Internal Struggle

Internal Struggle

The water below crashed against the rock walls beneath me as I stood, gazing over the horizon. The blood still dripped from the knife I held in my right hand. “No going back.” I thought to myself.

“You didn’t have to kill him.” A voice came from over my shoulder. “He didn’t have to die.”

“You know he had to. He was weak. He was holding us back. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be running in the first place.” I said as I continued looking over the sea and onto the horizon. “It’s just us now.” Nesta put her hand on my shoulder and gripped it firmly.

“Do you understand what you have done? What you are saying? He was one of us.” She said with a stern look on her face and a tone that could cut through glass.

“What are you two talking about? Can we just lie down and rest? It’s going to rain soon and the cold breeze is coming over the water.” Breen called out from the tree line behind us.

“Breen you are always resting. You know who’s chasing us! We shouldn’t even be standing here right now!” Nesta shouted. She turned back to me and grabbed my other shoulder. “We have to leave. Now!” I turned my head slowly and nodded. With one last sigh, my body turned and walked towards the sloth of a man that was named Breen. He was leaning against a tree with bags under his eyes and a droopy face.

“Come on Breen, Nesta is right. We can’t stay here anymore.”

“You know we are going to die no matter where we go.” Breen spoke as he yawned. “So what is the point in running or fighting?”

“Maybe we can fix this. Or find a way to get out, or run away. Far away.” Nesta said frantically as she sped past us both and into the woods.

“Come on, Breen. Let’s get moving.” I slid the knife back into my belt and followed the fiery woman into the dank dark woods where there was no sound, nor wind. The air was still and the smell of mossy wood drifted into my noise. I could see Nesta’s frantic mind race as she held her head in her hand and her hair was twisting through her fingers. Breen, on the other hand, was dragging behind with his head hanging down. The small path was cut between two lines of trees that made a perfect path with very little over growth to step across. “What are you looking down for?” I called back at him.

“There’s really no point in looking up right now, is there?” Breen replied. “It would have been better if we had just stayed on the coast line and waited for everyone to find us there. Now Nesta is leading us through this forest where we could be lost for all we know.” Although he was complaining and his tone was mellow at best, I couldn’t help but agree with him. Why did I kill Felix? I thought to myself. “Oh that’s right. It’s his fault we are running. If it wasn’t for him we would still be home, together.”

“I see a break in the trees!” Nesta cried out. “It looks like there are a few houses down the hill aways!” I started jogging to where she was standing between a large bush and a small tree with overgrown leaves. “I am sure one of them would house us for a little while!” She exclaimed with a smile of relief on her face.

“I will do the talking. We both know how you get when you think too much. We all start to have issues keeping you from destroying everything.” I told her.

“Once we are down there, I am taking a nap.” Breen spoke aloud as he crept to our side. “I’m tired of all this running and it isn’t even midday yet.” He peaked over at Nesta, “And you should definitely not speak. Let the angry one handle the business. If he gets set off then at least the house won’t burn down. With Felix gone I don’t see how we could ever stop you from having one of your breakdowns.”

Nesta glared back at him, “Shut up you sloth!. It’s not my fault people always seem to take the more defiant route.”

“Nevertheless,” I spoke out. “We cannot be too quick to judge these people.” We need a place to hide for now. Follow me and keep both your mouths shut.” We slowly made our way down into the small basin. The clouds were gray around us with shades of black circling overhead. Why did I do it? Why was it so important to kill Felix? I thought to myself. He was the rope that connected us. If he had just stayed to the plan and stayed away from her! I reached down to my daggered and slowly wrapped my hand around the blade. The cold steel still had the muck of blood staining it. As my hand squeezed, the pain subsided, and small drops of my own blood fell over the leaves. Calm yourself. He deserved to die. He was just in our way. He outgrew his purpose. I thought.

As we crept closer to the wooden houses Breen slowed and started to walk behind us.

“On second thought, I will stay back here and just lean against this tree while you two solve our housing arrangements.” He threw his bags on the ground and propped his back against a large oak tree just on the outskirts of the houses. “I also don’t want to be in the way if one of you breaks on these poor souls. Might want to hand over that dagger.” He glanced up at me before closing his eyes.

“Lazy swine! Why do we keep him around?” Nesta whispered angrily.

“Believe it or not he’s incredibly difficult to kill or get rid of. He just stays in the group. Felix fed him like a stray dog and now he just won’t leave.”

