Not If You Were The Last Man On Earth

The Diary Of Adam Watts, Pages 373-378

People have been giving the apocalypse a bad rap. I for one am having a great time. You don’t have to pay for anything at seven-eleven, there are no lines at Universal Studios and no one ever tries to speak to me on the street anymore.

As far as I know, the only people left alive are me and my beautiful girlfriend; Evelyn. She is my muse. When the sun shines its brightest, it still cannot outshine my love. She is the wind beneath my wings, Marie to my Pierre Curie. For those of you who don’t get that reference- Actually, everyone on Earth is dead. Nobody is ever going to read this. I can say whatever I want. Floogaleedoo. The cow says moo.

Apologies. Someone from another planet, or a new breed that evolves from an ape may still be able to read this one day. I should make it clear. Allow me to get back to the love of my life. Evelyn is tall, blonde, and bodacious with piercing blue eyes. When she turns around, her shining blonde hair whips across her face while the light gleams off her new heart-shaped locket, transforming her already stunning physique into the angel that I know her to be.

We met only six months ago, but in such time have developed an unbreakable connection. She moved in immediately and we have spent every minute of every day together. Either she would watch me work on my ultimate creation, or I would watch her read. She’s amazing. She was able to read a book every single day. The only exception I can think of is the one time her reading light went out in the middle of the afternoon, forcing her to skip the rest of the day.

Today was the day of the apocalypse, and up until this moment, Evelyn was not aware of the sheer magnitude of the event. If I understand this “psychology of traumatic events” book correctly, this is something that would take a careful approach in order to avoid petrifying her.

We ventured outside my house. Trust me, it was very difficult to get her out the door after she’d spent so many months in her safe space. I am going to preface this next statement by repeating the notion that I love her more than anything in the world, but if I had to define one small, itsy bitsy pet peeve, it would be her propensity for crying. It isn’t the way she cries, but just the sheer volume of it. I can stare at her angelic face any day for hours at a time, but once she starts crying, she turns into Medusa.

“Do you think anyone made it?” She asked.

“Nope.”

And there she went, like a robot blowing a gasket. The tears just kept going and going. For some reason though, I thought I could do something about it this time.

“Hey, come on. Look at this. We have the whole world to ourselves. We can do anything we want. Aren’t you excited?”

She snorted some mucus back up into her cute, little button nose, while she looked down into my eyes. I can never get over her eyes. It’s like I’m looking into a different snowflake every time. I covered one of my ears, grabbed her hand and we continued our journey into the new world.

We decided to walk around the neighborhood. My house is just at the end of a culdesac inside a labyrinth of suburban streets. We ended up heading towards the circular grass field in the middle of the culdesac.

We reached the near edge of the field when I noticed a figure on the usually barren bench in the middle. I was about to separate my hand from Evelyn’s when a monstrous screech in my ear caused me to flinch. I released my grip as I naturally tried to protect myself from the nearing enemy. Turns out it was just Evelyn reacting to what she saw on the bench.

“Is that what I think it is?”

I was fairly sure it was, nonetheless, I decided to inspect further.

I placed my hands behind my back like a true scientist does and took a closer look. It was Mrs. Stein; our nosey neighbor from across the circle. Pity she should be the first one I see. I was looking forward to never having to see her again.

“Is she… dead?”

“Looks like it.”

“Well, check her pulse.”

I followed my love’s wishes, even though they were redundant. Mrs. Stein’s heart had taken its last beat. It more or less happened at the same moment as the Fitzpatrick boy from further down the road. He was arched over a basketball in his driveway.

“Adam, this is awful. Please, can we just go back?”

“And then what, my love?”

Her lower lip began to quiver, and my first thought was something along the lines of “ugh, not this again”, but I spent a lot of time reading that book. The author claims that one of the best ways to calm her anxiety is to give her a present. I had already given her a few presents over the previous few days, so that wouldn’t work.

The next best option was physical contact. If my muse needed me, she needed me. I pushed through the bubble of abhorrent noises and wrapped my arms around my petite angel.

I held myself there through the metronome of screeches, struggling to keep myself there while I waited for this advice to work, and her to stop. Each time she let out the putrid noise, my body would clench and I would squeeze her a bit harder. Eventually, the deafening noise faded out, and I sunk my face into her shoulder. I could feel the warmth radiating out of her while a tranquil silence overtook the neighborhood. At that moment I was content.

We held each other for what felt like a minute or two next to the corpse of Mrs. Stein. It was a rather dull location to begin our lives together, so I moved us along. I remembered a few months earlier when Mrs. Stein bought herself a retirement gift, a brand new, red, 6 speed, convertible, Chevrolet Camaro. So, I grabbed the keys out of her bag and took Evelyn on a joy ride.

“Where would you like to go, my love?” I asked through the fierce wind passing over the windshield.

