Island Strife - a Two Act Comedy

Setting: a beach café with three outdoor tables and the café entrance with the sign ‘Island Life Café’ is directly above. The centre table seats 4 and the other 2 tables seat 2 each.

Four people are sitting at the main table and ordering lunch. One man is just finishing his meal on another table.

Cast: In order of appearance

Pippa The waitress. Pref young.

Lyn Middle aged, just a bit overweight. Married to Dave.

Dave Middle aged. Just a bit overweight. Married to Lyn.

Jessi Middle aged. Partner to Josh. New to the island.

Josh Middle aged. Partner to Jessi. New to the Island.

Nick Representing the Ministry of Aircraft Noise Emission Soundwaves.

Marmaduke Middle aged, just a bit overweight. Very smiley. Owner of Table Gurgle.

Tim Marmaduke’s husband. Plays the ukelele.

Crabs Older man, untidy, haggard.

Steven Chief engineer

Simon Younger and naïve junior engineer

Gillian The mayor

Pete …has lost his dog.

Josephine French. The proprietor of the Island Life Café.

Bob Customer. Married to Joan

Joan having breakfast at the café.

Mermaid (2nd role for Pippa)

Council Officer 1

Council Officer 2

Scene 1 – Tables outside the Island Life Café

Pippa Let’s make sure I’ve got your order right. Burger, salad and chips with the lot, burger salad and chips no beetroot, burger salad and chips with extra salad…

Lyn Yes, I’m on a diet.

Pippa And…?

Dave Well, I’d like the souvlaki.

Pippa Sorry, we’re out of it.

Dave Then I’m a burger, salad and chips with no salad.

Pippa Got it. Any drinks?

Dave We’ll come up and get them ourselves. Okay? Thank you.

(The conversation is drowned out by the roar of an overhead plane. Everybody looks up.)

Jessi Good grief! I think I could just about read the numbers on the fuselage!

Josh Qantas 747. Registration VH-OGU. Flying Melbourne to Brisbane and landing in about 25 minutes.

(Everyone looks at him and then looks away, embarrassed).

Josh What? Don’t you ever look up the flight paths?

Dave Funny you should mention that. No.

Josh You should. They’re very interesting. For instance…

Jessi (Interrupts. To Lyn) Will you be helping out at the koala count, today?

Lyn Yes. I counted Zero.

Jessi What?

Lyn Zero. Nix. The big O. There are no koalas on this island. None at all. We’ve been here about five years and nary a one. It’s all make-believe.

Jessi But, they’re counting them. Well if there aren’t any, why do they do it?

Lyn Who knows? Years ago, Crabs nailed a stuffed koala toy to one of the trees and took a photo and put it on the Community Page and the next thing you know, some group came over and started counting them. Well, nobody wanted to admit that they hadn’t seen one, so suddenly we’ve got a koala population. You just wait …

(Another plane zooms over loudly. Everyone reacts!)

Dave (angrily) That’s too much! Somebody should do something about that!

Jessi Who? Hmm? You tell me who? Nobody’s gonna do anything about that. We’re just gunna have to suffer and complain and nobody’s gunna listen because we are just a small island and…

(The man sitting alone on the table behind them has finished eating. As his plate is taken away, he approaches the table of four).

Nick Hello, I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t help overhearing. I’m Nick by the way. Nick Crosby. I’m from the Ministry Of Aircraft Noise Emission Soundwaves. Or, MOANES, for short. I’m here conducting investigations into ending your problems with air-traffic noise. As you are aware, this has been all over the news and it would appear that there are concerns that the local fish stocks are being adversely affected by the changes in soundwaves generated by the changes to the flight path.

Lyn Fish stocks?

Nick Yes. Terrible business.

Lyn You are here because the fish are being affected?

Nick Quite right. You can rely on us. MOANES is on the job, ready to investigate the problem and deal with it in a time-efficient manner by putting together a working party to liaise with all stakeholders to achieve the best possible outcome for all in this fragile green-belt environment.

Lyn So, you are here because of the fish. But when we the people complained about how the noise was affecting us, nobody took any notice.

Nick (smiles) No, no, no, no, no! Not at all. Our investigation will of course seek to address such problems as …

(a plane zooms over)

Nick … as you may have encountered. But rest assured that under the provinces of parliamentary mandate A2479 subsection C, clause c, regional zones noise management configurations and allowances, this location has been routinely tested for noise pollution and found to be within acceptable limits according to the proclaimed guidelines.

Dave How long ago was this noise management test done?

Nick Why?

Dave Well, if it wasn’t recent, then it won’t have picked up the plane noise, will it.

Nick Don’t you worry about that. I am sure we have taken that into consideration. I will be looking for people to participate in our community consultation process. I am sure that in due course a public consultation will be called, and we will tell you all what we’ve decided to do. I must be off. Lovely to meet you all. (He shakes hands, then sprays his hands with an antiseptic and wipes his hand in a wet-wipe, which he throws in the bin).

(Nick leaves and as he goes, he nods to and greets Marmaduke and Tim as they make their way into the café seating area. Tim is carrying a large basket containing jars).

Marmaduke Hello. Hello. Hello, how are you all? We thought we’d just drop in for a cuppa and see who was around while I drop off my latest creations from Table Gurgle.

Lyn Oooh! What have you got? Jessi, this is my friend Marmaduke, we call her Marmalade behind her back because she makes jams and chutneys and preserves etc. Table Gurgle has some wonderful innovations. What have you got here today, Marmaduke?

Marmaduke Pleased to meet you, Jessi. Are you new to the Island?

Jessi Yes. My husband Josh and I only moved in a few weeks ago. We’re new.

Lyn Dave and I moved in about five years ago. We’re still new. Show us what you’ve got, Marmaduke.

Marmaduke I’ve been experimenting with some new ingredients. I have here some pickled mud crabs. And here’s a new soft cheese I’ve made from Gekko milk. There’s only a few pieces of that. Takes a long time to milk the gekkos.

Jessi Mmmm. I can imagine.

Tim And then only half the gecko population are female and it takes a few tries before you find out which sort you’ve got hold of …

Marmaduke I’ve brought a couple of jars of oyster and limpet jam. I’ll open one up in a minute and you can try some. And finally, a Table Gurgle favorite: Cricket Chutney – only this time the little soft bits are grasshoppers. I thought crickets were a bit heavy on the crunch for a good chutney. Would you like to sample anything?

Lyn We’ll buy something later when we’ve finished. We’ve all just ordered lunch. Did you see that man who was leaving as you arrived? He’s from the Federal Government.

Tim (Tim sits at one of the small tables) Really? Is he lost?

Dave Apparently he’s here to save the fish from the airplanes.

Tim Well … that makes about as much sense as anything else the Feds do. Let’s face it, there are more airplanes in the sea than there are ships in the sky. Makes sense to me.

(Pippa comes out with two plates with fish, chips and salad).

Pippa Two fish, chips, salad. One without the salad.

Dave That would almost be mine, except that I ordered a burger, chips and no salad.

Lyn I ordered burger, chips and extra salad.

Pippa Then these must be yours. (She puts the plates down in front of the others and walks off before anyone can tell her it’s still wrong).

