Paul and Mari

Mari dug out her keys and gathered all the mail in her arms. The windshield wipers smacked a steady rhythm through the downpour. What was wrong with her? She was constantly on the verge of peeing her pants.

“Ok, let’s do this,” she said out loud.

She dashed through the rain, unlocked the door and bolted for the downstairs bathroom, dodging and winding through the trio of enthusiastic dogs.

“Oh, thank God,” she murmured when she made by the skin of her teeth. Not only did she not pee her pants, but it was Friday and a three-day weekend. Mari could hear the dogs whimpering outside the door. She smiled at their sweet faces when she emerged. Three happy mutts – Rooster, Rocky, and Ruby – tails wagging and tongues lolling, vied for her attention.

“Hey gang! Did you miss me?”

She gave them all some attention and then went upstairs to put on sweatpants and a tee shirt. Back down in the kitchen, Mari fed her canine children and poured herself a glass of wine. She sighed as she took her first sip and let the hustle and bustle of the week slide off her shoulders. Just then she heard Paul coming through the door sounding wet and miserable.

“Mar!” he yelled.

“In the kitchen….”

Paul came around the corner with a questioning look on his face. “Is there a reason why your car is still running in the driveway?”

“Oh, crap! I had to pee so bad by the time I got home, all I was focused on was getting to the toilet.”

“Where are your keys?” Paul asked. “I’m already wet.”

“Thank you, Love. They’re on the credenza.”

When Paul came back to the kitchen, he was carrying a book shaped package.

“Whatcha got there?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a book I sent for about treating mental illness through healing the brain. Just hoping I might discover some new things, new ways to help my kids.” Paul said as he opened the box.

Mari thought for the millionth time how much she loved this man and his huge, giving heart. Both she and Paul were educators. She taught at a private girl’s school in Bellevue. Paul worked with special needs children In Kirkland. He loved “his kids” and was continually striving to better their lives. Watching Paul love and nurture these kids tugged her heart in two different directions. She was so proud of what an incredible teacher and mentor he was and yet always a little sad that she could not give him his own children. Very early in their relationship, Mari had stated that she did not want kids. She suspected that he thought he could change her mind, but when things started to get serious, she explained why she felt the way she did. Both Mari’s father and brother had suffered from mental illness, and both had eventually taken their own lives. Mari had witnessed firsthand the agony of watching people you love deteriorate into a black hole of despair and confusion and she could not go through it again - especially not with your own child. She didn't know how her mother had kept from losing her own mind through all of that.

Mari had been certain that Paul was going to end their relationship after that declaration. After all, there was no guarantee that she herself didn’t carry the same genetic make up that had destroyed her father and brother’s lives. Instead, he got his master’s in special education and a bachelor’s in psychology and, a year later, asked her to marry him.

…………

Mari had an appointment for her annual checkup on Monday morning. She would also get her monthly birth control shot – something she was religious about. Vera Barker had been Mari’s doctor for many years. She knew Mari’s history and her concerns and always spent a little more time with her, assuring her that there were no signs of any mental disorder. Mari was 38 years old, and she knew both her brother and father had shown signs well before then, but she was a creature of diligence.

“Hi, Mari! How are you?”

“I’m good. A little tired lately, but good.” Then she added with a chuckle, “My bladder seems to have a mind of its own lately, but other than that I’m fine. It just seems like I have to pee constantly and sometimes I’m not sure I’m going to make to the bathroom. Please tell me I don’t need depends before I’m 40.”

Vera smiled. “There are a number of things that can cause overactive bladder and many treatment options. Let’s do some tests to rule some things out and then we’ll decide on a course of action.”

“Ok, sure,” said Mari. “And I need my shot.”

“Actually, let’s wait on that. Hormonal imbalance can play a role in OAB, so let’s do the tests first. It will only take a few days for the results and then I can give you the shot. Make an appointment for Thursday afternoon.”

………….

On Thursday, Mari arranged for a substitute for the last class of the day and headed back to Dr. Barker’s office. The door to the waiting room swung open and Tina, the medical assistant, called her name. Instead of taking her to an exam room, Tina led her to Vera’s office. Mari began to feel a little nervous.

“Dr. Barker wants to go over your test results first,” Tina said.

“Oh, sure,” replied Mari, but she still felt uneasy. Oh my God, she thought, is it cancer? Do I have a tumor?

Ten agonizing minutes later, Vera Barker came into the room and sat down behind the desk. She folded her hands on top of the desk, took a deep, but controlled breath and looked directly at Mari. “I know this is not what you want to hear, Mari, but you are pregnant.”

Mari stared at her blankly. Her mind was whizzing around trying to reconcile what Vera had said with what she knew had to be true. She wasn’t pregnant. She had never missed a birth control shot. She had been on them for years with no issues at all. This was ridiculous.

