Midnight Dance

Every night at midnight, the purple clouds came out to dance with the blushing sky. I stare at the wonder that it is. Never wavering on their promise to a appear, the sky’s consistency creates a calm in the middle of my storm. Allowing me to clear my mind and let go of the stresses of the day. The midnight hour is something I wait upon. Each night offers a different combination of the color purple in the clouds and tone of the blushing sky. Neither dance being more beautiful than the nights prior.

“Out here again?” My closest friend sits down next to me. The comfort of his eyes have always welcomed me to resolve any hinderance that may have been brought upon by the world, or dare I say, society.

Our childhood meeting spot is in the middle of the forest, between our homes. Since opposite sexes must always be in company, this is the only time him and I have privacy to see one another. Since we became of age, we have been instructed not to meet alone. Our friendship has always been innocent. Pure intentions and non-judgmental love. Its immediate acceptance I always long for.

“You know it is my routine.” I look over to him and offer him a slight smirk, “The only reliable thing in my life besides you, my dear Jindet.”

“This is true…” I nudge him due to his agreeance. “What? You said it.” He knows me beyond my own knowledge.

“What am I to do?” I fall back onto the field, hair intertwining with the blades of grass. Laying, looking past the swirling colors to the stars.

I have caused an upheaval in my life. Having been in a tumultuous relationship, I am now free of the discerning eyes of my ex. Egotistical, demanding, critical, controlling and forceful, I had been brought to the belief that I am not whole without him. My feet not steady enough to carry me through trials without the consent of his permission. Always catechism my own decisions and taught to self-criticize my every thought. How is a woman to make proper judgement with the lack of input from that of a man?

My leaving him at the alter has caused quite a scandal in our town. Especially that of a young girl preparing to marry higher than her station. The audacity I had to disrespect him. To abandon him and his rule. Been groomed to be grateful for his advances. The shame I have brought to my family name for not being submissive. To not obey thy own father’s command and decision is that of a wicked woman. For an unmarried, childless woman is not one of good upbringing. Pariah is what they refer me. Cursed is what they claim. Witch is what they fear.

Now I lay, staring at the true wonder of the world, not the man who try to make himself, my own. This wonder is natural. This wonder is most uplifting. This wonder is a beauty without convincing and manipulation is not needed. Never having been neglected by the butterflies within the midnight hour brings upon me.

“Live!” My dear Jindet rubs my hand then interlocks his fingers with mine. Another specie of butterfly enters within.

“Live… what does that entail? I am no longer sure of its definition.” I give his hand a slight squeeze.

“First,” Jindet stands, forcing my arm above me, “you must dance amongst the midnight sky!” He pulls me to a dancing stance and then guides me about the field. “You must allow the purple clouds to guide your movements and the blushing sky to sing to you.”

Joy and laughter are carried with the wind. The trees join us in our performance. A few fireflies dance about the grassy area. Bird songs offer a harmony to step to.

I release his hand from mine. He sighs, “Oh, how I appreciate the midnight air.” Jindet steadies his breathing. He stretches his body. Tall and strong, if only I could find romance within him, I am sure my parents would approve. He would never allow himself to anger, corrupt my thoughts or deprave me of my imagination.

“It is the purest of hours. Simply offering a spectacular show of affection for thine eyes.” Oh, how I longed for this type of intimacy with my ex-betrothed. To be myself. To be accepted for who I am and not encourage to conform to the mold bestowed upon me. To be enjoyed as my true self.

I begin a dance that insights a bit of a competition between him and I. His genuine smile engages mine. We dance about the trees, apologizing to the birds we disturb in our cavorting. Freely and relaxed, we enjoy our company as we used to. After over a year of degradement, I happily am overcome with the love of myself. Perhaps of him…

Unknowingly, we dance our way to the brim of the lake in the middle of this forest. The waterfall on the other side of the lake creates a mist; it seems to connect the sky to ground. This mist cools my flushed skin, which I am sure mimics the shade of the blushing sky.

“My favorite nights are when the clouds drop to the earth for us to walk amongst.” Jindet reaches to the sky in attempt to grasp the sky. “I do enjoy whipping my finger circular, creating a funnel of sorts. Gliding my hands through the vibrancy, watching the clouds thin between my fingers.” His hands paly out his words.