Jessi I don’t mind having fish. That’s okay. I like fish, chips and salad.

Josh Well, I’d prefer the burger and I do want salad, so do you want this, Dave?

Dave Yes, okay I’ll have it. I wanted souvlaki, but they are out of it, so I ordered burger and I’ve ended up with fish. (He begins eating).

Marmaduke I’ll go and see if Josephine is in. She’s been waiting for my new consignment.

(Marmaduke takes the basket into the cafe)

Tim Is anyone using this fork? (He picks it up and bangs his head with it. Thunk! noise.) Hmmm… not quite right.

Josh Funny, that’s just what I was thinking.

Tim Let’s try … (He bangs a different part of his head with the fork. Thunk!).

Dave (Loudly to Josh) You don’t mind that we’ve started eating, do you?

Josh (Loudly) No, I’m sure they will bring our meal out any moment. Did you want a beer with that?

Dave Yes, I will, thanks. Glass of wine, ladies? There you go, two beers and two wines.

(Josh leaves and Pippa returns with the last 2 plates of food)

Pippa Now who wanted the souvlaki? Turns out we had one left.

Dave Oh! That was me. But now I’ve started eating the fish…!

Pippa (Putting down a bowl of salad in front of Lyn) And this must be yours.

Lyn What’s this?

Pippa That’s the extra salad you ordered. Enjoy! (She leaves)

Lyn But, but, but where’s my chips and burger?

Dave That’s the souvlaki I wanted! Oh!

(Josh returns)

Josh I’ve ordered the drinks.

Dave Don’t be too confident – look at this.

Josh What? Oh! That’s your souvlaki.

Dave Not any more it isn’t. I’ve started on the fish. That’s yours now.

Josh But I don’t like souvlaki.

Lyn Well, I suppose I could have it with my salad. Give it here!

Josh And now it’s just me that’s waiting for a meal. Can’t be long now.

(Marmaduke returns)

Marmaduke Another happy customer! I saw the mayor inside. If she buys my oyster and limpet jam, it could really catch on! Fingers crossed.

Lyn Gosh, we are full of celebrities today. We had that man from the Federal Government and now the Mayor, too. I wonder if something’s going on?

(Enter Crabs from inside the café. Swearing unintelligibly)

Crabs SwearSwearSwearSwear!

Josh G’day crabs. How’s things?

Crabs SwearSwearSwearSwear!

Lyn I haven’t seen you for a while. You haven’t given up the beer, have you?

Crabs SwearSwearSWEARSWEARSWEAR!!!

Lyn Oh good, cos you always get grumpy when you are sober.

Crabs Swear-Swearing Airportbedamned! SwearSwearSwear!

Josh What’s that about the airport? Try and tell us in little words and short sentences.

Crabs They’re gunna build a swearing airport!

Josh Okaaaaay. And this has upset you becausssssse?

Crabs (points) Out there! Floating blasted airport be damned. Over my dead body! SwearSwearSwear! (Crabs stomps off).

Dave What was that?

Lyn That was Crabs. He’s one of our Island Characters. Such a darling man.

Dave Also known as Potted Crabs – for obvious reasons when you get to know him better.

Jessi And he catches crabs?

Dave No. When he was a young man, he caught crabs, different thing. And then he spread them all over the island! There was a lot of scratching going on – or so I heard. People here don’t forget.

Tim Why would he be upset over the airport. That’s a long way from here. (He picks up a different fork and bangs his head with it. The fork resonates. In the background a triangle tings). Ah, that’s better!

Marmaduke Oh dear! Not the tuning fork again. I thought we’d had a discussion about that, Tim, dear.

Tim (hits his head with the fork. The triangle tings again).

Marmaduke That’s enough! Sorry, he’s come over all musically impaired. If I don’t get him home he’s likely to break out in a sever case of ukelele. Last week he suffered a nasty attack of “Smoke on the Water,” – it wasn’t pleasant! Come along darling, lets get you home and I’ll make you a lovely cup of bromeliad tea. (Marmaduke and Tim exit)

(An airplane goes over. Two men run out of the café, look up excitedly and point).

Steven There. Did you see it? Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Simon Yes, yes, yes, what? Where? No, I can’t see it. Where?

Steven Well of course you can’t see it. It’s gone now.

Simon Ummm. Should I mark down ‘one’. (Indicates his clipboard)

Steven One what?

Simon One koala. Isn’t that what you saw?

Steven No. I’m talking about the airplane that just went over.

Simon Oh. Is that all. I thought you’d seen a koala. Can we go and look for koalas now?

Steven Not yet, I’m still talking to the mayor. Come on.

(The two men walk back inside the café)

Lyn I just counted two.

Jessi Two what?

Lyn Idiots, here for the koala count.

Jessi It’s a shame there’s none. I was looking forward to that.

Dave Well, you can always tag along with Crabs and learn from him. He loves the koala count.

Jessi But you said …

Dave He takes $25 each from the tourists and then he walks them around the wetland, points up trees and says, “That’s odd, they were here yesterday!”

(Mayor Gillian and the two men, Steven and Simon, come out from the café)

Gillian I think if we explain it properly, the Islanders will be very happy after the first shock has worn off and they see the advantages. Yes, I think it’s a win-win-win-win situation for everyone. I mean, it’s not like anyone is using that space, are they. It’s empty! It can become an employment hub and once established, we can extend and create a floating city. Done properly, this could be a world-first in innovation. I must say, you have certainly got my support. I think this will be worth investing in.

Steven You have grasped this concept very quickly Gillian. I can see why they’ve made you Mayor, three terms in a row! Very astute of you.

Gillian Thank you Steven. My electorate love me. How long do you think it will take to complete your initial investigations? Only I suspect that it will impact on the property prices in the area and of course the port will have to be upgraded to handle the increased traffic, although perhaps a bridge might be a good idea? The people have been talking about a bridge between the Island and the Mainland for decades.

Steven Don’t worry about that, the topography is already mapped. The big advantage that you’ve already spotted is that we don’t have to buy land. That cuts a huge chunk out of the expenditure and therefore this project has been given the green light already. Public funding has been allocated and we will be hiring local people with local knowledge to assist us.

Simon What about the money? Tell the mayor about the investment. Go on!

Steven No. I shouldn’t be doing that. It’s a secret.

Simon But I like her. She’s a nice lady. You should tell her.

Gillian I think, I think – is there something I should know?

Steven Ummmmm … I shouldn’t be telling you, but there’s an investment opportunity. I’m sure that you, in your position would handle this information discretely, but since our company won the contract to build the airport, our share price is about to trend on the stock market.

Simon Ka-BOOM!

Steven Sufficiently so, that we have created a subsidiary company as an offshoot of the main company for investors to buy shares and then those shares are not directly associated with the parent company. This is for Tax purposes, you understand, and the subsidiary company is located in the Cayman Islands.

Simon Cun-ning.

Gillian I don’t understand.

Steven I shouldn’t be telling you this, can I rely on your discretion?

Gillian Absolutely!

