Full Circle

I woke up sore in every part of my body. Like I had been in a car wreck. I opened my eyes to the sight of concrete and cinder block as far as the eye could see. I panicked and jumped from the bench I was passed out on. What had happened? The fear one feels after coming out of a blackout episode in jail is unimaginable. The worst case scenarios flooding ones mind like the Hoover Dam let loose.

I limped to the stainless steel toilet and relieved myself. Staring man in the scratched mirror. Disgusted in myself.

This was a wake up moment. I needed help. I couldn't keep this up. I was going to lose everything. Laura. The house. The business. Enough is enough. She loves you.

Just call her and lay it all out. She will stand by you. You have been a fool to keep this to yourself.

I knocked on the door and the guard came by. He had a smile on his face. In my experience that was a good sign. "How's the big shot therapist feeling this morning?" He said. "Depends." I said.  No smile.

From there he proceeded to tell me that they had located me after one of the locals had witnessed me getting mugged and had called it in around midnight. When they arrived on the scene apparently I was laughing maniacally yelling "you reap what you sow" to no one in particular. Startled by their presence as only a drunk who was shouting at the top of his lungs could be. I had mumbled incoherencies of which they had discerned I was a therapist out of town for a conference and needed to speak with my wife. They had obliged to help me until I found my cell phone to be missing and accused them of stealing it and became combative. I had not put up much of a fight he said. As a parting shot to the ego he had laughed a little too long. So there would be no charges. But for this reason they had placed me under supervision for the night to sleep it off.

The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. The officer let me out of the cell and I was able to collect my belongings and leave. This was best case scenario. The lord truly did work in mysterious ways. One of the officers on duty was kind enough to give me a ride back to the hotel where I had to get another key card from the counter.

It was 6:33 and when I laid down. I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up at around noon. I was shaking and felt very ill. I went to the bathroom and purged nothing but stomach bial. I couldn't keep up this facade any longer. I needed help. I went to the phone and dialed Laura.

She answered on the 2nd ring. She had been worried about me which made me feel even worse. How could I do this to the woman I loved most? How could I do this to the woman who chose me over and over? I let it all out. I told her about the day before the miscarriage. I told her about how I was never able to let go of what had happened that day at the hospital.

She was in tears. In many ways I had betrayed her trust. Yet through it all she comforted me. Me. Because that's the kind of woman Laura is. She forgave me. She truly loved me unconditionally. That did not mean she wasn't hurt. That she wasn't angry. It meant that no matter what she chose to stand my me. To help me. This is the reason I loved her. She would never give up on me.

The selfishness of addiction is something most addicts fail to see. We are able to justify our actions as being ok because this is our life. Our choices. Often completely ignoring the effects our behaviors have on others. We believe it chivalrous to handle an active habit with no outside consequences. The thing is there are always outside consequences. We are blind to what we do to those all around us. Our children learn and see. Sponges baring the brunt of our ups and downs. Things we often don't see because we are only half there. But they see it all. The damages we do to our loved ones. The lies. The half truths. All the trust lost that takes time to gain back. We convince ourselves that the dishonesty is to protect them. It couldn't be farther from the truth. It is and always has been to keep our addictions going. To keep the charade up as long as possible so we don't have to confront the core of the issue. So we can keep numbing ourselves from the gravity of what not only has been done to us but in turn what we have done to others.

I slept until 4:42 when the phone rang. It was Laura. She wanted me to come home. I told her I had no a I.D. to get onto the plane. Ever the problem solver she booked me a greyhound while we were on the phone. I would be leaving at 7:30 that evening. She had also lined up a cab. It would be a 3 day trip. A little window time was exactly what I needed. Once I got home we would decide how to proceed.

I arrived at the station a little before 7 and boarded. This is longest I had gone without a drink and I was shaky. It felt like an electric current spasming throughout my body. I did my best to hold it together and quickly fell asleep with my head against the window.

I was awakened as the sun rose against the bare Nevada desert. It had been awhile since I had the time to take in a view such as this. The grind of life had taken the front seat. I had become so focused on work that I had forgotten how to live. With everything that had happened in the last 3 months I needed this.

I hadn't been living in the present. I was either focused on not losing what I had. Or the loss of my son. The moment of now had became to painful. Panic overtook me in a flash. My son. God did it hurt to think about. I wanted this gnawing in my chest to go away. I wanted to cry out. I wanted to cry. My heart was beating to the point I thought I was going to pass out.

