Owls

Owls

Lina sighed in frustration. “Mom, I’m almost 40 years old. Do you think you could stop telling me what I should and shouldn’t do?”

“Honey, I’m just trying to help.”

Lina sat on her mother’s floral print couch. She glanced at the ceramic owl perched on the end table, one of many that adorned the house. She sighed again. “Okay, I get that. But maybe I don’t need your help. I really just need you to listen to me. I’m venting, okay? That’s all. I’m just sharing that I’m frustrated by the lack of time I get with Jason. Not asking you to help me solve the problem. I can do that myself.”

“But I have been through these things. You could learn from my experiences. Why make your own mistakes when you could learn from mine?”

“Because they would be my mistakes. I would own them and learn more from them than I would learn from yours. I need to make my own mistakes. Just like I need to live my own life–not yours!”

“I’m telling you–Jason will break your heart. He isn’t a partner for life. He’s a partner for a season only.”

“Mom, I think I know him better than you do.”

“Think is right.”

“Okay, I’m going to leave now.” Lina stood up, and her mother followed suit.

“Wait just one minute, please. I have something for you.” She went into the kitchen and returned with a small wrapped gift. “Here.”

Lina opened the gift to find a ceramic barn owl–beautifully constructed with amazingly lifelike details. “Mom, it’s lovely. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, dear.”

“Okay, I really have to leave now. I’ll see you later, Mom. Love you.”

“I love you, Lina. And I only want what’s best for you. You know that, right?”

“Yes, I do. We just sometimes disagree on what that is.” Lina hugged her mother and left.

* * * * *

“Another owl?” Jason asked when Lina returned home.

“Yes. It’s as if she wants me to live her life. She’s the one who loves owls. Not me. It’s beautiful, but I’ll just put it with the others.”

“Hey, I have practice tonight. Just thought I should let you know.”

Lina loved that Jason was such a good drummer. She found him very sexy when he played. But she wished it didn’t take so much of his time. “Okay, honey. Will you have time for dinner, or do you have to leave soon?”

“I was going to leave now and stop at the music store before practice.”

“Okay…” Lina said. She was annoyed that he wouldn’t spend any time with her tonight, but she knew that his music was important to him. She wasn’t willing to make it an issue. Yet. “I’ll leave dinner for you in the fridge. Just microwave it for a couple of minutes when you get home.”

“Thanks, honey,” Jason said. He bent down and kissed the top of her head. Then he grabbed his drumsticks and left.

* * * * *

Lina finished her dinner and put the dishes in the sink. She was feeling sort of adrift without Jason. She didn’t know what to do with herself. Wandering into the living room, she spotted the ceramic owl on the end table. She had forgotten to put it away with the other owls that her mother had given to her over the years. Lina picked it up and examined it. The heart shaped face was white and glossy, the eyes nearly black, the beak coming to a perfect point. The feathers were lifelike: gray and gold with small black and white flecks. Talons wrapped around part of a tree branch.

Lina sighed. She knew her mother meant well, but she just wouldn’t listen to Lina. She insisted on telling her what to do. It was infuriating and exhausting because when Lina refused to follow her directions, her mother would be angry and snitty with her. During those times, it just wouldn’t matter what Lina said, it would invariably set her mother off.

She took the owl with her to the bedroom. She opened the hope chest her brother had made for her in Woods class twenty years ago and placed the owl carefully among an assortment of plastic, wooden, and ceramic owls of all shapes and sizes.

* * * * *

The sound of the drum riff from “In the Air Tonight” woke Lina. Jason had made that her ringtone shortly after they became exclusive. She answered it but didn’t get a “hello” back. She did, however, hear someone speaking. It was Jason, but he wasn’t talking to Lina. Soon she heard giggling and a female voice responding to Jason. Clearly, Jason had mistakenly called Lina. But who was the woman he was speaking to? There were no women in the band. Lina heard more giggling. She hung up the phone.

She laid in bed for a long time after that, unable to fall asleep again.

* * * * *

The next morning, Jason and Lina ate breakfast together. She was nervous about asking him who the woman was. Before she could speak, Jason said, “So there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Okay, what is it?” She was relieved to put her question aside for now.

“Um…I don’t know how to say this.” He paused. “I guess I’ll just jump right into it. I think we should take a little break from each other.” He stopped and looked at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Uh, well, I think we should date other people. You know, just so we can be certain we should be together.”

“So you want to date that giggly girl you were with last night.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I didn’t mumble. You butt-dialed me last night. I heard you with her.”

Jason didn’t respond for a moment. When he did, there was a distant tone in his voice. “Her name is Juliette. Yes, I will go out with her. I think we should explore options before we take our relationship to the next level.”

Lina nodded. Inside, she was dying, but she carefully hid that from Jason. “Okay. Well, then, I guess you need to move out. You’ll want your own place to take your dates.”

“I have rented a place in town. I’ll be out by the end of the week.”

Lina turned away from him. Her eyes were filling. “Okay. That’s fine.”

* * * * *

“Mom, Jason is moving out,” Lina said on the phone that afternoon.

“He is? Well, I saw that coming.”

“How exactly did you see that coming, Mother?” Lina asked, her anger sparked.

“I told you he would break your heart. I told you he wouldn’t be in this relationship for the long haul.”

“Do you think you could just tell me I’ll be alright instead of saying, ‘I told you so’?”

“No, I can’t. I can’t feel bad for you. I warned you this was coming.”

“Seriously, Mom? Thanks a lot for helping me through this. You’re great, really.” Lina hung up. She knew that hanging up on her mother would trigger anger in her, and that would be followed by pouting and silence.

