Keep Laughing, Even When You're Sad

I have a headache. One of those you just wake up with. The one that stays in the back of your head throughout the day. It almost feels like that annoying voice you’ve become too familiar with. So familiar with that you barely notice it. I guess that’s how we learn to cope with it. How we accept to live in pain.

I have to go to work. Where are my AirPods? People keep staring at me. Is there something wrong with me? I find myself normal, physically speaking, alien, in everything else.

Why do you find yourself to be strange?

When I was a child. I was very shy. I still am shy. So I supposed that I still am a child too. No matter what I tried, I never felt welcomed. Being unable to connect with others meant that I’d have to stay by myself. I had nothing else to do but to observe. Observe others. Observe the world. I found comfort by retracting. And from this cold and lonely place, I saw what others couldn’t, because they were too busy being distracted by superficialities.

People are running around this morning. Like every morning. I need some coffee. At least the owner of this place is nice. Her parents left her this cafe. She had to become an adult quickly. Great. The perfect spot. To people watch. Oh. They look even more depressed with all these brands that promised them a godly experience. Are Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Apple all scammers?

Are you saying that feeling rejected by society was a good thing?

When you’re alone, and you realize that you can’t escape from this pain that slowly eats you from the inside—observation is how you cope with it. You pay more attention. You see the devil in the details. People are distracted by their senses. The chains of pleasure and pain turn our existence into a penitence. And the best part? We don’t even see it.

Do you enjoy your coffee? Hum, yeah, it’s great, thank you. Alright. I’ll be there in case you need anything. She has beautiful fingers. Hum, okay. Oh look. It's that guy. I see him every day. We never spoke to each other and yet I feel some sympathy for him. I don't know. It's the kind of weird thing that happens. You see people regularly, you recognize them and even if you never truly spoke to each other—you just feel like you know them.

He loves donuts. That’s a lot of sugar in this creamy coffee. A need for comfort? Maybe... Wait, he's going back. I think I'll follow him. Maybe it'll confirm my suspicion. Let's see. Oh. He's working for them. They recently got rich. They're known here. The husband acts like a tyrant and the wife, well, worse.

Come on guys! I told you that they'll be here soon. Check that the security is all good. You know how paranoid they are. They think every damn thing is a thief! Put yourself in position. Everything must be perfect otherwise you'll lose me, and your jobs! Damn phone. H-h-h-hello, good morning mad-a-m. Of course, he-he-he, uhm, no mosquitos in this place madam. Oh no, I wouldn’t dare! My excuses madam. Yes, of course madam...

He's sweating a lot all of the sudden. If he takes a shower on top of it, that’ll be a lot of water being wasted. Not good for global warming.

The wife had humble beginnings. Full of dreams. And beautiful. Unfortunately, her naivete was torn apart in the face of those experiences that crush you to your soul. After that. The only fuel that keeps you moving is revenge. And as the saying goes, you eat it cold. At least—not for her throat. Nights are drowned in alcohol. An attempt to repress it all. But anger is a stubborn beast. It spurts out like a volcano during daytime, as if resentful for having been denied its existence during the night. And of course, darkness consumes beauty. And no cosmetics can bring peace.

You seem to be very sure about what you say. You're confident in your worldview. I’ve observed a lot. I notice patterns. And the more I do, the sadder life looks like. We’re all hurting each other because deep inside, we’re hurt too. I try to remove as much emotionality as I can from my observation. That’s how I become wiser. Are you implying that wisdom means coldness? Did you hear what I said? What are you staring at anyway? You’ve been looking through that window for a while now. I’m just thinking about your question while looking at that cafe. I never understood how that girl went through so much, and yet, remains so joyous.

Of course madam. Guys! Get me those creepy homeless people out of the damn gates! Hey! Who's that guy looking through there?! Fire him out of here! Now!

A stressful existence. My suspicion has been confirmed. Shit. He spotted me. I must run out of here. Even the nicest of people turn into the worst possible monsters when in fear. Just like this body that follows its instincts, running by itself. But the mind is thinking. Thinking about the animal hierarchy. It dominates our lives to this very day. Human beings that have the same potential as other human beings, wasting their lives for a few coins—and a lot of misery.

Yes. What do you mean by yes? Wisdom is coldness. You must be cold to see what others can’t. Innocence is always torn apart by the harsh truths of life. Emotions and our so-called natural drives make us stupid, biased, prejudiced. It’s impossible to reason as long as we’re tied to these unconscious distorted ways of thinking. When I look at the world as it is right now. I don’t see happiness. I see misery. We can keep fooling ourselves. We can keep shopping, distract ourselves with TV shows, and pretend everything’s just fine. We can beg others not to leave us alone and call it love. We can try all we can to run away from the inherent loneliness of this world—we come alone, and die alone after all—but nothing will change the facts. Things are wrong. We are wrong. We just don’t want to look at it.

