Love Bites

“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this week’s episode of Love Bites! The dating show for cannibals, by cannibals! Because we need love too! My name is Rich Richardson and I’ll be your host for the evening.”

The audience roars as Rich steps into the spotlight, looking dapper in his tailored all-black tuxedo. The light catches the peppered gray in his jet-black hair. He believes this makes him look distinguished. His wife disagrees. 

Ever the charmer, his million-watt smile is blinding. “Let’s go over the rules of the game for all of our first-time viewers. Each week the contestant gets to choose between two suitors by asking any question they’d like. Just one. Their entire fate is decided on one, single question. And I know what you’re thinking, how can someone know after one question? Well, rules are rules folks!” 

“As you know, all of our contestants are in soundproof booths. If the blue light is on, the contestant can hear everything. If the red light is on, they cannot.”

“The winner gets married right here on television, the loser gets served for dinner at the reception…” Rich pauses for laughter. That line gets them every time. 

“For the first time ever, we’ve got a repeat contestant! Studio audience, let’s give a big round of applause for… Darla!”

Cheers erupt as the spotlight moves to the first booth, the blue light flicks on. Darla, a beautiful, curvy blonde, is sitting tall in the leather smoker’s chair. A half-empty bottle of tequila sits on the table beside her. She giggles and waves.

“Thank you, Rich, I’m so happy to be here and looking for love again! This time, I know it’s going to work out, I just know it!” She giggles toward the camera, pressing her cleavage together.

“Well Darla, let’s address the elephant in the room. Please tell the studio audience what happened to Gustav. You two seemed deep (wink) in love last year!”

Her schoolgirl giggle subsides as she puts on a serious face. “Rich, you know (eyelash bat to the camera) that I’m hopelessly addicted to love. And when I fall in love, I fall in love HARD.” This time, Darla is the one winking at the camera. It’s the wrong one.

“Gustav and I were so happy! He moved into my house as soon as we got married but every day that we were together, it was getting harder and harder not to take a bite out of him. Literally! Anything to shut him up. So we took some time apart. He moved back in with his mother and while he was there, he fell in love with her neighbor, Linda, and you would NOT believe what happened Rich… he cheated on me! With her! Ugh. She’s old too. She’s the worst, she’s not even a cannibal, like what’s the point? The whole fun of getting married is fighting the urge to just eat them up.” She lets out a breath, her monologue complete. She had been practicing for weeks.

Rich gears up, “Well tell us! Since he cheated, what part did you choose?”

The audience shouts out guesses, each person trying to be heard on camera over the others. “His penis!” “His butt!” “His head!” can be overheard. 

Her smile is devilish as she leans forward in her chair. “His right hand, of course! It had brought me so much pleasure before… I wanted to enjoy it one last time.” Her hands hide her face as she plays bashful. “AND IT WAS DELICIOUS,” she shouts, fighting back laughter. 

“Settle down, settle down,” Rich calms the crowd. Turning his attention back to Darla, “Well, let’s get started then.” Her light turns red. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, meet contestant number one, Gustav!” 

The blue light turns on in the booth beside Darla’s chair, illuminating Darla’s ex-husband. The audience gasps. He grins and waves with his remaining hand. 

“Welcome to the show Gustav, tell us, why are you back?”

“Hello Rich, so nice to see you again. I want to win her back, of course!” The audience swoons. Damn romantics.

“Well, let’s see what happens, are you ready?” Gustav nods his head yes.

Darla’s light turns blue. “Darla, are you ready to meet contestant number one?”

“I am!” she chirps, sitting up taller. “Hello contestant number one, tell me about yourself.”

Gustav clears his throat, his voice distorted, “Hello Darla, you sound sexy! I’m Isaiah, an accountant from Salt Lake City and I am looking forward to getting to know you much better if you know what I mean.” He winks at the audience, they go wild. 

“Hush, hush y'all. Ok, Darla, you get one question, let’s make it count.”

“Hello Isaiah, it’s so nice to meet you. This is crazy but I’ve always wanted to travel to Salt Lake City!” He knows. 

“My one question for you is… tell me about the first time you knew you wanted to eat a person.” Another clearly practiced line. Her attempt at sexy falls just short.

Gustav grins. “I am not ashamed to admit Darla, I am addicted to love.” 

“Me too!” she interrupts.

“Wow. We’re a match already, aren’t we?” His face hurts from all of the fake smiling. This really is the only way to get back at her for what she’s done to him. He misses his good hand. Linda misses his good hand. 

