Gee Dad, I Goofed

Tommy Parker was eleven when he found out that most other eleven year-olds no longer wet the bed.

He had been invited to a birthday sleepover party for his friend Tristan and had fallen asleep without remembering to put on his absorbent underpants his mother had packed for him and in the night he had an accident.

It was also that year that Tommy discovered the joys of the magnifying glass.

His father, Daniel Parker gave Tommy the Nifty Mysteries Beginner Sleuth kit for Christmas and Tommy went around the neighborhood solving crimes with it before an older kid from the neighborhood showed Tommy how he could harness the energy of the Sun to burn ants.

After the sleepover bed-wetting incident, Tommy’s interest in dispatching ants increased until he decided one day to find a frog and tape the frog to a piece of cardboard and pretend the magnifying glass was a laser like in a James Bond movie. But just before the beam reached the frog, Tommy’s father came through the door of the back porch and saw what Tommy was doing and grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to his feet.

“Son, what the Devil has gotten into you?” Tommy immediately began to cry.

“I really goofed, Dad, I’m sorry.” Tommy and his dad sat at the kitchen table and Daniel poured his son a glass of lemonade Tommy's mother had made.

“I sure you hope you learned your lesson.”

“I did, Dad. I sure did. I won’t hurt another thing, promise. Scout’s honor.”

“Now you know how important that is to me, Son, swearing on the Scouts — that isn’t something you take lightly.”

“I mean it, Dad. By golly I do.”

“Come here, son.” Tommy’s father held him in his arms then gave him a nudge on the chin with his fist. “Now go get washed up for dinner. Your mother made meat loaf and Brussels sprouts tonight.”

“Aw, gee, sure I can’t just have a Hershey bar instead?”

His father waved his finger at the boy and frowned. Tommy cracked a smile. His father knew he was kidding.

•

In the alley behind Daniel Parker’s butcher shop there lay a man sleeping with newspapers as his covering.

Tommy found him lying there and he just looked at him for a while. Without thinking, Tommy picked up a cinder block and held it up high over his head and even stood up on his tippy toes and he let the block fall onto the sleeping man’s face.

The first fall didn’t work all the way — the man yelped then lay groaning. So Tommy lifted up the block again and let it fall a second time. The second drop was enough.

Tommy dragged the man into the butcher shop and the man left a streak.

"Tommy? You in there?" Daniel had just come back from lunch. "Tommy, what's going on?"

Tommy was sitting on the floor in the cutting room with his arms on his knees and his head down. The slain drifter lay beside him in a puddle of like Merlot that drained into a hole in the concrete floor.

"Goodness gracious. Joseph and Mary." He covered his face with his hand. Tommy was silent.

He looked at the man. His head was...his face was...nevermind.

Daniel was silent. Without looking up, Tommy finally spoke. "Gee whiz, Dad."

"Gee whiz is right, Tommy!"

"I really goofed something awful this time, haven't I?"

Daniel left the room and went right to phone to get Sheriff Wilford on the line.

"Sheriff? Daniel Parker down at Daniel's Butcher Shop. ...Wish I could say I were better. Sherif, there's been an incident here. I think you ought to come quick."

When the Sheriff came in he took one look at the man and said, "God almighty, boy! What in the hell have you done?"

Tommy still hadn't moved.

Sheriff Wilford reached for his radio then changed his mind. He put his hands on his hips. Then he scratched his head and then he said, "This was an accident."

Tommy looked up. Tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Now Mr. Parker, I've known you for a great number of years."

"Sheriff, ..."

"It was an accident, and that's final! Son, I want you to run on home now. Me and your daddy are going to take care of this now, you hear? But believe me, you will be getting a visit from me. Run along home now."

Tommy jumped to his feet and said, "Yes, sir," then scrammed.

The sheriff and the butcher both stood with their hands on their hips.

•

The next day, around noon, there came a knock at the door at the Parker house and Tommy opened. It was Sheriff Wilford along with Pastor Gary from the Church of Holy Angels. They gathered in the living room to talk.

"Now son, I assume you know why we're here," said the pastor. Tommy nodded. "Sherif Wilford here told me everything."

"He did?" Tommy swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Yes he did, Tommy. And I'm here to tell you that stealing is not only a crime, but a sin before God, too. Even if it was just a Hershey's candy bar from Mr. Drossel's Drugstore. A sin is a sin!"

Tommy looked at the sheriff and the sheriff gave him a stern look in return.

"I hope you realize what you've done, and repent for it."

"Yes, sir. By golly, I will. I mean, I do. I repent, Pastor Gary, I sure do. And it won't happen again."

"Well, good." The pastor reached into his pocket and removed a pamphlet. "Now I want you to take this and read it. And I mean really read it good. There's some information in there that just might save your life."

Tommy took the pamphlet and set his eyes on the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

"Afterwhile, Pastor," Tommy bid as the men were leaving. Sheriff left him one last sobering glare before closing the door. Tommy sat back down on the couch and looked at the pamphlet some more then set it aside and turned on the television.

•

Tommy is forty now. He lives with his wife Betty, and daughters Rebecca and Lindsay. Since that day in the alley, Tommy never once killed again. And within a week of the murder, his bedwetting had completely stopped.