It was quiet once we approached the smoking chimneys, though we still could hear rumblings inside. With a quick breath I knocked on the dark wooden door. Within a few seconds I heard small feet scurrying towards the door. “Stay calm.” I softly spoke to Nesta who was standing with her hand on her short-sword’s hilt. “We don’t hurt children.” Soon the door swung open and revealed not one, but two little ones; no more than five years old.

“Hello stranger! May we help you?” The tension eased from my shoulders as I bent down to a knee to look them both in the eye.

“Hello there! Are your parents home?” I asked softly with a forced smile. The children giggled and looked at each other with their knuckles clamped into their mouths.

“They aren’t home right now but please come in! The sky shows a storm is coming.” One of them spoke through their filled mouth. I stood and turned towards the still tense soldier behind me as she tried to hide her jitteriness. She looked into my red tinted eyes with a look of concern. I flicked my eyes towards the sleeping jester who stayed behind to sleep on a tree trunk. Nesta rolled her eyes and rushed back towards the outskirts of the village. I turned back around and bowed my head. “Thank you, young ones. We will not trouble you long; just until the storm passes. Do you know when your elders will return?”

“Any moment now!” They both said together as one.

Well that’s not strange at all, is it. I thought to myself as I entered the doorway, but not before I heard a loud crack towards where Breen had been laying. Just once, maybe, she could wake him up without breaking something over his head. I thought to myself.

The inside of the house was incredibly vacant. The fireplace flickered and there was only a table with four chairs around it. The walls were bare, yet had darker marks on small spots as if things were hung once long ago.

“Would you like something to eat, traveler? We were just about to set the table.” One of the children asked politely.

“Just in time too! The rain was beginning to dampen my nap.” Breen spoke while he reached his arms out to stretch and showed his oversized belly beneath his tunic. The young children began pouring bowls of stew for themselves and one extra one for me.

“Good sir, I must inform you that your head is dripping red. Are you hurt?” One spoke out, pointing at my face.

“Oh I do apologize. It has been a long journey.” I glared over behind me as Nesta and a flare of anger shot towards her. She let me come in with blood on my face! I thought as she shrugged and continued inside as the drops of rain began pattering on the roof.

“It also looks like you are wounded! Your vest is cut and coated in dried blood! Are you sure you do not want us to look at it for you? Only until mother returns, of course.” I put my hand up in protest.

“Thank you for offering, but I will be fine.” The two sat around the table and invited me to join while Nesta and Breen sat against the wall. Breen was sprawled out taking up all the space he could while Nesta leaned her back against the wall and crossed her arms with her head bowed down to the floor with her eyes closed as the rain bouncing off the roof filled her ears.

“It’s not much, but it’s warm.” The small boy said with his big eyes and a smile from ear to ear as he dropped a small bowl in front of me.

“Thank you. I cannot remember the last time I had such a host.” I looked down at the bowl where the cooked meat floated on a light broth. Without thinking I began devouring the long awaited meal. I did not realize how hungry I was until now. How long has it been since I have eaten like this? I thought to myself.

As I finished the bowl and laid back I began to notice the children both staring at me with their doll eyes and their hands clasped within themselves. The room began to spin and within seconds all turned to darkness. I awoke with the sun shining and the birds fluttering all around the house. Where am I? I thought to myself and sat up. I reached to grab my head but stopped short as I realized a change in how my own hand looked. They weren’t as coarse and cracked. I feel so much lighter. A loud boom came from the doorway. My legs bounced me to my feet as the children rushed through with arms wide open, embracing each leg with a large hug. What is this feeling? Warmth? My mind raced until a shadow broke the light coming from the doorway.

“Good morning, my love.” The voice spoke out in a cheerful tone.

Her voice sounds like angels singing.I thought.

“Come on, father! Lets’ go play now! You promised!” The little ones cried out as they jumped with joy, still holding onto each leg.

Father? What is going on?

A soothing feeling rushed over me as the angel's voice echoed once more from the doorway. “Yes, my sweet husband. Go play with your children. The morning is beautiful.” A smile broke over my face and all the weight had left my arms and legs. My heart began to pound with excitement. My legs could not move fast enough as I rushed out with the children towards the doorway. As I passed a mirror hanging on the wall, my feet stopped like they were being held by tree roots. My body turned and my smile vanished.

“Felix?” I spoke out loud.

An even larger smile grew on the man in the mirror’s face. “Hello, old friend.” He spoke. “Enjoying all this? The warmth? The joy? The excitement?” A chuckle began. I stared into the mirror with horror forming more and more present on my face.