“When I was eleven years old, I fell in love with a girl from math class. She was cute, with pigtails, and blonde hair, and very smart. Too smart for me, that’s for sure. She’s why I became an accountant! Anyway, I fell hard. So hard, that every moment I spent with her, I wanted to just take a bite. First of her hand, then her arm. It was all I could think about. So I asked my Great-Uncle Charlie what I should do and he told me to stop fighting the urges. Uncle Charlie was never the best at giving good advice. So I did. I bit her leg and never looked back. I’m not allowed in Canada anymore but let me tell you, it was totally worth it!” He raises an eyebrow at the crowd as they burst into laughter. Everyone knows Canadians hate cannibals. 

“Compelling story old chap!” Rich turns his attention to Darla as Gustav’s booth goes soundproof. 

“Ok Darla, what do you think? Do you want to marry this man or pass and marry the mystery second contestant?”

“Well… I too am addicted to love, I have blonde hair and love math. And it’s not like I am ever going to go to Canada. But is that enough to not meet the mystery person? I passed on the first contestant last time and look how that turned out.” She pauses for confirmation. “Plus, there’s something about him that feels familiar. That’s comforting, you know?”

“Before you make up your mind Darla, let's let the audience take a peak at contestant number two!” The lights above the booths switch Darla to red, and the darkened booth to blue.

The light in the third booth brightens on a stunning woman, mid-’30s, with dark hair, she could be an actress.

Rich is ready. “Ladies and gentlemen, meet contestant number two… Linda!”

Audible gasps from the audience.

“Wow! Just wow folks! Linda, welcome to the show!”

“Thank you, Rich, I’m happy to be here!”

“So what made you decide to join us today? Are you a cannibal? You know how this works, right? This is literally… wife or death.”

“Oh I know, Rich, I know. Of course I'm a cannibal. And Gustav couldn’t stop talking about how great Darla was after I found out he was married. When his mother told me he was going back on the show, I had to do something.” 

“But this?” 

“Yes, exactly this.”

“Ok. But how do you know she’ll pick you?”

“I don’t know. But if she doesn’t, I won’t be around to care.” She shrugs at the audience. They mummer in agreement. The logic checks out. 

“Well on with the show then! Ladies and gentlemen, studio audience, those at home. This. Is. Unprecedented. Should we show Gustav that Linda is here?”

The crowd goes wild.

“That’s a yes folks! LET’S LIGHT UP THAT BOOTH!”

The lights on Gustav’s booth illuminate, and he looks to his right. His eyes widen in horror. Luckily his booth is still soundproofed, no one can hear his screams. Coyly, Linda waves, clearly pleased. This is exactly what she wanted. 

Blood speckles the glass wall as Gustav bangs harder with his hand, trying to break out. 

Darla can hear the dull thud through her booth. 

Rich is struggling to get the audience to settle down. He can’t be heard over the shouting. 

His producer is in his earpiece, “This is too much, let’s take a break.”

The booths go dark except Darla’s as all the overhead lights turn on. The producer walks on stage. She can’t hear what he’s saying but his arms are waving wildly as if he’s trying to push the people to sit back down. 

She watches the show religiously. The producer has never gone on stage mid-show. This is perfect. Hands shaking, she takes a sip of tequila for confidence. 

“And we’re back!” Rich strides across the colorful stage with false confidence.

“Darla, ARE. YOU. READY?!”

She nods her yes once. 

“Ok, Darla, who do you choose?”

She takes a deep breath and a deeper gulp of tequila. “Rich, I have no idea what is happening out there. I choose…” She drum rolls on her bare legs, although no one can hear the sound.

“CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO!” The crowd loses their minds. Another riot. Perfect, she thinks. She’s going to be a star. Everyone will be talking about this.

“Are you sure?” 

“100% Rich.” 

“Love the confidence, Darla, it’s time to meet your match!” 

Darla opens the door to her booth and steps out. She self-consciously pulls her shiny red dress down as the number two booth door opens. Linda steps out as Darla grins. They walk toward each other, eyeing each other hungrily. Their kiss is so passionate it’s almost too much, even for public access cable. 

Gustav’s light turns on, he’s shrunken into himself in the back corner crying. He’s lost everything. 

Rich again tries to gain control. What the hell is happening?

“Ladies, ladies! Stop, stop, this is a family show!” 

They pull apart, holding hands.

“Do… do you two… wait. Darla, did you know?”

She deviously smiles to the audience. “Of course I did. But as you like to say, Rich, rules are rules.” She shrugs, “Let’s eat!”