“What are you talking about? How could I possibly be pregnant? I’m not! I can’t be!” Mari felt tears welling up and buried her face in her hands. “Please, Vera, I….. oh, God, please no.”

Vera pulled a chair up next to Mari and gently touched her shoulder. “Listen, Mari, there are options. We need to do an ultrasound and a few other tests to determine how far along you are and check the health of the fetus. Let’s take this a step at a time. We can do the ultrasound today, if you’re up to it.”

Breathe, Mari thought, breathe. She knew the options Dr. Barker was talking about and she also knew she would never be able to do that. “Dear God,” she silently prayed, “if this baby is going to struggle with debilitating mental illness, please take it now.”

……….

The drive home was a blur, not from tears, but the million questions that were flying in circles in her brain. She sat for a long time in her car in the driveway trying to wrap her head around the day. She wondered how Paul was going to react. She knew deep in his heart he had wanted to have children, but he had loved her enough to never push her. What was she going to say to him? How was she going to tell her mother? Her sweet mother who had already gone through pure hell. Breathe, just breathe. Before she went in, she called the school and asked for them to arrange a sub for her tomorrow. She needed time. She needed to think. She needed a miracle.

When Paul came home an hour later, she startled when he came into the kitchen, nearly dropping the pesto sauce she was pouring on the pasta.

“Sorry, honey, didn’t mean to scare you,” he said as he kissed her cheek. “Mmm, smells yummy.”

She felt a lump rising in her throat, but managed to say, “Dinner will be ready in ten.”

Mari tried to make normal conversation during dinner, but she knew that Paul could feel the tension in the air. “Paul,” she finally said, “I need to tell you something. Something about my doctor’s appointment today.”

Paul’s demeanor instantly changed, and concern washed over his face. He sat motionless, feeling anxiety wash over him.

Mari opened her mouth to speak and then stopped and inhaled deeply. “I’m…… I’m pregnant.”

The emotions that swept over Paul’s face were astonishing! First relief, then absolute joy, then concern and pure love. He nearly jumped out of his chair and swept Mari into his arms. “Don’t you be afraid. It’s going to be ok.” Now the tears came, and she buried her face into the crook of his neck.

“But I am afraid. I don’t know how not to be afraid,” Mari sputtered into his shirt collar.

“Honey, there’s every chance this baby will be completely fine and if not, we will find a way. We know so much more about mental illness now.” He pulled her from his shoulder and took her face in her hands. “We are going to be alright. I promise.” Then he kissed her forehead and pulled her back into his arms.

………..

The next two weeks were a roller coaster of emotions. Mari was fighting hard to not give in to fear and, if she was honest, trying not to acknowledge the tiny speck of excitement that was deep in her heart…… put there by Paul’s undeniable joy and his overflowing love and encouragement. Every night he shared encouraging testimonies and studies from his new book.

Mari had been putting off telling her mother, but she knew she could wait no longer. On Sunday morning she made the drive to her mother’s home in North Bend. All the way there, she rehearsed what she would say and how she would try to comfort her mother’s fears when she couldn’t even dissuade her own.

Her mother was thrilled to see her. “Marigold!” she said as she wrapper her in a hug. Her mother was the only person on the planet that called her Marigold. She couldn’t have been a ‘Lilly’ or ‘Rose’ or even ‘Iris.” No, her mother’s favorite flower was marigolds. “You were my bundle of sunshine with golden hair,” her mother had often told her.

They sat at the kitchen table and caught up on the mundane things of life. Finally, Mari took her mother’s hand and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

“What is that dear?”

“Mom, I’m so afraid.”

Her mother frowned. “What is wrong? Are you sick? Is Paul?”

“No, no, we’re fine,” Mari sighed. “Mom…., I’m pregnant!”

To Mari’s amazement, her mother’s face lit up with joy. “Oh, honey! That’s the most wonderful news!” Her mother laid her hands over her heart and beamed at her.

“But mom, what if this child takes after dad?” she blurted out a little too roughly.

Mari watched her mother’s expression take another abrupt turn. “This child will take after you.” Again, she said with authority, “This child will take after you.”

“Now, I have something I need to tell you.”

………

That evening Paul and Mari laughed and cried in equal measure. Her mother’s story had caused so many emotions in Mari – shock, sadness, even anger that her mother hadn’t told her sooner - but she also felt relief. Mental illness did not run in her blood line. Her dad was not her biological father. She knew her mom had been pregnant when they got married, but only her mother knew the baby was someone else’s.

Mari let go of the fear and breathed in peace. “We’re going to have a baby,” she said, “and it’s going to be ok.”