamed for feeling as I do.

Emily tells me something she read once about how waiting for the perfect moment to go after something you want is like sitting at home waiting for all of the traffic lights to turn green before you leave the house.

“You are brave, strong and smart. I know you can do this,” she says. “Sometimes, Anya, we have to make our own green lights. You don’t need anyone’s permission.”