I Only Jingle When I Move

Dear mercy, girl.

She does this at least once a week. She was just talking about this on the cell on the trip home, about how she really shouldn't be driving. We all knew that. But we all had to get home, and no one else could drive. Not that she would have asked us. Not that we have thumbs. Whatever.

Girl, drink some water. Yeah, you've chugged a full water bottle, but they say it helps. Haven't a clue who "they" is and if they know what they're talking about but it's better than putting your makeup under the kitchen sink. Yeah, you're not gonna find that for awhile.

Hey! Woman! The ice cream doesn't go in the pantry! It will melt. In a sticky puddle. Then the ants and smell and the...IT DOESN'T GO THERE! Hey! It doesn't...nevermind. Nevermind. She only hears me when I move, and I'm currently just laying here. Me and my lack of thumbs.

She's always losing me--and not because she hasn't put in the effort. She's done the work. I look good, I've been equipped with safety features, all the jizz, but somehow...

That's right. Take the good pills. Though you do say that don't help half the time. What about that piercing that's supposed to help? Sharon was saying it solved all her problems. You could always just try it.

She's honestly really good to live with, she just has a crap body that's always pulling these stunts on her. What she needs is a chiropractor on call. No, what she NEEDS is to marry one. She needs to marry some dude who can pick her up in one hand and crack her neck back in place with the other. If he could help her remember to eat protein once a day, would that be so bad? Is that too much to ask? People give her this kind of advice all the time and because she never leaves home without me, I hear it all. Look I know that some of it probably is annoying but what if it helped! Then we wouldn't all be driving home after work on a Monday with her half-blind from aura-whatever. That. Is. Terrifying. So scary.

Yeah, AURA. I listen.

Bananas don't go in the fridge, hun. They turn black. Remember? Banana bread it is. Maybe you meant to do that. You can go to bed after all this gets put away, right?

Oh! What about caffeine? Oh, no, nevermind. You shakin' now. I forgot about that Dr. Pepper you had on an empty stomach. You really need new habits.

Alright! Done! Okay, now, hang me up by the door so you're not late to work tomorrow looking for me. Hang me up...by the...no, no--the front door is THAT WAY. I go on the KEY RACK! Oh, girl you had better be getting an ice pack...no! No! I do not go in the freezer! Don't you dare! I swear to God I will snap off in the ignition tomorrow when you finally find me! Don't--!