Growing Up Invisible

# Prologue

Beams of light from passing cars shone across the far wall of the room. Each time, the same scene was revealed. A bare room, a partly dismantled bed and a small figure draped in just a nightie and a towel. Even in sleep, the young girl still showed signs of crying herself to sleep. Dry tear tracks streaked her face and her tiny chest still occasionally rose sharply in memory of the sobs that racked her body only hours earlier.

The wind howled outside, creeping in through the cracks of the walls and under the window pane, sending a chill through the room. Winters in these parts were harsh. It wasn’t unusual for small amounts of snow to fall, although it had been a while since that happened.

Goosebumps covered the small child, hands and feet that were slightly blue from the cold peeking out the edges of the towel. Huddled in a fetal position, even in sleep the girl was trying to find warmth.

Elsewhere in the house, two other children slept. Covered by warm blankets and a soft pillow under their heads, they were sound in their sleep, dreaming of wonderful things. In the lounge room, a woman was asleep on the lounge, also covered by a blanket. Her earlier anger was forgotten, and she slept deeply, oblivious to the young girl freezing on the other side of the house. Her temper was quick starting but short lasting. If she hadn’t been so tired, she might have changed her mind on the punishment she had dished out to her seven-year-old daughter and let her go back to her bed. Instead, her daughter was now left alone, in the dark and cold, all because she was caught talking to her sister when she should have been going to sleep.

Chapter 1

The house was quiet when I woke up. Filters of sunlight did little to warm me up and I still shivered occasionally, although not as bad as I had through the night. I lay on the bed, not moving, nervous about the possibility of drawing attention to myself, unsure about the mood of my mother. The last thing I wanted was for her to start again where she left off last night. I was hoping that either she was still asleep or, if she was awake, that she was in a happier mood.

After laying still for a little while longer, my need for the bathroom eventually drove me to my feet. Creeping along the edge of the room, I slowly opened the door, praying that the creak would be minimal. I stood for a moment longer before gradually making my way up the hallway and slipped into the bathroom. I lingered for as long as possible, but the cold tiles were worse than the bedroom, so I had no choice but to go back.

In the room once again, I curled up under my towel, struggling to find a hint of warmth left from earlier. As I lay there shivering, I thought back to the night before. The early part of the evening had been uneventful. We were all excited because the next day we were moving, hours and hours away to another state. The house was filled with boxes and there was hardly anything left out. I had been playing with my older sister and still had the giggles when we went to bed. Mum had yelled a few times telling me to be quiet but my sister Rachael kept pulling faces at me and so I could not stop laughing.

Despite the warnings, it still came as a shock when Mum burst through the door and yanked me off the bed. Still pulling me by the arm, she dragged me down the hallway to her bedroom. As she threw me on her bare bed, Mum was still cursing and yelling. She stormed over to a box and rummaged through it. As she stood and turned, I saw her thick wooden hairbrush in her hand. That was when I really started to get scared. I started trembling and pleading, knowing what was coming.

As Mum loomed over me, still yelling, I screwed my eyes tightly shut, bracing for the first blow. When it came, I couldn’t help but scream as the pain was worse than I remembered. As the blows rained down, I lost count. My body went numb and my screams became one long continuous wail. Time seemed to stop and speed up all at the same time and I all could do was pray that she would stop soon.

Eventually Mum ran out of steam and threw the brush across the room. She stood looking at me as I lay on the floor whimpering, too tired and sore to cry out loud. Without a word Mum walked out and slammed the door behind her. All that remained was silence. I waited and waited, not moving, barely breathing and trying to listen for her footsteps. I was too terrified to move. I had no idea of how many hours went by before I quietly moved over to where Mum’s bed was. She had already pulled most of it apart so it would be ready for tomorrow. I picked up a small towel I found on the floor and tried to cover myself as much as possible but I was still freezing. I squeezed my eyes closed and eventually exhaustion won and darkness surrounded me. As the last bit of reality drifted away, the last thing I remembered was the pain, the throbbing ache beating in time with my heart.

I was jolted out of my daydreaming when a loud bang signalled the bedroom door being thrown open. I shrunk back in fear, not wanting to trigger another punishment like the night before. I couldn’t help a huge sigh of relief when I saw it was only Rachael standing there, not Mum.

“Mum said you have to come out for breakfast” she said, not quite looking me in the eye.

I didn’t answer, just stared at her. I couldn’t help feeling cranky at the fact that I was the only one that got into trouble, even though Rachael was just as involved as I was. But then again, I wasn’t really surprised. It had always been like that. Rachael would start the trouble, I would get the blame.

Rachael stood there for a few more seconds, then shrugged her shoulders and walked out, closing the door behind her. I got up from my huddled position on the floor, wincing from the aches I still felt. I opened the door slowly and waited, holding my breath while I strained to hear the voices coming from the kitchen.

Tiptoeing gingerly down the hallway, I peeked my head around the corner and immediately locked eyes with my Mum. I froze, like a deer in headlights.

