He Back Up

"Well, I think that was no point from my point of view.." he said suddenly in the middle of the night, sounds like no hesitation in his intention.

I shocked to heard that. It was really out of my mind that I did not want ever to imagining it.

My heart ached as if I had been hit by a sharp object right in the middle. My body felt cold to the point that my fingers and toes felt stiff, and it was hard to move.

The painful bitter memories of sixteen years ago came back to the surface, my heart seemed to feel the sadness that could not be prevented.

The sound of raindrops falling in the night sky further strengthens the memories that occur like déjà vu, plus the distinctive aroma of earth that wafts soothingly after being showered by one of the most important sources of life on earth after air.

I took a deep breath. Trying to absorb energy from the earth when it rains to save it as healing energy which little by little I will use to rub internal wounds.

Again, I inhale slowly, and exhale slowly, I inhale again and exhale again several times until I feel quite calm, I also close my eyelids gently.

I just knew with guessing, what does it means for him..

I just like have some gut, feeling, intuition that everything was not okay at all.

Previously, both of us are fine I guess. We already talk like we used before, also I felt we made some movement that makes both of us more closer.

I really enjoyed that moment, when we share our deepest feelings and thoughts until desire together. And the important thing from it for me is the feeling of gratitude. Both of us also felt bonding and connecting.

I guess, we are fine, just fine...

I guess so...

But, I became do not really felt it anymore, since his words about 'no point'...

I feel like I've been shot. Right in the bottom of my heart. I was forced to surrender unconditionally.

It may seem like suddenly, but actually it was not all of a sudden..

Yeah, both of us had an argueing before, unhealthy argued that was built of some kind of challenging way in dangerous act for our future relationship.

Actually I really did not know why he act differently, not like usually he does. He seem changes in any ways. Also he already give me some hints before for sure, that I realized after I thought more about it.

From that arguing, I felt he just want to attacked and hurt me deeply. He turned to be so difficult, cold, could not to be reach easily. That moment brings us with no communication then. Start from him, he definitely clear want make a silent treatment for me.

Quite long way for us to reconnected to talk again. And it means that I should take initiative first to 'touch' him. I choose for accept it, tried to proceed all of the obstacle in our journey, and then I take an actions to admit and asking an apology.

He respond the initiative from me as a 'gift' of appreciate even only a temporary. I also appreciate his effort in making our reconnecting so comfort like in our safe place. We talk, laugh, joking, feel close until almost crying together.

Then, again in peak, like one shot from the big fire gun that aiming to my heart. With no mercy, he makes my heart shattered in pieces with his own big fire gun.

Nothing I could do to preventing it, he already make his choice without considering my feelings and tought. Maybe he really do not care as well.

I do not know why and what the heck he pursuing to do that.

Or he just release his grudges with back off...

He just want to do what he want to do, no matter is.

And I really do not know, whether both of us still have a chance to be together in the future or not. Also really do not know yet is it a good way for back off first?

One thing that I knew is I am super shock with that unpredictable surprise from him.

I also feel that I have seen and truly felt the darkest and bitterest side of him that he has given me.

He Back Off.