Middlebroke

Dr. Betty say I should write down what happened so I dont flip the hell out and be a mess the rest of my life. She say if I dont do something with all the stuff I feel then I might do bad things when I get older cause I aint never seen nothing else but bad things and dont know no better. She aint say it like that but thats how she meant it.

It aint true though and I tell her I seen plenty of good things too, like when Stephanie stole some extra milk out the lunchroom and was about to get suspended but the counselor went home sick and they let Stephanie get by without nothing happening. That was something nice. And when Pootie from down the block had broke his leg running from the police and it turnt out they was chasing the wrong person so he didnt even end up going down to the station. I thought that was something nice too cause he always in enough trouble and he woulda gone straight to jail this time and his momma woulda been mad as hell and made all us kids stay off her porch. We always meet up over on Pooties mommas porch cause she give us the extra pie she bake so it was nice we still could.

Dr. Betty dont say nothing about it but I know she dont think these things is that nice but then she aint grow up in the hood so she dont know no better neither. Even though she white she still a lot like my crazy ass teacher Mrs. Lattimore and got to get her own way all the time so these is real things that had happen to me in Detroit last year 1989, and I was 11.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Things was like they always was on the day Uncle showed up. We was going to school and there was a drive by out on Chalmers and Jesse Bookers older brother Tony got shot in the gut. Tony drive this big gold car everybody know about but I bet he wish didn’t nobody know who he was that day. He probly wish he wasn’t even born. Everybody say he work for that big dealer Bullet and owe him some money or something. I dont know nothing much about dealing but I know thats how it is. Even me who is just a little girl know nobody sposed to be dumb enough to owe Bullet no money, and it sound flat crazy to go around owing him something else.

Jesse came to school even after his brother got shot and he still was loud mouthed as ever. He always got something to say. I think I woulda been hiding under my bed crying with my mouth shut but not Jesse. Even though his brother might be lying up in the hospital dead and even though they might be coming to get him next he just running his mouth like nothing never happened. We all looking at him in class like he got a target on his back and we gonna get shot if we sit next to him or know his name.

Stephanie the first to say something cause she got a big mouth too cant nobody do nothing about.

I think its about time I skip out cause I aint tryna be caught up in no drive by, Stephanie say.

Shut the hell up, Sherrie say, her hand on her big belly.

Sherrie pregnant. She in the sixth grade, 13 but about to be 14, held back twice and pregnant. You shoulda heard what these dummies come up with when we found that out. Stephanie ask if it hurt to get pregnant, like when a boy stick it in for the first time.

If it hurt you think all these hoochies be knocked up, Sherrie say back. Then Stephanie ask if its true you shit yourself when you go into labor. Its just like that crack head Stephanie to ask about shitting.

Shut up. All you kids is so stupid, is all Sherrie say.

She always pulling rank just cause she older and knocked up like she got a crystal ball in her pants that make her think she smart. The only thing been down in her pants is Dougie, a dummy over at the high school, and that just make her a dummy’s victim.

Aint nobody gonna do no drive by, Sherrie say that day. If they was Dougie would know and I sure as hell wouldnt be here, she say.

I dont think I wanna get shot in the ass on accounta Dougie not knowin nothin, Stephanie say.

Stephanie crazy but she aint never been no joke. On the next five minute break she sneaked through two hall monitors to get outside and walk all the way back home to Promenade. Its far as hell to walk but going far out the way do seem a whole lot better then getting shot in the ass.

So now I’m bored cause Stephanie gone and I start being a brat and ask Sherrie some real good questions like why she got pregnant in the first place and then with somebody dumb like Dougie. She dont say nothing but just give me a look like she wanna kick my ass. That’s how I know that day didn’t start like nothing special cause there was a shooting like it is every day and I got to ask a pregnant girl about how dumb you gotta be to get knocked up by one of these trifling fools.

No wonder Mrs. Lattimore so crazy.