Steven Well, if a person invests in the subsidiary company, then there’s no connection. Nobody can, for instance, be accused of insider trading or having a vested interest. There’s no conflict of interest, because the subsidiary company has a Completely Different Name and just happens to be owned by the parent company – and why would anybody know who owns what?

Gillian What’s the subsidiary company called?

Steven (looks around as if someone might overhear. Whispers) Barbelé Bateau. (pronounced Bar-bellay Batoh)

Gillian (loudly) Barbelé Bateau?

(Steven and Simon look shocked and try to put out a verbal fire)

Steven Shhhhh! We don’t want a run on the stocks. They’ll be going through the roof as it is.

Gillian (whispers) Barbelé Bateau.

Simon That’s right - Barbelé Bateau.

Steven Now don’t forget – don’t tell anyone. Come on Simon, we have to catch the ferry.

Gillian Wait. I have a question. Surely it’s a good thing to tell everyone to buy shares. The more shares people buy, the more the price goes up. Isn’t it that how it works?

Steven Yes. I knew you were smart. But I’m personally trying to buy as many shares as I can before the word gets out and the price…

Simon Ka-BOOM!

Steven. Exactly. Now, we have to get going. Come on, Simon.

Simon Not me. I want to count the koalas. You promised! Pleeeeease.

Steven Oh, okay. If it makes you happy. Come on then.

Simon (flourishes his clipboard). One.

Steven What do you mean, ‘one’. We haven’t seen any yet.

Simon No, but when I do, I might be so excited, I might forget to write it down, so I’m doing it now.

(Simon and Steven exit)

Dave ’Scuse me Madam Mayor, Gillian, is something happening? What’s going on?

Gillian Oh hello, ummm, Dave, isn’t it. Nothing really. Well just a little thing. No, I have to say, it’s quite a big thing. In fact, it’s probably the Biggest Thing that’s happened around here in decades. I can confidently confirm that this is really So Big that it will change everything, and I can just see my name on a small, no, on a large plaque at the entrance saying, ‘Opened by Mayor Gillian’. Yes.

Lyn But what is it?

Gillian Didn’t I say? It’s to do with all the planes flying overhead. We’ve solved the problem.

(A plane flies overhead)

Gillian No more planes flying overhead!

Jessi Hooray!

Josh Well done.

Lyn Well, you’ve certainly got my vote come the next election.

Dave How did you pull that off?

Gillian Well, I can’t really take any credit, well, not all of the credit, but some of it, most of it. They are going to build a new airport. So, the planes won’t be flying overhead anymore. They’ll be landing. Here! They are going to build a new airstrip here. Which is just wonderful because it means that the planes won’t be flying overhead and going to Brisbane, they’ll stop here. Think of all the advantages! It will be wonderful!

Dave Here? What, here? On our little Island?

Gillian No. Don’t be silly. Of course not.

Lyn Then …?

Gillian Out there. On the sea. A floating platform. Out of the way of everyone and no problem at all.

Lyn No!

Jessi That’s ridiculous!

Josh That’s the most SwearSwearSwear stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Dave I think a letter to the papers is warranted. Indeed. And strongly worded!

Gillian See, that’s the problem with you people. You have no vision. You only see difficulties but not opportunities or advantages. But that’s all right because I’m the mayor and I’m here to make these sorts of decisions on your behalf.

Lyn How can there be advantages to such a half-baked, under-estimated, over warranted thing as an airport right here?

Gillian We have done a feasibility study. Currently everyone who wants to fly anywhere, has to go to Brisbane to get to the airport. Think how much vehicular traffic and time will be saved by having an airport here. Oh, not an international airport, just a domestic terminal, servicing this locality. Think of all the employment opportunities! Think of the fuel savings from not having to travel to Brisbane. All those nasty fossil fuels saved! Protect the green fringe, that’s what I say!

Lyn That reminds me, isn’t there a Ramsar Agreement in place, protecting this area?

Gillian It doesn’t count. This will be one big pontoon-like structure. It will be permanently moored in the bay, so not interfering with the ecological make-up of the coastal fringe. Don’t worry, be happy. This will happen regardless of what you want…

Dave Just a minute – we voted for you.

Gillian. Thank you very much. And now I’m doing my job. (leaves)

Lyn Did she really say what I thought she said? They are going to build an airport right here on the sea? A floating airport?

Jessi I imagine the noise will be much, much worse if the planes are actually landing and taking off again.

Josh What can we do? Who do we talk to?

Dave We should contact the Council.

J/J/L (together) SHE IS THE COUNCIL!

Dave Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot. Well, who else then?

Josh The local newspapers, for a start. I shall write a letter! And local radio.

Lyn And we need to let the Islanders know. Let’s contact the Progress Association.

Dave Great idea. They can probably write a letter to the Council.

Lyn Oh.

Jessi Put it on facebook. Start a petition. Maybe start a Go Fund Me thingy.

Lyn Great! Now we’re cooking! How do you do that?

Jessi I have no idea.

Dave What was the name of that company those men were on about?

Lyn You mean, Barbelé Bateau?

Dave Yes. Barbelé Bateau. Let me look that up on the internet…

(Enter Pippa to take the plates away)

Pippa Oh, you haven’t finished yet. I’ll come back later.

Dave We haven’t had our drinks yet.

Josh And I haven’t had my meal yet!

Pippa Okay, I’ll go and see what’s happening. We’re a bit short-staffed today.

Lyn Just as well we are the only customers, then.

(Pippa leaves. In the background, a man is running around holding a dog lead and collar. He is calling his dog).

Dave I’ve found it. Yes, it is a new company. Listed here on the Stock Exchange. Share price is currently $2.50. Oh! It’s just shot up to $2.75, while I was looking.

Josh Has it got a history of share prices?

Dave Let me see…. Listed six weeks ago at $1. So, it’s nearly tripled in six weeks. Now that may not sound much, but if you had invested $1,000, then you’d now have $2,750. In just six weeks!

Josh That’s impressive. Y’know, I’ve just had a thought. I’m not sure that we, as ordinary people, can do anything to halt progress. Like airports…

Dave You mean, it might be a good idea to be on the winning side?

Josh I think that’s exactly what I mean.

Lyn What are you two on about?

Dave That company, Barbelé Bateau, the share price is going up.

Josh It’s a good opportunity to buy in.

Dave And make a killing!

Lyn You want to invest in a floating airport? A thing that we are very against!

Dave Well, you’re against it.

Josh Look, it might not go anywhere. But we are positioned right here to see what’s happening and we can sell off the shares real quick if it doesn’t go ahead. What did the mayor say? It’s a win-win-win-win.

Jessi Ethically, it’s a lose-lose-lose-lose.

Josh Ethics won’t be paying for that cruise you want to go on.

Jessi Oh.

Lyn Jessi, you aren’t caving, are you?

Jessi (lying) No, of course not.

Lyn I don’t believe it! (She stomps off)

Jessi (Running after her) Lyn, wait! I didn’t mean it.

(In the background, we can hear the man calling his dog)

Josh So, how do you do it?

Dave Do what?

Josh You know… buy shares on-line.

