Memories in the Stars

Ants are crawling up the tree next to me. Some are carrying little leaves, others little twigs and others nothing at all, just along for the ride. Surely they would have some sort of purpose, ants always seemed to operate on just what work needs to be done, so they were probably heading somewhere to do something important.

Unlike me, who doesn’t have that long to live.

At least that’s what the doctors tell me.

But since when are doctors right over nature?

I look around at the nature surrounding me. The tree that I’m leaning against for support where I was watching the ants. The vines have grown longer…and there seems to be more of them. More bushes, more trees are starting to sprout, currently just little buds in the ground. Squirrels are scattered about, the crunch of leaves as different forest creatures roam about somewhere nearby just out of sight. Birds are flying about, some are nesting. Some of them had become parents since the last time I’d been here.

I guess time moves on.

And time will eventually move to a completion, to an end for each of us individually, like with Mary…no.

I don’t want to follow that same path.

I don’t wanna die.

I wanna be with her again, but…I don’t wanna die.

What if she’s not there? Whatever place I will go to.

What if there’s nothing and I’m stuck by myself?

What if I just simply pass away and that’s it? No spirit, no nothing, just…dead.

No!

That means I won’t see her again.

Won’t be able to rest my head against her chest, feeling it rise and fall. Her heartbeat was so soothing, so comforting after a long day at work with all the customers, Karens and the shitty staff or management (but it was the only way for myself to make money in this economy, really). Oh my goodness, just being able to lie there and listening to her breathing as her fingers ran through my hair-

Shaking my head, I took a shaky breathe as I let the memories run through me, absorb into me, become me, stomping on my emotions as cracks started to appear more and more frequently, shattering my breath faster and faster.

I wanted to feel her again so badly. God, I hadn’t been to the beach in years cause that was her favourite place. She loved strolling along the shoreline cause she loved feeling the water washing over her feet as it washed up on shore.

But if there was nothing after death, that means she was just completely gone and I would never be with her again.

And that was too painful to think about.

I would lose all my memories of her. Just…cease to exist.

I don’t wanna die. I can’t.

But that seems to be the natural course of time. Circle of life…isn’t that a part of nature? Maybe nature’s in agreement with the doctor’s this time…maybe…but…

She always told me she’d be waiting for me in the stars. So I’d always go out at night to look at the stars, trying to find the brightest one, cause if she was a star now, she’d damn sure make sure she was nothing but the best.

Maybe that’s where she is.

Yeah.

That’s where she is.

That had to be it, there couldn’t simply be nothing. And then I could be with her again, maybe I could be a star as well…I might be a silly old fool, but it brings me peace about what’s about to happen, so…doesn’t that count for something?

Maybe it might be worthwhile after all...

But the people and memories I'll be leaving behind...

It's okay, someone else will pick them up, pick up where I left off, make new memories exactly everywhere that we did. They'll make a new life, and repeat this cycle just like they did, though hopefully they'd have a happier ending.

Someone would look after them, someone would pick up all the pieces....that meant, I can be with my beloved...cause that's where I deserve to be...that's where my happiness is...