I am Me; I am the Peacock

I Am Me

I can be a chameleon. My unwed mother was raised by a strict Methodist preacher. To her credit, she chose me over her parents. Sadly, she was too young and couldn’t handle solo parenting (my father was never in the picture), so I was bounced around from one family member to another.

Yearning to belong, I learned to conform to whoever I needed to be for acceptance. That need led to marriage at 14. You guessed it, also much too young, that experience turned out to be another rejection. 

My biggest fault? I think it’s that I care far too much, always putting someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and needs above my own (that need for acceptance, I imagine). 

I love reading and writing. They’re my escape. I adore time with my grandchildren, who give me hope for the future. I’m enchanted by autumn, and have turned out some so-so paintings (ironically, mostly beachy type scenes). I’d like to replace my art supplies—lost while moving—and paint again one day. 

I spent some 25 years as an investigative reporter, making a few enemies along the way. An exposé on National Guard ghost soldiers dealt me a few. I spent a few weeks in Iraq covering the war. It was a terrifying, fulfilling, and humbling experience. 

I love flea markets and garage sales! Giving a second life to the unwanted brings me joy. 

Though I may be a chameleon, when I’m alone, I’m just me.

I am the Peacock

In my dreams, I am anyone but me.

I am the peacock, with feathers so splendid I am the envy of all.

I am the eagle, soaring high in the clouds.

I am the nightingale with a voice to enchant all.

I am royalty: a queen who rules her people well, rather than being under the rule of an employer, spouse, or society.

I am a creature of the night—the good kind, who would never take the life of a sentient being—so that I might live forever to right all my mistakes.

I am an angel dressed in glorious light.

And then, there’s that especially glorious dream, where I am all those things combined into one singular, unique, special being.

I am the most beautiful of peacocks. I can lift high into the sky and fly like an angel, despite the heavy plumage. I’m gifted with immortality, unbound and unlimited by the hands of time and the hours of the day. I have wisdom and power enough that I can perpetually guide humanity to always do and choose the right thing:

Love instead of hate.

Peace instead of war.

Acceptance instead of prejudice

Honesty instead of deceit

Contentment instead of dissatisfaction

Generosity instead of greed

Knowledge instead of ignorance

Patience instead of irritation

Compromise instead of confrontation

God instead of Satan

So many things I could do if I were a peacock with all those special qualities! How I want to be that peacock!

Alas, though, I awake, my dream of perfection lost to the night. I rise, rejuvenated from my hours of peaceful grandeur, yet disappointed.

With daybreak, I’m an ordinary person.

I have no control over the future.

I can't do majestic things for humanity's sake.

I am able to take one thing with me into the day; I decide. Searching through my dresser drawers, I find my T-shirt with a colorful peacock decorating the front. After I dress, I go make breakfast for my little ones.

When my five-year-old runs up to me, sleepy-eyed and mussed from sleep, tackles me around the legs and says, “I love you, Mommy,” I know I’m exactly who and what I’m supposed to be.

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