“This midnight evening, we shall walk amongst the clouds.” I walk closer to the lake. “Join me, dear Jindet.” He follows me closely.

The still lake mirrors the elegance of the midnight sky. I remove my tightly laced shoes, slightly lift my dress and rest my feet in the water. A chill races through me. Goose skin sets my skin ablaze. My cheeks warm. Jindet joins, rolling the base of his pants to his mid-calf and tucking his hosens into his waistband.

“I was scolded for dying my clothing with the ground clouds.” I close my eyes to relish in past memories of being without responsibility. “Once as a child, my new yellow dress was turned shades of purple as I danced among them. When I returned home and mother saw, I was made to remove it and instructed to discard the garment. Mother exclaimed that if a member higher station noticed the color than we, as a family, would be reprimanded. She was furious.” I spin a few times, mimicking the movement of the purple clouds I am so envious of. Allowing the water to damp the edge of my dress.

“Do you still have it?” Jindet grabs one of my hands and assist me in my twirling. The warmth of his hand removes my goose skin.

“You know me too well.” I stop, rest my hands upon his shoulders and smile, mischievously. “I do…” The base of my dress is now drawing water quickly. I yank my dress up, perhaps a bit too high.

Jindet notices and lacks reaction. “You must show me.” He seems to swallow, “Your purple cloud dress.” Jindet insists with excitement. The twinkle in his eyes is the same as when we were children in search of mischief.

“I shall…” I grasp his hand and guide him towards my home. The brim of my dress captures matter dur to being forced closer to the ground by its wetness. A sticks tears at my stockings. It surely is uncomfortable but I carry on.

The excitement of him and I gallivanting as we did in our early years, makes me miss him all the more. Having only seen him three times during the time of my courtship, and only at formal events, forced me to ignore our friendship. Constant catering left little time for repose. My dithery state was guised as me adjusting to adulthood. Becoming a true woman of stature by putting away childhood notions and a carefree existence, is how my mother explained my new state of mind. Sadness is what I felt. Thrusted into a life built for me. Yes, I know, I am expected to succumb to my parents guidance if I were truly a grateful daughter but despair was to be the new me if I had married him.

Standing there about to join him at the alter, I could not move. In stillness, I saw the life that was before me. Full of emotionless relations, lack of compassion, much child baring, violence upon insolence, and daily regret. My only option was to run. Which I did, quickly.

Now I run freely with a person I care wholeheartedly for. Our joy reaches the dancing sky above us, now peeking through the trees. A hooting owl greets us as we grow closer to the tree line, as if to warn me of what may be ahead.

I heed its warning, “Wait here. I’ll return in a moment.” Alone, I walk into my backyard. Candlelight is moving about my room. Mother calls out for me through the open window.

“Pewanty? Where art thou?” Mother sighs as she watches me walk closer to the back door. Surely, she will chastise me for leaving the house unattended, as she has so many times throughout my life. Her bare feet tap the stares as she descends them. “Pewanty, you must inform me of your dismissal. You know I worry.”

“Yes, mother. I apologize. You and father were taking much too long to return home.” They had a ball to attend, in need to uphold my father’s standing with parliament. “I became antsy.” I was not extended an invitation.

“My dear, must you go in haste again, please leave a message.” Mother points at the quill in the reading room, adjacent to the stairwell. “Shall I ask what you are up to?” Jindet is not the only one who is aware of my nightly habit.

“There is no need. I caught a chill and decided to retrieve my shawl. I have only mere moments before the midnight sky desists.” I begin up the stairs and mother closely follows.

Speaking lightly, “Perhaps you should lace you shoes tighter. It seems as if you have lost them...” Mother takes notice of my damp dress, “And perhaps you should retrieve your cloak if you are to return to the lake. You are aware of the temperature drop after the midnight sky.” Contrary to its name, midnight sky, it radiates a similar heat as a decent sunny fall day would and lasts until three am sharp.

“Father will notice my cloak missing. I have many shawls.” Father notices when a paper has been shifted or a book repositioned. He is quite particular.

