Just the Tooth, Kid

Timmy awoke gagging from little fingers poking inside his mouth.

“Whaa?”

He stared into a tiny, begoggled face.

“Who are you?”

She yanked off her goggles, revealing a beautiful, Barbie-sized Fairy. “I’m Santa Claus, kid,” she replied.

“Really?”

“Do I look like freaking Santa Claus?” She hovered back to allow him a full body view.

Timmy wiped the sleep from his eyes and gave her a closer look: blonde cascading hair sprinkled with fairy dust, gossamer wings, an intricate leather and silver collar around her neck, and a dark purple corset that looked painfully constricting…

Timmy was only five, but even he was mesmerized by her radiant beauty. Probably because she was actually radiating.

“You’re glowing,” Timmy whispered.

“No duh.” She rolled her eyes and flapped her wings, more amused than annoyed. “That’s because I’m the freaking Tooth Fairy.”

She reached back inside his mouth.

Timmy mumbled a protest through her prying hands.

“Hmm…” She grabbed hold of a tooth and tried to wiggle it.

“Ow!” He pushed her away. “Wait! If you’re the Tooth Fairy, why are you here? I haven’t lost any teeth!”

“I’m a bit early.”

“That’s not how it works!”

The hovering Fairy put her hands on her hips and scowled.

“Who are you to tell me how it works?”

A small bit of sparkly smoke puffed out from her hidden rocket pack, unnoticed by Timmy, who was staring at her crotch.

“What’s that?” Timmy asked, pointing to her iron Chastity Belt.

“Hey! Stop staring at my Fairy parts!”

“Sorry. I wasn’t!” Embarrassed, Timmy snapped his gaze back to her face. “What are Fairy par–”

“Apology accepted. Now let me have another peek at that tooth.”

The Fairy winked slyly and moved in closer.

Timmy clamped his hands over his mouth.

“Come on, kid! I’ve got other mouths to see!”

Timmy shook his head no.

She reached into a black velvet pouch hanging above her waist and pulled out a shiny 1844 British bronze coin. She held it up for the boy to see.

“How about for a farthing?”

Timmy laughed.

“You said farting!”

“No, I didn’t! I said farthing. Do you want it or not?” She shoved the coin in Timmy’s hand, not waiting for a response.

He inspected it. It was heavy and shiny.

“Who’s the lady?”

“That’s the Queen.”

“Latifa?”

“You’re killing me, kid. Do you want the coin or not?”

“Is it real gold?”

“Sure, why not?” She snatched the coin back. “The coin for the tooth. Deal?”

Timmy nodded. He thought of all the candy he could buy with a farthing. Then he laughed. Farthing.

Timmy stood at the top of the staircase, his back to the stairs.

The Fairy hovered in front of him, holding a string attached to his last baby tooth.

She offered Timmy the coin.

He reached for it, smiling widely.

She dropped the coin in his hand and gave him a shove.

Timmy toppled backwards.

POP! the tooth was yanked from Timmy’s mouth as he tumbled down the carpeted stairs.

The Fairy removed a mini-DNA scanner from an inner pocket of her corset. She shrugged, studying the results.

“Cytosine levels are a bit strange, but it might work.”

She dropped his tooth into her black velvet bag filled with teeth and stowed her scanner.

Timmy groaned awake at the bottom of the stairs to find the Fairy prying his fingers off the farthing clutched in his hand.

“Are you sure you’re really the Tooth Fairy?” he gurgled through his bloody mouth.

The Fairy finally yanked the coin free.

“Honestly kid, aren’t you a little old to still believe in the Tooth Fairy?”

And with that, she flew away with a few puffs of purple, sparkling fairy exhaust and a beatific grin.

-The End-