* * * * *

The rest of the week was very difficult for Lina. First, she watched the slow process of Jason moving his belongings out of the house. Second, her mother refused to answer Lina’s phone calls. Without anyone to talk to, she spent a lot of time out on the porch swing, crying and drinking too much wine. By Friday, all signs of Jason had disappeared.

* * * * *

“Mom, I’m sorry I hung up on you. I really need to talk to you. Please call me back.” Lina left the message for perhaps the eighth time in just a couple of days.

* * * * *

By Saturday evening, Lina had still not heard from her mother. It wasn’t the first time that she had received the silent treatment. Still, it hurt, and Lina desperately wanted to hear her mother's voice again. So when the phone rang, her heart leapt into her throat. She didn’t even take the time to notice who was calling before she pushed “Answer” on the screen.

“Hello, Mom?”

“Hi, Lina. This is Mrs. Roberts. Your mother’s neighbor.”

Lina’s curiosity was piqued. “Yes, she’s mentioned you. What’s going on?”

“I am so sorry to have to tell you this. Your mother was taken to the hospital. It appears that she had a stroke.” Mrs. Roberts swallowed audibly. “I’m so sorry, Lina. She didn’t survive.”

“What?”

“You mother. She passed away, Lina. I’m sorry.”

“But…No. That can’t be. I was just waiting for her to call me back.”

“It’s true, dear. I’m here at the hospital. I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner. Things happened very quickly. You should probably come over here and talk to the doctors.”

“Um. Yeah. I can do that. I’ll be right there,” Lina said. She hung up and picked up her purse. Standing at the door with her hand on the knob, Lina paused. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. Mrs. Roberts said she should talk to the doctors. What was she supposed to ask them? And after talking to the doctors, what should she do next? Lina knew that she would have some decisions to make, but she couldn’t for the life of her think of what they would be. Her mom would know. But, of course, she couldn’t ask her. Oh my God, Lina thought. She’s gone. How can that even be possible?

Feeling as though she were walking through molasses, Lina made her way out to her car. She climbed in and dropped into the driver’s seat. She lifted her purse–it felt like it was full of bricks–and placed it next to her.

She found that she was talking herself through every step. Put the key in the ignition. Turn it. Put the car in reverse. Back down the driveway. It was easier to move when she focused on the steps, one at a time.

By the time she reached town, she was able to think about her mother. She began to consider what her mother would want in the way of a funeral–casket, music, minister, guests. She suddenly realized that she had arrived at the hospital.

* * * * *

The doctors really didn’t have much to tell Lina beyond the news passed on by Mrs. Roberts. They confirmed that it was a massive stroke. They indicated that her mother probably didn’t suffer terribly, which Lina thought should be comforting, and yet it wasn’t. Nothing was comforting at this moment. The only ray of light was Mrs. Roberts, who stepped in to help Lina focus on the decisions she would have to make. Having had the time to think in the car helped the process as well.

Two hours later, Lina was driving back home. Once she got there, she went immediately to bed and fell quickly into a deep sleep.

* * * * *

The next morning, Lina lay in bed, feeling heavy and groggy. She knew she should get up and do something, but she didn’t know what that should be. She just wanted someone to tell her what to do. She really felt like she could function if she had that person. But she didn’t. Not anymore.

After several minutes, Lina got up, put on her robe, and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Once it had brewed, she took the cup out to the porch and sat in the swing. She gradually let thoughts of her mother slip into her mind. She was careful to do so. Lina was afraid she would be overwhelmed if she opened the door too wide. Before long, she reached thoughts of their last conversation.

Lina groaned and bent over. That last conversation–it wasn’t good. She was angry with her mom, and her mom was frustrated with her. They didn’t say “I love you” at the end, like they always did before. Did her mom die thinking that Lina didn’t love and appreciate her? She groaned again.

Suddenly Lina heard a rushing sound. It came on too quickly to frighten her, but she jumped nonetheless. She looked up to see a large barn owl perched on the porch railing. It was looking right at her. She sat very still, considering the bird. It was beautiful and powerful looking. It stretched out its wings and resettled them close to its body. Lina was confused because she thought that barn owls were nocturnal. Why was it sitting here in broad daylight? And why was it staring at her?

Lina thought about the ceramic version that her mother had given her. The two were similar in appearance–the same white heart-shaped face, black eyes, gray-gold feathers. She had an urge to pull the ceramic owl out of the hope chest and display it somewhere she could see it every day. If she weren’t afraid to scare the owl on the porch rail away, she would get up at that very moment. Instead she continued to sit on the swing.

“Hello,” she whispered to the bird. “You’re gorgeous.”

The owl said nothing in return.

“My mom died. She loved owls.”

Still nothing.

“I loved her, and I know that she loved me. But we didn’t leave things in a very good spot before she died. I feel bad about that.” Lina paused for a moment. “I wish I could talk to her again. She wanted the best for me, and she tried to help me find it. I know that now.”

The owl blinked.

“I need to plan her funeral, and it just hurts so much. I don’t want to do it, but I can’t leave it all undone. I want to honor her. You know?”

No response.

“Okay. I can do this. I’m going to get up and get busy now. I have things I have to do.” Lina smiled at the owl. “Feel free to stick around.”

She stood up slowly. The barn owl followed her with its eyes. She walked sideways to the front door, watching the owl as she carefully moved.

She reached out to the door handle, and just as she touched it, the owl lifted off and flew away. Lina smiled after it. Then she opened the door and went inside to get busy with her new life.