Once Upon a Lake

Once upon a lake, Time stood still—which may not have been the brightest thing it ever did since it was in a boat at the time. But the lake was so beautiful with the leaves of fall in the riparian forests changing hue & casting their reflections upon the surface of the water. It was a moment when the air was so sweet, the breeze so delicate, the temperature so ideal & the sun, moon & stars in such perfect harmony—& as anyone with an ounce of sense can tell you, there simply is no more wondrous sensation of peace, joy, contentment & grace as to be out in a boat on the middle of a lake with such a day—well, Time just never wanted that moment to end.

So, Time stood still—which might have been okay had the boat been a little larger or Time a bit more accustomed to stopping so abruptly. But since Time had always believed it stood still for no one, attempting to stand still for itself was awkward, & so Time lost its balance & fell into the water.

Now Time did not drown in the water, though having no arms & legs it could not swim, for neither did Time have lungs nor any means of respiration, & thus, it had no need of air. Of course, that also meant it had no buoyancy, & so it sank into the depths & became lost in the lake.

For the world, this loss of Time was not quite the same as having squandered time the way it so often did. Neither was it what the world almost always knew as a lack of time where everything gets rushed & so much gets left undone. No, for the world this absence of Time could only mean one thing: Time’s fall had created a singularity, whether gravitational, quantum, or otherwise.

For those not familiar with singularities, black holes are probably the most familiar examples we have. In a black hole, the gravitational force at the center of a dying star becomes so strong as to overcome the speed of light, causing its entire mass to collapse in on itself. Electrons within atoms are forced into the nucleus, cancelling the charges of protons & turning them into neutrons. The mass remains the same. The space it occupies becomes smaller. When our sun runs out of fuel, it will likely collapse into a neutron star smaller than our moon. If the gravitational force is sufficiently strong, even the neutrons will collapse, followed by all that of which they consist. If the gravitational force is absolute or infinite, the mass of the universe will remain the same, but the space it occupies will become infinitesimal. That’s a singularity. (cf. David Hobday, Quora, What is a quantum singularity, and what are its implications? - Quora)

This doesn’t simply concern gravity, mass & space, however. It also concerns time. In essence, “the stronger the gravity, the slower the time.” (cf. Jon Therkildson, Quora, How does acceleration affect time dilation? - Quora) Put another way, the closer to the gravitational center, the slower time moves. The further away, the faster it moves. At the absolute center of gravity, at least theoretically, time stops, not a single moment passes. Which means that everything that happens beyond the center happens at the same time. To the gravitational center, everything that ever happens simply is.

Easy, right? But do you see the problem our situation presents?

In the very moment that Time disappeared, this singularity took over & everything that ever happened or ever was simply came to be—& all of it piled up on top of itself in this one single spot!

Have you guessed the name of this wondrous & beautiful lake? Singularity.

When all this happened, God just scratched their head & said, “Whoa! I sure didn’t see that comin’!”

“Yes, you did,” the Devil responded. “This is where you’ve always lived,” it snorted. It was also much more amused with the situation than God was. “For me, this is the first time. I kinda like gettin’ to see things the way you always have. I think this could be kinda fun, the playin’ field bein’ somewhat more level & all.”

God wasn’t paying much attention to it. They were far more concerned with getting Carter’s elbow out of Ellen’s eye & Jenny’s foot out of the cat’s water dish. Not to mention World Wars I, II, III, IV, et. al. being piled up with one battlefield stacked right on top of another. How were the soldiers supposed to know who their enemies were?

“Oh, my God, this is a mess!” they cried, rubbing their forehead with their hand.

“Did you just use your own name in vain?” the Devil asked with an impish smirk. “But I do have to admit, this is a mess. Isn’t it just delicious? I’ve never seen anything so perfectly beautiful!” it said, brushing an imaginary tear from its eye.

“This is a disaster!” God exclaimed. “I better dive down into the lake & find Time so we can set things right.”

“Uh-uh, there’s no time for that,” the Devil teased. “You’re gonna have your hands far too full with all the fun I’ve got planned. Besides, according to your own words, your Spirit only gets to move over the face of the waters, not under them. You wouldn’t want your people gettin’ all confused about what you did or didn’t say, would you?”

“You know you’re annoying, don’t you?” God replied. “But you’re probably right. They already get terribly confused over things I thought were pretty straight-forward. I mean, how hard can it possibly be to understand ‘love one another’ or ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ or ‘what do I require but that you do what’s right, be humble & kind, & walk with me’? Good grief, I gave the same instructions to all of them—every single group. And still, most of ‘em can’t seem to get it!”

