IT'S NOT ME

Everyday I think about them. I often see them. She talks to me and blame me for what I did. I am a murderer of two people. It was around 10 pm, me and my friends went for born fire and campaigning. We all were drunk and had a stupid idea to go for swim in a lake which was nearby. Most of us were good swimmers except one, 'Sam'. He was being coward to splash in the lake. So, I pushed him from behind. We had no idea, how deep water was. He started panicking and drowning. We all laughed at his condition. When he couldn't make it. We went inside to search for him. May be it was too late.

Sam was raised by a single mother. After his son's death. She became forlorn and alcoholic. Eventually she died of liver cancer.

I can't make myself fell asleep. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Sam drowning. I make my best efforts to save him but still I can't save him. I see Sam's mother abusing me for his death. In front of her my tears will welled up in my eyes and requesting her to forgave my sins.

I knew this incident have badly affected my mental health. I need to seek for a psychiatrist doctor. Few days back, i got a e- mail. It was an advertisement to help depress or mentally ill people. I told them about my condition and asked for help. Within a minute his reply came. He was so eager to help me. Via e-mail, we communicate and he used to motivate and boost some energy in me.

One day he called me at his house as it was the part of his treatment. His house wasn't far away. But I didn't want to go because it was Sam's first death anniversary. Still he convinced me to come to his place.

He was a tall, fit, kind and pleasant guy. He offered me coffee. I started feeling dizzy. I swing my head to the corner of table, blurry vision still I could make out a family photo with his wife and son. His son is Sam and wife is Sam's mother.

I opened my eyes, my head was aching. I was at the same lake where Sam died. My hands at the back and legs were tightly roped. He came closer to me and put a tape in my lips.

"You know what boy, rules are always make to break, aren't they? When its written danger inside the lake. You shouldn't have come and pushed my son. 25 years ago, I hit a waitress in anger. She died on the spot. Mary was pregnant. I went to jail for 30 years. She never came to meet me. Daily I used to think them. Today she will come to meet me. How my son will look? What name shall I give to him? She must have done second marriage till now. I hope my son is well. Due to my good behavior and gestures, my punishment reduced to 5 years. When I came out my first thought was to search my family, be an ideal citizen, be an obedient father and loving husband. I never met them. For whom I wanted to live and do something were already death. So, why not I be the beast again? I observed you, made a fake id and contacted you, to see your death and laugh at your condition while dying. Do you remember Sam drowning and dying in the lake? Now it is my son's time to watch you dying."

He picked me in his arms and dropped me in the lake. I closed my eyes thanked to God for this beautiful life. I love you Lilly. I recollected all the memories I had since my childhood till now. My college speech suddenly popped in my head which I gave when I topped. "Birth and death is not in our hand but to choose is in our hand. Even if your dreams looks far away or you can't make it because it look so tough. Give it a try. You may discover something new in yourself."

I wanna live. I opened my eyes. I was in the mid of the water. It sounds impossible to reach up but still no harm in giving a try. I moved my shoulders continuously right left, right left...... As soon as I was coming up my determination got more stronger. Within 10 second, my head was out of the water. Not enough, I need to reach land area. I swam across the lake. My whole strength was holding upon my shoulders. Finally, I came out.

"You are really a great swimmer. I mean it. I wish my son was good at swimming just like you. Don't worry, I am not going anywhere until I send you to my son."

I sat on a rock, its edges were sharp. Moved my legs up down, up down..... in that sharp edge, trying to release myself, need to do bit fast. He was coming closer to me. My legs were wide open, felt so relieved. I kicked a stone at his head. He fell down and not responding. With the same procedure I released my hands then removed the tape from my lips. Gasping for breath.

I was exhausted by doing two strange exercises but no time to stop. It was about to get dark. I must hurry up.

It was dark already and I was lost in the dense forest. My whole body was aching.

Golden eyes in front of the tree's top branch. I step backed and froze for a moment. It made a screeched sound and flew over my head.

"Okay calm down it was an owl. No need to freak out."

My heart was pounding rapidly with loud noise. I sat down, my hands crossed covering my legs, neck down between my knees. My mom used to sung a song when I used to fear from dark and thunder. I commenced singing in the same position.

"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace."

Monkeys chirping, I woke up. It was more dark by now. Feeling much better after a small nap. I continued moving, saw a flashlight and started following it. After few miles, road was visible.

I saw a car and begged for help. It was him again. He saw me, came out of the car with an ax.

I ran and hid in an open shutter of garage then locked it. I started searching for mobile or anything that could help me now. I got a gun.

Sam and Sam's mother standing beside me and saying,"You must shoot yourself. You deserve it. My husband. My father. Will give you so pain but this one bullet might not give you much pain. Death is easy and peaceful. Life is harder."

"They are somehow correct. I do have regrets for killing both of you. I must have killed myself earlier for what I have done?"

I loaded the gun, put it in the middle of my forehead.

"What am I doing? I survive till here and giving up now. It's not me. Andrew Jr never gives up."

I threw the gun far away.

"I couldn't see you drowning but I will see you burning."

He was spreading kerosene. I saw a window, moved out, without making any sound. I hope he didn't saw me while coming out. Ran towards his car. Its front door was open. But there weren't any car keys. I searched in the desktop, got a mobile and frequently texted 911 for help. I gave all my necessary details and then even gave a missed call. Before anyone could pick it. He was standing beside the front glass. The front door was locked but he smashed it and opened it in one shot. He held my collar and threw me out.

Enough of escaping. This time, I ain't running. I punched him at his face. He hit me in the stomach. An another punch from my side. He blocked my hand, covered his upper arm around my neck and twisted and threw me at his side. I was laying at the ground. He choked me. I pulled his arm and pushing it outwards at same time pulled my right leg up and over him with a great force. He was laying at the ground now. I was sitting at his stomach. Punched him at his face. I picked a stone which was beside my left side. Hit his head with the stone, once, twice, thrice.........till I was sure he was dead.

He was dead. I moved ahead and saw a police car. I sat in my knees. The police officer came out of the car. I was trembling out off cold. He gave me his jacket and said, ''Sir are you fine?''

In his walkie talkie," 1101# 15th street 10 blocks near the lake fork. We need an ambulance and fire brigade.''

I slowly closed my eyes. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I gave my statement to police and media. My friends and family members visited me for sympathy and moral support. Lilly even came to see me. It was now or never to tell my feelings to her.

"Lilly, I knew we broke up last year after Sam's death. I was under regret and it almost killed me. I knew it was an accident and not my fault. When I saw my death so close to me. I said two things before dying. First thanked to God for this beautiful life. Second I love you. Lilly Kristen Joseph, will you marry me?"

"Oh my gosh! Yes, I will marry you Andrew Jr."