Grim Hope

Amala sat in her hospital bed, her short brown hair caught in the light of the sun peeking out from behind the rain clouds beyond the window. She did not pay attention to the drip attached to her little body, not the uncomfortable gown she had to wear. She was used to it by now - she had been there a long time. She was not sure how long, but she was sure she had missed a lot of homework. She missed her friends, and playing outside. She wasn’t really sure what was making her sick, but she felt fine at the moment. She spent most of her time colouring, drawing or playing with her doll or stuffed rabbit.

Most of the time she was tired, sore and lonely. She didn’t like the multitude of tests she had to go through, the scans and needles; needles were always the worst. She cried every time and the nurses tried to calm her but more often just made it worse. Today she was particularly exhausted; there was a lot of walking, and she was already weak and malnourished. The day had just taken a lot out of her. She was nearly ready to sleep, but heard a sound that made her smile. She looked up from brushing her doll’s hair as the door opened.

“Hello,” said a little voice. Amala looked up. She knew the one who had spoken. It was another boy from the ward. He never said his name, but he was friendly and played with her. He had wonderful stories that Amala loved to hear.

“Hello again.” She grinned, glad to see him again. He had been visiting when the nurses weren’t around, particularly at night time. He didn’t like the nurses, he told her, and so hid when he got the chance.

“I had more tests today,” Amala told the boy sadly. He was wearing his blue pyjamas, as he always did when she saw him. “I hate tests.”

“So do I.” The boy nodded as he came over to sit on the edge of her bed. “What sort of tests?”

“A scan and a needle.” She screwed up her little face as she remembered it. “There was a scan machine… It looked like like a big one-eyed monster with its tongue sticking out… The nurses told me off because I was afraid it would eat me. The grown-ups don’t get it, how scary everything is!” She drew her knees up to her chest and sighed. She didn’t like how scared she was of everything. The nurses, the doctors, tests, even just being in the hospital itself frightened her. Everything was so white and bare and the lights hurt her eyes. It was never this bright at home. There it was dark, with plenty of places to hide.

Her house had lots of nooks and crannies she could seek refuge in. Her mother collected a lot of things: books, magazines, clothes, boxes and boxes of random fun stuff. They were stacked all through the house, piling nearly to the roof. When her Daddy was cross with her, she often found a place to hide from him. He liked to collect metal and car parts in the backyard, and books, lots of books. Her Auntie called her Mummy a ‘hordor’ but Amala didn’t know what that meant. She just liked to hide and play with the cats. Her favourite was Mittens, a light grey fluffy cat that Amala had looked after since he was a kitten, and their older cat, Soup, had babies. Many of the others were given away, but she was allowed to keep him. Mittens went missing one day and Amala had been so sad when it happened. Her brother had been getting rid of smelly rubbish in the kitchen when he claimed to have found Mittens, but Amala wasn’t allowed to see him. She remembered her brother saying Mittens wouldn’t come back. Amala was even more sad and confused, she loved that cat. Was he mad at her for not finding him? She missed him very much.

She’d told her friend and he had looked sad too. He had been just as sad as she was. He understood her. She had come to trust him and tell him more than she told anyone else.

“Sometimes I like to pretend I don’t have to be here anymore,” the girl confessed.

“You can leave, you know,” the boy told her cryptically.

“I wish I could!” She sighed, then shot him a little smile. “I would eat cheese on the moon and go to a princesses ball every day!” She laughed softly, the boy laughed too.

“You could sail there on a pirate ship!” He grinned. “And you would never have to return!” Amala thought about that for a moment.

“That would be nice,” she muttered to herself, then looked at him. “But it would be good if you came with me.” The boy stared at her in surprise.

“You would wish me to join you?”

“Yes. We’re friends!” she insisted.

“Very well, then it is settled. We shall escape this place together! Leave it to me!” He petted her hand gently then passed her her stuffed rabbit. “Do you want to hear some more stories?” Amala had told him before she had trouble sleeping, but when he told her his exciting adventures, she dropped right off. The girl bounced a little in her bed excitedly, but stopped when she was hit with a coughing fit. But she did manage to nod her head.

