LOOK AT ME

LOOK AT ME

…I can’t; I really can’t.

(hugs) XXX (hugs) (heartbreak)

Me: “Look at me! Please, Michael, turn your head a look at me”. I begged him, although I didn’t utter a sound. I knew better.

Michael: “Megs, if only I hadn’t made that stupid promise.” He thought as he tried his best not to glance my way.

Me: “Michael. No one has to know. At least not yet.” I wanted so much to fling my arms around his neck and hold him tight.

Michael: “If only you knew how this is killing me.”

Me: “Michael, at least turn your head so I can look deep into your beautiful green eyes.”

Michael: “If I ever looked into your eyes, I’d drown. Oh Lord, help me, Megs. I just want to …. Well, even if I just held your hand, I’d be a happy guy.”

Me: “Michael,” I said as I allowed my fingers to creep along the bench where we sat.

Michael: “Please don’t. I know what you’re doing, and we can’t. We made a promise.”

Me: “Michael, please don’t pull away. No one will see if I hold your hand. I promise I’ll keep my hand under the table. No one will know.”

Michael: “I’d never be able to look at your brother again. I can’t. Please, Megs, just walk away.”

Me: “You have no idea how much I want to get up and run away, and yet, I want to stay right here near you. At least give me that much. Michael. Please.”

Michael: “Looks like the break is over. It’s a good thing, too, Megs. Another minute and I believe I would have caved and given in, and we both know we can’t.”

Me: “I’ll be here when the set is over. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait, Michael, for as long as it takes.”

Michael: “Oh crap. Megs, I’m sorry. I know my fingers brushed against yours. Forgive me. You know we can’t do this, but yet. Aw, Megs.”

Me: “Michael, do you realize you touched my hand? Was that deliberate? Oh, my God, I hope so. Please, Michael, look at me. Just once, so I’ll know.”

Michael: “I know what you’re going through, Megs. But you really need to understand. We made a promise. When we made that promise, we agreed that we understood the reason behind it. How can I break it now?”

Me: “Michael, you look so sad, just how I feel. I know you’re not looking at me, but I can see your face. You’re on stage and facing the crowd. I can see you. Can you see me in the audience? Can you feel me staring? Can you hear my heart beating?”

Michael: “Megs, you’re making it difficult for me to concentrate. I know what you want. Don’t you think I want the same thing? We can’t! We promised.”

Me: “Michael, I know we’re just, well, to our parents, we’re kids. But I’m already fifteen and you’re seventeen. You’re my brother’s best friend. I don’t care about the promise we made to him. I want to be your girl. Please, Michael. Please, look at me.”

Michael: “If there was only a way to break that stupid promise without hurting anyone or worse, have your brother’s fist pound my face! Our promise was that his friends would never date his sister, and you wouldn’t flirt with his friends. I know the reason behind it. I know you understand. You agreed.”

Me: “Michael, I can almost hear your thoughts. You’re thinking it was a stupid promise. Yes, it was and still is. But when we agreed, I don’t think either of us thought that far in the future. That far? Michael, it’s been three months since we made that decision. He was unfair to ask it. Yes, yes, I know. If I became your girl and we eventually broke up, where would his allegiance lie? With you as his best friend, or with me as his sister. I really don’t see why he can’t have both?”

Michael: “Megs, being so near to you is killing me. I’m going to have to walk away. I know you won’t. Please forgive me. Maybe someday, things will change.”

Me: “Oh, Michael. How can I love you and my brother so much without hurting either one of you? I’m sitting here watching you and my brother playing your hearts out for the simple applause of the audience while fighting the tears I know are trying their best to flood the auditorium.”

Michael: “When this night is over, I’m going to have to explain to your brother why I can’t be in his band anymore. I know he’ll understand, and probably, even agree. Oh, Megs. It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye.”

Me: “Michael, I don’t know how to say this, but you’ve really given me no option. You can’t even look at me and that overlooking me is worse than anything I ever imagined. I love you so much, I’m going to let you go. I can’t keep following you around like your shadow. It isn’t good for either of us and I know, that one day, you’ll get tired of me always being “here”, if you’re not already tired of me. I’ll just slowly stand, walk toward the back of the room, and slip out the door. I’m sorry, Michael. But I can’t put either of us through this anymore. I only ask one thing. As we mature and grow old, please, every once in a while, think of me.”

Michael: “Megs, MEGS, where are you going? Megs! Aw, Megs!”

He said those final words as I quietly slipped out the door and slowly, but sadly walked home.