Last Goodbye

We drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. It was possibly the most beautiful Airbnb we had ever been to. The house was located on top of a steep hill with miles and miles of woods surrounding the property. The snow made it look like taken straight out of a fairy tale.

The dogs could sense we were almost there so they started getting excited, so the cats began to meow loudly. The surroundings were absolutely stunning. Vermont in winter was as beautiful as we thought it would be. It was getting late and usually, I would’ve been a bit creeped out but not today. I just felt peace knowing we were in the middle of nowhere and I was about to see the love of my life again.

The Last Goodbye was a concept that God came up with about a few years ago when he realized that sometimes suddenly taking loved ones away from people was too much pain to go through for many. He decided that the ones who died a sudden death and had unfinished business on earth could come back for one last night to say goodbye to their partners or families. Since then, every year on December 24th the living and the ones who died earlier that year could reconnect for that one last time.

The rules were simple. One, no asking about the afterlife. Two, we had time from dusk to dawn. Three, the outside world could never know.

I chose this cabin for our Last Goodbye because I knew we’d always wanted to go to an A-frame in Vermont. I knew it was right up your alley. Loads of snow, super secluded, perfect for the beginning of a good horror story. I was a bit anxious though. I wanted everything to be perfect. I knew that bringing the dogs and the cats wasn’t the most practical idea but you were their dad. They deserved to get a chance to say goodbye too. Also, I was ready to give up everything just to see you greet them one more time.

I parked in front of the cabin and bundled up. If not for meeting you, this would be my worst nightmare. I HATE winter and bringing all those pets all the way from Virginia was quite an adventure. It didn’t matter though. They needed to see you just as much as I did.

I brought the cats in first, then I let the dogs pee, put them in one of the bedrooms, and started unpacking the car. I had about an hour and a half before it would start getting dark. I hooked up my phone to a speaker and started playing your playlist. Chocolate by The 1975 filled up the room and I did my best not to start crying as usual when I listen to this stupid playlist. There was no reason for me to cry that day. I was about to see you. I was about to touch you. There was absolutely no time for me to cry.

So I let the dogs out, lit up the candles, and started frying your favorite gnocchi with pesto. I opened a bottle of wine and took a big sip without bothering to pour it into the glass. I took another one, stirred the gnocchi in the pan, and looked over your favorite snacks I brought with me that night. I had sour patch gummies, Red Vines, Lenny & Larry’s oatmeal cookies, Kinder Bueno, and Tony’s chocolate bar. When the gnocchi turned all nice and crispy I put it into two separate bowls. I poured the Whole Foods lemonade you loved so much into a glass, sat on the couch, and waited.

I don’t know what I was expecting but suddenly you just appeared next to me on the couch almost giving me a heart attack. It made me think, has anyone ever died during the Last Goodbye? You looked as handsome as always with your light chocolate skin, big brown eyes, amazing full lips, and curly hair, longer than I remembered but the way I always liked it.

“Hi,” you said and I completely lost it.

I threw myself at you crying and hugging you so tightly I would have broken your ribs if you weren’t dead already. I couldn’t speak. I had so much to say, I thought about what I should say for days, for months but at that very moment, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. I was touching my soulmate and I couldn’t mess it up with words.

We sat like that for a few minutes, just hugging each other in silence. At some point, everyone else came to greet you and you tried to greet them too but I wouldn’t let you go. You just kept on saying

“hi, hi, hi” to Mila and Morty who were throwing themselves at you.

Emmie and Luna sat in the corner looking at you like they saw a ghost (which they kind of did) and I just couldn’t stop hugging you. At that moment I realized this was a terrible idea. This was going to hurt just as bad as losing you for the first time. Maybe even more. I still had no idea what to say so I blurted out

“I made you gnocchi,”

and you smiled. I climbed off you and went to the kitchen. I brought two bowls of fried gnocchi and sprinkled some parmesan cheese on top of it. We started eating in silence. Still speechless I just kept on staring at you desperately trying to take mental photos of your face, your hands, your whole body. The dogs curled up at our legs just as usual waiting for us to drop some food. I watched you casually dropping two little pieces of gnocchi pretending you don’t see me looking at you. I couldn’t believe how normal this felt. Like nothing has changed. Like you never left.

But you did, and I had so much to say to you. I wanted to apologize and beg for your forgiveness. I wanted to tell you I should’ve never let you buy that motorcycle. I should’ve never allowed you to get on it that day. I shouldn’t have asked you to take it instead of the car because I had plans. I should’ve stopped you instead of being mad at you for not walking the dogs that morning. I had so many regrets but it didn’t matter. That was an issue. Nothing you could say to me would ever heal that wound in me, so instead, I smiled and asked:

“Is it good?”

“The best meal I’ve ever had in my life” you replied the way you usually did.

“It’s gnocchi, Drew. It’s not that complicated.” I rolled my eyes.

“I love you,” you said and tears fell down my cheeks again.

“I know. I love you too. Can we watch Ink Master now?”

You laughed and nodded. I got up to get my laptop and then started the show. I didn’t care we finished the third to the last episode. We were watching the whole thing again, period. It’s been two months since we were forced to stop watching it together and I couldn’t bring myself to watch it on my own. I needed a reminder and also a reason to be silent in your arms for hours. I knew if we started talking I’d mess everything up. I’d start apologizing, crying, begging for you to stay and I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. I knew you probably would tell me it wasn’t my fault and you would also say that you couldn’t stay. That’s why, I just started the first episode of the last season, dimmed the lights, and curled up in your arms.