The next 2 hours I white knuckled the armrest that divided the seats. The bus stopped at a truck stop in Utah an hour east of the Nevada border. I needed to level out. I walked into the station and bought two tall cans of Coors light and slammed them in the bathroom. No one could expect me to go cold turkey. Besides it was just beer. I needed this to get through this trip.

This was enough to help the shakes subside but beer had never done the trick. I tried to get some more sleep but most of the bus was awake now and chattering. A couple more hours in I had a splitting headache and felt dizzy. I went to the bathroom in the back and vomited while trying not to make a sound. This was no way to live. God I just wanted to be home with Laura.

I had a 2 hour layover in Denver where I was able to phone Laura. She was just finishing up for the day and was on her way home. So was I baby. So was I. I told her I was going through withdrawals and having anxiety attacks. She comforted me and assured me she loved me and would do whatever it took to help me put myself back together. She was making phone calls and talking with our colleagues to put together a support system. She was my earth angel.

When we hung up I felt alot better. How I missed her. Her touch. The smell of her hair. Her voice that could soothe my demons. Why had I abandoned her like this? Selfishness and foolish pride. Lessons I had learned before. This was dangers of not fully integrating the inner work. I felt like Humpty-Dumpty and it just may take all the king's horses and all the king's men to me back together again.

As I drifted off to sleep i thought about what a waste of resources that was. All the kings and all the kings men? Surely there was a better use for this force than one mere man falling off the edge. Who made this guy king? Surely this was an inherited position as in no way would any able minded body of people vote for a man who dedicate the entirety of his kingdom for one man. Or maybe perhaps this is what made him the right man for the job.

I made it home that Monday. Laura was there to pick me up. I could barely look her in the eyes. I was fighting back tears of shame as she approached me. I felt like a stranger. Like I did not belong with a woman of this magnitude. She embraced me with a tenderness as I had only felt from her in this lifetime and all that fell away. Her hand moving up and down my spine as she kissed my cheek. I almost lost it. I held it together though I was struggling to choke back the emotion. Grabbing her hand and walking to the car I had the realization that the hard work started now. The tough conversations. The unabridged honesty that was needed. I didn't know if I was ready for it all again but I would be damned if I wasn't going to give it my all.

I would fight for my life once one more.

That fight was now nearing its end. I had been holding onto the memory of life long passed. Waiting for my demons to take me. To put an end to this misery. I was done fighting. Quite frankly I had been prolonging the inevitable for far too long.

I was flirting the veil of this life for a long time now. I was as ready as I ever was going to be.

I took a large pull from the bottle. My parting gift in the divorce. She knew me all to well. Today was the day. 4 years I had waited. 4 years without my Laura. She had left me when I needed her the most. But she had left me with more than just the bottle. She had left me with a letter. I remember the tears in her eyes as she handed it to me. She had said "you will know when the time is right. I love you Louis. Always and Forever."

Always and Forever. Always and Forever. The words echoed through my liquor drunk mind. The rage that had fueled my imminent demise was dwindling. I had nothing left. No money. My half of everything we had worked for. Gone. All that money that could have helped others wasted in a pool of self pity and despair. Oh woe is me. Poor Louis. Ever the victim. Ever the martyr. Woe is me.

I was disgusted. I thought at the end I would go bravely into the  night upon my steed of self righteousness. Fighting the good fight for gutter drunks the world over. A skid row messiah. Nothing more than the  grandiose musings of a coward. A chicken shit who had sold  what was left of his soul for the bottle  long ago.

Even at the end I couldn't truly let go. To surrender to my self fulfilling prophecy. To give in to the hell I had created. A coward til the end.

The last 4 years I had traversed the land of the living and danced in the valley of the dead. A man blurring the lines of sanity. I have crossed the threshold too many times to count now. The shadows. They followed me back. I feel their icy cold rush as they brush against my skin. Taunting me. Provoking me. Everyone thinks me crazy. But I know the truth. As the days go by your grip is slipping. Or was it mine. Alas confusion is the byproduct of our unholy alliance.

