Mara & Elaine

Her first grandchild!

Elaine's son was beaming with pride as he brought the five month old baby girl to show his mother. He didn't know exactly what her response would be. She was only forty years old and having the time of her life after her divorce, every weekend spent dancing and laughing with friends. And Michael wasn't married to the baby's mother. "Would she accept her?" he prayed that she would.

It only took one look from baby Mara for Elaine's face to dismiss all his fears. It only took one look to know that this was Michael's child, too. Elaine was "in love" and "all in," as they say at the poker tables.

It was at that very moment when Mara smiled and said, "Nonna." She had given Elaine the "grandparent name." "It has been said that the first grandchild does the naming and it's true," Elaine thought to herself. She was elated. It was a second chance at loving her own child even better, really unexplainable to her head, and only her heart truly understood.

Mara had the same funny face that Michael had at that age, and the same smile with the same blonde hair, but instead of blue eyes, Elaine saw a set of hazel eyes, much like her own. She was perfect, they all agreed.

Mara's mother had kept the baby away from Michael and Elaine at the beginning. Young, unbridled, immature passion had created this beautiful little pixie, but both parents soon afterwards, had rushed into new romance with others. Michael had even married and his wife was expecting their child. Suzette, the mother to Elaine's first grandchild, had wanted her new boyfriend to "act as the father," but that wish had sizzled away quickly.

Elaine knew that Michael was in a conundrum. But Mara was her flesh and blood, and would have a place at her table forever. "She would have to tread carefully in these waters, because Suzette was pretty fickle, as was Michael's new wife, Steph," she thought to herself. Elaine couldn't help but be a little peeved at her son and his impetuous, non-consequential nature.

As time went on, Mara and her Nonna bonded over bubble baths and Barbies. Nonna gave her those little boxes of raisins she loved so well, they went to dog parks to watch the animals and drew sidewalk art with chalk together. By that time, Elaine could tell how smart this girl was. She loved books. And she was a thinker, too. (Not to mention, Mara was terribly funny.) Elaine's heart filled with memories and spilled over with love for her granddaughter as those early years passed.

Eventually, Nonna moved out of state, but kept in touch on the regular by phone. She knew that Mara enjoyed playing softball, reading of course, and spending time with the younger sisters her mother had graced her with. On birthdays and Christmas, Mara was lavished with all the dreams that her Nonna could afford. And several visits a year were the best gifts for both of them. Mara would spend most of her summers with Nonna.

As Elaine flipped through the old photographs of that summer, she remembered the pink nail polish. There had been a wedding to attend, so she had insisted that Mara wear a dress for the event and have her hair and nails done, too. Elaine thought it might be something her grandchild would enjoy doing, but she had been wrong. Pictures do not lie. Elaine passed it off as being a "phase" that the pre-teen was going through.

Summers meant Vacation Bible School and summer softball camps. Elaine kept her busy. Nonna also made her a scrapbook of all the places they had been and all the different things they had done. By age twelve, she noticed that Mara had become a "kid magnet" to younger children in VBS. They loved her and she delighted in them. As Elaine watched the interactions, "she thought about the future when, one day, Mara would have her own children, and how blessed they would be to have her as their mother. Or maybe she might become a teacher, or both."

If there was ever a moment in time where Elaine wished she could stop the clock and have a do-over, it was that summer. In hindsight, she asked herself, "Why didn't I just see if she wanted to live with me?" Maybe she could have spared her the pain she would experience only one short year later.

At sixteen, Mara climbed out of her bedroom window to secretly meet one of her step-father's twenty-one year old co-workers. Together, they went to a motel across state lines. They were found there the next day by the law. He was charged and convicted of statutory rape and she was made to watch the ordeal in court by her mother. Mara, crying her eyes out, purportedly, was self-convicted of guilt and shame. Afterwards, her mother told Elaine what had occured.

Elaine never brought the horrifying event up to her granddaughter in visits to come. But Mara had lost some of the twinkle in her eyes. Yet another mistake Elaine believed she made with Mara.

The year Mara turned eighteen, her mother put her on a bus and sent her to Elaine. The circumstances were a bit unclear, but the girl getting off the bus was not the same one that left a short eighteen months prior. She was covered in tattoos...a very large one on her chest and her hair was cut in different angles, and the clothes she wore sloppy and over-sized. Elaine was alarmed, but not so put off that she didn't heartedly embrace her precious Mara.

