Perchance to Dream

I stood arm in arm with my father beside the willow tree as the breeze picked up and my heart gently sunk. With the sunset pristine, he looked at me with a shimmering glint in his eyes. "I love you, Susan," he said, "I'm so very proud of you, sweetheart." I looked at him for a moment and smiled, then looked away towards the trail of lights that lay before us. Around the corner, the pathway illuminated far greater than that of any starry night, and my love for this moment became undoubtedly absolute. Still, arm in arm, my father and I walked along the sacred path and witnessed the utmost beguiling scene of thought and affection. Fireworks erupting across the lake, violinists performing in such an exquisite style, the townspeople gathered with nothing but smiles, and the cliche but appropriate; white doves emerging as we went onward. It was magnificent, even more so than the sun flaring behind us as it sunk beneath the horizon. I proceeded to hold my father close as we neared the end of our lively course. My dress was still immaculate and glistened as though all of the light that we traversed absorbed into it. I felt majestic, glorious to say the least, and as we approached the doors of the old barn I had once feared, I was now facing them with reverence and a willingness to persist.

I could feel my father begin to quake like he was somehow more nervous than myself. We glanced at each other and then back at the chipped wooden doors. The music started to play, and as the entryway opened, the people staring back at me captured my breath. As my father walked me down the aisle, I could see every single person I had ever known. My best friends from college, my grandparents, my mother looking at me with delight, siblings gazing at me as if at this moment I was the leader of the pack, relatives I hadn't even seen in years sitting alongside old friends I never knew still cared that much about me. I began to tear up, and I couldn't even attempt to conceal it. Walking down the aisle with my father felt like the longest walk of my life, but I ultimately could see nothing but my love. Like tunnel vision meeting this luminous extremity, Henry was all I could see. As my father delivered me to my future husband, I made one final glance behind myself to look into the eyes of all those who wished to celebrate me before fixing my attention on the wonderful man at my side. While my father sat down, I intimately looked at my soon-to-be with admiration and endearment. Henry examined me courteously, then glanced at me respectfully with fulfillment twinkling in his eyes. It was the most significant moment of my entire life.

The pastor spoke for minutes as Henry and I stood eagerly awaiting our opportunities to speak directly towards each other, to speak to one another the terms of our everlasting love. Each moment the pastor uttered, his words seemed to elude me somehow. He readily verbalized as if he were in a hurry. I looked at my beloved with slight apprehension, but Henry, still smiling and listening to the pastor, seemed content with his pacing. Refusing to allow such a minor detail to shift me away from good spirits, I periodically glanced up at the stairway to my left that leads upstairs. They even decorated the banisters beautifully, and the placement of every decor item felt so distinct. I could hear a change in tone emanating from the pastor, which made me realize that the time had finally come for Henry and me to speak to one another. Henry turned towards me, and I turned towards him. I glanced momentarily at my parents, and they were both in tears. Looking back at my spouse made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Still, I was so nervous that the very thud of my heart was all that I could hear aside from the tissues traversing around the room. Avidly awaiting Henry to begin his vows, the pastor looks at me under a particular acknowledgment, as if he felt like I should start the vows. "Susan, after everything you have proven yourself to be, I believe you should speak your vows to Henry at this time." Bemused by the pastor's odd ways of practice, it was clear to me that I would be pledging my oaths to Henry first. I held Henry by the hands and looked into his eyes as I drew my breath and spoke from the heart.

"Henry, you are my true love. You are the most wonderfully amazing being I could ever have hoped to meet in this lifetime. I don't know where I would be without you. Together, we have experienced so much that the bonds of our friendship have emerged into something far more affectionate. You have gifted me with a true sense of adventure. You have blessed me with an opportunity to perceive the world with a more open mind and heart, and you have been the one person I can confide in when life begins to overwhelm me. I love you, Henry, and I vow to always be at your side. Through darkness and light, I will be your wife." The room went silent, and without even looking, I could sense all the emotion flowing and fluctuating throughout the barn. Henry, still holding my hands, looked so deeply into my eyes, I was sure he could see the most vulnerable parts of my soul. He caressed my cheek and then proceeded with his vows, "Susan, my love. I am so thankful to have you in my life. Why can't I be in your's?" Still holding him, I was taken aback and perplexed by what he had just asked me. "I'm sorry, what?" I asked him. Henry held my hands even more tightly and proceeded, "Why did you have me come here?" I stood there stunned in expression and demeanor. I looked towards the room of guests, and they all showed appearances of bewilderment. I studied Henry's facial cues closely for signs that he may be injured, but he wasn't. "Susan, my love," Henry continued, "Tell everyone what happened that evening. Please, Susan, recognize all that you've proven yourself to be." With my head and heart now beating immensely as one, I looked over at the pastor for assistance, but he had left the room. I desperately looked over towards my parents for comfort and safety, but they had somehow vanished along with everyone else in the barn. "Tell me why everyone you ever knew wants nothing to do with you, Susan," Henry pressured, "Tell me why you fail to behold pride. Tell me why we could never have each other!" Under his grasp, I cried rather unsightly as the wooden walls around me began to decompose, and the lights began to crackle one by one. I looked into Henry's eyes and wailed, "Henry!" before the room went cold, and time corrected itself.

I sat on the soil against the old barn's wooden doors, much more chipped and worn than before. With a slight wind breezing in my direction, I grievously looked up at the willow tree across the lake where the sun began to rise. As the rays met my face, I grew enlightened—my oneness with denial and selfishness for the actions I had taken. I had just wanted to see the venue again. Just once more before the wedding, and I urged Henry and my father to join me. I was inclined to witness it just once more, for the beautiful potential it would bear and the divine moments that we would experience here. Neither Henry nor my father wanted to come, but I insisted. They both loved me, and so they did. The fireworks that night were distracting, that even the ride over felt like an addition to my fairytale. The calamity of having crashed that truck into the beautiful willow tree ended that dream. My father perished instantly upon impact, and Henry suffered severe injuries alongside me. I can still remember Henry unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the door, coughing up blood as he crawled in any direction for help. Stuck inside the truck with my seatbelt broken, I was unable to move. All I could do was sit and watch as Henry crawled towards the barn before he stopped midway on the path and passed. The light of reality confronts me yet again as I recall my truth. That I am no longer young, but of another age. That each Fourth of July, I return to this place out of rejection and reflection. That through these doors, I was destined to wed my beloved Henry, but for all I have proven myself to be, It would never happen. So now I sit prepared to sleep, with a broken heart of fantasies, and the sun whose company gleams, perchance to dream.