“You... you are dead!” I shouted. “I killed you!”

“Yes, yes you did, my brother. But do you not remember? We once shared the same destiny. This world was to be ours. That feeling of your heart pumping miles at a time is called love. Do you remember it? We had that once. A family with loving children and a wife who gave us unconditional support and nurturing.”

“Shut up! It wasn’t real Felix! It was an act! She betrayed you! They all betrayed you! I was done holding you up whenever Breen or Nesta brought you down! It was mercy that drove my knife into your chest!”

Felix calmly tilted his head and stared back into the burning eyes glaring at him. “Mercy? I’ve never taken you for the soft type. I know what burns inside you. That fire that never dies. You can kill a thousand men. Yet still you would want more. More people beneath your feet. More people crying out your name as a hero. That fire will kill you, my sweet friend.”

“You know nothing!” I yelled out and bashed the mirror with my fragile fist. The glass fell to the floor and the image vanished. Yet, the chuckle remained. “Where are you, Felix?”

“I am everywhere. Watching, waiting. Showing you what could have been. How at peace we all could have been. But you took that from us.”

“She took it from us! It was all of them! Every last one of them!” My knees hit the cold wood floors as I began punching at the shards of glass that had fallen. The blood collected and began to run under me. “Let me out! Let me out of here!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as blood dripped from my eyes where tears would have been.

With a large boom from the thunder outside I awoke and jumped to my feet. Beads of sweat broke across my face and dripped onto my legs. I looked around frantically to only see Nesta and Breen still where I had left them with no children in sight.

“Nesta, Breen, wake up. Where are the children?” I asked sharply. Breen woke up and snorted.

“What children?” He said with a long yawn. “Did you have another nightmare?” I looked over at Nesta and the same question was spoken from her face.

“There were no children here. The house was empty. Remember? You knocked and the door swung open. We stepped in and you decided it was best to sleep until the storm passed. I stayed on lookout for a while until the storm got heavy enough to where I couldn’t hear anything outside. I must have dozed off shortly after that.” I walked over to the doorway and peaked out towards the rainfall.

It was so real.

“We need to get moving. We don’t know how long we have been asleep for. You worry me with the dream you seemed to have had.” Nesta spoke as she walked up next to me. “They will be on our trail by now.”

“I saw Felix in my dream.” I said while my hands still shook.

“Felix? No. You killed him. Drove your dagger through his chest.” Her eyes began to bounce back and forth while her mind raced. “We need to leave. Now.” She said as she turned to pick Breen off the floor.

“Don’t you touch me woman! I don’t need your help!” Breen said as he batted Nesta’s arms. “Can you just end it for me? Honestly! What is the point of all this running? There is no hope for us now. If you kill me the suffering will end! The ongoing pain will finally end!” He began to shout at me.

“It would give me so much pleasure to cut you out, Breen!” I shouted back. "But all three of us know that is not the path we need to take. Between Nesta and myself we would set this world on fire without you, or Felix.”

“And who’s fault is that? You are the one who took it upon yourself to end Felix. What would one more piece matter in killing me?”

Blood continued to drip beneath my tunic from my chest and collected on the floor. “I will not kill you.”

As we walked out of the home and glanced around through the rain and the trees, all we could see were shadows shifting with the wind.

“Nesta,” I began to speak.

“I know. I’ve already thought this through.” She spoke as her knees began to tremble. “We are doomed.” She began to frantically pant as if she couldn’t catch her breath. Her arms dropped and her eyes widened.

Breen walked up next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “You and I both know what is going to happen. Once they show themselves you are going to kill as many as you can. But why fight? There is no hope. Just smile and accept that. Give up this ongoing fight inside of you. We all need to rest now. No matter how hard you fight them, you won’t be able to kill them all.”

“He’s right.” Nesta exclaimed. “But there is so much we need to do. So much more we have to accomplish! But… I just can’t move my legs to stand. We are going to die here!” Her breathing quickened as beads of sweat broke across her face. “We don’t have enough time to run. We can’t fight them all…” She continued rambling to herself as her mind vomited everything out all at once.

“Sir!” a loud voice cried out from the top of the hillside. “We have come to collect a bounty placed on you for the many accounts that have not been closed on your previous offenses.” A horde of men began to approach through the tree line with thick armor covering them from head to toe. I looked all around the basin.

