One Night in the Fridge

It was a few hours after dinner on a Thursday night and the family was mostly settled in watching a little television before bed. Tammy had just finished cleaning up the kitchen and was sealing the leftover meatloaf in plastic wrap to put in the refrigerator. She opened the door and stuffed it on the middle shelf of the overfilled fridge, making a mental note to make sure she cleaned the old food out for trash day. She hated cleaning out the refrigerator and usually put it off until there was no room for anything more and it had to be done. “Sighing”, she closed the fridge door and hurried to the TV room before she missed her shows.

Meanwhile in the Refrigerator:

Ranch was the undisputed head of the Fridge. It had seen other condiments come and go but it was always present in the Fridge. It held the lofty position on the top shelf and most of the other items in the Fridge would look to it for leadership. And let’s just be honest for a second, Ranch was delicious and went with almost anything well, so it was the logical choice to lead.

Ranch: “Let’s everyone welcome our new member to the Fridge family. What do you call yourself new member?”, it asked of the meatloaf.

Meatloaf: “I used to go by meatloaf. I feel pretty meaty and started as a loaf. But I do seem to be more of a slice now…so maybe meatslice?”

Ranch: “That’s a great name”

(Ranch would always compliment the new members on their name to make them feel welcome, even when they had a stupid name)

“Everyone, make it feel welcome”

Milk: “You are probably going to spoil and rot in here like Mac n cheese”, it said meanly to Meatslice.

Ranch: (Shaking his cap)

“Don’t worry Meatslice, that hardly ever happens”

(Actually, it happened quite a lot, but it was a leader's job to keep everyone’s morale up and by golly that was just what Ranch would do. Milk must be getting old. Milk would always start out good and cheerful but as time went on, it would get sour and bitter about life in the Fridge until replaced. Mac n cheese had been here for a while now. It got shuffled at some point behind Pickles who hardly ever got moved and was forgotten about. Mac n Cheese was mostly moldy now and had a hard time talking)

“How are you doing Mac n Cheese?”

Mac N Cheese: “Ihmmm ann mhhhddyy”

Ranch: (Yeah, it was done for, time to move on build up everyone’s spirits)

“How’s everyone else doing?”

Cold brew coffee: “I’mJustSoAmazingIThinkICouldProbablyHelpMacNCheeseIfICouldJustSpillSomeOfMeOnHim. IMeanIThinkICould. Maybe.”

Ranch: “Slow down Coffee, remember to try to talk slower so everyone can understand you”

(Cold brew coffee never remembered)

“Did anyone else want to greet Meatslice?”

Taco sauce: “taco taco taco cheese taco cheese”

Ranch: “What a nice greeting, thank you Taco sauce.”

(Ranch knew Taco sauce had a very limited vocabulary and you just had to read into it’s intentions to figure out what it meant. Being a good leader meant you had to try to do your best with everyone)

Taco sauce: (giggled quietly with Soy sauce next to it. They would whisper covertly to each other making fun of Ranch where it couldn’t hear them on the top shelf. They were amazed that Ranch believed they didn’t understand or could hardly speak it’s language. Sometimes Taco sauce would even get Soy sauce to shout out, “Rice Rice Egg Rice.” Then they would laugh so hard they would condensate themselves)

Grey Poupon: “I do not find your childish antics amusing in the slightest way Taco sauce. Welcome to the land of the Kindergarten condiments Meatslice. I do so hope that you can bring some well needed adult conversation to this dismal place.”

Meatslice: “I don’t think I will be here long. I am super tasty and nutritious so….”

(glances towards the moldy Mac N Cheese)

“yeah I will be fine.”

Ranch: “Believing in yourself is halfway to success!”

(Ranch was pretty sure he read that off the label of a member of the Fridge at one time but he wasn’t positive. It was a good saying regardless and hopefully the others thought he made it up. Great leaders were always saying motivational things)

Organic Oat Milk: “Duuuuuude, that was totally deep and awesome. That made my cap hurt in a righteous way.”

Milk: (Giving Oat Milk a sour look)

“You shouldn’t even be in here Oat Milk. You aren’t real milk and doesn’t organic just mean you aren’t clean and pasteurized?”

Cold brew coffee: “ItIsPasteurizedYouJustCan’tSeeItOnHisLabelFromThatSide.”

Organic Oat Milk: “Woah there Milk, that’s some gnarly hurtful words you are spewing out. You should totally try a few cleansing breaths and meditate to clear all the negative energy from your carton.”

Taco sauce: “TACO CHEESE CHESSE TACO!”

(nudges Soy sauce)

Milk: “It says Dairy free right on your label! How can you claim any relation to a milk based drink? Face it, you are a second rate beverage at best.”

Ranch: (Ranch needed to act quickly. Milk had a chip on it’s shoulder ever since Organic Oat milk arrived. Ranch could see it needed to break up this argument before it turned into another all out shouting match like the egg salad disaster of 2021).

“I NEED EVERYONE’S ATTENTION FOR A MINUTE,” it shouted over all the other voices. “We need to….”

Tammy opened the fridge door to reach in and grab the leftover piece of meatloaf that she had just put in there from dinner. She was still just a little hungry and would rather eat something tasty and nutritious than snack on some chips or empty calories.

Meatslice: “Told you,” it whispered to the members of the Fridge smugly as he was pulled out.

As she turned to go and closed the door Tammy thought she had heard something but dismissed it as nothing. Her shows awaited.