M Here, With My Tips For Joyful Living In 2060

Hey everyone! It's me! M. Short for M4159374. Worker for Pod 321 in the Northern California carbon sequestration pit!

Go wildcats!

I'm here today to tell you my tippiest toppest secrets to living a healthy and joyful life in the wonderful year of 2060!

Before I begin, a little about moi. I'm 32 years old. A Pisces. And I've beaten two out of the three cancers threatening my life.

Fans of my YouTube channel know I always wear a cute little heart-shaped locket around my neck. Inside is my suicide pill. :(

It's there to remind me not to look down, because down means death.

So, let's get started!

First off, exercise! I don't need to worry about that much anymore. Thanks to 12 hours a day of lugging cannisters of liquified CO2 into the depths of the Earth, I got rock hard guns! I feel the burn every day. Literally!

But not everyone's lucky enough for a dream job like mine.

I get cha. If you're chillin' your days away in a government-issue 250 sq. ft. living pod, I have some excel Lamonte ideas for you!

Do you own a chair? Try sitting down, and then getting back up. Guess what! You just exercised. Do that 1483 more times and you'll really start to feel it.

Don't have a chair? Lucky! You can get off the ground the same way. That's twice the burn for free.

Getting a little monotonous? Well, let's talk equipment.

Are there piles of rubble in your neighborhood? Of course, there are! Before I was a lean mean mining machine, I owned a cinder block. Available FOR FREE in your local pile of debris.

Let me tell you guys, the sky's the limit when you own a cinder block. You can lift it. Put it down. Toss it in the air.

I drew a face on mine and named him Phil, after my dead little brother. :(

I'd work out with Phil. Tell him my deepest darkest secrets. Go to bed clutching him to my breast so he'd never leave me.

Let me tell you, Phil and I shared quite a few great adventures and an intensely sexual attraction. And along the way, I got jacked.

No locket for me! I didn't even look at it when Phil was around. Thank you Phil. Now please... come back...

Next tip! Watch what you eat!

Most of you are probably thinking - yeah M, I watch what I eat. Watch it crawl away. :) Cause my diet is live insects.

I get cha.

And it is not easy on those government rations either, even though they give me a bountiful 1500 calories and diverse choices like okra, soybean paste, non-descript pink meat slurry and pills.

But did you know a recent study found that 63 percent of citizens are eating 120 grams MORE okra than optimal levels? What!?

These folks were falling into the routine trap. Eating the same thing in the same portions every day! Not me.

If you wanna hack your way to some dietary bliss, the trick is to change it up. Have okra and meat slurry on Monday, then get your pill rewards on Tuesday. Something different every day!

Don't mix those pills up with the one in the locket though! How easy would that be, putting that pill in there.

Hey! Be sure to also take advantage of new loosening regulations on hunting and gathering!

Are you a lucky coastal citizen? Well, guess what? It's algae gathering season, year-round! Don't forget those rubber boots, since the ocean water will chafe your skin, but once you're ready you can pick to your heart’s desire.

And yes! Algae is edible. Some algae. Other algae will kill you.

So don't eat the deadly algae. Just get the good algae.

Did someone say, 'locust fajitas!'

That's when you fry up some locusts with okra, assuming you have a heat source, and eat up! And if you're living in the monsoon regions of Alabama, all you need to do is hold a net outside and you'll have more locusts than you can eat!

And don't forget the dirt cookies!

That's right. Originally from Haiti and made mainstream by the 2038 Disney remake of Ratatouille, dirt cookies are a great way to end a meal or start it.

Just take some ordinary dirt, add water, and then lay them out in little plates to dry. Add okra for some zest!

Those were always Phil's favorite. Serious Phil, I'm pregnant with your child.

Anyway. :)

Now you're like - yeah M. I have food and exercise, but what about the constant voices of despair inside my brain. :(

You're probably thinking, day after day, going to work in the carbon sequestration pits or some other job, that it’d be better off for everyone (especially yourself) if you just ended it all. After all, every new human on the planet requires resources and leaves behind a deadly carbon footprint. Wouldn’t it just be better to let those resources go to someone smarter, stronger, better suited to the hostile world we now inhabit? You think about what your death could mean. How your friend, F252573, could marry and have that child he’s currently barred from having. Maybe, you’ve hit your 32nd birthday and you can only expect to live 5 maybe 6 more years anyway. Isn’t carrying on selfish? The world doesn’t need me. My existence is a drain on everyone around me. And I can never repay the burden that I have placed on society — Except, by finally saying goodnight. To hope that my soul can return in better times when people make the world stronger instead of destroying it, one breath at a time.

I get cha!

Let's talk about what I do to keep the hater thoughts at bay.

My biggie is affirmations. Do you own a mirror? Well give that baby a polish and say some fun uplifters to yourself. Come up with your own, or take a few of my favs:

"This will all end soon."

"Someday, I’m going to eat real meat!"

"I'm going to travel the world in an ae-ro plane."

Trees! Trees, or I should say tree, cause there's only one in my state, but the tree is a big part of my mentality. I'll wait in line for hours to enjoy a 15-minute chill sesh with the tree, just catching some sweet shade.

And let's not forget about Esports. Oh, well, lookie there.

Seems like the Internet is down.

Well, that was the last thing keeping me through. I just took the suicide pill. :(

Phil, if you're reading, remember this is largely your fault. And for everyone else, I hope learned something from this article.

This has been M! Keepin' it realzies in 2060 for my last article.

Go wildcats!