Humor trio

‘Twas The Night

‘Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the nation

Everyone was asleep

Except me at my station.

The money was put away with safety and care

In hopes that Medicaid would always be there;

And the politicians and CEO’s were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of ridiculous bills danced in their heads.

I was about to settle my brain for a long winter’s nap

When suddenly I was awoken by some sort of rap.

And so I ran to my window in a fit of joy

I know what happens when I hear Solja Boy.

Word of my desperation had finally reached them.

And so they sent the one they call The Savior and all his wisdom.

However I was a bit concerned to look outside and see Sarah Palin.

That’s who they send when everything’s failin’?

She could have used a window or even the door

But I guess when you’re the government, you can’t ask for anything more.

And so down the chimney she came a flyin’

Her husband right behind her complainin’ and whinin’.

And who else should I see waiting not far away?

None other than President Obama in his Escalade.

Oh how his spinners twinkled and gleamed.

I was in some sort of trance or so it would seem.

And when I turned back around Sarah and her husband were nowhere to be seen

All that was left was a copy of her book hidden under the tree.

What was even worse was my stocking was now empty

All except for a note at the bottom that read simply;

“Sorry we had to take your money but we’re in a crisis here.

You should see it again in a couple hundred years.

Don’t worry, we’re the government. Our word is our bond.

Just like social security we will carry on.”

And with a flap of his ears and a short little whistle

They flew away into the night like a pack of heat seeking missiles.

And as I ran back to my window, what to my wandering eyes should appear

But promises of reform and healthcare in this the New Year.

Santa’s List

It’s the night before Christmas and Santa’s checking his list. But this year it’s not a list of who’s naughty or nice; no this year it’s a list of pending lawsuits. Charges against St. Nick include breaking and entering, humane society against use of reindeer, equal compensation rights for elves, flying while intoxicated, and smoking his pipe in public. To top it all off Mrs. Clause was becoming increasingly distressed by all of this and has decided to file for divorce.

All of his money was tied up in litigations, but even worse his insurance premiums had skyrocketed because he was considered obese. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Mercedes found out and decided to impound his sleigh while they made necessary alterations. They had deemed it unfit for a man in his condition. What the hell did that mean?

Now he admits that some of the charges were just bad judgment on his part. Like when he got pulled over for flying while intoxicated. Of course, the officer didn’t believe that someone had spiked the milk. Although it had a funny taste, Santa did not like to waste, so he finished it (a big contributor to his current weight issue). Or when he got charged for smoking his pipe in public. He had pulled over to a 24-7 diner to grab something to eat and while waiting on his food lit his pipe. How was he supposed to know it was illegal? No one said anything the year prior. And luckily there was a charge at a mall that was recently dropped. He asked a mother if she wanted to sit on his lap. He was just joking, but of course no one got his sense of humor.

In a recent interview Jolly Old St. Nick had some words to say that were indeed not so jolly.

“I’ve had people try to poison my milk and cookies and leave fireplaces burning late into the night. There was even a prankster who put laxative into my milk, which spoiled my night . . . I should have just used his stocking as my toilet. Can you imagine waking up and checking your stocking thinking Santa left you coal and then realizing it’s a giant piece of shi – ”

In the end Santa hired a great attorney and decided to sue for royalties of the widespread use of his likeness and name. And everyone who had ever wrong him made The List.

Insurance Parody

Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

Jack knocked over

A candle stick.

His house caught fire

His eyes went wide.

His mind was racing.

This wasn’t right.

His house had burnt to ash

He got out just in time

But it was only the beginning

Of this nightmare nursery rhyme.

What would he tell his wife?

How would she handle the loss?

Good thing he planned ahead

And sold his kidney to cover the cost.

But he failed to read the fine print

And was dooped

By a man in a shiny tie

And fancy suit.

“No health, doc says you’re fine.

No death, you’re dead won’t need that.

You got no coverage of any kind

Should’ve gone with All State.

Better luck next time.