No Time Like The Present

The world was out of control! Everyone knew it but no one could slow it down. Just like everyone else, I basically jumped on and went along for the ride. I had a nice job and a nice life. I had good friends and a great wife! I remember the day I said to my wife, I think I'm going to buy a smart car. She said, " sure Honey, whatever you want." Now that's what I'm talking about. A "Great" wife! I went down and bought a Audi A8. I loved it! Showing this car off was easy, because it shows itself off. That's what it's saying while it parks for you. "Check out these curves."

Well to tell you the entire story of how I became wealthy enough to buy a car with cash just like that would be a bore. So let's get down to the real story.

It was a hot day for the East Coaster. Nothing out of the ordinary except it was March and not normally this hot. I was going downtown to pick my wife up something special to wear out for the evening. I was right outside Saks when I told my car to park itself. I grabbed my comb and proceeded to get a few minor details in order while looking in the mirror. Nothing nicer than not having to pay attention to the road while behind the wheel. After a second or two I realized the car wasn't following instructions. I parked myself, ran inside, picked my wife up something super nice and drove straight to the Audi.

I went inside and explained how when waiting on the car to park itself I almost stabbed myself in the eye with my comb when someone honked at me. The guy stared at me like the comb was stuck in my eye. "What?" He asked. I seriously get tired of people who have no business outside the mental health ward. I said, "my car didn't park itself." I thought that's what I heard you say. Well sir, that's because cars don't park themselves. You have to park it yourself. "Not for fifty grand!" I said. I don't care if you spent a million dollars. Cars don't have that capability. Are you okay? "No, I'm pissed." Yesterday my car parked itself just fine. I told the gentleman to excuse me for a moment. "I need to call my wife!" "Dammit!" I left my phone in my car. Can I use your phone please? The salesman told me the phone lines were down and being worked on. "Okay. Can I use your cell if you don't mind?" What is a cell? "A phone." "A cell phone!" Never mind. I'll be back! I went outside to my brand new bucket. I opened my door and grabbed my phone. Wouldn't you know it? The battery was dead, and yup! No cord. I peeled out of the driveway and headed straight home.

When I got home I called out to my wife. She came running down the stairs. I told her that the idiot at Audi told me that cars don't park themselves and didn't even know what a cell phone was. "Can you believe that?" Well, yes Honey. Cars don't park themselves and I'm not sure I know what a cell phone is either. Are you okay? "Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm okay? Are you okay? No! You're not." I reached into my pocket to show my "real housewives of New Jersey" what a cell phone is to jog her memory, and it wasn't in there. You have got to be kidding me. I went back to the bucket to grab my phone. Nothing. I lost it.

It's fine. "Where's the phone you make calls on then?" The phones are down. "I'll be back!" I'm running over to Chris' house to see if he hasn't been abducted by aliens too. "Aliens?" I'll be right back. When I went back outside my car was gone. I thought to myself, "I have got to be dreaming!" I decided to go on foot. Chris only lived about a couple miles away and I needed to clear my head. Plus, I didn't feel like driving myself. About two blocks down I came across a house with an old couple in the front yard. I said, "hello." Both just looked at me and shook their heads at me. I could be mistaken, but it looked as if they were profiling me because of my tattoos. Normally, seeing how I was raised with respect and show my elders the same, I would just walk on by and maybe wonder what the hell their problems were. But, today I am in no freaking mood for the bullshit. "What are you old bitter people shaking your head at?" They ran into the house. As much as I'd like to say that made me feel better, it didn't really! I had to get to Chris' in a hurry to figure this out, so I started jogging. When I got there I started banging on the door. Chris opened the door and just about started in on me when I pushed passed him and said, "where's your cell phone?" And don't you dare ask me "what." Scott, sit down and have a drink of water. You need to cool off. Did you run here or what? "No, my car drove me here!" Whaaah, "Don't ask me that!" What the hell is going on Scott?! I don't know! First my car wasn't working, so I drove it down to see what was up, and they told me I was loosing it. Then I asked for a phone and they made me look crazier. Then I couldn't find my phone, then someone stole my car.