Even though we all scared Bullet gonna come up to the school and go all out on Jesse most of us dont do like Stephanie and skip or go nowhere. The eighth graders got some balloons for making a medium score on the state test and for not being as dumb as everybody thought they was so Jesse and the other boys start doing gross things with them to make us girls laugh and to get attention. They got the balloons on they chest and between they legs like the balloons is boobs and balls and they rubbing on them and moaning. We laugh until fat Glenn farts loud and then cant nobody stop laughing, even when Mrs. Lattimore start yelling.

Bunch of damn hooligans, Mrs. Lattimore say and we just laugh some more. We so wild we losing our minds.

I don’t know why we was laughing. It’s like when I was little in the third grade and two mommas got into it outside the elementary school. One of they kids was picking on the other one, so the picked on kids momma came up to the school and pulled out a gun and walked right up to the other mommas car. We was in the middle of class and our teacher, Mr. Z, seen it from the window and just about shit his pants making all us little kids get down on the floor under the desks. Most of us start acting up and laughing for no reason but one or two of the little girls start crying.

I dont wanna die, one little girl say next to me. She was one of those funny little kids that cry about every damn thing so it dont seem like nothing special to me. Even I know you gotta choose the stuff you cry about or dont nobody take you serious.

You not gonna die, I say to her. I dont know if its the truth. I dont know what I’m saying no way. Mr. Z put a chair behind the door and went down on his knees too so he dont get his head blown off by being up in the window. Be quiet and stay down, he say. Jesus help us, he say. There wasnt nothing else to do anyway but hold that little crying girls hand while we listen to gun shots and then the police cars.

We wasnt no little kids no more in Mrs. Lattimore class but we was still that scared about Bullet coming up there and shooting us up. We was laughing and acting like fools. We acting like we done already died and aint got nothing to lose. The older boys running all up and down the hallway when they not sposed to.

Hey, Brian say. Get out of the hall with no hall pass.

Brian the downstairs hall monitor and cute on top of that. He stuck up and a nerd so he dont got no friends but I think he alright. He got a cute smile and a dimple on his left cheek. Dont nobody pay no attention to him in the hallway. These dummies just do what they wanna do.

One boy bust out the same door as Stephanie to get out early. He run flat past Brian and hit the door so hard we hear it all the way in Mrs. Lattimore class up on the second floor.

You gonna get writ up, Brian yell after him and we hear that too.

Fuck you, the boy yell and the whole school heard and our class say, oooohhh till Mrs. Lattimore say, shut up and sit the hell down.

I wish Dougie would come get my ass outta here, Sherrie say.

Little Chinese May Ling stayed doing her work but she the only one doing what she sposed to do. Three oclock come and some of us let out on foot like we coming straight out a haunted house.

Here we go, Jesse say to nobody looking out the window before he take off and I feel sorry for him when he get out the schools front door. He running and the older boys run too. Some cut through the grass to get where they going quicker but most everybody else walk home like we always do.

Just when it start I twist my ankle a little at Hayes and Seymour cause my foot had just got to the crosswalk and I thought I saw daddys car. He dont always pick me up so I woulda been glad that day.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

All of us in the street fell down like we was playing dodgeball. On the ground I look up and everybody I can see is running and hopped up over the fences. The shots dont seem like they coming from nowhere and we all looking around like crazy. The cars start blowing they horns cause we was laid down all over the street and they cant go nowhere. My legs is half on the sidewalk half in the street and it dont look like nobody is hit and then outta nowhere a tall skinny boy with glasses is walking by fast and stepping over all us.

Ha, he say. Yall a bunch of pussies. My balloons popped, he say.

He move his hands around in a big circle and we see the loose strings so we get up off the ground like the dummies we was. I brush my clothes and look and see Brian run down the block to get in his mommas car. He still cute running away.

Hey Tidbit, a voice say.

I look back to where I had seen daddys car and its still sitting there blue and beat down but another face is looking out at me from the drivers window. I look real hard until I see its Uncle Rick. I aint seen Uncle Rick in a long time. He baldheaded and look smaller then he was when I seen him the last time but I was real little then too. He smiling and look a lot like daddy, specially cause he in daddys car.

