La Dragontea Sees You

Chapter 1: Striking the Clock Tower

"Why is everyone neurodivergent now?" I hear people ask as I walk through the grocery store. Yes, what an epidemic. All these people figuring out that they are either ADHD, OCD, Autistic, or a combination of all. This is now finally a time people are stepping forward. There was really never a safe time before for these people to come out to the neurotypicals as such. You try to tell them and they just say, "I get nervous sometimes too." That's not constant anxiety, just sometimes.

I start feeling overwhelmed in the store as I finally wrap up with my groceries in the bag and am excited to head out of the door. As a neurodivergent woman, I always feel as if I am in a sea of fire breathing dragons breathing down at me, while I am jut a little lizard trying to blend in to my surroundings to skate by and not get caught as something strange.

My blending in is terrible, though. I try to mask and it doesn't work too well. I start looking like a robot on auto mode instead of a real person with real feelings. "You are so quirky, Fiona," I can hear them say in my head. Yeah quirky, sure. More like a ship out to sail hiding in the dark trying not to get caught, but the constant lighting strikes give away who I really am while the fire breathing dragons catch up on me. Just like in the poem La Dragontea, but at least in that story the Spanish were on their own turf looking out for the English to find. This turf is never ours.

My life feels like it is being misunderstood for who I really am and of course told that I am capable of more than I show to be. Every time asking for a ride because of how much driving stresses me out, I get called a brat for asking. Do it yourself. When I ask for help in navigating a situation, I am blown up on while being told that I should already know how. I am treated like a child who knows nothing, but yet whose brain sets sail to see more than regular brains. I am autistic.

"There is no cure actually, it is just how my brain is wired," I will say as others start screaming there is a cure. No way, masking is what I do. That doses not mean I am cured. It means I am trying to blend in as well as I can to get by, and then burn out hard later when I am finally allowed to go home and be myself. It means doing anything by myself is difficult when I don't have a safety person with me for help.

Welcome to America where you can be whoever you really want to be, but not exactly because we have created a social culture and hierarchy that completely wipes that from existence. You must abide. A modern world where it is harder to come by jobs you can participate in without having to work around group dynamics and office politics. Where if everyone is against you, you are the problem instead of the group.

I live in Rome, Georgia near the clock tower that is always ticking, constantly reminding me of the time that has gone by. Each passing moment one where I live the same as others who are happy with their circumstances, while I have to struggle to find the best way to survive. Even if the tower is struck by lightning, time still stays. I found a job at a bookstore, which is the closest way to keep me happy. I have to work, but at least it is surrounded by a special interest that I love. The books help to calm me. Barnes and Noble might keep on to knock this store out of business some day too, just like many other bookstores. I am hoping the city is big enough to keep this coffee shop and bookstore combination called Lacy's.

A writer's group comes to the store every week to share their thoughts. I like to sit and listen. One day when someone had an idea for a fantasy story, I came to give them advise. The advise I gave was apparently not taken well. "When you criticize someone's work you have to go about it a certain way," my boss, Lacy explained to me.

"I thought I was helping," I replied. It seemed to easy to step on other people's toes, but when it came to my feelings no one really cared. They just would say whatever that seemed way worse than anything I have ever said to anyone that I have gotten scolded for. I realize now it is because they see me as lowly and not exactly like them. I am just an animal and not a real human in their eyes. The only people like me that are respected are the ones that became famous off of their art or invented something.

It seems like people like me are either at the very top or bottom and there is no in between, or is that my black and white thinking talking. Yes, it always seems as if everything is either all good or all bad with no in between. No sense of constant relaxation in the mind and anxiety always running at full speed. It many times feels isolating until I come across people who are like me. Someone comes into the store and tells me that they don't like the feeling of denim pants on their legs and I weigh out if I should mention or ask them about themselves.

"Are you autistic? I was just wondering because I am and you made some mentions that sounded this way. Like hating driving and needing your safety games like puzzles?" I ask holding in my breath.

"Yeah, great. It will be nice being able to talk to someone who shares the same experience," the customer replies. It is a man who seems to be in his twenties like me.

"What's your name?" I wonder.

"Jared," he replies back, smiling after he finishes his book purchase. A mystery novel with cats on the cover.

"You like cats?" I ask.

"Yeah, I have a few. Alfie, Flash, and Pepper," he grinned with glowing eyes that seemed like a mix between green and yellow.