“Yeah, it’s a shame, isn’t it?” the Devil giggled.

“I know you’ve had a lot to do with that, of course. I have a sneakin’ suspicion you were the one who came along & gave good ole Time a little nudge out of its boat.”

The Devil lifted its head, filled with dignity & indignation. “I didn’t do anything that was outside our rules of engagement.”

“In other words, you did it,” God confirmed with resignation & mild disgust. They had to admit, for all the trouble the old Devil caused, they still kind of liked it. Sometimes its pranks even made them chuckle a bit, though they’d never admit to it.

“Maybe I should go fishin’ for Time. There’s gotta be a pole around here somewhere. I mean, who goes out in a rowboat on the lake without a fishin’ rod?”

“Why don’t you conjure up a net?” the Devil suggested as it perused the amalgamation of people, places, times & events all squished together. “You always seemed to do pretty well with that.”

“Not a bad idea,” God nodded. “Maybe I will.”

“Hmmm,” the Devil pondered, rubbing its chin. “We were just comin’ up on Halloween when we all got caught up in this Lake of Singularity.”

“Yeah, & whose fault is that?” God asked.

“Hey, give me some credit,” the Devil countered as though taken aback. “You know it’s not in my nature to make someone so happy & content as I did with ole Time there—all so I could give it a little well-placed nudge,” it snorted. “You oughta be proud o’ me!”

“Yeah, right!” God grumbled as they pulled the net back in to see if they’d caught anything.

“You gotta leave it in the water longer than that! Don’t you know anything?” the Devil scolded. “Here, let me show you how it’s done.” The Devil grabbed the net & heaved it out as far as it could, not holding onto any part of it.

“Hmmm, I don’t think I did that quite right,” the Devil admitted. “But that’s okay. You can just snap your fingers & get it back. Not like us ole fallen angels who have to go & actually do the things we gotta do.”

God rolled their eyes & held out their hand, deliberately avoiding snapping their fingers, & conjured another net.

The Devil returned to contemplating the singularity it had helped to create. “You know, I’ve been mighty disappointed with how people have treated Halloween of late. I miss the days of Vlad Dracul & all that inspired, bloody mayhem. Now days they just want to go around with black capes & plastic fangs saying, ‘I vant to drink your blood,’ while collecting candy. Other than rotting a few teeth, I think it’s just disgusting.”

“Don’t forget Salem.”

“Yeah, we got a few people all riled up about witches, scared out of their wits & nervous enough to get rid of a few women they didn’t trust,” the Devil allowed. “But today they just sell postcards & give guided tours.”

“How about the Crusades?”

“Oh yeah! That was one of my better ones, getting some of your people to do my dirty work with some of your other people,” the Devil giggled. Then it returned to disappointment. “Today they use the word for worship services calling people to devote their lives to you. At least I usually get to mess with them again when they get home. That’s nice.”

“Hey, you took one of my guys who grew up as a part of that milieu & convinced him to tell everyone that it was okay to vote for an absolute, incompetent idiot & moronic, self-absorbed, lying clown for president!”

“It was more than just one guy,” the Devil gave a self-satisfied chortle. “It was a whole bunch of ‘em I got to side with racists, xenophobes & hate-mongers.”

“Nah,” God replied. “I hadn’t called most of those to preach. Matter of fact, I think you played quite a role in guiding their messages. Don’t get me wrong, I love ‘em. But I didn’t call ‘em to preach. And even if I had, I wouldn’t’ve told ‘em to preach that!”

“Yeah, you got me there,” the Devil conceded with some self-satisfied glee. “That has been fun.”

“Fun for you, maybe,” God countered as they cast the net back over the lake. “But you’ve made me work overtime just to keep those, God love ‘em, fools from destroying everything.”

“Yeah, that’s been good & all,” the Devil replied, thumbing through the full singularity of possibilities. “But Halloween—c’mon! That’s supposed to be my day! Now most of the kids just want to be Disney Princesses or superheroes. Even the supposedly scary costumes have become old & hackneyed. People just think they’re ‘cool’ or funny. No one’s got any imagination anymore! And I don’t get no respect. I mean, they don’t even give me credit for most of the things I get them to do. ‘The Devil made me do it’ is nothing but a punchline nowadays.”

“I might remind you, that night began as All-Hallows Eve. It was my night before it was yours, & people used it as a time to celebrate not only the harvest but all their loved ones (& mine) who had gone before.”

