Im Ready Now.

I stood at the bow of the boat with my hands white knuckling the handrail. I looked at the sea ahead of me. Feeling the wind and spray of the ocean on my face. I closed my eyes and just took it in. For the past 6 months I have been living with the knowledge that my death was imminent. The heaviness of leaving my son, of not watching him grow and become the man I know he will be, suffocates me everyday. How does one come to terms with it? The ache inside me festers with anger and defeat. With despair and fear. Knowing there is nothing else I can do. My time was almost here and I was not ready! I wanted to scream it wasn’t fair. I wanted to cry and beg but nothing3 would change it. Instead I opened my eyes to the ocean again and took in deep breaths trying to calm my thoughts.

“Hey Christa, are you ready?”

I turned to face my best friend Stephanie. She has been by my side through it all. The doctor visits and the hospital stays. The bad days and the worst nights. Now along with my husband, she has made my Make-A-Wish come true. The reason she was on this boat with me, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, about to free dive with a Great White shark. I smiled at her though I knew she noticed it did not fully reaching my eyes. This really was my dream come true, but no matter how much I had dreamed it, knowing I was only able to do it because I was dying, kind of took some of the magic out of it.

“I'm ready Steph, Thanks for coming with me. I couldn't think of anyone else I'd like to be by my side for this. Are you ready?”

“Ready as i'll ever be.” She pulled me in and hugged me, I squeezed back just as hard. “I love you Steph..” I whispered to her and i heard her breath catch as she whispered back

“I love you too Christa, now let's make this dream a reality.”

We got geared up and then went over the safety measures again with our shark guides.

“If you ladies are ready, I'm happy to introduce you to our Carcharodon carcharias we will be swimming with today. She was sighted and relayed where she may be for us and it was decided she would be perfect for your dive Christa. Her name...is Deep Blue.”

I sat there speechless. My mouth dropped open and i just stared at the guide. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think I'd be swimming with the largest female Great White Shark. “You, you are serious?” I whispered, my voice husky with awe.

“I sure am, and if you're ready she is nearby just waiting to meet you.”

“Oh, I'm so ready,” I told my guide, finally with a genuine smile.

We dove into the crisp blue waters of the Pacific Ocean past the Hawaian Islands. It felt surreal swimming in such a vast openness. Knowing that miles around there was nothing and that anything could lurk below. We stayed behind the guides so that they could steer any shark away from us if needed but my excitement knew no bounds. My heart pounded as I looked around waiting and craving the presence of the legend.

I turned my head to the left searching for any sign she was near and froze. I forgot to breathe for a moment because there she was. Deep Blue. Estimated to be 20ft in size she was magnificent. She came out of the shadows effortlessly, camouflaged from the sun's rays breaking through the waves. She left me spellbound. Entranced. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Her size, her beauty, her color, her movement, her power. Everything just drew me in. She swam gracefully closer to us, turning slightly as she began to circle us. When my eyes met hers, I became lost in the dark, intense depths of her eyes. The glint of dominance in them. Knowing that she was the Apex Predator to us and that she allowed us to gaze at her gloriousness. The most flawless creature I had ever seen. I continued to keep eye contact with her as she glided around us. Just taking in everything she had to give to me. All the strength and endurance she has had throughout her life in the ocean, she amazed me. I felt her deep within. I became at peace with everything my life had given me as I stared into her eyes. Lifeless some had said, but what I saw in her eyes were immeasurable depts of life and freedom. She was pure, ocean energy. It was a changing moment for me and I adored her for it.

Later on as we left to head back Stephanie came up to me and asked “Was it everything you could have hoped for?”

I smiled and remember the feeling inside me I had as I started into DeepBlue’s eye. “Yes, she was everything and more. I'm glad I got to experience this. She gave me peace , Steph.” I couldn't keep the tears from my eyes as I turned and looked my best friend in the eyes, and told her, “Im ready now.”