Dave Come on, let’s go back to your place and I’ll show you. It’s easy when you know how. (Dave and Josh exit)

(Enter Pippa with a tray full of drinks and a burger)

Pippa Here they are. Sorry for the wait. Oh! Where’s everyone gone? Oh well…

(Pete runs in, looking for his dog).

Pete Have you seen a dog around here?

(Pippa looks around as if it might be hiding under a table).

Pippa Umm, no. Do you want a burger?

Pete Don’t mind if I do.

(He grabs the burger and he and Pippa leave in different directions, Pippa back to the café)

Scene 2

(The sign ‘Island Life Café has been removed. Chairs and tables removed. A bench (no back or armrests) has been installed. It is dusk and getting darker).

(Enter Steven and Simon. They have been on a koala hunt with Crabs. Missed the ferry. Now they are stuck on the island in the wetlands. They are very tired and they sit on the bench).

Steven Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.

Simon It’s not my fault we missed the last ferry. It’s that man’s fault, that Crays! He kept us looking for koalas for too long.

Steven Crabs.

Simon No, we were looking for koalas.

Steven His name was Crabs, not Crays. Although, Cray-zee…!

Simon It was good though. We almost saw a lot of koalas. I saw a lot of trees where they were yesterday. And we saw three peacocks.

Steven How do you know we didn’t see the same peacock three times?

Simon Because Crays was able to identify them. He said the eyes were placed differently on the tail. He said that each peacock tail was as identifiable as a human fingerprint. I think that’s amazing.

(Steven hits him over the head with a rolled-up brochure)

Simon What did you do that for?

Steven There was a large mosquito on your head. I just saved you.

Simon Oh. Thank you.

Steven What are we going to do now? We’re stuck with nowhere to stay and I’m cold and hungry and, and, give me your jacket for a minute, will you?

(Simon stands up and removes his jacket and hands it to Steven. Steven folds it up, puts it under his head and spreads out across the bench).

Simon What are you doing?

Steven Getting some shut eye. I’ll see you in the morning.

Simon Give me back my jacket!

Steven No. It’s your fault we’re stuck here. I’m going to sleep, and you can make yourself comfortable somewhere else.

Simon You better not sleep here. That man, Crays…

Steven You mean, Crabs…

Simon Yes. Crazy Crabs, he said this wood is haunted! There are banshees!

Steven Aw – and you believed him? Course you did. He had us prancing around looking up trees for koalas that had all disappeared and then he blames the airplanes and we paid him fifty dollars to walk us around the wetlands for a couple of hours now my feet are killing me and I’m tired and there aren’t any such things as ghosts! So, leave me alone.

Simon All right. You be like that. I’m going.

Steven Good.

Simon Right. I’ll see you in the morning.

Steven Goodnight.

Simon You’ll be all on your own, you know.

Steven Good Night!

Simon In this spooky wood.

Steven Goooooood …

Simon And if the banshee gets you, you make sure you leave my jacket behind. That’s my favourite, that is.

Steven Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I said, good night, Simon.

Simon All right. I can take a hint. I’m going now.

(Simon walks off. There is the terrifying screech of a curlew! Simon comes running back in as fast as he can and he and Steven embrace in fear. They sort of stumble around. They can’t see anything in the gloom and decide to settle back on the bench. They sit back-to-back, each supporting the other. They try to sleep but every time they relax, one slips sideways).

Steven This is no good. We aren’t going to get any sleep tonight. I’m going to check the shares. Let me see … Barbelé Bateau. Ah, there we are. Omigod! Omigod! Look at that!

Simon What? What? What?

Steven The share price has gone up to $4.86. It’s nearly doubled since lunchtime. Look, someone bought $10,000 worth and there are a few smaller investments. You realise don’t you that the stock exchange has ceased trading now. It’s closed for the night, so by tomorrow, we could have even more shareholders invest and stock could have gone up again! I don’t think I could sleep now, I’m so excited!

Simon Good. Can I have my jacket back now? (Steven hands it over).

Steven It looks like this is going to work. Everyone’s buying shares in a two-dollar shelf company that doesn’t even exist!

Simon What do you mean? I thought we were going to build an airport.

Steven Really? No! I told you, this was all about selling shares and I think it is going to work. We’ll be rich! I’m so happy I could cry. (He hugs Simon)

(Enter Crabs. He is admiring and sniffing a pretty lace bra that still has the clothes pegs attached. When he sees Steven and Simon hugging, he stuffs the bra into his trousers pocket, but the strap and peg are still hanging out).

Crabs Not interrupting anything am I?

Steven No, no, no. Simon was just a bit scared.

Simon By a ghost! We heard it. It was a banshee!

Crabs Did you see it?

Simon No.

Crabs Good. Because they brings terrible luck and sometimes – DEATH! So you better not stay here. You get to your lodgings.

Steven Can you recommend anywhere?

Crabs Not at this time of night, no. Didn’t you arrange anything earlier?

Steven I didn’t think we were staying that long.

Crabs Hmm. We-ell, I suppose you could stay with me. I could do you a bed and breakfast if you want…?

Simon Yes please. I don’t want to stay here with the banshee.

Steven You’re a mate. That’s very good of you.

Crabs … and only $50.

Steven Oh, okay.

Crabs Each.

Steven Each?!

Crabs And breakfast is extra!

Steven What? No! That’s too much.

Simon (Whispers to Steven) The share price has gone up. We can afford it. Come on, I’m cold, I’m hungry and I’m scared of the banshee.

Steven Oh all right! How much for dinner, bed and breakfast, all in?

Crabs Two hundred dollars the lot and I’ll throw in some beers each – for free!

Steven Done! (Simon does a little happy dance) It’s good to deal with a man who has a head for investments. I’ll bet you are a whiz on the Stock Exchange?

Crabs Nah! Don’t trust it. Blokes earning millions one day and losing the lot the next. Might just as well bet on the horses.

Steven You are probably right. Unless of course, you had a friend ‘in the know’.

Crabs Like who?

Steven Like me, for instance. Have you ever heard of a company called Barbelé Bateau…?

(Everyone walks off. The stage goes dark).

(A few moments later, we hear Peter calling his dog in the distance. He has a torch. He doesn't come on stage).

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Act 2

(Bright sunny morning. The front tables of the Island Life Café are packed with breakfast diners. Everyone is mingling and eating and drinking. Marmaduke is talking animatedly with friends, Bob and Joan, when she sees Dave and Lyn walk in).

Marmaduke Lyn, you saw the mayor here yesterday. Is it true? Surely it can’t be true?

Lyn Are you on about the airport?

Marmaduke Yes. We heard they are thinking of building a floating pontoon airport out there on the sea. Have you heard anything? It’s unbelievable. It’s like April Fool’s Day.

(Enter Josephine, the proprietor of the café)

Josephine C’est bon! I love ze airport. There will be so many customers! I will be run off my feet.

Lyn What? There were only us four here yesterday and Pippa couldn’t cope. She got all our meals wrong!

Josephine Pas probleme! I will employ more staff. It is wonderful news. Now, who ordered ze breakfast? I ’ave ’ere ze crumpets wiz scrambled eggs, drizzled with a soupçon of gecko cheese garnir.

Bob That’s ours. Thanks.