My grip was slipping. My grip was slipping. I had held on too long. Far too long. I reached for my wallet. I fumbled through it to the pocket behind where the cards were held. There I found a wedding picture. I gazed into to her eyes. Remembering how I would look directly into them as were lying in bed. Neither looking away. Behind that was a folded piece of regular note book paper. It simply said Louis on the front.  It was time......

I slept most of that Monday after getting home. Laura stayed in bed with me the whole time. That was love. She watched me shake and sweat it out. Bringing me water and food when I would wake up. I had let it take control again and I was lucky to get out when I did. Rock bottom had been a hell of a lot worse and for that I was grateful. There was nothing done here that couldn't be undone. I was a lucky man.

By Tuesday I had three days in and was beginning to feel better. The cravings were there but physically I had leveled out. Laura had taken the week off and we had canceled some of our classes. There are things in this life more important than money or obligations. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and take stock of your life.

By Friday I felt back to my old self and after talking with Laura had decided not to enter treatment. I agreed to start going to meetings again and see a therapist of my own. I needed to talk about the loss of my son. I still wasn't saying anything to Laura about it. I was bottling it up. We would get there. For now I was sober and dealing with it mentally for the first time and that was what mattered.

3 months later I was back. Sober and working. I had cut back my hours to spend more time at home.  Therapy had worked and I was opening up to those closest to me. Laura especially. We were firing on all cylinders again. I had let go of the shame and was working through the grieving process. I had gotten stuck in anger. A pattern of mine throughout my life.

I was going to meetings again and coupled with therapy and my support system I was beginning to feel happy for the 1st time in 6 months. The road back is never easy. It was always worth it though. I began to understand the philosophy when you heal yourself you heal others. Just the simple example of doing the work on yourself and being vulnerable doesn't make you any less of a man. In fact there is no higher calling than the journey within. That's how you become a true healer. By breaking down societal conditioning. All the bullshit you see on TV about what a real man is supposed to be. How some are raised by fathers who were never able to see a perspective other than their own and instill that unknowing into their children continuing a cycle that doesn't necessarily allow for true reflection or inflection.

Business was up and running and just as Laura had done I was using my relapse as teaching tool. Letting go of the ego and making it known to the people I had been working with for a length of time that when you don't continue to do the work it is so easy to falter. Recovery is an every day process and once you slip it's so easy to get hooked back into the loop. And for most of us that were either sentenced to treatment or sought it out of our own accord we know where it ends. Vigilance and dedication is what keeps the demons at bay. It's the addictions kryptonite.

I had shopped around a few meetings before I found one that just clicked. It had a more spiritual undertone to it. I was opened up to meditation. I began attending sweat lodges out of town on the local reservation. A whole new world began opening up to me.  I was journeying farther inside than I ever knew possible.

I brought out my 12 step journal and started seeing things I had missed. Situations that unbeknownst to me were still dragging on my soul. Weighing me down. I was seeing for the 1st time how they had helped shape the way I react. I was restoring my relationship with my higher power and it was beautiful. I was beginning to see signs and synchronicities everywhere I went. I was more alive than I had ever been and it was evident in all my relationships. There was something more than meets the eye going on in this world. I felt I truly had a purpose here again.

I had been sober for 5 months. Just 8 months after my relapse. Everything was going great. I had never felt better. I had new friends. Everything was moving along  at Phoenix Rising and my relationship with Laura had never been better. I was grateful for all that I had. I prayed often and had seen the results. I was a believer and my faith had never been stronger.

That Friday I had gotten off work a little early as one of my classes had been canceled and decided to surprise Laura with dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant. We had been doing these little impromptu dates to keep the home fires burning and because I wanted her to know just how much she meant to me. I would not be being honest with myself if said I didn't carry residual shame from my time in the darkness.

That night I got home with a dozen roses behind my back. Laura's car was parked in the driveway. I opened the door slowly wanting to surprise her. It was 4:33 as I walked in. I heard crying as i crossed the threshold. I found her on the couch and asked her what was wrong. She was sobbing and I couldn't quite make out everything she was saying. When she composed herself she told me she was fine. Just a little emotional it had been a tough week.

We decided to stay in and order a pizza. She ate half a slice and went to bed. I had never seen her like this in all the time we had been together. I went to bed with her and placed my hands on her back and prayed for her.  My sweet girl.