Scott, listen, you broke into my house right when I was about to make some food. If you want me to help you, you're going to have to eat with me or wait until I do. Sound good? "That's fine." Could you hurry up though. There's some weird shit going on. No problem. I'll just warm up some of last night pork chops. You want one? "I'm good." Chris, what the hell are you doing? Turning one the stove to warm them up. "What didn't you understand about hurry it up?" Nuke it! Let's roll. What did you just say? "What? Nuke it?" Yes. "Yeah, in the microwave. Come on man!" On second thought, I'm not that hungry. Where do you want to go? We just need to run down to "old man" Joe's house. He knows everything about everything. He will help me figure out what's going on. No problem, meet me around the side of the house. "What for? Don't you still park in the garage?" Seriously Scott? Meet me outside, I have to tell Betty I'm leaving. Okay?

When I went outside and around the front of the house to the side gate, I heard a horse. "Dude, I have to hurry and you want to show me your horses. Where is your car?" There are no cars! "What?" They haven't been built yet! I was just at the Audi store less than an two hours ago. How could this be? Hop on and we'll take ride over to Joe's. "Dude, I don't know how to ride a horse!" Okay, you know what they say, hang on for dear life! The entire way to Joe's I never saw a car. Not a car or a truck. As a matter of fact, I didn't remember even seeing any streets, signs, sidewalks, or grass. All the houses looked dead to me. I had smoked a little medical grade marijuana with a friend the night before, but that wasn't the first time if I'm entirely truthful, so I knew it couldn't be that. I just knew that things were changing and at an alarmingly high rate of speed.

We got to Joe's about an hour or two before dark. "Damn, I miss my car." When we knocked at the door Joe hollered, "come on in!" At least that was normal, I thought to myself. Joe was one of the oldest New Yorkers I knew, and the best part was that he sounded like he was from the South. A New Yorker with a Southern draw. He wasn't going to bullshit you! What's the big fuss about? "Joe, about four or five hours ago my life was normal. I had a car, a cell phone, a microwave for Christ's sake! Now there's no streets. I feel like I'm stuck in a Western." Well you might be stuck, if you don't pull your britches tight and get it together. Now it sounds like to me, that you boys have had yourself a bit of fun and now you're regretting it. " No Joe. Stone sober." That's not the fun I'm talking about. In life, you forgot what it was all about. Toys! Anyone remember what it's like to have fun without your toys? Go out to the pond you all used to play on when you kids little. Try and get back to how you used to be and maybe then you'll find what you're looking for.

It was worth a try. So Chris and I rode down to the pond. It was still frozen solid enough to walk on it. So when Chris began to tie the horse off to the tree, I ran out and slid on my knees like I did when I was a kid. It may or may not work but it took my mind off of things for a bit. Just until I heard the sound of a bird. "Did you hear that?" When I turned to look at Chris he had changed into some threads I've never seen before. "What the?" Don't worry, just come here. We can't let it see us. "What is it?" The bird. It will eat us! We must cross the pond before it melts and then hide. "Where's the horse?" What horse? "Oh my God!" Let's go then! We ran across the ice as the biggest bird I'd ever seen squawked above us. The ice started to crack beneath our feet with a hundred yards to go. It was fourth and thirty with one second on the clock. I ran as fast I could and about forty yards to go, I tripped and slid for about fifteen yards on my face. As I got to my knees I saw a frozen Saber-toothed tiger's face under the ice two inches from the surface.

After passing out I wasn't sure how I made it to the cave we were in but I was glad to be there. I was glad Chris was there. I was just glad to be alive. I looked up and saw my wife. I saw our children. They we're throwing sticks and laughing. I saw old Joe. We all were dressed in animal fur. We had a fire lit. I looked outside and the ice was melted but it was snowing. Winter was here again. Maybe one day we will grow to have everything we've ever wanted. Maybe one day we will have more food. Where no one will be hungry!

The End