We stop in front of my bedroom door, “Let me worry about your father. You are mature enough now. I shall not fill you with warning or advice. Please return before daybreak. You know I-“

I cut mother off, “Worry. Yes, yes, mother, I know.” Mother kisses me on the cheek and goes into the room her and father share. Unlike most couples, they share the same bedchamber. Mother calls her separate room her dressing room. I can hear my father speaking with my mother.

Surely if father new the truth of my misery during my courtship, he would no longer have grievances with me. Father will not hear of any of it, yet. Hopefully soon he will forgive and allow the conversation. His pride so strong.

Quietly I search for my beloved dress. I would put it on during the night while mother and father lay rest. I swore a maid to secrecy one day when she caught me hosting a one person musical when I was supposed to be involved in study. I tuck the dress in the top of my knickers and tip-toe down the stairs. I drape my cloak upon my shoulders and sneak out of the back door. The same owl hoots as I return to my company.

“Come now, before father realizes something is afoot.” I grab Jindet’s hand and hustle into the forest, headed towards the lake.

The moon is now full and high in the sky, creating a glow that can only be witnesses once a month. Once we make it back to the lake, I remove my cloak.

“Turn around,” I point off to Jindet. He complies. I lift the front of my dress and begin to remove my childhood garment. I do not look but I can feel Jindet’s eyes upon me. I move slowly, allowing him to sneak his peek. I fix the dress I am wearing and take a deep breath. When I look up, Jindet is looking away. “Here it is!” I encourage him to turn around. I wave the dress about.

“It is so small.” He removes the dress from my grip and holds it up to the moonlight. “You can see the swirls.” He adorns the old tattered fabric.

“That evening I danced until the midnight sky ceased. I had to jog home that evening. You know, before the chill set in. Mother was waiting for me.” The memory is as fresh as the day after it happened. “I just wish she would have let me wear it… I was so excited to have a dress dyed by the clouds. I bet not even the royals had clothing of the sort. I wanted to show it off.”

“Perhaps, one day, o-“ Jindet is cut off by the sound of my father shouting my name through the woods. “I should go before he has me arrested, again.” Jindet hands me my little dress, takes my hand in his and gently kisses it before he runs off, disappearing in the tree line.

I sit at the edge of the lake, taking in my last few breaths before my father makes his appearance. Dipping my toes upon the water again. I am sure father has already worked himself into a frenzy. After my first bleed, father came searching for me and any culprit that may be in search for my virtue. Father had never had issue with myself and Jindet relaxing about with one another previously. But once I became a woman, father swore to the high heavens that Jindet had only one activity in mind. Jindet was always the perfect friend… maybe he was being a gentleman. Jindet is a mere two years my senior so he is still considered too young to be mature. Mother always insisted that woman mature and find their places in the world far younger than men. The knowledge needed for a wife comes naturally to women, but men have to be taught and instructed properly, is what father insisted.

Father’s heavy steps and snapping sticks get closer. I close my eyes, preparing for a scolding. His steps louder and his voice quieter, father approaches me, “Daughter, what have I explained to you going about the world unattended. You know what would ensue if someone came to witness you alone, wondering the forest. Why shall I repeat myself?”

“You shall not, father.” I look to him and prepare to stand up. He offers his hand for assistance. I take it. I gather my cloak and shoes.

“Come now, daughter, let us get you home.” His stiffness and broad shoulders make it difficult for him to navigate between the close nit trees.

We are halfway home when I realize I left my cloud dress. “Father, I left something at the lake. I must retrieve it at once.”

“You may no-“

I run off before father has the opportunity to finish his sentence.

“Pewanty!” Fathers voice pushes me faster through the woods. He continues to protest but I ignore his words.

My hair and clothing become snag as I rush back, hoping to get one last glimpse of Jindet. I do not know when will be the next time I shall see him, no less unaccompanied. I was unaware of how much I was in need of his presence until this evening. The longing I felt was not of freedom, it was of Jindet.

In half the time, I return to the lake but my clouded dress is nowhere in sight. I hop in the water, thinking a light wind may have forced it into the water. I find nothing but the water and a few larger stones. The midnight sky is beginning to dissipate. Full of worry due to me now being wet to the hip and knowing the chill is about to set in, I rush from the lake and try to twist the water from my dress. I remove my torn stockings. Hopeless and now longing for my childhood pride in the form of a dress, I jog back to father who continued his way home.