Before I knew it we were commenting and laughing the way we used to. We were eating all the snacks I brought and it was simply the best time ever, as always. I was mad that some of those people should’ve never been on that season in the first place and you would shrug your shoulders saying

“She’s hot.”

Finally after hours of laughing and your not-so-professional tattoo critiquing we got to the episode we didn’t get to watch together. This one felt different but we still tried to joke here and there. Then Anthony went home and I couldn't get over it. Then Angel went home and you couldn't get over it because she was "your girl”. In the end, DJ won and we both agreed he freaking deserved it. The last episode ended and we were left in silence, just the two of us, with the dogs on our both sides and the cats nearby. I was still in your arms. We probably had about a couple of hours left.

“You wanna take the dogs out?” you asked.

“Yeah…” I said with my heart heavy. I knew that just like the show, that night was coming to an end and I didn't like it.

We took them out into the snow and Mila loved it, Morty hated it. Mila was eating snow and running around like a little snow monster while Morty was hugging our legs expecting butt scratches, hugs, and words of consolation. I felt him. Finally, we went back inside and sat on the couch again. I moved onto your lap, facing you, and wrapped my legs around your waist. I pushed my hips towards you and kissed you.

The kiss was gentle and slow. I started playing with your tongue and then let it go. Then you started playing with mine. We did it over and over again. It felt so good that it hurt. My hips kept on inching closer and closer to yours. I forgot how it felt. To want. To be wanted. To love. To be loved. It had been two months since I felt like that. Since I felt anything but pain and misery. It had been two months since I felt alive.

I put my head on your shoulder and just kept my body still. I hoped that maybe if I just stayed wrapped around you, maybe you wouldn’t go away. Maybe you’d stay with me in this cabin forever.

“Let’s go to bed,” you said and I didn’t want to because I was petrified of falling asleep.

“Okay,” I said because I had no power in me to say “no” to you.

We laid down in that lovely spacious bedroom that felt warm and cozy but I couldn’t stop shivering. With every minute I’d shake more and more trying to stop the tears. You spooned me and held me tight. I just laid there for a few minutes before I said:

“I’m sorry.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. I don’t regret anything."

“I do," I said with my voice breaking.

“Don’t. I love you and that’s what matters. I’ll always be with you," you assured.

“It doesn't count," I replied because I was tired of everyone thinking 'being with me in spirit' was enough. It wasn’t. I didn’t want to get mad at him and mess everything up but I was so mad he was leaving me again.

“I’ll see you soon, I promise,” you said and I just couldn’t let it go.

“Not soon enough." Tears were dripping off my face, getting my shirt wet.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair. I know I promised to be safe and then it didn’t work out. But I promise you’re not alone. I love you and I’ll always be there for you."

“Fuck that,” I said knowing I was being stupid, wasting my time fighting but I couldn’t help it. You always said you had to be careful so you never left the dogs and I alone and here we go again, you were leaving us. Leaving me.

You grabbed my face and looked me in the eyes, not letting me look away.

“I love you."

I started shaking my head but finally, I just said:

“I miss you so much it hurts."

“I know,” you said quietly, let my face go, and hugged me.

We laid together for another hour before I started falling asleep. I remember mumbling a sleepy

“I love you,”

before completely drifting away. I think I remember feeling a kiss on my forehead and a quiet

“Kocham Cie,"

which is “I love you” in Polish, my native language. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel anxious about going to sleep. I felt safe. The way I used to fall asleep every night. I felt your arms around me all that time and I secretly hoped I’d never wake up.

I did, though. The moment I opened my eyes a familiar feeling of sadness and frustration came over me. I wish I could say our Last Goodbye made me feel better. The truth is, while I was thankful for that last night together, I felt even more hopeless than before. You left me, again. This time we got to do it “the right way” but it didn’t really change anything. You were still gone and I was still stuck in the world, completely alone. This time with nothing to look forward to. No Another Last Goodbye. It was just me and the pets. In this secluded cabin in Vermont. Funny, there were days when I’d be absolutely petrified of staying there by myself but when the love of your life dies, there’s really nothing worse that could happen to you. Creepy serial killers? Come at me. I had nothing more to lose.

It took me over an hour to get up but I knew that the world kept spinning and the dogs had to pee. I let them out, fed everyone, and leaned over the counter. I looked down and saw a little posted note. It said:

“I miss you too.

- Drew”

For the next few days, I cried my eyes out with breaks for walking the dogs and cursing the damn snow. I was supposed to stay here for the weekend only but I extended my stay so I could take some time to grieve. I knew at some point I had to come back to reality but I was in no rush. I wrote letter after letter to the guy who used to be my everything before he left me with nothing. I could barely eat and when I did a small portion would fill me up for a whole day. By the time the clock struck midnight and the New Year started I had 100 pages of love letters, poems, and personal notes we wrote to each other. All in one google document titled “Drew, unspoken love”. All the things I wanted to say but I couldn’t. All the love we shared on paper over the 4 years we knew each other. I didn’t know if it was a book or just proof of my madness. I didn’t know anything.

I cleaned up the Airbnb. Packed up the car. Put the cats in their carrier and the dogs in the back seat. I turned around and took a look at the cabin for the last time. It was really beautiful but I knew I’d never be back. I took a deep breath in and then out. There was nothing else to do. It was time to come back to reality. I got into the car and started driving back to civilization. With your playlist on and the warm sunlight shining through the windows, I could swear I felt you right next to me, all the way home.