(Josephine deposits the plates and returns to the café)

Marmaduke Well?

Lyn This is all I know. The mayor was here yesterday and she was with two engineers from the company that’s contracted to build it. She was all over them like a rash! She reckons it will solve our problems with aircraft noise because they won’t be flying overhead anymore.

Dave Instead, we’ll be deafened by the landings and take-offs.

Lyn Unless of course, the fish don’t like it…?

(Everybody looks at her like she’s nuts)

Lyn Do you remember that man who was here yesterday? Nick Crosby? The man from the Ministry of Aircraft Noise Emission Soundwaves. Remember? MOANES.

Tim What of it?

Lyn Well, he didn’t care about us suffering from the aircraft noise, but he was concerned about the fish stocks being depleted because of the soundwaves.

Tim So…..?

Lyn So, if the fish are a concern for aircraft that are just flying over, how bad would it be if the aircraft landed here? The fish would have swearing fit!

Everyone Ooooooh! (and other noises).

Dave So what you are saying, is that a floating airport would upset the fish even more.

Lyn Yes!

(Enter Josh and Jessi)

Josh G’Morning everyone. Dave, have you checked the stocks this morning?

Dave Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Josh (Whispers) Check the stock price for Barbelé Bateau.

(Dave pulls out his phone and looks)

Dave Seven dollars, twenty-three!

Josh Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That’s even better than when I looked. It’s doubled since yesterday!

Dave How much did you invest?

Josh I can’t remember. (Dave looks at him!) Okay, $5,000. You?

Dave $3,000 – but I’m going to put in more. This is amazing. This must be what the rich people do.

(Enter Crabs, still with the bra hanging out of his pocket).

Crabs (Greets everyone). Mornin’. Mornin’. Mornin’.

Lyn How did the ‘koala hunt’ go yesterday?

Crabs Aw, that were a shame, that were. Do you know, we just missed ’em. I saw ’em the day before, but when we looked, they had all gone off. I dunno what happened. Them two blokes are still up at my place. They missed the last ferry, so I gave them a bunk-up.

Jessi That was kind of you!

Dave How much did you charge them?

Crabs Never you mind. It was the kindness of my heart!

Dave That much, eh!

(Pete runs in looking for his dog. He is carrying a leash and collar).

Pete Has anyone seen a dog running around?

Bob What’s it look like?

Pete It’s a dog. You know, four legs, tail, barks …

Bob What sort of dog?

Pete It’s (he describes the dog)

Bob No. Good luck. Can he swim?

Pete Yes. Loves the water.

Bob That’s a shame. Can’t even be sure he’s still on the Island, then.

(Pete trots off, still looking for his dog)

(Josephine enters, with drinks for Bob and Joan)

Josephine Bromeliad tea and a seaweed shake.

Joan Lovely, thank you. I love kelp frappé.

Josephine (Turns and sees the bra sticking out of Crabs pocket). Ah! It is you! You have been stealing my underwears! Look! (She pulls the bra with the clothes-peg still attached from Crab’s pocket). C’est ma brassiere! It was stolen from my clothesline last night. It is you! You thief! (Hits him with the bra).

Crabs No, no, no, no, no! I found it! It was hanging on a tree not far from here and I, I thought it looked like one of yours, so I brought it back for you.

Josephine ’Ow do you know what my bra looks like?

Crabs Well, I don’t really but you are all sort of (he makes curvy shapes in the air) while most of the other ladies are more (he makes rounded shapes in the air) so I just sort of assumed - and I was only trying to help. Anyway, is it yours?

Josephine Yes it is. And you keep your hands off my underwears in future!

Crabs Wouldn’t dare touch it with a long fishing pole from now on.

Marmaduke What are we going to do to stop this terrible floating airport idea?

Josephine Ees not a terrible idea. C’est bien! Business will improve and we will have so many much more visitors.

Lyn Firstly, Josephine, I think they will have their own cafés at the airport and then the passengers will be eager to get onto the mainland and they won’t be coming here. Although, it might be nice for us islanders to go and try out a different café from time to time, what do you think, Jessi?

Jessi I’d come with you Lyn. Of course, I would. We could invite the other ladies from the social club …

Josephine Mais non! It is much nicer here. (She walks off in a huff)

Bob The ferry would like it. They’d pick up a lot more business.

Lyn Oh! Didn’t I mention? The mayor was taking about building a bridge to link the mainland and the airport so – no. I clearly heard her say: ‘They have been talking about building a bridge from here to the mainland for years’. Isn’t that right?

Dave Yes.

Jessie That’s what she said.

Josh I heard that.

Bob They can’t do that! We have been talking about it for years! Saying we don’t want it!

Lyn Unfortunately, she also said: ‘Don’t worry. This will happen regardless of what you want.’ Isn’t that right?

Dave Yes.

Jessi That’s what she said.

Josh I heard that.

Bob To think I voted for her!

Lyn Yes. And she’s just doing her job.

Dave (Interrupting) I’m in two minds about this. An airport could be good for the area…

Lyn Are you out of your mind?

Dave Ummm. Honey – we have a problem.

Lyn What?

Dave It could cost us over three thousand dollars if the airport doesn’t go ahead.

Lyn What? I don’t understand?

Josh Dave and I both bought shares I that company, Barbelé Bateau. I bought five thousand dollars’ worth.

Dave And I bought three thousand. And the price has gone up already. Look.

(Dave brings out his mobile phone and checks out the stock market).

Dave See, Barbelé Bateau. It’s gone up again! Now it’s worth $8.10. If we bring down the company, we’ll lose all that money.

Lyn Serves you right!

Dave That’s our money. Three thousand dollars. It’s more than doubled already, to six thousand dollars! You want me to throw it all away?

Lyn Owowowowow!

Jessi Yes. This is an Island Paradise and that’s why we moved here. I don’t want it spoiled. I prefer to lose the money. They can keep it.

Dave You’re sure about this? Once we start, there’s no going back.

Josh That’s right. If we pull out, if we stop the airport, then we lose all our investment.

Jessi Tell me again, how much did we invest?

Josh Five thousand and it’s currently worth ten thousand – give or take a bit.

Jessi Owowowowow! No cruise, ever, for the rest of my life.

Lyn Jessi, you said it yourself. We live in an island paradise. How good can it get?

Jessi You are right! (Turns to Josh) But you will hear about this later!

Josh Every day, forever.

Jessi No – I mean, that you did it for us and then you let it all go. That’s why I love you!

(Josh and Jessi hug)

Dave What about me?

Lyn Oh, I love you too.

(Dave comes in for the kiss with arms outstretched and big kissy lips – but…)

Lyn Gerrorf! I’m not kissing you out here. Everybody’s looking.

Jessi I think if we are going to get anywhere, we are going to have to organize a protest.

Josh Better still, we need a very rare plant, or butterfly or something that is endangered and we need to protect. Ideas, anyone? We need something special. Maybe a rare bird or a sea creature?

(A mermaid swims past (her belly is on a skateboard) she doesn’t say a word, just swims across the stage. Only Josh sees her).

Josh No, that’ll never work.

Lyn How about koalas?

Jessi You told me that we don’t have any koalas!