I find him cute. Really? Everyone thinks he’s weird. He never talks to anyone. Always staring at people like a creep. You’re just being overly dramatical as always. Here, watch me. Hey! How’s your coffee today? Need anything else? Hum, no thank you. The coffee’s great. Alright, hum, so, I’ll be there as always. If you need anything else, just, let me know. Okay. See, I told you. He’s weird. Never mind.

Someone talked to me today. I mean, someone other than you. Well, that’s good news. Not that I prefer her to you. Oh wow, and it's a "her". But it won’t change a thing between us, you’ve always been the only person in my life. I want you to be happy; now, shall we continue our discussion? Sure, I just wanted to share the news with you. The last time we conversed, I noticed anger in your words . You found the world to be "wrong". And you called that "wisdom". Am I correct? Yes you are. Of course I’m angry. Do you think that I like to see people settle for a life of misery? No one will listen though. It’s for their own good that I sacrifice my life. That I live in the dark, in territories people never dare to cross. I owe this to the world. Seeing the facts requires you to be cold, realistic. And to bear that pain, to keep going despite its excruciating presence, is wisdom. I can’t allow myself any form of distraction. I’ve seen too much of humanity’s darkness to trust people. Everyone is nice when it suits their agenda. And anyone, even your closest relatives, can shoot you in the back. Believe me. I’ve seen it happen over and over again.

What if by overusing your mind, you closed your heart? And what if wisdom, is not about closing yourself to life but the actual opposite, opening yourself to it? My heart? I don't think I have one anymore. Usually, I let you do the talking but now, just listen. What if you’ve become too sure about your worldview? What if you built an identity out of it? What if your idealism about how things should be created a limited perspective, one that reveals its 'childishness' whenever you get angry? Childish?! I'm angry because many things are wrong. Sure, I don’t deny the fact that many things are indeed wrong. Then how are you not angry?

How can we see what's happening in the world and not see the wrongness of it all? Every. Damn. Day. The news are filled with rape, wars, crimes of all sorts. Racism, division, social status. People keep living in fear. They're burned out. We're all drained from our vitality, instant by instant. We find more pleasure in the pain of our pursuit then in the prize. We're addicted to suffering, to hurting each other. Isn't this wrong? I can't live with this. I can't sleep with this.

The difference between you and me is that I see those unfortunate things happening but I don't judge them. I see them as facts. How? What do you mean? I don't have a preconceived view of the world, while you do, and you're attached to it. You've been accustomed to noting all the wrongness of the world, so much so that without this wrongness, you're no one anymore. When we have a view of how things should be, it collides with how things actually are. That's when problems are created. Some people are ‘evil’; rape, world hunger, mass manipulation and all those ‘bad’ things do exist—I’ve accepted the fact of it, but you didn’t. You have a personal investment in them. A problem can only exist if we have a personal investment in a situation. When we don’t, it ceases to be a problem—it’s just a fact. So, you’re saying that nothing’s wrong with the world?

Yesterday’s conversation got me confused. At least the sky’s blue today. The forest is inviting. But I'm not sure about anything since yesterday. It's a strange feeling. I don't know whether or not I should be happy about it. Familiarity always creates attachment, even to discomfort. I wonder if prisoners feel this confused once freed. The branches are dancing with the wind. The breeze is soothing. Those birds seem to have an important conversation. What are these people doing so deep in the forest? They’re in love, I can see it in how they look at each other. This look. I wonder how it feels. To be loved, and wanted, so intensely by someone. Kids? When I grow up, I want to be a doctor! I want to be a soldier! I want to go to the Moon! Look! A butterfly! Let’s follow it! Yay! That butterfly is so beautiful. How can such a vulnerable being feel so assertive. There’s something about those clouds too. What is it? Why do I feel entranced by them? They don’t move. Yet, majesty emanates out of them. Could I have been wrong in my assumptions? Why do I feel like, paying my respects to this flower? What brings tears out of my eyes by simply looking at it? What is this feeling? I feel, filled.

Sometimes I want to see this world explode, because the people that complain about it are the very ones that put it in such a bad shape. Yet, sometimes too, I can’t help but feel tremendous love for all life. I guess that I chose to ignore this part of me because it made things more complicated. Yet I can’t continue this way. I don’t feel fine like this. I need help. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I wasn’t so right after all. Maybe. My heart too, has something to say.

