Love Beyond the Pain

Can you imagine what it would feel like to have someone touch you and know that you love them? That feeling made you so scared that you had to try and pack it away, hide it from your heart. The feeling is seared into my brain. The first time Ethan had placed his hand on my leg, my heart knew, it called out to him. Causing my body to feel his touch like I had never felt anyone’s before. It was electric, running straight from his fingertips to my soul and then to the heat between my thighs. My brain on the other hand didn’t want anything to do with the feeling. We had been hurt too much and too often in our lives to let another person in. It felt that it could just pack it up and hide it in the corner. That’s what it tried to do anyway.

I hadn’t always been a strong, independent woman. Now that I had been out of my abusive relationship for a few months I was on my way to becoming one. I had a career, which was more than most people my age could say. Now I have my own apartment. The future though still was a mystery to me. One thing I knew was I wasn’t interested in settling down or finding a partner. I enjoyed being alone, free to do as I pleased without having to answer to anyone.

Then Ethan came along. He was charming and kind, not to mention handsome. He had a smile that could light up a room and a laugh that was infectious. Still he had the bad boy look. Always wearing a black shirt and fitted jeans. Showing off his fit body.

At first, I was hesitant to get involved with Ethan. With the disaster in my past, the emotional and sexual abuse, how could I trust anyone again. I have been trying to heal from the trauma, still I was terrified of getting close to someone again and being hurt. Ethan was patient, not forcing me to open up to him. He just listened when I needed him to talk and gave me space when I needed it. Even as I fought it, slowly but surely, I started to let him in.

The first time Ethan touched me, I felt a jolt of electricity run through my body. It was a simple touch, just a brush of his hand, but it was enough to make my heart race. I had never felt anything like it before and I was scared. Anytime I had feelings for someone they had hurt me. It wasn’t always abusive, most of the time people that would promise to stay left. I couldn’t continue to let people in. Just to have them run off when they got everything I had to give.

I tried to push Ethan away, needing to keep some distance and protect myself from getting hurt. Ethan was persistent. He didn't give,no matter what I did to make space. Without my permission I started to fall in love with him. I couldn’t shake the feeling he would hurt me. I was just waiting for him to leave. Continuously Ethan proved to be different. He was patient, understanding, and gentle when it counted. Waiting for me to open the doors and let myself love him. He just loved her, unconditionally.

I found myself opening up, sharing fears and pain with him. As he listened, more and more of my guard crumbled. Unable to endure the weight of him.

As our relationship grew stronger, so did my confidence. I started to become the independent women that had been hidden away. Take risks, not only in life but being vulnerable with Ethan. To my surprise the more I grew the more I fell in love with him.

Ethan wanted to getaway for the weekend. He had booked a cabin in the mountains. Although it had been months, I had been worried, while we spent nights together we had never been alone together for a few days. Would he change as the days went by? What if he realized he didn’t really like me? What if this caused him to leave? The questions spun as the weekend grew closer. As they packed and then drove up to the cabin things had been great. They had laughed and joked, stopping along the way at a small hole in the wall bar. I hadn’t realized that something as simple as a road trip could make me so happy. That I could enjoy being with someone so much. The feeling was unfamiliar, and nerve racking.

Ethan had not struck me as someone who enjoyed the woods. He was a city kid and it was something that she enjoyed about him. That he was always comfortable no matter who was around. A crowd of people we knew or complete strangers, neither fazed him. He amazed her that someone as social as him was just as comfortable in the quiet of the forest.

Once they had got to the cabin Ethan brought everything inside. I was amazed that he had helped pack and then unpack. Something no one had done before. Since it had been a long drive we decided to lay down and relax before cooking dinner. While laying down Ethan started to rub my back. All these months and his touch still brought the electric feeling. It was something that I had trouble explaining to him. How he made me feel.

Over the days we stayed we hiked, cooked, and went swimming in the lake. Ethan made me feel like anything was possible. There had been very few fights, mostly we were able to sit and talk about what was wrong. My worries about not being able to stay together melted away as the days went by. Even when we sat in silence it wasn’t awkward.

As we lay in bed on our last night there, Ethan wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I loved feeling his warmth, his love, and his strength.

"I love you," Ethan whispered in my ear, and I felt my heart swell with emotion.

"I love you too," I replied.

In that moment, I knew that I had finally found what I had been looking for. She had found a man who loved her for who she was, scars and all. She had found someone who made her feel safe, who made her feel loved, who made her feel like anything was possible. He was everything I never knew I wanted.