“Oh, yeah. You got me there. I did kinda transmogrify that one on you, didn’t I,” the Devil confessed with a glint in its eye. “But still, even Holocausts are getting old. No one pays attention to them anymore. Terrorist attacks have become passé. Blow up a few hundred people & everyone just yawns. The most fun I’ve had lately has been motivating the ‘Karens’.” The Devil covered its mouth with embarrassed delight. “I gotta admit, I could watch them on YouTube all day.”

“You seem to be enjoying this little prank,” God chided.

“Yeah, this one is pretty good. So many possibilities. How to choose? How to choose?” It stopped thumbing through the singularity to make some fun with a couple. “Oh, you ought to be careful. You really shouldn’t be poking her in the eye—& certainly not with that! Oh, dear God, don’t look. You don’t want to see this! And Mercury & Venus, stop fiddlin' with Uranus!” the Devil teased.

“I’m sure I’ve seen it all before. Give ‘em a break. They’re just people, for goodness’ sake! They don’t always know what’s good for them. It doesn’t mean I’m gonna quit loving them.”

“Oh, I’m sure you won’t, you ole galoot. Goody two-shoes!” The Devil continued to sort through the possibilities. “What about this one? This could be fun.”

“Oh, don’t mess with her,” God begged. “She’s been put through enough already. Why don’t you just leave her alone & mess with someone else?”

“But I could move her here, & then there, all through time & over space. Then I could sit back & wait to see what Freud or Jung would make of her. Oh, wait! I forgot! I won’t have to wait! I can just look them up & see. My but it’s fun when everyone & everything happen all at the same time!”

“They’d just put her in a straight-jacket,” God answered, gathering the net. “Then again, she might welcome the break from her life, give her a little time to rest. Just make sure she gets fed & treated well, okay?”

“Oh, but what if I sent dozens of patients their way with the same malady? We could have them diagnosing an entirely new neurosis, or even psychosis! And maybe they’d put my name on it.”

“Your name’s on plenty already.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t command the same kinda respect it used to,” the Devil pouted. “I’ve got it! I’ll get them to put your name on it! God-complex. I like it! If I can’t get respect, maybe I can get you a little disrespect. God-complex! ‘Only I can do it! Only I can save it!’”

“It’s been done—by you. Weren’t we just talking about that?”

“Yeah, we were.” The Devil turned thoughtful for a moment, rubbing its chin. “Maybe it’s not that people don’t have any imagination left. Maybe it’s me. Do you think I’ve lost my edge?”

“If you’re asking me, no. You’re still annoying as all hell.”

“But you still love me, don’t you?”

“God help me, you know I do.”

“You know I’m just doing my job. I accuse them of all the things for which they have no defense until they come to understand that the good life, life more abundant, is only & always found in you, in your love & grace.”

“Yes, I know. I just wish you didn’t enjoy it so much. Or that you weren’t so gosh-awful good at it.”

God was just getting ready to cast the net back over the waters when they heard a small “thunk” against the side of the boat.

“Hey, think you can help me back up & in? You know, the no arms or legs thing makes it kinda hard for me to do it on my own.” It was Time. And just in the nick of time. This Halloween story was about to get sappy.

“Time! I’ve been trying to catch you!” God exclaimed, lifting their old friend out of the water. “I was afraid we’d lost you for good. How’d you get back to the surface?”

“Well, it may be that I don’t float, but I don’t actually sink either. I just kind of drift along. It was only a matter of time before I got back here.”

“And just in time to spoil my fun,” the Devil said. “I was just about to make a Cock-apoo-doodle-dee-Ma-caw-atiel-fish.”

“Ah, Devil, my old friend. Nice little nudge, by the way. Never saw it coming. Well-timed! But don’t you know how easy it is to mess with people after you’ve put them through a singularity?”

“Do tell,” said the Devil with rising interest.

“Singularities are the point at which the math makes no sense. All you need do is put into the minds of little children that, since they’ve now been through a singularity, it doesn’t matter what their answers are. Anything is possible & all things are true. Anywhere is everywhere & all in the same place. Words have no meaning & mean everything & all the same thing & anything we want. And math, well let’s face it. After everything we’ve been taught about dividing by zero & how it’s meaningless, to be told in high school & college that now we have to divide by zero…. I mean, if we’re told that we have to be able to divide any number by the limit of one over x as x approaches infinity, what else is that?”

“Calculus?” the Devil asked.

“Calculus,” answered Time.

God nodded, “I should have seen that one coming.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Time. “Sometimes it just takes a little—time—to get it.”

“Ooo, this could be fun,” said the Devil, rubbing its cloven hands together. “Sorry about this, teachers & parents, but let the nightmares commence!”