P4sSw0rds!*: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

The new year is upon us, and many of you are surely creating or following a myriad of good-intentioned resolutions. Some might resolve to workout, others to eat better or spend more time with family. No matter what your resolutions, the new year is a time of improvement for everyone. Each January, we run advice articles written by several of our experts on a topic you voted for; this year’s winner is “digital literacy”! From passwords to phishing, above all, we want our readers to be tech-savvy in the new year!

P4sSw0rds!* : The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. by John Anderson

My name’s John and I’m one of the senior tech advisors here at Woke Life Monthly. Passwords are by no means the biggest issue in tech, but they are an annoyance and time-suck that everyone- from executives to grandmas- are familiar with. These expert tips that I’ve compiled are sure to save you time and stress in the new year!

How to Create a Strong Password

The most important step in your password journey is crafting an obscure, long and hard-to-remember phrase or word that you can still remember! These days it seems that just about every conceivable website is requiring a length of eight letters and at least one special character! Here are some tips that are guaranteed to inspire strong and creative passwords.

Have your cat run across the keyboard For any cat owners out there, you know that your furry friends are geniuses at generating random strings of letters and numbers! Give Fluffy unfettered access to your keyboard and in no time you will have multiple password optioYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Make a monkey strike random keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time For those of you who don’t have a cat at home, just go to your local zoo and give a typewriter to a monkey; the product will either be Shakespeare or an uncrackable Amazon Prime password!

Call my schizophrenic uncle, Larry An absolute character, Larry is unfortunately no longer allowed at our family gatherings. Although not the most amicable of people, he is unmatched at generating random, sometimes deeply offensive, sequences of words. Give him a call if you find yourself unable to come up with a password that the average person wouldn’t want to repeat!

Larry Anderson: 1 (972) 997-1234

List of 8-letter words If you’re still unable to come up with a stellar password, I’ve compiled a list of random 8-letter words for your convenience!

Catholic

Diabetes

Attorney

Fuckkkkk

Jazziest

Bemuzzle

Zugzwang

Skipjack

Habanero

Yahooism

Congress

Remembering your Password

As your list of passwords gets longer, they become more and more difficult to remember. Once you’ve developed an excellent password, your next task is remembering it, because, as we all know, it’s an absolute pain to have to come up with a completely new password. I’ve included pointers that will remedy this modern-day problem!

The writing on the wall Write down your password everywhere, including in your will and other important legal documents. For extra visibility, I suggest fecal matter or blood on dry wall- sure to be memorable!

All in a name Include your password somewhere in your child’s name, and you will be reminded of it every day!

“Time for school, Beano941!”

“Stop that right now, $exy_feminist!”

“Not until you finish your peas, TeamJacob4lyfe5555.”

Just try harder I know you can do it. Stop being a pussy and just remember your password! It’s not that hard, dammit!

Become a monk or nun These highly religious members of society have no need for complicated passwords; live in a monastery and adopt a life of celibacy to rid yourself of your modern-day woes!

Evolve into a cyborg Overwhelmed at even the thought of creating a password? Say goodbye to your days of being able to check the box for “I am not a robot”! Never again will you be able to tell which pictures “contain a stoplight”.

Resetting your password

So, you’ve forgotten your excellent, one-of- a- kind password. What now? First of all, don’t beat yourself up- this happens to the best of us! Do you think Gandhi remembered all of his passwords? No! So do me a favor and cut yourself some slack. At a time like this, you should be congratulating yourself, if the password’s creator can’t even remember the code, it was surely complex enough! Below I’ve included the steps you should follow to create a new password that is even stronger and more memorable than before!

Check up Firstly, ask yourself why you forgot this combination of dates and deceased pet names. Was it really that hard to remember? Should you be concerned for your mental fitness and overall wellbeing? The first thing I always do if I forget a password is obsessively review WebMD’s symptoms of early onset Alzheimer’s, until I feel I am adequately worked up. Once you have confirmed that you don’t have Alzheimer’s, you can move on to “Reset”. If you are indeed experiencing medically notable memory issues, repeat this step indefinitely.

Reset Websites often anticipate users forgetting their passwords, and give you options for resetting your username, password or both. Hooray! To reset a password, websites do one of two things.

1. They ask you a set of traumatizing security questions, including, but not limited to: the name of your first kiss, your favorite art museum, earliest childhood memory of abandonment, or the date you actually inhaled correctly for the first time. When confronted with these questions, as intrusive and creepy as they seem, do not panic! And most importantly, no matter how vulnerable you feel, do not lie! If all your answers match up, you will likely gain access back into your account.

2. Another strategy websites use is asking you to reset your password over email; this is one of the Sisyphean tasks of our modern world. Often, after many failed attempts, you will shamefully be asked if you want to “reset your password”. Accept defeat and select this option. Go to your inbox and select the email the website just sent you. You will then be asked to enter a new password, which is very likely to be identical to your original password. If this is the case, you now know that God is neither forgiving nor omniscient. The website will then bar you from progressing any further by notifying you that the password is already in use. Repeat the “reset your password” step as many times as necessary until you begin losing your firm grip on your sanity. As you approach insanity, either stop or accept that you could become a wildly successful playwright.

Sharing Passwords: dos and don’ts

In today’s world, people often give away their passwords to others to allow them access to a service. For example, I might give my Netflix password to my friend, allowing them unlimited streaming free of charge. When sharing your passwords, it is best to use your best discretion, making sure your information is kept out of the wrong hands. Here, I provide some guidance on password generosity.

Do share your password with family members who you trust

Don’t share your password with The Republican Party

Do share your password with close friends

Don’t share your password with subway rats

Do share your password with your spouse or partner

Don’t share your password with your spouse or partner

Do share your password with IT

Don’t share your password with Michael Jackson who claims to have been deported to El Salvador and needs money to travel back to the US

You can now go into the new year, confident in your tech abilities and unburdened by your password fears!