HAPPY

I believed I had found the perfect guy to fall in love with. John was the reason I fell in love with him; he had faith in me. His smile made my day better. I fell in love with the man who used to call me when I was angry with him and tell me what a crazy coincidence it was that we had met and that he had chosen me out of everyone in the world. I adored the boy whose mention of my name gave me goosebumps. We used to converse for hours on end without getting bored, and that made me fall in love with it.

I loved him for when he danced around me while I was making food for us. I loved his hugs and the warmth I felt. One time we watched a Disney movie with the blanket up to our necks and the biggest smile on my face. Every time there was a funny part we would throw our heads back in laughter and then our eyes would meet and the world would stop. I fell in love with the guy that was there when I thought I wasn’t there for myself. I loved him because he made my world better. I fell in love with John.

There was never a moment when I wasn't grinning while in his presence. The world seemed to halt when I was with him. We used to hug, and I felt everything was OK. I was overjoyed. When I wasn't with him, I felt void, lost, and totally out of it. I wanted to see his smile all the time, even though I knew he was with me in spirit. It was exciting to feel his eyes lock into mine.

We sometimes had opposing opinions, but our little arguments over who was the best pop singer never got between us. His name being called across the room made my heart skip a few beats. I would walk past him and his friends at lunch, back and forth, just to see him laughing. I really loved him.

I never noticed how he never acknowledged me when someone else was in the room. I never noticed how he pretend I was a ghost. When his friends made fun of me, he laughed along as if he wasn’t texting me he loved me at the same time. He hurt my feelings and I came back. I was stupid, but I was in love. He may have used me, but there were little moments that I would always remember that would make me want to just go back. I would do anything just to go back in time, to a month ago, when we were happy.

Have you ever hurt so bad that you just sit and stare into utter nothingness? I loved him. I would've done anything for him, when he asked, I said yes. When he apologized, I didn’t think once before taking him back. He made me so happy and I wasn't going to let me hurt any more than I did. I wanted to smile again, to feel the warmth of his smile as if a thousand suns were shining on us. I didn't want him to leave me, to break me down. But he did, he hurt me.

Now you go ahead and say I'm stupid, but I will always have those happy memories. Seeing him around, still smiling, for a moment I have the same feeling I used to get when I saw him smile. That huge butterfly storm and I smile for a second too.

Then everything hits me, He’s not the one. He doesn't care. I think the hardest thing for me to realize that I cared so much about him, and all I was to him was a girl, who he would take advantage of again, and again. A girl who pined for him, a girl who made him do stupid things, like a slow dance. I was there for him, I listened to all his problems, I comforted him. No other girl ever did that, so why would he leave me for them? What was so wrong with me? He left me.

It always felt like he loved me, I was so blinded. I wish he did have just the tiniest bit of love for me. I deserve a guy who loves me, a guy who sees me and can’t get his eyes off of me. I want that, I really wanted that with John. It kills me to think that I will never have that with him. I will never be loved by him. It hurts so much to know that what you really want, more than anything else in the world, you can’t have.

I couldn't stop imagining the future. I wanted to go head in and never come out again. I wanted the world to stop spinning. I just wanted him and me, alone, yet together. I believe that some things we did weren't fake, I believe that sometimes he did like running around. I wanted to think that he went home and thought about me for hours. Then again, I believe he held me in his arms and counted down the seconds until we parted.

I think I saw him in a different light, one where he was my everything. I now realize he is nothing to me, nothing. Just like I was, and am, nothing to him. Sometimes I used to lie in bed at night and think about him. While being trapped in almost a time warp with him in my mind, I forgot who I was.

Now that we’re done, I don't remember who I am. I don’t know who I associate with, I don’t know what to think, what to do, what to say. It’s almost like I thought about his life more than I ever thought about myself.

Sometimes I thought about what I was going to say to him when we were together, everything was staged in my mind and I was ready to play it all out. I made funny lines and jokes and fell in love with my fairy tales, I fell in love with my version of John.

I made up the ideal guy in my head, what he would do, what we would do. I never thought for a second that, that's not what he does, he never went out of his way. I saw things he did and made a fantasy of them. The perfect story for me. I thought and thought about every perfect thing that could happen, but with the wrong guy. He was merely an object that my mind created into completely different things.

Sometimes, while facing a scary situation, he was there with me. It took me a while, but I realize now that it was just me, talking and doing what I wanted in my mind. I never fell in love with John, I fell in love with happiness.

The situations I made up in my head were all just to make me content. John was just the person who was the physical side of it. I can be happy, happiness is not within a boy, it’s within yourself. What do I think is true happiness, not who.