Green was his favourtie colour

It’s just after 2 am or that’s what my phone tells me as I once again check the screen.

No one else is awake at this time of night but then again neither should I.

The only noise besides my breathing is the tiny fan that is blowing the night air into my room. The sound calms me but not enough to make me forget about the world around me that is falling apart.

I sigh.

I should really be asleep but it’s so hard to do that when your brain is wired to the what if’s and replaying all the mistakes that your younger self made.

I would guess that’s why people typically don’t stay up so late. It’s just you and your thoughts- which isn’t always a good thing.

I go to close my eyes but feel movement by the bend on my knees. I shift just enough to see that it’s just my kitten.

“Hey little one.” I whisper as I pat her head. She doesn’t seem to mind at the current time that I am petting her, if it was any other time of the day she would’ve started playing.

It makes me smile and I wonder if he would’ve liked to meet her too.

Thinking about him makes me unable to sleep more.

I miss him so much.

I pick up my kitten and sit up in my bed moving so my back is against the wall.

I once again sigh.

I haven’t thought of him in over two weeks, so why now?

I have work in the morning so I should really get to sleep, but I feel tears growing in my eyes and I can’t help it.

I miss him so goddamn much, but we chose our sides and got hurt about it.

I grab my phone and open the notes app where I once again start to write little poems of meaninglessness about our friendship and how butt hurt I am. Maybe this will help me sleep.

It doesn’t so I put my phone down, pick up my kitten and get off my bed. I wander my apartment in the dark, trying to be quiet but my brother’s cat starts howling at me.

I try to quiet him so he doesn’t wake up my brother. Eventually I let him out on our balcony and the cat finally seems to be content enough to shut up. My kitten has climbed onto my shoulder and has begun to purr her little heart out.

It’s comforting but not enough that I could sleep.

I get myself a glass of water and head back to my room. As I go to close the door I notice a sweater that falls off the hook on the back. I put my kitten on my bed and the glass on the side table and went back for the sweater. I pick it up and realize that it was one of his. I’ll never be able to give it back sadly, but I tie it around my shoulders and it’s like I'm being hugged. It’s comforting. I head back to my bed and lay down, my kitten comes and curls up near my head.

I stare up at the ceiling, but notice that I have my fairy lights hung up. I guess I forgot that they were there. I get up once again and turn them on. The white and green lights are tangled with one another. It sends a calming light over my room and it makes me smile as I lay back down to stare at them.

I’m glad the batteries still work, maybe because they aren’t dead it means that he’ll contact me when he realizes that I never meant to hurt him and that it was everyone else who pushed us apart. I want to close my eyes but instead I grab my phone and open a new notes page in the app. I start to write:

His favorite color is green. It’s just after 2 am and I know I should be asleep but all I can think about is how much he made me happy and despite all that happened, I still want him in my life. Green is his favorite color and it's my comfort.