“Yes please,” she managed, taking the glass of water he passed to her. “Thank you.”

“You are most welcome.” The boy smiled, but Amala always thought he looked sad. She wondered if it was because his Daddy hurt him too. He put the glass back and took her hand as she settled in to listen. He told her about a magical ship that sailed not just the sea, but in the clouds, where she would be free to see the sun as much as she could. Slowly her eyes lowered and closed, and his words became a vision.

Amala giggled as the fresh, salty air whipped her hair around. She held her little hands up in the air and let out a whoop of joy.

“This is so amazing!” She held her hands out like a plane and zoomed around the deck of the wooden pirate ship. She felt so alive, so free.

“Ahoy matey!” called a familiar voice. Amala’s little face lit up like it was Christmas.

“NANNA!” she cried and rushed over to her. The woman scooped her up and hugged her.

“Come on, little bee, you are the Captain! Where are we going?” Her grandmother smiled. Amala looked around to see there were people with her: her big sister, Stephanie, Mr Hammond, her teacher at school and Grandy too, a few friends from school, and… the boy from the hospital! He looked at her with a mysterious little smile through the crowd. Amala raised a hand and pointed to the sky.

“We are going to have a picnic…on the Moon!” the girl cried decisively. A cheer went up and her friends wandered around to do their work. Amala headed up to the ship’s wheel, the tapped the centre of it twice with her finger, and with a heave and a creak, it rose from the blue water, and began to float upwards into the pink sky.

-*-

Over the coming weeks, she noticed her friend would visit her every day. Sometimes he sang her songs in a funny language, and he began to teach them to her.

During the days, she noticed that everyone seemed even busier than before, so much so that some of the nurses had forgotten to bring her her lunch on more than one occasion.

There were many tests, more scans, more needles. Her friend always came by at the end of every day. He always seemed to know what would cheer her up. On the days she felt hungry he would bring her a big chocolate chip muffin. She would always split it with him.

Amala always looked forward to Thursdays - visiting hours were from 11 until 2, and her mummy would visit her on those days. She used to bring Amala some cookies, ones she made herself. Then she made cake; Mummy said she made it, but only used the containers of the cakes at the shop to carry it. Mummy was very clever to make it look and taste the same as shop cake. Then her visits came later into the day, and they got shorter, too. Amala wished Mummy would come on other days as well, but Mummy said she was always tired and sometimes had other things to do. The last few visits Mummy only brought her a sandwich like the ones in the machine downstairs. Last time she forgot to bring anything.

But still, Amala waited to see her Mummy today. It was not cake or sandwiches she liked, but to see her mother and give her a big hug. 11 o’clock came round - Amala knew the time as she learned it in school. She waited a little longer; maybe Mummy was just a bit late again. Eleven thirty came and went, then twelve passed without interruption. Then one o’clock. The little girl just sat, waiting, hoping that the door would open. Finally it did, but her face fell when she noticed it was just the nurse.

“Everything alright, dear?” she asked.

“Uhm…is my Mummy out there? She was supposed to visit today,” Amala managed in a small voice.

“Oh…I’m not sure, dear, I’ll go and check.” The nurse hurried off. It finally got to two o’clock. The nurse must have gotten busy, because she never returned. Neither did her mother. The girl held out hope right up until the time read five minutes past two. A feeling of cold settled over her, and she lowered her head into her arms. Her little body shook as she began to cry.

She barely ate that night. The nurses seemed worried and tried to get her to have dinner but she didn’t want any. She felt heavy, like she was weighed down and squashed into her bed under a lead blanket. She curled up for ages and eventually cried herself to sleep.

She awoke to feel someone sitting beside her. She looked up, her expression hopeful, but it was only her friend. She felt a little disappointed. Clearly it showed on her face.

