One last gift

I’m sitting on our couch looking at the package. It’s a midsized box, not too heavy but not too light. When I heard a loud noise outside of our front door the last thing I expected to see was a drone dropping it off at our doorstep. Before I could make anything of it, the drone was gone. It flew away like some kind of a bird. There’s no sender’s address. Weird… I picked up the box, brought it to the couch, and now I’m just sitting, staring at it.

Lately, mail has been probably a bit more exciting than it should be for me. I work from home Monday to Friday. I walk the dogs 4 times a day. I cry in between. Getting the mail has been one of the very few sources of excitement in my life. I never know what I’ll get. A sympathy card? Another letter from the donors organization? Most of the time I just wish someone had sent me some money.

And there it is. A new exciting delivery. First of all, I’ve never had anything delivered by a drone. Is that a thing now? I’ve seen some little robots going around delivering stuff in the Old Town but never around here. And never a drone. Is that even safe?!

I always loved receiving packages but within the last month, it’s become more than that. I know it’s stupid because you died so quickly, you obviously didn’t plan to send me a secret love letter or anything like that but part of me is still hoping one day I will receive something from you. A letter from heaven maybe? A late birthday gift you forgot you ordered for me? Anything coming from or for you would make these horrible days filled with misery better than what they are now.

The package is here, still standing on the table. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to open it. It’s probably not even from you. I bet it’s just another sympathy basket. Why does it feel different, though?

I’m crazy, right? I mean, only a crazy person is waiting for a package from her dead husband. Why do I do it to myself? Why am I always hoping for a miracle? Life has definitely not been a miracle lately. It’s been very far from that. Why am I still hoping?

I go to the kitchen all frustrated and grab a knife. I come back to the couch but I’m still hesitant to open it. What if it is from you? What if it’s not? Not knowing is killing me but the issue is that when I open it, I’ll know. And I’m scared to know because if it’s not from you, the disappointment will crush me and my heart might just break all over again as it did a month ago. I play with the knife between my fingers…

I know you were never a planner, you never thought about getting me anything exciting or mysterious. I always said you were everything but thoughtful. I love you but you just didn’t know how to surprise me. That’s okay, I never complained. Well, I did, actually I complained a lot but that’s not the point. The point is that there’s about a 99% chance that this package is not from you but if it is, it could be your last gift to me and I just really need something good like this to happen.

I accidentally drop the knife right next to my feet. I pick it up and put it on the table. I change my mind. I grab it and slowly cut the tape. The tape is gone but I still don’t open the box. I prepare myself for disappointment like every other time I open the mailbox. Knowing that you loved me more than everything but you would never come up with sending me anything right before your death. Not because you didn’t care enough but because your love was simple and came in your words and touch, not presents. I was the one with crazy ideas.

I open one side of the box, then another. I breathe slowly, maybe I don’t breathe at all. I look at the brochures and catalogs and I don’t understand what I’m seeing. Palm trees, ocean, beach… the Turtle Bay hotel in O’ahu. I don’t understand. Why would I be getting a package from there? I see a white envelope included in the box so I grab it, still carefully, and open it with my hands shaking.

“Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dearing,

Thank you for choosing our hotel to celebrate your 5th anniversary with us! We will be delighted to greet you on October 25th, 2024, and host your vow renewal the next day at the beach. Please look over the materials we have sent you to decide on the decorations and food you’d like us to prepare for your celebration. You have time until October 11th to confirm the number of guests attending.

Please don’t hesitate to call with any questions. We are looking forward to greeting you at the Turtle Bay Resort, here in O’ahu.

Sincerely,

The Turtle Bay Team”

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The Turtle Bay Resort… we sneaked in there and used their pool during our honeymoon. It was such a good day. It was cloudy and rainy but we just hung out and you were preventing me from PDA in front of the kids who were also in the pool.

We always wanted to come back and actually stay there. I always said I wanted to renew our vows when we hit the 5-year mark since our wedding got canceled due to COVID. I always said you were supposed to know I wanted a real wedding and you never made it up to me… and now you did. And now it’s too late.

How does one do something so ultimately amazing and dies before he gets to tell his wife? How does one not get to live to his 5th wedding anniversary? Of course, I’m crying again. I stare at the package with all the brochures portraying inappropriately happy people. A couple under the flower altar and another couple having a sunset make-out session.

There was a 1% chance that this package was from you and it turns out it kind of was. At the same time, it did break my heart all over again. The amount of complaining I did because we never got to have that big “proper” wedding is embarrassing. Then you do something like this and you don’t even get to hear a “thank you” or “I love you”. You don’t get to hear “I’m sorry either”. I’m sorry for complaining, I’m sorry for thinking you were not thoughtful enough. I’m sorry for making you feel like a Hawaii wedding was the only way to make me happy.

I put the package away and think about how I’m going to call them and tell them the big celebration is canceled because my 29-year-old husband died right after making this booking. I’ve already heard so many “I’m so sorry for your loss” this month that I’m not sure if I can handle another one.

Or should I go? Should I invite our family and just go? Use the last gift my husband will ever get for me? Would that be inappropriate? Lately, everything seems to be inappropriate…

Tears are still running down my cheeks but I pick up my phone and text my mother-in-law.

"I guess we’re going to Hawaii…"