Jerry

As I walk pass well wishers they lowered their voices to a slight murmur and nodded in my direction with a slight smile. I nod in return without a smile. Mrs Nelson and Mrs Burton were among the well wishers. They know my loss, they know what I am going through. Mrs Nelson lost her husband ten years ago and they had been together over 40 years and Mrs Burton has lost two of her husbands both to cancer. Maybe I should have stopped to chat and thanked them for coming but I just really want to be alone. I will have to get used to being alone. It was just me and Jerry, 'just the two of us' he would say with a laugh. We married but never had children, we did not want them. Lot of our friends and family said that we would change our minds but we didn't, we were happy with just each other. Jerry was so funny, he made me laugh everyday I was with him.

He lit up the room when he walked in, he was everybody's friend. It doesn't feel like he has gone. I feel like he is at the shops and will ring me to ask me what things we needed even though I gave him a list. He was hopelessly forgetful my Jerry was. I look back at the church, built in 1139 St Benedict, it sat in the heart of town surrounded by lush green grass, in the well kept and tidy graveyard with trees either side of the entrance and exit It looked amazingly beautiful on a day like today, with the bright sunshine beating down on the roof of the church. The birds chirping and bees buzzing around the lavender near the wall of the graveyard, the graveyard was full of graves from many years ago, one dated from 1929 and another from 1890. I often wonder what other peoples' lives were like in the previous century, were they happy? how could they cope with the loss of loved ones? people lost so many family members, maybe they got numb to the loss.

'Hannah?', Daniel whispered whilst he reached for my arm.

'Oh!, Daniel sorry I didn't see you there', 'Lost in my own thoughts', I replied. Trying not to look annoyed as I really didn't want to chat to anyone. Daniel looked concerned, he always worries about me. Daniel was Jerry's best friend.

'Hannah, how you holding up?', he said. Whilst reaching to embrace me. Standing there in Daniels' arms I couldn't put what I was feeling into words. I just stood there breathing and sighing into his jacket. I think he knew. He held me at arms length.

'It's rough I know it is Hannah... but I'm here for you', 'I'm your friend as much as I was Jerry's', 'Do you want me to stop over or bring you some food?'.

I lifted my head up and shook my head in response.

'I won't cook you anything,' 'I can order you take out, if you like?', he said.

'No, it's OK I'm not hungry', I said flatly.

'OK then', he sighed.

'Shall we take the long way round back to the car?', he said lightly whilst gesturing towards the walled garden that is next to the church.

'Yeah, can do', I said moving away from Daniel and walking towards the brick archway leading to the walled garden.

Inside the garden along the old brick wall that was crumbling in places that backed onto the graveyard, was a row of lavender plants. The scent of lavender filled the air like perfume and the bees were buzzing around each plant. I looked to see where Daniel was and he had stopped to talk to another man that was at the funeral, tall, dark haired, similar height to Daniel. It looked like Daniel knew him so I walked on without him. The next flower bed had beautiful, delicate yellow pansies in alongside numerous blue grasses. The grasses reminded me of Jerry when we were landscaping our garden, I wanted a rockery with lots of different grasses. We ended up arguing over where we were going to put them, silly really when you think about it. Arguing over where to put some plants, we didn't know then that was when he was starting to feel ill but Jerry never said anything. Just then something flew past my head, swoosh! swish!, I felt a cool breeze on my face as it flew past.

'What was that?', I said to myself. Looking in the direction it went but the sun was my in my eyes. I squinted. Oh how lovely, majestic I thought to myself, so beautiful and really odd that it's out at this time of the day. A barn owl with it's heart shaped snowy white face and it's perching black eyes was perched on the wall. It was just near the trees and I think it has a mouse in it's sharp talons. I tried to get a bit closer but I think I scared it, the owl looked directly at me and then it out stretched it's long, broad musky brown colored wings and off it flew towards the church.