I will never move on from you

"You are saying you have moved on from me?"

"It is not as simple as you state. We don't get to put our heartbreak in a box and leave it behind us. We take it with us and learn how to integrate it into who we are becoming in the next chapter of our story. I haven't moved on from you. I have just moved forward with my life. You are a big part of who I am, and I take you; I take all that is us with me as I move forward. You are still very present in my life. I see you in bright sunny mornings, in dark cloudy afternoons, in beautiful star-filled nights. I find pieces of you in every song. I smell you in every flower. I seem to hear your laughter always in my mind, ever so faintly. Your face screams at me from every crowd. You're everywhere to me, and at the same time, you're not. It's a bizarre feeling to be haunted by someone who is alive. I may have moved forward, but I will never move on from you, Marla. I still get jealous of the sun, which always gets to kiss you good morning, of the wind which gets to mess up your hair, of the strangers who get to see you even for just a few seconds, enough to marvel at your eyes or your smile. I will never stop loving you, Marla. I have just learned to live without wanting you. I will never move on from you, I have just moved on from the pain. "

"You really no longer want me, Tommaso?"

"Marla, for years, you sang a song that I only I heard. "

"Do you no longer hear that song, Tommaso?"

"I still hear it, and it is still a beautiful song. I just could not live my life hoping to dance to that song with you any longer. I still love you; I always will, but I can't let the music of my past dictate my dancing as the music of the future collides with my present."

"Are you saying it is too late for us?"

"Princess, years ago, on a spring night that would forever alter my life, I watched you walk across a room toward me; from that moment, all I ever wanted was you. The day I met you, my life changed. I have never, and probably will never be able to put it in to words, but the way you made me feel it was awesome. I fell deeper in love with you every day. At that time, we were so young; we hadn't started our lives. Now, most of our life is behind us. We are in the late autumn of our lives. All the maybes, all that could have been, has passed. We will always be friends, and I will continue to always be there for you, and I certainly will always love you. To be honest, I don't believe I can live without loving you. But, I am finally not in love with you. After dinner, you are getting on the train and going home.

"You did not say you are happy."

"No, I did not. At one time I had visions of a life with you here in Paris. However, the Paris of our past is gone. You are gone. I came to a Paris that no longer exists for me. Paris, where I would feel the great artists seep through my veins, Monet, Van Gogh …where I would enjoy breakfasts of flakey croissants topped with melting chocolate , where pastel-colored macaroons would delight my tastebuds. Pink blossoms in April gardens would fill my nostrils with sweet, floral promises of love and happiness..and the smell of coffee from small cafes would overpower your ever present vanilla scent. . It was to be the happiest I had ever been. I never lived that life. What I got was you, Marla. You seeped through my veins every moment of every day. Sitting across the table from you, I chewed and swallowed those croissants, but I never tasted them. All I could taste was you, all I could smell was you. I wanted to be your everything, I ended up becoming your nothing. Because of you, the happiness I so very much wanted never came. Brielle is an amazing woman, and things are great in my life now. I am at peace. I am not telling you I am as happy as I always imagined I would be with you. Perhaps that happiness existed only in my mind and was never attainable. I don't know. I am still searching for so many answers. I am learning so much now that my mind is clear. One thing I have learned is that sometimes the person we want the most is the person we are best without. I am at peace now, and I share that peace with Brielle. This is my life now, I share a life with her. Don't I deserve somebody who isn't confused about the feelings they have for me? I had to stop holding on to a dream of a life with somebody who was not holding on to me."