I grieve her.

Two women stand in front of me and stare as I stare right back. One with disdain, and one with sorrow.

One is filled with rage, she cannot forgive me. I was supposed to be her hero, I should have defended her and protected her.

One is disappointed because I have yet to meet her where she is in her beautiful home filled with rose gardens and children.

They both haunt me, torture me, and constantly break me. I wish they would forgive me, my heart is heavy with guilt.

I run as they chase me, stab me, and push me into the dirt. I've grown exhausted and weak from their words constantly filling my mind replaying their disappointment and anger over and over and over again. I feel their presence and I carry them with me on my shoulders and ankles everywhere I go. Even when my spirit tries to travel into the stars her distance is limited as she drags from their weight.

I lay on the ground, bloody and bruised gasping for air as they both kneel on my chest stealing the air from my lungs. I can't get up.. I can't get up. I stare up at them as they stare right back, breathing heavily into my face as they peer into my eyes. As I'm on the verge of closing my eyes and ready to play dead I hear a voice call for me, and I feel the earth below my hands breathing into me.. it's pushing me to keep going. I open my eyes and I glare right back at both women and tell them to get off.

As they slowly move backwards I get up and run. I can hear them sprinting behind me. My heart and mind are racing. I see a dark cave just up ahead and I lunge my body into its darkness. I feel comfort, even in it's cold air. Just for a moment. And then I hear them all over again. Their whispering and growling grows louder. And I am exhausted.

Just ahead I see the light of a torch just outside the cave, and with the last bit of energy that I have I slowly walk towards it. And as I am outside of the cave, all three of us are making eye contact all over again. I've finally had enough. They go from whispering to yelling the most awful things, voicing my insecurities, my regrets, my inner most depressing thoughts.

I finally start to yell back. As they stare, their expressions go from anger and sorrow to shocked and filled with dismay. As I peer closer I see a light reflecting their skin. A mirror, two mirrors, staring right at me this entire time in this hell that I have created.

With the sudden epiphany, I run towards them and push them over. I stomp on every piece of broken fragment and scream, cry and kick them into the air. I feel everything my heart can possibly feel in this moment. grieving the woman from my past and the woman who I thought I would be today.

As I walk away I turn around and see their two coffins appear. I light a match and throw it towards my regret along with my ridiculously high expectations of myself. From their coffins the embers filled the sky and blood filled the ground. I grieve her, and her. My tears met their demise and from that demise grew a garden. And from that garden grew a woman with warmth and love. I fall into her arms, continuing to scream and cry.

I feel so small as she holds me. She allows me to feel my emtions, as the pain spreads through my heart. I look at her and she looks at me. "Allow yourself to feel" she says. Is she my safe space?

She wraps her arms around me and looks at me with the most forgiving eyes.

I look up at her to touch her face and my hand is tiny compared to her rosy cheeks. She holds my hand and turns her head nodding towards to the distance. And as I turn my gaze I see it all, she is me and I am the child from within her.