Him and I walk in silence, my bare feet absorbing as much of the earth as I can manage. Even the stones and sticks poking my feet are welcomed. I am not sure when I will be allotted the freedom to return barefooted. It is un-lady-like to do such a thing.

“Father…” He looks to me with questioning eyes, “You must not continue to be upset with me about the broken courtship. If you were aware of his treatment, surely you would be understanding.”

Father is quiet, which surprises me because father is never rendered speechless. “Pewanty, I was made aware of his cruelness and pious prior to your courtship.”

Now I am speechless, knowing that if I reply with emotions felt, father may feel it necessary that I be committed for hysterics. Unfortunately, hysteria only strikes women. I have heard tales of women who have been diagnosed hysterical. That is a title I am willing to be spared. “Then why father, would you condemn me to a life of misery?”

“A wealthy life is worth the stress of unhappiness. You would have found joy with the many children you would have mothered. You do not understand the stress of finances. Although, now you may.” I can hear the disappointment in his tone. “It will now be quite a feat to precure you another wealthy match or any match for that matter. I do not think it will be possible, due to the possible embarrassment if you were to leave the groom at the alter with only his pride, again.”

“Father, I only wish a happy match. Wealth is not what I desire. Men pursue wealth.” I hope to find a carefree match similar to mine and Jindet’s friendship. We are ourselves in one another company. He may not be the wealthiest but his family is one of accomplishment and even mannered. Before this evening, I have yet to see Jindet as a possible mate. Why, tonight, is he so appealing?

Three days have passed and father has watched my every move. He may even know the count of my breaths in each hour. I occupy myself with an open book, not reading but appearing to do so. Instead trying to figure where my cloud dress blew away to. I attempted to search for it the other evening but father instructed the doorman not leave the rear door unattended. Father even placed a bell on the handle. All the other doors and every window in the house creek when being opened. I have declared myself a mission to leave this place tonight. I did not escape my marriage to be held captive by my father. Perhaps I will offer father slumber tea, disguised as refreshment tea, this evening. Surely that will help me.

I catch myself midday-dreaming about a life that could be had between Jindet and I. These new thoughts have become somewhat intrusive. Mother often calling for me repeatedly, insisting I regain my wit before father notices me lost in thought. Often thinking about his eyes and smile, the way he speaks to me so tenderly, how he is always so chivalrous, and how he allows me to be myself without correction. Mother knows of my thoughts and asserts that father will never agree.

Father drinks his tea with our evening meal, surprisingly asking for another cupful. I am certain he will fall fast asleep and his slumber will be heavy after the second serving. Within the hour, father excuses himself to retire for the evening, but not before reminding the doorman to stay alert. I wink at the doorman because he has no idea that he will also be fast asleep due to my deceitful tea, in which he also had two servings.

Mother kisses the top of my head as the night nears the nine o’clock hour. She whispers, “Go quietly,” to me when she looks to the doorman fast asleep. She walks heavily up the stairs to put their slumber to test. Neither of them stir. I finish the last row of my knitted blanket; one I have made for Jindet as a way to represent my new found affections towards him.

I find a picnic basket, place the folded blanket, a few pieces of fruit, some cheese and a half loaf of baked bread I made earlier, into it and force the lid closed. I quietly put on my shoes and cloak and go to the side door. Slowly pushing, the door creeks. Ajar just enough for me to fit through, I slide outside with my basket.

Making it to the field just before the dance of the midnight sky begins, I breathe in the fresh, crisp air. At ease, I set my basket down beside me, hoping for Jindet’s company. My nerves force me to fidget. My wondering mind has given me a nervousness that I have yet to experience when it comes to Jindet’s possible affection.

I wrap my cloak tightly around me and lay upon the ground. I allow myself to get lost in the purple and blushing dance that is my comfort. My thoughts are no longer and my mind is at rest.

“I was hoping to find you here this evening.” Jindet’s voice startles me and I respond with a screech. He chuckles, “Did I frighten you?”