“They are everywhere.” I said as I broke out into a grim smile. “No more thinking. Just let me loose!” I took one hard step forward and drove myself towards the high hill. Men charged in droves down at me shouting. “I need to kill them all!” As they clashed against me I swang at everything I could hit. Many men fell but I was soon overwhelmed with the massive force that was pushing against me. Blood soon covered my face and arms as at last the horde threw me to the ground. A giant sword hilt smashed against my face. Then all went dark. The silence was comforting. No more metal clashing, or ringing in my ear. No voices whispering in my head. The anger that once knotted in my chest and the painful hole in my stomach disappeared. So this is what death feels like. I thought to myself. How peaceful.

“You are not dead.” A voice echoed through the silence. “Breen told you to just let go and end it for yourself. Do you really think Nesta could shut down her rapid thinking by herself?” The voice began to chuckle. “You and I both know it is never that easy. You’ve tried killing me. But how can you kill what lingers in your mind?”

A loud crack broke the silence as my eyes shot open. My hands were bound behind me and the chair I was sitting on was cold with wooden splinters sprouting from each split.

“You are a hard man to track down. We are here to pass judgment on you for crimes against the state. Do you have anything to say?” A large man spoke, standing in front of me with a large ax in hand.

“What crimes have I committed to gather such brutal hospitality?” I spoke out.

“You very well know the deeds you have brought upon yourself to enforce this outcome. You are given a choice. You may repent and fall into exile; forced to live, alone, on the furthest reaches of this land. Or you can choose to die in this place.

“Just let it go.” Breen’s voice whispered in my ear. “If you die now there will be no more running. You can say goodbye to all of this. You can start anew in a world far beyond this one. We all would be at peace again.”

“We have to get out of here!” Nesta’s voice echoed in my other ear. “We still have so much to do. There is so much that still needs to be achieved!” The franticness in her voice made my heart pound faster. “We cannot sit idle anymore. If we end now there is nothing we will leave behind!”

“Do you really want that, though?” My head shot up to see a familiar face standing in front of me looking down. “My brother, how far we have fallen. You and I were one in the same not long ago. We had the same aspirations with nothing but life to be had.”

“Felix, we both know this was your fault. You created me; made me like this. You even felt the need to bring Nesta and Breen along our journey. I hate you.” My grip tightened and my body tensed.

“Always about the hate.” Felix shook his head. “You can fight all you want. Your bonds will not be broken.” Felix said as he knelt down and placed his soft hand on my face. “I forgive you for what you have done. But now you must realize, you cannot kill me without killing yourself. We are one. Do you not see? Do you remember when we were young? Playing in the sunlight where the grass grew green and wind blew through our hair? There was not a care in the world. It was simple then. Where did we stray apart, I wonder.”

“It was when you chose to open yourself to others. Feeding the ones less fortunate than ourselves. If you had just stayed with me, none of this would have happened.” I said with anger through my teeth as Felix crouched, smiling at me. He lifted his arms and wrapped them around me.

“Let it go. Let your feelings fall into me.” The room grew dark once more. My chest slowed and all I could hear was the calming breath of Felix. Nesta’s voice faded along with Breen’s. “You can stab me as many times as you would like. I will always be here with you. We both need each other.”

Maybe I do need him. Maybe this is how it should be. I thought to myself as the warm embrace fluttered through my skin.

“No!” The shout of Nesta cracked through the quiet air. “Do you not see what he is doing? Remember what he did to us! He made us a monster! It is his doing that you cannot sleep! It's his fault I cannot stop this never ending story in my head!”

“We all must fall. It is the only way to end and start anew.” Breen spoke out softly. “Aren’t you exhausted from all the running and fighting? It seems that’s all we have been doing. Fighting for more; running from the things that chase us. When will it be too much if not now? If we break out we will still be running. If we go to exile we will be trapped alone. The only way out is to start over somewhere else. We need a new start.”

“We need to fight and continue on! There is something better for us! We just need to keep going.” Nesta cried out.

The large man with the ax grew closer. “Make your decision. Or I shall make it for you.” He said, bouncing his ax up and down in his hands excitedly.

“All of you need to shut up. Stop talking. Stop everything. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!” I yelled out. “Fine! Do it! End it all! Get them out of my head!” I screamed frantically with tears running down my face. With one long swoop, the ax was lifted and came crashing down onto me. All went dark again and faded into nothingness. It’s over. It’s all over now. I can finally rest. I thought as I could feel my soul drifting down farther and farther. Letting all the worries fade and sink away. It's so quiet….and empty here. My body was like a feather, but there was one feeling remaining. I feel cold. Empty. I am all alone…forever.