“Am I not who you were expecting?” He asked with a little smile, he did not seem bothered by her reaction.

“My…my mummy didn’t visit me today.” The girl mumbled in a shaky voice, her earlier sadness returned; tears stained her cheeks and she was curled up against herself. The boy’s smile dropped. For a moment he looked angry, but the expression was quickly replaced with one of sympathy.

“I am sorry,” he told her. He didn’t say anything else, just placed a hand upon her shoulder and let her take the deep breaths to calm herself. After a little while she let out a big sigh and sat up then leant over and hugged her friend. He petted her head and began to tell her some more stories.

“Once upon a time, there was a child, a little boy, much like you, and he was always outside. He wandered the forests and trails, always climbing trees and rocks near his home, always exploring. He had an older brother who was always having to fetch him. The brother was never one to go outside much, and was often reading or inside and didn’t seem to bask much in the sunshine. They were very different, but cared about each other very much.” A sad look crossed the boy’s face and Amala was filled with curiosity. “One day, the boy had gone out to play, and the boy's father told the brother to go and fetch him for dinner. The boy had been out all day, which was strange - usually he was not out so long. The brother searched and searched. Finally, after a long time, when the sun was beginning to set, the older brother found the boy…at the bottom of a small cliff.” There was a pause and Amala petted the boy’s hand. He continued after a moment. “The child was hurt, very badly, and the brother felt panic and guilt. How long had he been there? The brother rushed to his side and tried to help him, but the boy could not walk. He smiled saying that he was glad to see his brother before he passed.” The boy shook his head. “It was then the brother heard a voice. ‘You cannot save him.’ The brother turned to see the God of Nothing behind him.”

“The God of Nothing?” Amala asked.

“Yes. In those times, the people believed that when you stopped living, the God of Nothing took your soul away to the Underworld. He spoke and told the brother that the boy must go with him now. The older brother begged the God to spare him, and offered to go in the boy’s place. The God thought carefully, and said, ‘If you wish to save him, you must agree to become my servant.’ The brother agreed.” The boy shifted in his seat. “The brother took the boy back to their family. After that, the God took the brother away, and he was imbued with special powers and given grand, otherworldly tools. From that day, the people came to know the brother only by his new name. And when their time had come, Death would be the one to take them away.”

Amala sat in silence for a few minutes. Then she turned to the boy with a smile. “I like that story. The brother was nice. If he came for me, I would not mind.” The boy looked at her in surprise, but then smiled. He sat back and began to tell her some more stories, until she fell asleep.

The next morning, Amala did not feel very well. She curled up in her bed and stayed under the covers; she felt cold and did not want to get up. She heard the door open, but pretended to be asleep. She did not want to talk to the nurses right now.

“Amala?” called a female voice. One of the nurses. “Ah, she must be asleep.”

“Probably for the best, she needs her rest.” That was a male voice, it must have been one of the doctors. “When she first came in...I'd never seen such severe malnutrition in my whole career. God, what kind of life must she have had?”

“You wouldn’t think she was dying from the look of her.” The nurse said sadly. Amala lay still. Dying? She was dying? Her friend must have heard the nurses talking about it, that's why he told her that story! “Is there anything that can be done, doctor?”

“We have run multiple scans, so many tests, there is nothing we can pinpoint, nothing definitive. I called her parents, but her mother hung up on me.”

“She didn’t visit the girl yesterday either.”

“It seems she is unable to face her daughter. Perhaps she blames herself. Or maybe she has given up.”

“That’s absolutely disgusting….” After that, Amala stopped listening. Mummy had given up, because she was going to die. She’d heard adults talk about death, about how scary it was. But Amala wasn’t afraid. She knew the brother from the story, he was Death, and he was nice. If she had to go, well… she would miss her mummy and everyone… but she was sure it would be alright.

It was a long while later that she eventually sat up and ate some of her breakfast, left on the tray by her bed. The nurse bustled in again and smiled at her, the kind of smile people use when they are sad or worried, but pretend everything is fine. Amala had seen her mother use it a lot.

