I Want a Door

I sat in the living room beside two of the family cats and looked out the large bay window. It was late Saturday morning and I had already completed two thirds of my Saturday routine. I had already done my Saturday cry (you know, to cleanse), and had just finished my Saturday morning cartoons. And so it was now time for the newest of my Saturday routines: staring blankly out the window for no less than twenty minutes.

I was in “the cat room” and there were seven felines in the room with me. The space had once served as a noble living room for this ancient, crumbling house, but has since been demoted to a room that is specifically dedicated to our cats. It is now a dark and messy, yet cozy room with a sad, lazy couch. It also sports a peeling armchair, a plethora of fur covered cushions scattered here and there, and a large number of homemade cat perches that have been hammered into the already cracking walls.

Yes it's true, the room had been furnished solely for our cats, for it is also true that they are no ordinary cats. They are, in fact “the nine cats of Lilith”, and they are (supposedly) deities. They are said to be the “eyes-on-earth” for the otherworld, as well as guides for the chosen living. (Or at least that's what mom and dad tell me.)

My psychiatrist, however, tells me that the cats are my parents’ way of replacing my older sister, Haley, who died a few years ago (it wasn’t pleasant). She was murdered (by herself). And so my parents blame themselves (as parents do).

So it is, then, that we now have a plethora of these awful cats lazing around the house, shedding fur everywhere and stinking up the place whilst being pampered like little kitty Marie Antoinettes... (Meanwhile I’m getting my dead sister’s hand-me-downs and hamburger helper for dinner.) But don’t get me wrong, I really, truly, do like cats. Or, at least I did. One might say I loved them, even... before there were nine of them.

And so there I was. Sitting on the couch. Doing the staring that was blank next to the cats that were even blanker. And absolutely nothing was happening. It was one of those rainy days where cars just kind of float down the street, like the whole world is just one large underwater ballet. And time, it seemed, was floating in the exact same way.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be a cat, I thought to myself. That was, after all, why I was doing the looking in the first place. I was trying to figure out what it might feel like to be one of these royal felines. I thought that if I found this out, then I could perhaps start to act like them. Then maybe, just maybe, they would accept me into their world as one of them. And then it would be on to the final step of my plan.

I would "get close" to them. I would get so close to them, in fact, that I would finally figure out what the hell they were doing in my house. I would finally find out why these nine cat spies of Satan’s ex-lover chose our crumbling house. Our rotting family. And I would maybe, just maybe, find out why the fuck they were pissing on me in my sleep.

Mom says it's because I’m special. She says that I might be the chosen one. That this is perhaps a cleansing ritual in preparation for my exaltation. I think back to my last conversation with her.

“My exaltation to what, mom?” I’d asked.

“Well, I don’t know, pumpkin. They are angels from the otherworld, after all. They know so much more than we could ever comprehend. But, I’m sure it's something good. Something better.” She smiles. "Maybe you’ll be able to comprehend it after it happens, sweetie.”

My parents started using these cutesy names with me (like pumpkin and sweetie and potato) after Haley decided that checking out early was worth the price of leaving me alone with them.

“Well mom, I’d like to figure it out sooner rather than later. And it would be nice to have some support. After all, you’re not the one being pissed on in your sleep! I want it to stop, mom. I want a fucking door.”

“Sweet potatoooo, you know how we feel about doooorrs… They cut us off from each other! We hardly saw you and your sister when we had doors. And we already got you that beaded curtain thingy, which you know we weren’t thrilled about! We have to compromise sometimes, my darling. And besides, Lilith tells us that the cats need to have access to every room in the house, if this is to be their palace.”

“Lilith can suck my dick, mom. And so can these fucking cats! They’re not mystical beings. They’re just little assholes.”

Mom was wearing her signature look now: a painted-on-smile accompanied by eyes that look like they want to be shut, but are indeed being forced wide open, “Well, sweet child, perhaps they can sense your negative attitude towards them. Maybe that’s why they’re peeing on you.”

“Wow mom. I thought you thought I was ‘the chosen one’?”

“Well, I did sweetie. Until I heard how you feel about the cats. Now I’m just not too sure. Like I’ve always said, we can never know their plan for certain.”

And that was that I was there: kneeling on the couch with my chin resting on its back, our absurd conversation swimming through my head.

I watched the empty street and tried to remember to do that thing. That slow (yet almost aggressive) blinking thing cats do. I whispered out loud to myself (and to Haley), “Happy now? Do you see what you’ve reduced me to? I'm becoming as ridiculous as them."

And then. Just then. As if god were telling a joke. It happened.

With the first blink I swore I felt something. It was sort of a “dozing off and waking up at the same time” kinda something. I knew I was still in the same time and place… But I also knew I wasn’t.

And on the second blink I really saw something: a glimpse as I opened my heavy, slow-motion eyes. A rush of large, shimmering, trouser-wearing cat. It was quick. So quick, in fact, that I almost didn't think it real... Yet I'm quite certain that it winked at me, a sly little gesture as it disappeared into the lilac bush.

And lastly (but not leastly) with the third blink I truly heard something. It was a very faint something, but I swear it was there, all the same. I heard a sound, a sound that hummed underneath every other sound. It buzzed beneath the rain and underneath the cars that swam by. It sang with the ticking clock and with the creeping of the house. And I could even hear it there, beneath those sounds. Those awful sounds. Those sounds that came from two doors down, every Saturday morning. Those sounds of my doorless parents, quietly (and dutifully) in the midst of their routine: Their "Saturday morning consummation for Lilith" they called it. Those sounds. Those sounds that were suddenly... miraculously... bearable.

Yes, I heard the sound, and it was barely there at all amongst all the other sound. But I heard it, and I heard it unmistakably. And I heard what it was doing, and what it was doing was it was purring. It was purring and it was everywhere, resonating quietly beneath the surface. It was so quiet, in fact, that you probably wouldn’t have even heard it at all. But I did. I heard it. And I know without a doubt that it was there.

The cleansing, the looking, the blinking, they finally must have worked! Great Lilith, they had worked! A wave of relief crashed over me, and I realized I didn’t have to hate anymore. I didn't have to hate my parents. I didn't have to hate the cats. And I thought to myself, “Everything does happen for a reason... and my parents aren’t nutjobs!”

Yes, everything suddenly made some sort of sense. Perhaps Haley knew that my parents would go looking for a replacement for her. Perhaps she knew that they’d stumble upon Queen Lilith and her magical cats, and that the cats would rain down their magical powers upon me while I slept. Maybe she knew that I was the chosen one!

And so it was that I was there. And oh boy, was I there. I turned to the two cats on the sofa, smiled at them, and scooped them into my arms. My new, loving arms. I got down on the floor, curled around them in a fetal position... and cried. But this time it was a happy fetal cry (so different from the one just hours before). For the world was finally one. Finally, it had blossomed. Finally it had become what it was always meant to be: one giant, all-encompassing, meaningful vibration. And I was (at last) a part of it all.