"You have the eyes of a cat," I blurt and then blushed, hoping it didn't sound like an insult to him.

"Yeah and yours are a lovely golden color," he replied as I sighed in relief of him understanding that I meant well.

"Well, you should come see them some time. Of course we could start with an outing though. Maybe coffee... somewhere different. I bet you drink the coffee here all the time," he scanned the cute shop.

"Oh, but yet I never tire of this place. It is a great comfort zone," I reply, "We can definitely go somewhere different though."

"Hey, if you like it here let me come back when your shift is done and we can drink here too," he nodded.

"For sure, come back at four," I replied and smiled, "So what do you do for a living?" I wondered.

"A machine tester," he replied.

"Oh, nice," I nod.

"Well, see you at four then, I was getting a book to read on my lunch break, time to dive in," he gestured to the book and left as I waited for him to come in again later.

"Wow, a date right here in the store where I can stare at you too," my Lacy giggled, "Just kidding, I just won't listen to the whole thing."

"At least you admit that you aren't going to not listen in," I roll my eyes and get ready to make the coffee for 4. I stare at the cups after putting cream in mine and wonder as he walked into the door. I turn around and ask, "So black or no?"

"A drop of cream is fine," he replies and takes a seat while I hand him the cup and sit across from him.

"So do you date many people in this shop?" he asks while taking a sip. He pushes his long hair from his face. He is in all black and has a feminine flair to his masculine ways. A great in-between for someone who probably doesn't believe in complete gender conformation.

"No, I don't date much in general. Stressful. People expect more from me," I let down my medium length brown hair that was tied up.

"I get that. So tell me about family and friends you have," he wondered.

"Well I have no family really because mine was always upset that I wasn't 'enough' so they kind of neglected me and I guess my only friend for real is my boss here, Lacy is helpful and kind to me. Glad I met her in person to get this job, applying online can be so uncomfortable."

"That is sad about your family. I am lucky to have one that loves me and same with the friends. Wonderful that you got this great job. I talk to people at work but don't really have a strong connection with them outside of that."

"Right, well I guess you have your cats. Should go see them soon."

"Oh so I make you feel comfortable enough for you to want to come over?" he finishes his coffee and stands. I put our mess away, wipe the table, and we head out. We go over to his apartment and I come in to see the lovely furry cats purring and meowing at me.

"They are so cute!" I squeal and pet them.

"Well glad you like them, we should go out to dinner," he suggested.

"Sure, sounds good. Need more than just coffee now," I agreed. We head out and find a restaurant that is supposed to have really nice teriyaki chicken. The food was wonderful and I took a selfie with Jared to remember the night. I debated in my head to post it on social media or not, but figured it was fine. Something about Jared made me feel happy and safe, so I just went for it.

"We need to do that again some time," he suggested as we exchanged numbers.

"Yeah, for sure," I agreed as we ended the night and I was escorted back to my apartment.

The next day I woke up to go to work and saw a comment appear on my phone that said, "You date Fiona? Who is this?" It creeped me out so I deleted the comment and instantly regretted posting Jared. "Is social media more fun for neurotypical people or is it all just a giant pool of crap?" I wondered at Lacy the next day while she was restocking some of the shelves.

"Social media can be instantly great or terrible really, but yeah it can be where it is easier to have access to bully someone, but also easier to hide," she shrugged and looked into the coffee cabinet, "Got to make a coffee run now, we are almost out of grounds, plus I am really craving a caramel macchiato from Starbucks," Lacy grabbed her keys.

"We have coffee here all day and you need the Starbucks," I shook my head.

"There is just something about a Starbucks, girl! I will bring you one!" she left and I stood there while the customers flowed in. It always made me a bit more nervous being there by myself because it meant Lacy wasn't there for extra support. You are nothing without other people and yet other people hate you, the voice in my head screamed loud. No, bad thoughts are not for right now, I will do that later when I get home. I looked at my phone to see a message from Jared.

Hey, you should come meet my parents tonight!

Already?

Impressing people's parents is not my forte.

Don't worry, they will love you. Don't have to but just wanted you to have some family.

Sure, let me know when.

I set the phone down and think well here it goes. Meeting people's family where I feel like an awkward mouse who only squeaks out some answers when spoken to. Maybe they could make me feel as comfortable as Jared? Maybe good will come of this.