One last time

“Last call” I said warning everyone it was time to start the show. It was my first gig as a stage manager. I was so nervous I could feel my sweats palms hit the surface of my notes as I took a seat in the balcony. It was a sight to see, everyone sitting with anticipation on one of the most beautiful plays about Peter Pan and how he became the Pan we all know and love growing up.

As the music started to play and I said “Go” through the mic, I felt nerves in my chest. Luckily, my best friend was the one pressing the button to start the lights. I trusted his creative intuition more than my own and the play went beautifully.

I fell in love with the theatre so many times since then. I wanted to be an actor or director. Yet, as I stood there wandering about all wonderful opportunities my life could go on. It began to take a whirlwind every time I went on stage and overwhelming nervousness took over and although I was able to push through it. It took a toll on me all at once when I did my last play.

I woke up in a ward not knowing how I got there. I was so upset and devastated I wasn’t on stage. Anger took over and my mind warped into madness.

As, I left the psych ward a week after my episode, I wanted to go back on stage. I wanted to work and I was insistent I was fine. Reality hit me hard when I went back in to get evaluated again for believing I was an actual angel that would save the world.

Years went by, and the paranoia would hit like a wave splashing on the shore. It would leave and then come back. Therapy was my friend and so became medication.

I wanted so badly to go back to the place where I felt I could be a dream come true for the world. I wanted to be a star. I was told I had to take baby steps to get there. It would feel me with anger and resentment toward the people around me. It wasn’t till I got to a point where I wrote a suicide letter, that I realized I had a problem.

So, I did more therapy and took stronger medication and trusted the process. Slowly I became myself again and as I went back to stage to do a play again. I realized it wasn’t for me anymore. That that time came and went. It was a great time in my life. I learned a lot about myself.

I learned about who I wasn’t. My sisters became pregnant and I got to be present for it all. I became a more lighthearted person because I ran from the madness that stirred inside of me and found my light. I learned that small impacts can make a larger impact on people who you love.

A moment of impact isn’t about how many lives you can reach, it’s about one moment you open your heart toward another with love and care. I don’t know where life is going to take me next but I’m grateful for impactful lessons that have made me so much more mature and wise.

I can finally open my heart the right way and know myself enough to make small impacts. I can’t say it was just me that was the center of this realization. It was a lot to do with who showed up for me at my lowest. You know who you are.