My big brother Steve with him.

Your momma told me to come get you so come on, Uncle Rick say. I walk over and he got the front seat full of his stuff like he just got to town so I sit in the back seat with Steve.

Uncle Rick say he taking us to the zoo cause he got some extra time and cause he a cool uncle.

Aint I a cool uncle, he say to Steve and me. We not saying nothing so he say it again.

Whatever, Steve say back like he always do. Steve got this attitude that dont let up for nothing.

Whatever, Uncle say like he had enough of Steve and his shit. What you think Tidbit, he say. You think you got a cool uncle.

I guess, I say and laugh. Is we gonna get to see the monkeys, I say.

Uncle Rick look back at me while he trying to look at the road at the same time. I see his baldhead is shiny cause it got so much sweat on it.

We get to see anything you wanna see baby girl, he say smiling.

I remember how much I use to like Uncle Rick when I was little and he was around. I wanna ask him where he been but momma always tell me Tidbit you too nosy so I dont say nothing.

Little Miss Grownpants, momma always say. Stop asking all them questions.

It seem like it take us forever to get there cause Steve sweating too and the backseat is wet and gross. I tell Uncle how its gross and Uncle say theres a whole lot in life thats gross and we gotta deal with it just the same.

Where we was really wasnt no zoo but just some place put together to look like a zoo. When I was little I didnt know no better cause it seem like it was big but now I know its just a small place and somebody with some animals they aint sposed to have. And that day is when I first knew it was sad as hell too.

We went to where the two monkeys was last cause its my favorite but there aint but one. Its a chimp and he sitting there on a little rock island by his self and got a dead look on his brown wrinkled face.

Uncle notice I look sad about it and he say, maybe he dont feel good. Steve make faces at the chimp cause we thought it might be happy to see us looking but it still dont move. That chimp had eyes that dont even blink but he not dead. His short dark fur was shaking a little and I aint never felt more sorry for nothing in my whole life.

Aint he sposed to be up in some trees, I say my fingers on the outside gate. I woulda let him outta there if I could.

I dont know, Uncle say. I think all monkeys like to be up in the trees, he say.

Cause they arms is so long, I say.

You so smart, Uncle say. Getting pretty too. You want some ice cream before we go, he say.

Yay, I say out loud like dummy and look at Steve but Steve still just being a pain in the ass like he do when he get bored. Momma say he being a teenager but I think he just mean as hell and everybody make it seem like it aint no big deal when it is.

Uncle Rick move his stuff and let me sit in the front on the way home so I aint got to deal with Steve and his sweat. Steve dont care no way and when I look back at him he got his headphones on and is looking far and away at nothing through the window.

Teenager my ass. He gonna be like that when he a hundred.

Your uncle bout to be around now Tidbit, Uncle Rick say. I hope you okay with that. Me and your daddy gotta catch up on old times, he say.

I dont know what to say so I just move my head up and down. I got a mouth full of ice cream so I cant say nothing no way.

But how you feel, he say. I hope I can take you and Steve and Travis out once in a while, he say.

Travis my little brother and I like him cause hes small like a baby and aint got no bad attitude like Steve but he still about as fun to take out as a bag of wet grass.

Travis kind of little, I say.

And Steve seem like he too old, Uncle say laughing. I laugh too.

Maybe me and you can hang out without them, he say looking over at me.

I move my head up and down again but stop when he put his hand on my knee. Aint nobody never touch my knee but momma and a doctor one time when momma had to take me when I fell off the swing at school.

Uncle Rick see me looking at his hand so he squeeze my knee and then let go.

I forgot you a big girl now, he say still smiling.

I smile back and keep on eating my ice cream. I dont know nothing then. Not nothing. I wish I did but I dont so I think instead that if there turn out to be something better then ice cream in this world I know there aint no way I can handle it.