We often make the mistake of looking at the present through the lenses of the past. A certain event happens, and we assume that things will always behave the same way. So we keep painting life with expectations. We do this because we crave a sense of security. We believe that through assumptions, we won’t be surprised, that we’ll always be safe. What we don’t realize in living this way is that we put ourselves in a tough spot. No matter what our statistics are, the events that changed the world throughout our history have always taken us by surprise.

I tried to run away from my fears. How interesting. I didn’t want to feel rejected anymore. So I developed my mind, I turned it into a refined machine that analyzes with such prowess—all of this—just to avoid pain. If I believe that I’m so knowledgeable because I have a library of past observations. Then I’m in for a big surprise. This thing we call life, it’s alive. The butterfly is alive. The clouds are alive. These kids were alive. We say something is alive when it moves, and we say it's dead when it doesn't. Life is movement. Life can’t be seen through the lenses of the past, of what’s dead. No, I can't know. I don't. I can’t know. How could I?

The world is unhappy. Not because it doesn’t know enough but because it knows too much. And because it takes great pride in accumulating so much. People’s heads have become so heavy that their spines are bending. I hardly come across someone with a straight back nowadays. Yet, I don’t see things as being wrong. I respect them as having their own rights—some people call it 'free will', and we're all given this same gift of choice.

Through all this, I’ve tried to hide my pain. Through my mental busyness, I tried to escape from my feelings. And living this way, I completely misinterpreted everything. I now realize that I never knew anything. I just hid under complex observations. I didn’t want to confront all this pain. Yet it's here. I can feel it. What should I do with it? Why do I want to cry? It’s okay, let your tears come out. Oh my God. I’m here for you, you were never alone, I’ll always be here for you. Let it out. It's fine. I'm here. That's how we grow up.

I told you he’s weird. Why is he crying so loudly? Well, he may have a reason. Plus, why are you listening to people’s stuff? We have enough customers to worry about!

Would you like to hear the latest 'breaking news'? Life’s not easy. Yes, I'm being serious about it. We all have fears. We feel vulnerable in an environment that has not always been safe. We carry so much fear from our ancestors up to this day. We fear death. We believe that by holding on to what we have, that by accumulating what’s scarce—that somehow, we’ll extend our lives. This very behavior makes us take our past too seriously. We keep carrying what is dead with us and it becomes a burden to our existence. No. Wisdom is not bitterness. Wisdom is openness. And if we can understand this, we overcome death.

We don’t fear death as a physical thing. What we fear is the end of our past. We're attached to it. Through attachments we believe that we make our lives longer. But this is not the case. Actually, we make them shorter. By holding on to what is no more, so much energy is wasted, and our health is compromised. Wisdom is realizing that life is too big to be contained in our little worldviews, and so we can’t boss it around. Wisdom is the courage to keep going despite the losses, the pain, the rejections, the fears. Wisdom is keeping our hearts opened no matter what happens. Wisdom is humbleness, enough humbleness to keep going, and learning despite having our fixed worldviews being completely destroyed by life in all its truth. If overcoming death seems like a superhuman task—it’s because it is exactly that. Only through wisdom do we understand love, and become a contributing force to the harmony of life. Wisdom is innocence. It’s feeling vulnerable and owning it, just like a flower does. Or a butterfly.

I don’t have a headache.

I have to go to work. Where are my AirPods? People are running around this morning. Like every morning. I’d like to have a coffee. Today's the day, I’m talking to him. I told you he’s a weirdo, forget about him. Stop judging people. Hey! How are you doing today? Would you like some coffee? Something else? Hum. Yes please. I’d like some coffee, one cup for me... And one for you—that is, if you don’t mind getting a break from that annoying waitress of yours?

You look different today. When you come each morning, I feel a lot of sadness in you but now, it’s different. It’s because I met you. Oh that’s sweet but I don’t think it’s just that. Why wouldn’t it be? You are. Beautiful. Beauty always makes me feel peaceful. Oh, you’re going to make me blush, you know how to talk after all. Anyhow, so, obviously I do coffee. But what about you? Are you an actor of some sorts? Sorry, what? It's just... Sometimes I see you through your window, and you talk by yourself, as if you’re rehearsing a scene or something. I've got some connections, I could help!

It’s true that my window is very close, and you can actually see the whole room from here. Talking alone uh? It’s true that you never had a name. And that you always talked like me. Well, at least you always had more class than I did. Hahaha. Have I said something funny? Hahahahahahaha. Good God! People come to a cafe to work, and this moron is laughing like the Buddha! Sorry, I was practicing my laughing. Yes, I am an actor. At least an aspiring one. I create movies in my mind and I practice as much as I can. I even created an imaginary, but very supportive friend for this matter. Well, even if our conversations feel more like it's the same person talking. Really? That's too cute! And what’s his name?

Life.