No One Can Know

“Do not touch that.”

Caleb just stared back at me, then continued climbing up onto the chair.

“Please, Caleb, don’t.”

He had his hands on it but didn’t lift it off the shelf. He could probably hear the distress in my voice, the powerlessness that I was feeling. He turned his head towards me, sighed with a naughty smile and came down from his desk chair. He dragged it behind him to get closer to me and swung it forward, aligning it with his desk before regaining the same position he had less than five minutes prior, five minutes before I had noticed the brown paper package.

“You know that I just like teasing you, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“So, you really won’t tell me what’s in it?”

I just shook my head.

“Is it because it’s for me?”

I sigh. “Can we drop the subject? Please?”

He agreed and then quickly began telling me about his new personal project. He always has a project going on, and as soon as one starts to get too slow or less exciting, he starts himself a new one. This time it’s a 3D printer. He says that he’ll print me whatever I want, and even teased that one day he’ll print a ring to put on my finger.

He rambled on and on and eventually asked me how my day was. I told him about my new classmates and my teachers, how they all seemed really nice – for now. First impressions could be wrong after all. I told him how my housemates were different from me – maybe it’s just because they’re Ontarian. I told him about what I saw on my walk to school every morning and how it somehow changes on my walk back. I told him how much I missed him, even though I’ve only been gone for a week.

After an hour of video chatting, a few tears and a lot of “I miss you’s,” Caleb hung up, leaving me alone in a room I haven’t gotten used to yet, illuminated only by the light created from my computer’s desktop. After a few seconds – or minutes, I’m not sure anymore – I shut off my screen, completed my bedtime routine, and laid down in bed. Still, even though it was way past my usual bedtime, and even though it was dark and cool – just the way I like it – I couldn’t close my eyes.

I needed to do something about that package.

Caleb wouldn’t open it. I knew he wouldn’t. He respected me and wouldn’t do anything I specifically asked him not to. I was sure of it. And the only reason he saw it was because I asked him to go into my office to see if I forgot my bag with the novels I was planning on reading during my semester (I did). Still, on any regular day, he doesn’t even get close to my office, and he’ll probably forget about the package by tomorrow morning, right?

The weeks went by, and the circles under my eyes grew bigger. Caleb seemed to have forgotten about the package. He noticed the fatigue in my expression, but just assumed that it was school-related stress, which it most often is. He forgot, but I couldn’t. I needed to do something about that package.

I wanted to fly home so bad, but that’s not something I could afford to do more than once a semester and in between terms. I settled with counting the days till the Fall study week, and every day that passed added a darker layer under my eyes.

A month and a half passed, and my suitcase had been ready for half of that. I was finally going home. I was going to hug and kiss and make love to Caleb. I was going to get rid of that package.

Or at least put it somewhere safe.

I needed a distraction on the plane, so I chose the Phantom Tollbooth – something I had never watched before. I made it up until Milo meets Dodecahedron, but shut it off in fear it would give me nightmares. God knew I didn’t need more of those. I settled for the Princess and the Frog, a safe bet.

The plane landed, and I went through all the regular steps. For once, all I could think about was Caleb waiting for me at the exit. When I finally made it out, there he was. Tall, handsome, dorky cute, just the way I left him. He even had his mom cut his hair to look good for me. He wrapped his arms around me and didn’t let me go. I let my senses take in as much as it could: I had brought one of his sweaters with me but it had lost all his scent, so I breathed in through my nose a couple of times. I took in his shape, that familiar shape which I wanted to bring with me but couldn’t. I took in the real sound of his voice, rather than the slightly modified one that came out of my laptop’s speakers. And, eventually, I just held on to him, because if he was with me it meant that he wasn’t with the package.

He drove me to my parent’s place first – it was on the way, and he knew I missed them a lot too. After a nice supper and lots of hugs, he drove me home. He brought in my suitcase and carry-on, letting me take in the starry sky that I always loved gazing at. The view from the city was nothing compared to the view from our home. Caleb walked back out and wrapped his arms around me from behind. He kissed my neck, then whispered into my ear:

“When you’re done school, I’m getting you your very own telescope.”

I smiled.

He walked me inside, and he undressed me. He laid me down, kissed me all the way down to my toes, then I watched him strip. We were both too exhausted to do anything else than simply being together, so that’s exactly what we did. And that was the first night that I slept well.

The next day, he invited me to the grocery store. I kindly refused, saying that I’d like to go for a walk. He immediately understood. I used to walk up to the woods every day, would bring a book or a journal with me, or sometimes I would just meditate as curious deer would approach me. He grabbed the grocery list and baskets, and headed out the door. I grabbed the package and a shovel, and did the same.

I don’t think anyone saw me – it was a Monday morning, most people would be at work, right? If somebody did, what would they have thought? Maybe they’d think it’s a DIY time capsule. Maybe they’d think it’s a box of mementos that my brother left me before he tragically disappeared last year. They’d be closer with that second guess.

I needed to go as deep in the woods as possible, to a place where no one would go for at least the time vegetation would need to grow over the hole I dug.

What was I thinking? The woods still wasn’t the best place to get rid of this. I should have just left it where I found it in the first place. I should have called the cops as soon as I read the note that came with it. Why did I have to go and burn it?

I can be so stupid sometimes.

Everyone will think it was me.

But only if they find this.

I laid the package down, buried it and flattened the surface with my shovel. A tear rolling off my cheek, I threw some leaves and branches over it. It didn’t look suspicious at all.

I walked back towards the house, leaving the shovel in the woods. I didn’t want Caleb to catch me walking back with it. I would bring it back another time.

When I exited the woods, I breathed for the first time since I had entered it. But then it struck me: a river would’ve been better. A river would’ve washed my brother’s ashes away.