She thought briefly and settled on Universal Studios. I was enamored with the decision. We had never gone out together before, and Universal is one of my favorite places in the world.

Even taking into account all the crashed cars on the highway, the trip only took about twenty minutes due to my proximity to the park. There was still a truck on fire off to the side of the highway. I think it was carrying lumber.

The moment we walked through the gates of the park, Evelyn’s eyes lit up.

“Oh, Adam! Can we please ride the hulk coaster?”

“For you my princess, anything.”

It was great to see her so excited. Of course, I wanted to ride it as well, but answering in this way must have gotten me a lot of good boyfriend points.

We ventured over to the coaster, and I, like the gentleman I am, let her ride while I operated. I showed her to her seat- the front row. Only the best for my Evelyn. I buckled her seatbelt and lowered the protective bar until it was in a locked position.

I watched her car shoot up to the top of the coaster and descend. Evelyn rode coasters a bit differently than most, but she still seemed to enjoy herself. Instead of lifting her hands into the air, she grabbed onto the protective bar and shook violently. When she got off, she told me it enhanced the experience. I assumed it must amplify the g force you feel when going around bends.

“Wow, I’ve never considered that. Would you mind operating while I go?”

Her eyes lit up even more than before and she delivered the kindest smile I’ve ever seen out of her. I am always learning more about her. She loves reading and apparently also operating roller coasters. However, to be honest, and I do not enjoy speaking ill of her, she is not great at it.

I stepped into the seat and she immediately ran to the lever which launches the coaster without even thinking of locking me in. Luckily, I managed to pull the bar over my shoulders before she started it up. That could have gone very badly.

When I reached the apex, I tried utilizing the Evelyn method, but it did not work for me nearly as well as it did for her. I just felt the shaking instead of the actual force of the coaster. I didn’t tell that to Evelyn, but I think she could see it for herself. She was so disappointed when I got to the end.

“Do you want to try again?” She asked.

“I would love to. I want to compare the two methods and see which one is more enjoyable.”

“Great,” she said with a smile.

Again, she forgot to latch me in before operating the lever. Thank goodness I was able to bring it down before the speed picked up. For someone who loves operating roller coasters so much, she really does not have a lot of talent for it. She must just be out of practice.

This time I went with my standard method and raised my hands. I had a blast. The wind on my face and my stomach dropping out were exhilarating feelings. I exited the car and shared my results with Evelyn when I reached the ground.

“I think I prefer my riding strategy to yours, but I love and respect your ability to choose for yourself.”

She took a deep breath and raised her lips slightly to form a smile.

“That’s okay. I appreciate you trying. Hey, can we go get some food? I’m starved.”

“Of course. I know the best spot.”

One of the few negatives to the apocalypse is the lack of service workers such as chefs and waitresses. At least for the few days following the event, there was cooked food that would just need to be reheated. I threw a few chicken thighs and churros in a microwave and we went to the boardwalk to watch the sunset.

I sat down on an empty bench and pulled her in close to me.

“So how did you like your first day in paradise?”

“It was lovely.”

“I’m so happy to hear you say that. Just imagine it. We can do anything we want forever, and no one will ever get in our way. It’s just us two.”

“Yeah,” she said through a whimper. My good mood began to evaporate just a little.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

She wiped her eyes with the edge of her sleeve. The whimpering continued. Then it got worse. She was sitting under my arm, sobbing her eyes, nose, and voice out. I didn’t look down at her to avoid being turned to stone, but I still had the information from that book in my mind. Even through this disgusting act, I was able to switch to comfort Adam mode.

I began to squeeze her. Human contact was enough to stop her last time, so it should be enough this time. She continued to wail, forcing me to squeeze harder. My arms were wrapped around her chest allowing me to feel the heavy vibration from her vocal cords.

After a few rounds, the sound began to grow quieter, but it was still there. I kept gripping harder as she continued, just like before. Only this time it kept going.

The last few she let out were muted, ghostly breaths. My comfort method was working. The last one was the volume of a whisper, and after that, it was over. I was finally able to release my grip, and she hasn’t cried since. I finally had the perfect girlfriend in the perfect world.

Now that we had some peace and quiet, I was finally able to look back at my incredible feat. So many people on TV and in movies have tried and failed to accomplish what I was easily able to do in just six months. It honestly wasn’t even that difficult. Any borderline genius with a hint of knowledge in rocket science and toxicology could have done the same thing.

I reached for Evelyn’s heart-shaped locket, to which she showed no resistance- flawlessly playing the part of the perfect girlfriend. I unlatched it from her neck and opened it up. There were two vials of emergency antidote inside- the last item I’d fabricated in the lab the day before. I grabbed one, put it in my pocket, and wrapped it back around my angel’s lovely neck before watching the sun set on the first of many perfect days.