My heart beating quickly due to two separate reasons, I attempt to catch my breath. With my hand to my chest, I am now in an upright position. “Indeed, you did.”

“May I?” He gestures to join me on the ground.

I look up to him and notice the clouds are dancing to the beat of my heart. “You may.” I tuck my cloak under my legs.

“I have news…” Jindet looks to me with concerning eyes.

“Is that so? What would be this mystery news?” He has always loved to travel. For this, I will be excited for his upcoming adventures.

“I will be allotted to court once I return from university. Mother and father have been considering a betrothal.” He smiles and looks to the basket. “What’s this?”

“I brought food because I hardly ate during my evening meal.” I swallow the knot in my throat and attempt to disguise the pain of him marrying someone other than myself.

He pulls a pear from the basket and rests his head on the ground while biting into the pear. Strange, I no longer feel a need for celebration. I silently join him on the ground. The swallowed knot now resides in my stomach.

“Father said I should have matured enough to court.” He takes another bite and chews loudly, something that has never bothered me before.

I force excitement, “Well that’s exciting.”

“It is!” His giddiness is evident. My feelings do not match his.

We lay there together, for what may be the last time, watching the purple clouds and blushing sky dance. I lose this disheartening feeling in the coils and twists and helixes that is the midnight sky. Being here, with him, alone, under the midnight sky, in this moment, is a moment in time I vow to always remember. No matter what happens when we leave here this evening, I will always own this moment. And that I am grateful for.

The pain in my chest returns with unwelcomed tears. I lay still, feeling the drops create their own path upon my skin. I unknowingly sniffle capturing the attention of Jindet. His excitement is lost and replaced with concern.

“Are you alright?” He sits up and is now looking down at me.

The night sky mimics my eyes and droplets of purple rain begin to fall. Caught off guard, Jindet looks to the sky. A few drops land before he returns his gaze upon me.

“Pewanty, what is the matter?” He tosses the core of the eaten pear.

“Who are you to be betrothed?” I muster through my tears.

“No need to fret, I am to choose my lady.” No lady will ever be worthy of such a kind and gentle man.

“And who have you chosen?” Knowing I truly do not want to know the answer. Dreading the future hatred I will harbor towards this lady. To know I will suffer from envy and jealousy for the rest of my years.

“Who else… but you?” Jindet gently wipes my tears away.

Completely caught off guard, I begin to sob. I sit up and pull my knees to my chest in attempt to conceal my feelings. So many emotions surge through me. He gently rests his hand upon my shoulder. The happiness I feel at the possibility that I may one day be his wife, the pain I am overcoming at the thought of him being with another, the trials I experienced during my previous courtship, the discerning eyes of my father, how in one statement the uncertainty of my future has been sealed, there are more but I cannot seem to name another. Only tears.

“I choose you, Pewanty. Always.” Purple raindrops splash upon my basket.

I remove my face from my cloak after my tears slow, “I made you a blanket.” I reach into the basket.

Confused but intrigued, “You made me a blanket?” He smiles as I hand him my heartfelt knitted masterpiece.

I wipe the last tears from my face, “Yes. Finished it just today.” I smile back, blushing with pride and embarrassment.

He opens the blanket to see its size, “Shall we allow the raindrops to color the blanket? It will be our first cloud-stained linen that we shall obtain together.” His heart is pure and his affections for me innocent and true.

I cannot help but to leap into is arms, forcing him back to the ground. He engages my gesture. We look into each other for what feels like lifetimes before I lay upon his chest. He covers us with the blanket, allowing the raindrops to makes its own pattern.

After a long moment, “Pewanty…”

“Yes.” Although I want to look at him, I cannot seem to pull myself away from his chest. I do not want to release him from me.

“I have your childhood dress.” I recognize the grin in his tone.

“You do? I was afraid a wind pushed it to the lake.” I do not need a man, per say but I want this one.

“I watched you and waited for you and your father to leave and noticed you left it. I had it mended so our daughters could enjoy the magic of their mother’s imagination.”

My heart is mended. My smile glows. And I shall never experience the pain of uncertainty again. Looking at my past, my present and my future all within one being, oh how fortunate I am.

I am now the purple clouds and Jindet is the blushing sky and every midnight him and I shall dance with the midnight sky.