Elaine did not know then and would not learn until years later, that the man who had done the tattoo artistry on Mara, had married her, too. He was the same age as Michael. Mara's husband had apparently kicked Mara out of his mother's house, where they stayed, because Mara was stealing prescription drugs from her mother-in-law. And now, Mara's stepfather refused to let her come home. And her mother, Suzette, had agreed with his decision.

So, Mara and Elaine came up with a plan. It would involve getting a new hairstyle, obtaining a General Education Diploma, then applying for college. She would also get a job. She quickly made new friends at the restaurant where she worked as a server. Her eyes began to look like the old Mara's again. She took the test for her GED and passed it on the first attempt.

Elaine celebrated her grandchild's hard work and success by getting tickets to the ballet, The Nutcracker. She wanted Mara to have that experience and magic.

A few months went by with Mara doing well. But one night Elaine was awakened by the house alarm blaring. As she went to check each room, she saw that Mara had a visitor in her bed and the window was left open. It was a girl a little older than Mara. And they looked like they had their hands in the cookie jar, per say. Elaine questioned, "why she had not knocked on the door instead?" The girl was introduced to Elaine, but wouldn't make eye contact. Elaine had suspicions, but did she really want to know the answers?

Time went by and Mara spent more and more time with her new friend. Then one day Mara told Elaine that she was her girlfriend. Shocked, but not really, Elaine explained her reasons to Mara that she was not convinced of her homosexuality. Mara had told her she was sickened by sex with men. Elaine begged her to consider therapy to discuss the events of her past before reaching a firm conclusion. She pleaded with her to understand the implications of not having children one day if that was the path she chose. But Mara was young. Soon she moved in with the girl.

Shortly, they moved out of state. The relationship ended badly and Mara ended up selling herself to get drugs. She also got a staph infection and was with other friends when they stole a car. She got six years in prison.

But Elaine always took her phone calls from jail, sent her books to read, and encouraged her. Mara got a job in the kitchen while incarcerated and took a few classes, like anger management, and some Bible studies. Then she went to several rehabs before she was paroled out.

She has now been clean and sober for over four years. She works everyday and she bought a car. Elaine told her she was proud of her and she meant it, wholeheartedly.

The first relationship that Mara had since leaving prison was with a girl who had children. They were a few months in, living together. One day, on her way to work, the girl just vanished, along with her car. She had lost control around a curve and landed in a pond, drowning. They found the car and her body the next day. Elaine prayed that Mara would not revert to drugs. And, she didn't.

The second relationship Mara had lasted almost two years and there had been an engagement ring. That girl had a child who even looked like Mara as a kid.

Now, she is in a relationship with another girl who has children. Elaine sees the pattern. Mara does not.

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Here is the pattern that Elaine sees about Mara: Mara was raised by a mother (Suzette) who said that her father (Michael) had ruined her life by getting her pregnant . So, Mara's brain tells her to right that wrong by fixing it. So she chooses women in similar situations. Mara can be the hero of their story, like she was unable to be in the life of her own mother.

Is she truly gay? Who knows and Elaine thinks it's not important to find out until Mara can come to terms with her past, and can identify the patterns she has made.

Mara thinks the solution is simple. Elaine needs to just accept the fact that she is gay and leave it like that.

Maybe they are both correct in their thinking?

**The word, apatternicity means:

1) the inability to see patterns that are real.

2) believing something isn't real when it is.

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Elaine seeks to understand Mara more by reading some of the books that Mara loves. In them, she finds these telling quotes:

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities...I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“Well—I have to say I personally have never drawn such a sharp line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as you. For me: that line is often false. The two are never disconnected. One can’t exist without the other. As long as I am acting out of love, I feel I am doing best I know how. But you—wrapped up in judgment, always regretting the past, cursing yourself, blaming yourself, asking ‘what if,’ ‘what if.’ ‘Life is cruel.’ ‘I wish I had died instead of.’ Well—think about this. What if all your actions and choices, good or bad, make no difference to God? What if the pattern is pre-set? No no—hang on—this is a question worth struggling with. What if our badness and mistakes are the very thing that set our fate and bring us round to good? What if, for some of us, we can’t get there any other way?”― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

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*References in writing this:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/patterns-the-need-for-order#causes