Lyn Yes we have. I’ve got a stuffed toy one sitting on my bed. And it is very lifelike. I bet if it was nailed up a tree, nobody would ever know the difference.

Jessi Oh. I’ve got one as well.

Marmaduke Me too.

Lyn If we got you blokes to nail them to trees, then suddenly we’ve got a koala population that has to be protected! That could work. Okay, here’s the plan: Everyone come back here in an hour with toy koalas and ladders and we nail the koalas high up the trees and then we promote the Koala Count and then we have a reason to make sure the planes stay away! Good plan?

Marmaduke Great plan! I’ll see you back here soon with my koala.

(Everybody leaves and the sign ‘Island Life Café’ is removed). (To one side, Pete walks by, softly calling his dog and muttering, Where are you?)

Scene 2

(Two kitchen chairs and a small table are put on stage. There’s a crab pot by the table leg. Steven and Simon are sitting down, disheveled, in their underwear, nursing hangovers).

Steven I’m … gunna … kill … that … Cray … when I see him … again. Oooow.

Simon Crabs.

Steven Where is he, anyway? I paid for breakfast. Owww. That home-brew of his is sure potent. My head may never recover.

Simon I know. I had a nightmare last night.

Steven Really? Don’t tell me, please.

Simon I dreamed I was sleeping with you and in the middle of the night, you gave me a cuddle and called me ‘sweetie’.

Steven Eeeeee! That was a nightmare.

Simon And you tried to kiss me.

Steven No I didn’t. It was a nightmare.

Simon That’s what I said.

Steven So let’s forget it and don’t dream of me again. I need a coffee. Is there any here?

Simon I had a look but all I could find was ground gumnut coffee. I tried to make a cup, but all the bits floated.

Steven I’m going back to bed. Wake me when I’m sober.

Simon Good idea. Me too. When we wake up can we go to that café and have a real coffee?

Steven Yeah. Okay.

(The two men exit)

Scene 3

(Stage is set as before for the Island Life Café front. Enter from S/L Crabs bearing a sign that reads: SWEARSWEARSWEAR NO SWEARING AIRPORT HERE! And enter from S/R Marmaduke holding a toy koala. Tim follows her).

Marmaduke Morning Crabs. What have you got there?

Crabs It’s a protest sign, innit?

Tim (reads) Well, it certainly sends a message. Where’s the demonstration?

Crabs Well, here, innit? This is where the problem is. This is where the protest is. It stands to reason.

Marmaduke I came to drop off my koala. Do you know who is nailing them up the trees?

(Enter with great difficulty, Josh and Dave carrying a long ladder that keeps getting caught on everything. Josh has a mouthful of long nails)

Dave Ah good. Got the first koala. The others will be along in a minute.

Josh (with a mouth full of nails and still holding the ladder) I wofe a legga to da Feral Minifer, eggspreshin’ my croshnesh.

Marmalade What?

Josh (Puts down the ladder and removes the nails) I said, I wrote a cross letter to the Federal Minister. That should stir up some action!

Dave You haven’t lived here long, have you? They don’t know we exist – which, generally speaking, works well for us.

(Enter Lyn and Jessi, each carrying an armful of koalas and one pink elephant. They show them off, then put them in a big bag).

Josh Well, that’s going to keep us busy.

Crabs An’ just in time, too. The Koala Count is still on. This time I’ll have something to show ’em!

Jessi What have you got there, Crabs?

Crabs That’s my protest banner. I made it this morning, for when we protest.

(An airplane flies over)

Lyn Excellent idea! What does it say?

(Crabs holds his banner aloft and it says SOLD by (Someone Local) Real Estate)

Jessi I think that’s the wrong side?

(Crabs turns the sign around so they can read SWEARSWEARSWEAR NO SWEARING AIRPORT HERE!

Lyn Much better. Crabs, are those men still at your place, the engineers?

Crabs ’Spect so. They can’t hold their beer. Four drinks and they was dizzy like little girls. They fell into bed and when I left they was still snoring.

Lyn Because I think they should go on another Koala Hunt – only this time, a successful one! Dave and Josh will be nailing the koalas up in the wetlands area so take them up there later and make them aware that we have koalas here. Then they can’t deny that they’ve seen them.

Crabs I don’t ’spect they’d be wanting to pay another fifty dollars. Not after yesterday.

Lyn Crabs! Do it FOR FREE!

Crabs Aw right, aw right, aw right.

(Offstage we hear Pete calling his dog and two men talking. Enter two Council Officers with a bag full of pebbles. They tip the pebbles onto a table and pull out a bottle of turpentine and some rags and start cleaning the pebbles. Everyone watches).

Marmaduke Ummm… I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what are you doing?

Officer 1 Council have sent us over to remove graffiti.

Marmaduke But, those are pebbles. And you are …?

Officer 2 Removing graffiti. Onerous business. But it’s got to be done. All this willful vandalism and destruction! It’s terrible, terrible! Look at this. (He holds up a pebble that has been painted with a decorative design).

Officer 1 We have found these elements of destruction all over the island. One search along the main beach area and I think we’ve found …how many?

Officer 2 Eight.

Officer 1 Eight!

Jessi They are just painted pebbles. They are left for the tourists to find. That one’s mine. Pretty, isn’t it.

Officer 2 Are you admitting to this vandalism, madam?

Jessi Why? Who are you?

Officer 1 We are subcontracted by the council’s Graffiti Offence Departmental Services -or GODS for short. And we are here to clean up.

(Enter Pete. He is still holding the collar and lead and looking for his dog)

Pete Morning everyone. I’ve still lost my dog.

Dave Pete – word to the wise. Council officers there. (He indicates with his head)

Pete Oh! (He shoves the lead up his T-Shirt)

Marmaduke Pete, in the meantime, take this. This will help make you happy again. (She shoves the pink elephant into his arms and shoos him off. Pete leaves cuddling the elephant).

Officer 2 Did I hear him say that he’s lost his dog? That’s an offence you know.

Josh I thought you were GODS?

Officer 1 Yes, we are. But we are also Animal Control UNited Team, called ACU….

Josh No, no, no, you don’t need to spell it out. I got the picture.

Officer 1 ACUT, for short. Why, what did you think I was going to say?

Josh Doesn’t matter. Anyway, I heard Pete ‘Lost’ his dog. He’s still grieving. That’s why Marmaduke gave him the pink elephant. Dave, we need to get going.

(They struggle off with the ladder, Tim follows carrying the bag of koalas)

(Josephine enters with a cup of tea).

Josephine (to Marmaduke) I’ve got your regular for you, kelp with gum leaf infusions. Pooh! What’s that terrible smell?

Lyn That would be the turpentine that the GODS are using.

Josephine Not in my café, they don’t! Zat terrible smell will drive all my customers away. You haven’t even ordered anyzing!

Officer 1 I could do with a drink.

Crabs You blokes look like you could do with a break. Why don’t you join me on a walk around the wetlands? I usually charge $25 each, but today’s on special as I’m taking another party round. Only $5 each. What a bargain! You don’t want to miss that.

Jessi No, you don’t. You give me those graffitied rocks and I’ll take them home and clean them off for you. You have a break.

