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The sun is shining overhead and the ocean is its normal translucent beautiful blue. I feel the ocean breeze as it runs through my hair. Its sound combined with the woosh of the waves, makes me feel like myself, and I’m taken back to normalcy. It is the most calming noise I’ve heard in months, making me forget why it’s taken me so long to get back out on the water and wonder why I left in the first place. I turn to the shore and I can’t help but smile. I take it all in; the palm trees lining the sandy shore, separating Waimea Bay from the world beyond; the rocks forming a pathway to take you further into the water; the waves crashing once they reach the sand, leaving seashells ashore as the water is pulled back to sea; and the sound of wildlife surrounding the island both on land and at sea. Home, Waimea Bay, Oahu, the place I was born and raised, my heart has been aching for this moment in the months since the incident.

The incident, the thing that’s kept me away all this time. As much as I try not to think about it, it somehow works its way back into my thoughts. But this time, before I have time to think about it, I hear a wave coming, and the thought is gone before it fully forms as I start paddling. I’ve lived in the water my whole life, learning how to surf before I could even walk, allowing me to develop a sense for the ocean long ago. For years everyone would call me a mermaid because I spent more time in the water than on land, this memory comes back to me as I paddle and before I know it I’m up and balancing on my board riding the wave. I close my eyes to feel the wave, it’s been so long but I feel as though a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t been out here on the water. I feel free and happy as my board slices through the water making it splash all around. But then it’s over just as soon as it started, and in that moment I feel guilty of the happiness I felt. I dive off my board, pull it back to shore and drop it in the sand. I sit and stare out at the horizon enjoying the release from the craziness of the island. It’s calming out here, especially this early, the weather scared people away, the forecast called for thunderstorms that have yet to come, giving me this time to myself. I needed this more than I knew, I haven’t faced anyone since my dad picked me up from the airport this morning. They all think I ran away, and to be honest I did, it was better to do that than stay here and deal with the overwhelming grief I felt. And it didn't help that people kept treating me like a fragile glass doll, it just made things worse. I had to leave, I went everywhere and anywhere during the past three months to get away, but it didn’t help. Summer is over now and I have a responsibility to be here with my dad. I shouldn’t have left him in the first place, I can’t keep running from what happened.

I keep staring out at the water and before I know it, I’m taken back to that moment. Mom! Mom! Where are you? I feel helpless, I turn to my right where she just was but she’s no longer there. I’m looking around frantically when I suddenly see her surfboard pop up with a huge piece missing. I scream. I can’t stop screaming. I try to jump in and search for her but she’s nowhere to be found. It all happened so fast. One moment we were laughing and having fun and then the next she was gone. Before I know it someone comes up behind me and pulls me toward the shore. I look to where my mom's board is just in time to see someone else pulling my mom from the water and onto their own board and swimming behind us. Then I see it, the shark that must have pulled her under swimming toward them and I start screaming again. The man pulling my mom turns just in time and kicks the shark in the nose and turns back and swims faster. We make it to shore but the man who pulled me in keeps me shielded from my mom. I finally catch a quick glance before they take me away; I see the paramedics running toward her but it’s what I don’t see that makes me dizzy and scared, she’s missing her whole leg and the blood won’t stop flowing. I look at her face, all the color lost making her look lifeless, I pass out before I see anything else. When I wake, I’m looking up at my dad who won’t stop crying and it all comes back to me. He doesn’t need to say anything, I break down into his arms. She was gone.

It was too late to save her and after her death, I thought I couldn’t stay in a place where every corner I turn and people I see remind me of her, so I left thinking it would be easier. I realized I shouldn’t have left my dad, but my reasoning and reassurance as to why I could was that he was surrounded by and being supported by our community who we have considered family for years. I knew they would take care of him but I didn’t want to have people do the same to me, I needed to heal on my own. And that’s what I did, but I’m back now because I know I can’t run forever and I know my dad needs me, I can’t be selfish anymore. My mind strays away from the incident as I’m pulled back to the present by the familiar noises around me and I’m back to focusing on the crashing of the waves. I had my dad drop me here immediately on our way back from the airport so I could take this moment to be by myself before the overwhelming welcomes and conversations with my friends and neighbors. I knew I would feel her with me while I was here. I missed it more than I knew. A breeze comes through and for a second I think I hear my mom whisper my name, Rikki, and I break down. The tears start flowing before I can stop them and just as I start crying, I hear thunder in the distance and the rain clouds make the morning go gloomy and gray. The rain starts not long after and I see the waves getting stronger, angrier.

I take that as my cue to get up and leave but for some reason I’m pulled toward the ocean and I grab my surfboard and start paddling out to sea. The water splashes on my face and the waves come in even stronger than I anticipated but I keep going. When I finally look up there’s a wave coming in and I’m in the perfect position, so I turn and start paddling. It’s huge, bigger than I thought and when I jump up I lose my balance and fall. The wave pulls me under and I hit my head on a rock underwater. Everything goes black.

I open my eyes to the sun shining down on me and to the taste of salt on my lips. It takes me a moment to realize I’m surrounded by water and remember why I’m out here. I can’t help but think I should be more injured or even worse… A few hours must have passed because the rain is long gone and the water is calm. I have a headache accompanied by a few scrapes and bruises but I feel more alive than I’ve felt in months, ironic. I sit up and take a moment, then smile and shake my head, “this is where I need to be”, I whisper. At this moment I realized why I ran; it should have been me, I wish it would have been me because I hate living in a world that my mom is no longer a part of. But that was the issue, I didn’t realize that my mom would always be a part of my world, even though she’s no longer here physically, she’ll be here to look out for me in her own way. And as long as I’m here in Oahu, I have my dad and my community by my side. Coming back here was always the answer, the ocean has always been my safe haven and I let that shark take it from me for a few months but now I’m back and I’m ready to take back what’s mine. These thoughts give me strength and when they subside, I paddle back to shore. When I reach the sand I pick up my board and start walking toward town I turn around for one last look and moment of peace before I’m bombarded with the questions and concerns from the people I’ve grown up with and known my whole life. I think I’m finally starting to heal and I realized that running away isn’t what I needed, I needed to surround myself with the people I love and care about the most. I need to be home. I want to remember all that I can and not lose sight of the memories my mom and I shared. This place, these people, they are my home and I won't lose sight of that again.