“Hello there, Amala! Good to see you’re awake.”

“I feel a little funny today, but that’s okay. When I leave here I am going to see my Nanna.” Amala smiled. She felt a little better. The nurse gave her another one of those smiles.

“Ah, yes. You know I spoke to the Doctor and he said you’re doing very well. That you might be able to go home soon-- ah, excuse me, dear.” With that, the nurse hurried out of the room.

Amala spent the day drawing and writing. She wrote a letter to her mummy and her friends, and she drew some pictures of some of the people she knew, including one of her friend that visited her. It was a quiet day, one that made her remember everything before it. Today felt like the start of something new.

Amala awoke to the sound of her door opening; it didn’t sound like a nurse. Slowly she sat up and looked over toward the sound. There in the moonlight was the pale face of her friend. The girl grinned happily, but it faded when she saw his sombre look.

“What’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.

The boy let out a gentle sigh. He looked down at the ground for a moment, then back at her. His expression was regretful.

“It is time.” A strange feeling filled the girl, there was a tingling sensation on her neck and a weird cold wash ran down her back. She saw shadows grow darker, and the boy before her began to change. He became taller, his limbs extended, his skin grew paler, and his little dark dressing gown seemed to be alive as it curled around his form, becoming darker and more fluid, as though it were smoke. He towered over her now, looking down upon her as a large shape loomed behind him: wings, two massive dark wings extending from his back. Amala stared, wide-eyed in wonder. She looked up to his face. He was paler, and a man, not a boy, but she knew this was her friend. His eyes were the same.

“You’re an Angel!” she gasped.

“Yes. I am sorry for the deception Amala, but it’s time to come with me now.”

“You’re the older brother from the story, aren’t you?” she asked, gazing up at him in awe. Something in her had resonated upon meeting him. She had known he was special but she found herself unafraid, and not all that surprised. His wings were beautiful. Black as night, but in the dim light of the room, they shimmered with many colours: pink, blue, purple and green. Death was said to be frightening, but Amala did not see that at all.

He nodded, but with a slight frown.

“You… are not afraid.” It was not a question. Amala shook her head.

“The place you have to take me, what’s it like?” In response to her question, he gestured to a light glowing from behind him, stepping aside so she could see the source. There was a doorway, bright for what seemed to be like daylight beyond it. She could see little but the streaming brightness, her gaze shifted from the ‘man’ before her to the door and back again. Suddenly she seemed hesitant.

“Do we…have to?” she asked, her nose crinkled up. The Angel standing before her, bowed his head.

“I am afraid so.” He looked her over. “You want to stay? You told me you didn’t like this place.”

“Well…” Her face showed a look of concentration. “I will miss my mummy. I… didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“I know. I am sorry, I did not think she wouldn’t come.” Amala didn’t seem wholly convinced, and pulled out another crayon and began to draw.

“I better leave her a note,” she said thoughtfully, making careful lines on the paper. “What is it like through there?” she asked the Angel as he waited for her. She still seemed unsure. He offered her a warm smile.

“It is warm, and you can have parties like in your dreams, sail ships and explore castles…” He paused, and his smile widened. “Your grandparents are waiting for you too,”

Amala looked up with a gasp. “Nanna and Grandy are there?!” Her face split into the biggest smile. The Angel nodded. The girl quickly finished her drawing, and laid it neatly on the bed. She took a deep breath, her stuffed rabbit in her arms, and bobbed her head.

“I’m ready.” She walked to his side and was about to take his hand when she stopped to look up at him. “If I go, will you still visit me?” The Angel was stunned.

“You wish still to be friends…?” Never had a human asked him this before, but she nodded enthusiastically.

“You are my friend, you made this less scary.” She reached out and her little hand took his. The Angel stared at her for a few moments, before giving her a wide smile. The girl just grinned back at him, and with that, he led her through the door of light.