I Promise I Will Always Be There For You

To my greatest treasure, so precious and forever grateful to have in my life, Norah.

Before I get into any recent events, I need to apologize. There hasn't been a day that I haven't noticed how sad you've felt and how frustrated you've been with everything. I may never be able to fit in your shoes perfectly to understand exactly how to hurt you've become, but I know enough to know you're broken.

My sweet, sweet Norah, I am foolish to say that I never expected you to become even more torn. You haven't been given a normal life where you wouldn't be tugged by family, had to sacrifice, and had to believe that love and affection are conditional and unrealistic. My ever so wrongfully hurt wife, this should never have happened to you and I've come to feel that I've played a major role in this.

Everyone constantly pushed you aside, everyone took their frustration out on you and nobody came to pick you up. There was no home here for you, and I, having done nothing to change this, only made things worse. I'm sorry that I too had little regard for what you were going through, but it does not mean that I would have done the same if I had not realized sooner what could have possibly been shattering that poor heart of yours.

I feel like I've broken you, and I just want to mend all of it. I don't care who did what damage nor do I care as to how much wasn't my doing - I want to take away all of it. I want to turn back every second where you felt unloved. I want to clear your bright skies of dull clouds. I want to hush the silent screams in the middle of the night. I want to remind your little heart how much love it truly deserves so your tears of sadness become tears of joy.

Ever since you ran away I've been miserable. I haven't been able to sleep, I haven't been able to study, or look anyone in the eye. I've felt so ashamed. To be out there in the world alone is indeed itself lonely, but for you, I think it would come to hurt more realizing by leaving that you are less lonelier out there than the place where you should feel that you belong.

I became even more scared because of this as I could not think of any reason for you to want to come back. Why would you? After everything! I would have thrown myself to the floor if something had happened to you and I had never gotten to show you how much I do in fact adore you! Life would be hell! I would spend every afternoon watching the gates for you to come home - each time I would be choking on every loving word I should have told you and having my tears constantly remind me of the mistake of not doing so. Each day will wither away my heart of mine because I will know that the one thing it's always loved won't want to come back to it.

Norah, when you came home I was ready to cast everything away just to give my love to you - just so you would stay! Just so you knew someone was waiting! Just so you knew you were loved!

But I was frightened because I saw it. The beautiful little angel I was praying to come home never came. This one lost her wings and felt like she had nowhere to fly away to, nor did she have her glow of happiness. She didn't want to be here, she didn't seem to feel she was welcomed and she still felt that she didn't have a home. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if trying to talk to you would scare you off and I would lose you completely. I didn't know if by waiting you would settle on your own, nor did I want to take my chances by doing so. You're in terrible emotional and mental pain, and I knew that I had to take whatever risk it was that would allow me to get through to you the most. I was going over all my unsaid thoughts and feelings which would come to form this letter. The entire time I came to learn for myself how terrible I've been for letting you go unaware of all of this.

Then you tried to escape again and this time it cut me to see that as a consequence of my delay you were hurt physically. Not only could you not get up physically now, but it is clear you weren't able to emotionally either. I can only imagine how caged you are, and have found you a mess only made it clear how much the world is closing in on you. You don't need this! You don't need to be here reading this letter to know I love you! You need to be happy and free to know there is better! Through this letter though, and especially from what I have to say next, I just hope you learn something that may change all of this.

You can't do this alone. Yes you're so so ever so strong for fighting and I never want to see you stop, but the world is too big to fight on your own. You need someone to shield you and I am so sorry that it's taken so long for someone to offer to do so. You don't need to run away to find someone to love you as you have someone waiting at home! Please, please, please stay at home, Norah! Who out there in the world can love you more, and as long as it takes, I will make you see there's absolutely nothing that will stop me from giving you my unconditional love - even when you don't want it! If you are going to run again just please run to the one place that you now know where you are wanted! Where you are appreciated! Where you belong! Where you are loved! There may not be much room in your heart to accept me but there is so, so, so much room for you in mine and it will always be there for you!

Please stay! All these years you've grown into something I will forever love and I don't want that all to unravel so that you're something that I will forever have lost as well!

Forever not going to leave you without a second knowing that I love you, and forever yours to run to,

Yours most loving and appreciative,

Cindy