Officer 2 Come on, that sounds like a good idea. Let’s do it. Can we have some drinks to go?

Josephine I’ll get you an island special. (She leaves and returns with two small bottles). Jellyfish Sprite. Nobody seems to want it so you can have it for free if you leave now.

Crabs I’ve got to fetch the other two blokes and then we’ll get started.

(Crabs and the Council officers leave)

Lyn I think Crabs has had a good idea. We should all make protest signs.

Jessi Where will we get the placards?

Lyn Same place Crabs did – hanging around outside of houses?

Jessi Oh! What a good idea.

(Marmaduke, Jessi and Lyn leave. Josephine clears and wipes the tables). (Remove the sign Island Life Café)

(Offstage. Pete, moaning, "Come on boy. Daddy's worried about you")

Scene 3

(In the wetlands. Crabs, Steven, Simon, Council Officers 1 & 2. They are looking for koalas.)

Simon Look, there’s another one. That’s (checks clipboard) seven. Seven! I’ve never seen so many koalas in my life. This is amazing.

(They are all looking into the distance when a rustling attracts the attention of Crabs. He turns and sees a large branch being thrust out; a stuffed koala is nailed to it).

Crabs Ah, here’s one you missed!

Simon Ooooh. He’s really close. (Simon reaches out. Crabs slaps his hand away).

Crabs No touching! They are an endangered species, remember. Anyway, they have a very nasty bite. You could get infected and lose your hand.

(On the other side of the stage, another stuffed koala on a branch is thrust into view).

Simon This one’s got a baby! Awwwww. (He reaches out. Crabs slaps his hand away).

Crabs No touching, remember. If that male one sees you, he could come over here and rip your bloody arms off!

Steven He’s not big enough to rip Simon’s arm off.

Crabs Well, it might take a while and you’d have to stand still, but eventually, he’d rip it off.

Officer 1 And of course koalas are protected under the RAMSAR treaty.

Simon They’re protected under a ram’s arse treaty? I don’t understand…?

Officer 1 RAMSAR. Real Australian Mammals Saved And Rescued. RAMSAR!

Officer 2 (Whispers) Did you just make that up?

Officer 1 Might have…

Officer 2 It’s good. I’ll have to remember it. You know koalas aren’t mammals?

Officer 1 Sssshhhhh! They don’t know that.

Steven I think I’ve seen enough. That’s nine koalas now. Good enough to last me a lifetime, I think. Now I need breakfast. Where’s that café? Crabs is treating us, aren’t you Crabs. We paid for bed and breakfast, as I recall.

Crabs Ah, well, Josephine will have finished breakfast by now. But she’ll do you a cup of coffee and a biscuit if you ask her nicely.

Steven And probably a plate of bacon and eggs to go with it. Come on, before I start wondering what koalas taste like.

(Everyone leaves to get to the café)

Simon (Offstage) Look, look, look, look! There’s another one. Is this my lucky day or what?

Scene 4

(At the Island Life café, people are milling about, organizing their protest. Lyn, Jessi and Marmaduke are all carrying signs with slogans: ‘PROTECT OUR FISH FROM AIRPLANES’. ‘TAKE YOUR AIRPORT AND SHOVE IT’. ‘I AM A BIT ANNOYED’. On the back of all of them is a For Sale or a Sold sign from the local real estate agent. Pippa and Josephine are running around with plates and cups, serving everyone. Crab’s sign is leaning in the corner).

Marmaduke This is a good turnout. Now what do we do? It’s not like we can march on Government house.

Jessi No. We’d all drown before we got there.

Lyn Let’s take pictures and post them online. If I take shots from different angles, it would look like there are more people here.

Joan Wait, more people are coming. (She points).

(Enter Crabs, Steven, Simon, and Officers 1 & 2. They are exhausted after their long walk around the wetlands).

Steven If I never go in any land that’s wetter than my own back yard after a heavy rain for the rest of my life, that’s fine with me. You can keep your wetlands from now on.

Simon We saw eleven koalas. It was wonderful!

Lyn (Quietly to Crabs) We only had six. How did you manage that?

Crabs Ah, well, that’s a trade secret that is. Oh, all right. You go up one path and see a koala. Turn around. Come down another path and then see it again from a different angle. They never worked it out!

(Josephine comes out and takes the order from Steven and Simon and Officers 1 & 2)

Josephine What can I get you gentlemen?

Steven Two coffees, bacon, egg and chips, thanks. Crabs is paying for us two.

Officer 1 We’ll just have a coffee each and make it a real coffee. No more Island Specials, thanks. That last drink we had tasted rancid!

Josephine Of course it is rancid. That is part of the fermentation process.

(Josephine leaves)

Steven (Notices the signs) What’s going on? Is it a celebration of some sort?

Lyn It’s a celebration of you lot not building an airport! Show him, everyone.

(Everyone picks up their placards. Steven reads).

Steven ‘PROTECT OUR FISH FROM AIRPLANES’. ‘TAKE YOUR AIRPORT AND SHOVE IT’. ‘I AM A BIT ANNOYED’. Well, that lot is truly terrifying.

Crabs And this one. I’ve got a placard, too.

Steven ‘SWEARSWEARSWEAR NO SWEARING AIRPORT HERE!’ Crabs, you are a master of dissent. Who’d have thought? Trouble is, your mayor is on our side.

Simon She’s even bought shares in the company – so she’s not going to let it all fall through.

Steven Sssshhhh!

Dave Hang on, isn’t that insider knowledge? I didn’t think that was legal?

Steven It is perfectly legal if the person buys the shares in a subsidiary company that has no connection – that you can see.

(Josephine returns with 4 cups of coffee)

Josh You are saying that our mayor bought shares in your company, Barbelé Bateau?

Steven Yep. Ten thousand dollars’ worth.

Lyn Our mayor? She bought ten thousand dollars’ worth of shares in Barbelé Bateau, because she knew she would make money if the airport went ahead and so she was determined to make it! That’s, that’s that’s …

Steven That’s a good investment strategy. Stocks have gone up 300%.

Josephine Zat’s a strange name for a company. What was it again?

Steven Barbelé Bateau.

Josephine But, en français, that means ‘Barbed Wire Boat’. My father, ee used to say when we were in trouble, ee says: “You are up sheet creek in a barbed wire boat.”

Jessi Unusual parenting style, but he makes a point. So, who would call a company Barbed Wire Boat?

Tim Probably somebody who expected it to sink, most unpleasantly when the stock holders found out that there was no such company?

Josh But it was gaining on the stock exchange!

Tim Only because you were buying shares. And you said that the mayor was buying the most. This is a scam!

Steven No, no, no, no, it isn’t.

Marmaduke Yes, yes, yes, it is and now everybody knows that the airport can’t proceed because you have seen the evidence of the koala population and they are protected …

Officer 1 That’s right. By the RAMSAR agreement …

Marmaduke Yes! By, by, that thing that he just said.

Dave We want our money back.

Josh Yes. You cheated us.

Steven No I didn’t. You listened into a private conversation and made your own judgement.

