My Best Friend Ingaborg

She landed on my doorstep like a long lost friend, demanding I sell her one of my prized Silver or Gold hard to source chooks.I was a little taken aback, as I had never met this rattled woman in a dirty long skirt and a very large boob before.

I told her they were not for sale, and after an hour long session of talking and wondering the wonders of this land, I gave her one.

Ingaborg was sure she was Polish, as her Grandmother was Polish, her Father was Polish, her Mother was Polish, but herself and her siblings were German. She told me one day that her dad used to leave them behind to try and find his mum, for months he was gone from sun up till sun down, wearing his steel helmet like they were told to do.

One day, while he was out searching for a mum he would never see again, he was hit by a stray bullet, it went straight through his helmet and propelled him into hospital for a very long time. It was while he was in hospital, he found out what had happened to his mum, it was the same thing that happened to many polish people who had the hide to not be born German. She was locked in a train with many other Polish people, including women and children. And the train was taken out of town and left in the freezing winter for a week or so. Ingaborg said, it was so cold the only way they thought to keep warm was to urinate on blankets and huddle together, the warmth of the urine gave them some comfort for a tiny while.

One day Ingaborg came to see me, she had taken on a couple of chooks who have very badly neglected feet, they were coated in some sort of dry matter and it was hard to see where the toes were. We drank tea and discussed everything that was important to us, nature of course.

A week or so later, Ingaborg came to visit again, she was highly stressed, her eyes kept sliding left and right, her hands clenching and unclenching, she kept saying, so much blood, so much blood. Her hair was wet and she seemed to smell of urine. I was becoming more and more concerned, and after a while I found out that she had decided to cut the birds nails as they were so long and curly the poor chooks couldn't walk properly. I was relieved to explain the her that sometimes when a bird or animals toes were left to grow so long they can bleed rather a lot, and not to worry, they will be better in a few days.

I went to visit Ingaborg a few days later to see how her chooks got on, she was so pleased with the result and showed me with pride her two chooks she had cured, my heart stopped in my chest after I heard the question I asked her, 'Where are their toes?'

A week or so later, Ingabord came to visit again. I was not home, so she went into the kitchen and left a gift and a note. When I got home, I saw the honey on the table and a note beside it. The honey lid was upside on the table full of some sort of dried twiggy material, shaking my head I read the note: Hello beautiful friend, I went shopping and found the most beautiful organic tea, it was so delicious I had to share it with you, I couldn't find anything to put it in though. It was honey in my tea that afternoon.

While we would wander around in the garden and I was weeding or moving sprinklers, Ingabord would sometimes get in the way or knock me over with her huge boob, I said, wow Ingaborg, if that boob gets any bigger, you will knock me into Kingdom Come, we would laugh and giggle, until one day she showed me her big boob, her nipple was black and dry. I said quietly, Ingaborg, I think you have cancer, she laughed and said, of course I don't, it is just a cyst.

As time went on, my friend started to become ill, at times I would find her at home still in her bed in the back yard, other times she would be pouring urine over her head, especially when she lost another one of her many cats who took over her life, her house, her wallet and her health.

Outside, on the road, running past my friends house seemed to be a large carpet woven with fur. Many trucks sped by Ingaborg's house at night.

We decided on a plan, when things got too much for her, I would catch a brown snake and put it in an empty pool, then lift her into the pool. We discussed it many times, and kept deciding that was the right thing to do. In the mean time, I caught a brown snake, which I had very closely stepped on while she was searching for a place to lay her eggs. And put it in the empty pool with some water and logs and mice ready for the day Ingaborg said it was time.

A month or so later, Ingaborg was glowing, she was so close to heaven she could feel it, her wings were growing at a fast rate and that it was time. I asked her many times if she was sure she was ready, she assured me she was. So, we hugged, said we couldn't wait to see each other on the other side of air and I picked her up and gently walked over to the pool, rested my back against the side of the pool for balance and just as I turned around to place Ingaborg in the pool, she saw the snake lift it's head and flattened it's neck. It scared her so badly that she chucked a tantrum in my arms at the same time using me as a sounding board to fling herself as far away from the snake as she could. I was thrown backwards into the pool about a foot from the snake.

The bite didn't seem to hurt much at all.