“What are you doing skulking around like a shadow?” she barked at me, turning her back as she reached up to the cupboard behind her.

“Get over here and get your breakfast eaten. We are leaving in 20 minutes and I don’t have time to be chasing after you”

I walked slowly towards her, still unsure about what to expect. I flinched as she brushed past me, on her way out of the kitchen area. But I needn’t have worried. She didn’t even look at me as she went.

Ok, so this is the way it’s going to work, I thought to myself, she’s going to pretend it never happened. Fine by me.

I rushed through my bowl of cereal, not wanting to still be sitting there when Mum came back. I rinsed my bowl and put it in the open box on the floor. I ran into my bedroom to get changed and was back out in the lounge room when Mum walked back in the door, after being out in the garage. I sat on the lounge, head down, arms crossed, just waiting. I wasn’t sure what I had to do next but I was too scared to ask.

Again, Mum didn’t even look at me. She affectionately passed her lips to the top of my little brother’s blonde curls as she passed him, then picked up the box left in the kitchen and called out as she headed back to the garage;

“Ten minutes and we’re leaving. Make sure you have everything. If you forget it, your problem”

I raced around checking under and in everything. There was no way I was going to risk leaving something behind. I was the first one in the car and grew impatient as I waited for the others. I was excited about this change. This is it, things will be different now. Mum will be happy, we will be happy and I won’t get into trouble all the time. I can’t wait!

I stared out the window as we drove away from the house, despite being excited about the move, I would miss this place. I had friends that I wouldn’t see again. We had lived here for over five years after all. Oh well, new life, here I come!

Chapter 2

12 months later…………...

“Josie!!!!!!!!” The voice echoed from the other side of the house and sent chills down. My spine. Oh no…what now?? I started shaking, trying to go over everything I had done, trying to figure out what had made her so mad this time. I followed the sound and found my mum in the dining room, standing next to the record player.

“Yes Mum?” I kept my head down, making sure not to annoy her by staring.

Silence…

I slowly looked up and met her eyes. She glared back.

“I went to play my record, and surprisingly, it wouldn’t work. Any idea why it wouldn’t work, Josie?” Mum’s tone of voice seemed calm, but I knew better.

“Uuhhh…uuhhhh...no Mum, I don’t. I haven’t been near it” I tried not to mumble but history meant I knew this was not going to end well.

In seconds, her face was in front of mine. I could smell the jam on her breath, a reminder of the sandwiches at lunchtime.

“Bullshit! You know EXACTLY what happened to it! Admit it!”, she spat out.

I started trembling, the feel of Mum’s hand on my arm getting tighter and tighter.

I knew that it wouldn’t matter how much I deny knowing anything, she wouldn’t believe me. She never believed me.

I started thinking that if I just admitted to it, even though I didn’t actually do anything, she might not get as cranky. At seven years old, I didn’t understand that it wouldn’t make a difference.

Before I could make a decision, I found myself flying backwards. My head connected with the brick wall, and I started seeing stars. The pain spread throughout my whole body. I could feel something warm dripping down my face and when I reached up to touch it, my hand came away red.

I sat there. Stunned. What just happened? I looked up at Mum, confused.

“Stop sitting there like an idiot and get up” Mum snapped at me, then spun around and walked away.

I waited for what seemed like forever before I even attempted to move. I tried to do it quietly in case she came back. I walked gingerly to the hallway and slowly looked around the corner. No sign of her. I took a deep breath and ran to my room, closing the door softly behind me. I waited anther few minutes, to make sure she didn’t follow me. When no footsteps could be heard, I took a deep breath and walked over to my dresser. When I reached the mirror, I gasped. At 8 years old, I had already lost the “baby” look to my face. My green eyes were wide, and my dark brown hair framed my small face. My shock, however, was from the bruise already forming on my cheek, a long cut across the skin, still slightly dripping with blood. My mum had hit me so hard across the face, she had actually split the skin. It was probably her ring that did it. There were no tears. I had learned long ago that tears only made it worse. Even the pain didn’t feel as bad now that the shock had worn off. Another skill I had learned was to numb myself to the pain. It made things easier, especially when it was happening so often.

I walked over to my bed and sat on the edge. I could see the backyard from here and I could see my sister Rachael and my little brother Adam playing outside. Their laughs floated into my room and I couldn’t help feeling a pang of jealousy, and even a little anger towards them.

Why do they get to be so happy? Why are they never in trouble?

I laid on the bed and curled up into a ball, as tight as I could get myself. As I lay there with my eyes closed, I prayed for sleep. At least in sleep things were better. There was no yelling in my dreams. No hitting. No anger. In my sleep my mum loved me. She gave me hugs, sang to me, held me softly while I slept. My dream mum was perfect.

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes, the shadows in my room were longer. I looked at the clock and realised it had been over 2 hours since “the incident”. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, wincing at the sharp pain in my face. My tummy growled, so I got up to see what was happening with dinner. I deliberately avoided the mirror as I went past. I didn’t need to see it again. I opened my door and took a deep breath. Here we go again.

To be continued…