Crabs (Aside to Josh) He’s got you there. Alright, let’s do this Island Style. On the mainland they’d call the police, you’d be in trouble, then you’d get some fancy solicitor to get you out of trouble and then you’d disappear. Well here on the Island, we do things differently. Rope!

(Two lengths of rope are produced and both Steven and Simon are trussed up with enough rope to go from shoulder to feet).

Steven Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into! (To Crabs) You can’t do this!

Crabs I think we have. Alright, the usual? You Council Officers had better skedaddle. This ain’t going to be pretty.

Officer 1 No, it’s okay. I’ve heard about Island Justice. And anyway, they aren’t protected by the RAMSAR agreement.

Simon Why not? We’re mammals!

Officer 2 But you two look more like snakes in the grass, to me.

Crabs Come on, take them away to meet their doom! Tonight, we feed them to the banshees!

Simon No! No! No! I don’t want to be fed to the banshees! I’m frightened of the banshees. What can we do to make it all right?

Dave You can give us back our money!

Steven But we can’t do that. It’s on the stock exchange. You have to get someone to want to buy your shares.

Dave What are they worth now? Let me see.

(Both Dave and Josh look up the Stock Exchange on their phones).

Josh Gosh! It’s now $8.15 a share!

Dave We’ll put it up for sale at $5 a share. Go on. Sell it.

Josh But, but, but…

Dave Just do it. I have a plan. There! Mine’s on the market. (Dials a number. We hear a telephone ring).

(Off to one side, as if she is in her office, the mayor’s telephone rings. She answers it)

Dave Hello – am I speaking to Gillian?

Gillian Yes. And I’ve told you before, I don’t want any of your solar panels.

Dave No, Gillian, it’s me, Dave…

Gillian Dave? (whispers) Dave, I’ve told you before not to call me at work. You never know who’s listening…

Dave I think you might be confusing me with another Dave. I’m Dave on the Island. We spoke to you yesterday, about the airport?

Gillian Oh yes. Well, you can rest assured that it is going ahead. I have already convened a committee and they have commenced their investigations and will come up with a positive report in the not-too-distant future.

Dave How can you be sure their report will be positive?

Gillian Ha-ha! Don’t be silly! Now what can I do for you and how did you get this number anyway? It’s unlisted.

Dave Really? It’s plastered across the gent’s toilet. Anyway, I rang because we here on the island…

Gillian Yes?

Dave have got together and talked about this airport…

Gillian Yes?

Dave and we all think it’s a great idea. (Behind him, everyone goes mad. He waves and shushes them). So, I just thought I’d ring you and let you know. The Island is all for it and you won’t get any hassles from our end. I’ll look forward to seeing you next election time.

Gillian Well, that is wonderful news. Thank you very much!

(They hang up and Gillian exits)

(Everyone objects loudly)

Lyn Dave, what did you do that for?

Dave I told you I had a plan. She’s buying shares. Well, suddenly a whole lot of shares have come on the market at a bargain price. Ours! Let’s see if she takes the bait.

Josh In the meantime, what do we do with these two?

(In the distance we hear the cry of curlews).

Crabs I still says them banshees are hungry. We haven’t had many tourists over this year.

Simon Nooooooooooooo!

Steven If you get your money back, and a profit at that price, you agree to let us go.

Marmaduke (sniffs) Personally, I’d prefer it if we didn’t poison the banshees. I say we put them on the ferry and make sure the skipper has instructions to NEVER let them back on the island.

Simon Can’t I come back? I want to see the koalas again.

Everyone NO!

Steven I’ll be glad to leave. Nothing’s gone right since we got here.

(Dave and Josh’s phones PING!)

Dave Oh! My shares have sold. And I’ve made about $1,500 profit!

Josh Mine too. And I’ve made just over two thousand! The mayor must have bought them.

Tim Serves her right for being greedy.

Lyn It looks like everything is going to turn out alright after all.

(A plane flies overhead. Everyone cringes from the noise)

Jessi Oh no! I’d forgotten about that.

Marmaduke What are we going to do about that?

(Enter Nick)

Nick Hello, I hope you don’t mind, but I couldn’t help overhearing. I’m Nick by the way. Nick Crosby. I’m from the Ministry Of Aircraft Noise Emission Soundwaves. Or, MOANES, for short. And I think we have a solution…

Jessi Whether we like it or not?

Nick Oh, I think you’ll like this. I’m recommending that we alter the plane route by a mere five degrees north, which will redirect the planes East by about one kilometer, missing the fishing grounds and by amazing coincidence, this island too. While I was here yesterday, I went to see your local Real Estate Agent and she showed me around this lovely island – and I bought a house here. So now I’m an Islander, too!

(Everyone cheers)

Lyn So now we really do have a happy ending!

(Everybody sings and dances). (Split the lines between the actors). (During the song, Steven and Simon wriggle out of their ropes and they join in the dance).

(To the tune of “In the Summertime” by Mungo Jerry)

In the summertime when the weather is hot

You can stretch right up and touch the sky.

When the weather's fine

You got fishing, you got swimming in the sea.

Have a drink, have a laugh.

Life’s as good as it can be.

In the wintertime when the weather is cool

You can walk on the beach and play with the kids

When the tide’s out you can paddle

you can clamber on the rocks.

When the sun goes down

you can sit and tell stories round the fire.

Life is good, yeah,

Dee dee dee-dee dee

Dah dah dah-dah dah

Yeah, we're hap-happy.

Dah dah dah-dah …

(Pete comes running in)

Pete Stop! It’s not all good. I’m not happy! I’ve still lost my dog!

(From the back of the hall)

Voice Don’t worry – I found him.

Pete (Calls the dog and the dog comes running up to him) Now it’s all good!

(Everybody sings and dances). (Split the lines between the actors) (Hold up signs with the words so the audience can join in).

In the summertime when the weather is hot

You can stretch right up and touch the sky.

When the weather's fine.

You got fishing, you got swimming in the sea.

Have a drink, have a laugh.

Life’s as good as it can be.

(Mayor Gillian enters and dances at the back)

In the wintertime when the weather is cool

You can walk on the beach and play with the kids

When the tide’s out you can paddle

you can clamber on the rocks.

When the sun goes down

you can sit and tell stories round the fire.

Everybody sing! (Encourage the audience to join in)

Dee dee dee-dee dee

Dah dah dah-dah dah

Yeah we're hap-happy

Dah dah-dah

Da daby-daby daby-daby dah…

Dee dee dee-dee dee

Dah dah dah-dah dah

Yeah we're hap-happy

Dah dah-dah dah

Da daby-daby daby-daby dah…

(Everyone takes a bow while still singing)

(When Tim takes a bow, he flourishes his ukelele and strums “Smoke on the Water” and strikes a pose like a rock musician).

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Play Notes:

Names may be changed.

Places may be re-named (it doesn’t have to be Brisbane)

The dog is not named or described because the dog will belong to a cast member who will call it. The dog is called in at the end of the show and then leashed.

Cafe sign: If it is hung, then attach creepers to the back. Then it doesn't have to be removed, just flipped around.

This play is copyrighted and may be read. To produce it, please contact the author and seek permission. Thank you.