While I was concerned for Laura I chose not to fret on the unknown. We had a tough job at times. People would often tell us the horror they have endured in their lives and it can take a toll. It had on me. With all that had happened this year I couldn't blame her a bit for having an off day. We all need them once in awhile.

That weekend we both had off. I had a sweat lodge I was going to attend. I woke up early and got ready that morning as Laura slept. I kissed her on the forehead before I was leaving. I had a very uneasy feeling in my stomach.

As I walked to the car I started feeling nauseous. Something wasn't right. I was wondering if maybe the pizza we got had made me sick. I will just sweat it out I thought. I fired up the car and headed down the road. I got one block away before I had to pull over. I opened the door and started dry heaving. My left ear started ringing. I had this voice in my head saying I had to go home. I turned around and walked right back in the house.

There I found Laura still lying in bed. She was crying again as I moved towards her. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she just needed some time. It broke my heart to see her like this. I went to sit on the bed and she snapped at me. "Didn't you hear what I just said?." I didn't know what to do so I reached out for her and she pushed me away. "Just leave me alone Louis. I just can't right now ok."

I was hurt she had never talked to me like this. I didn't know what was going on. I felt helpless and a little angry. I just wanted to know. I needed to know. So I persisted. She said "Just get the fuck out and leave me alone. Now." There was anger in her voice I had never heard before. What had I done? I was on the mend and life was seemingly going in the right direction. I was confused.

I decided it best to honor her wishes and leave. I no longer felt like going to the sweat lodge. Instead I drove around with no particular destination in mind. I passed a little restaurant I had went to a few years back and stopped to get something to eat. I wasn't very hungry but I needed to do something to occupy my time. I ordered biscuits and gravy but barely touched them. I paid my bill and left.

I called Laura and she answered as always on the 2nd ring. She said she was sorry for the last couple days and that she needed time to process things. I still had no idea what she was talking about. She said she was going to stay with Ashely that night and she would be back in the morning and not to worry that everything was going to be alright.

Ashely and her had gotten very close over the last year. I assumed this was just women issues although I was a little perplexed as it had never happened before. She said she would call later and that she loved me.

By the time I got back home it was already noon. Slugger greeted me at the door. We both looked at each other and decided the best thing to do was take a nap. Ol Slugger was always down for a nap. I was stressed out but had learned to separate myself from the worry as it accomplished nothing. I popped on a movie and was out by 1.

It was while I was asleep I had a nightmare I will never forget. I was walking hand in hand with Laura through a park. It was a gorgeous day. The sun was shining and I could feel the warmth. We were happy and smiling like school kids. Then I looked up and saw the one cloud in the sky. It had the face of a dog. As I looked back down the the scenery had changed. We were now walking through a forest. It was dark and the tress look as if the were a beacon to the path of the damned. I looked to Laura and saw the fear in her eyes. I had never seen her like that. Scared. Then out of nowhere a large black dog came out of the tree line and ripped into her stomach. I was frozen in place. I wanted out of this dream. I knew it wasn't  real but I couldn't get out. As I stood paralyzed watching her being attacked and tore apart saw a barn owl swoop in front of me claws coming towards my eyes.  I jolted out of sleep. My phone was ringing

It was Laura. She told me that she still planned on spending the night with Ashely and that they were just going to order some take out and have some girl time. I didn't mention the dream. I had some processing of my own to do. With being how emotional she was I decided it was best not to tell her. Anyways it was just a dream.

Just a dream. A dream that was now weighing heavily upon my mind. After the dream before my last relapse I couldn't help but believe there was some significance. What did it mean though? The symbolism of the black dog going after her stomach made me think of the childs we lost. While as time passed and I was dealing with it in therapy the wound still felt fresh. Even fresher after this afternoons subconscious adventure into the darker depths of the the mind.

There was a ball building in my chest again. This dream had triggered something inside of me. I didn't like it. I felt hot and my heart was pounding. Something wasn't right. I could feel it. I needed to get out. I took Slugger out the patio door into the backyard. I was having a panic attack. I was trying to breathe like I had learned but I couldn't focus. A symphony of worst case scenarios rushed me like a pack of rabid wolves.

When I finally caught my breath I was soaked from head to toe. I went inside and showered. When I got out I was still a mess. I tried to meditate but couldn't shut down my mind. It was 730 and we had nothing in the house to eat so I decided to venture out and try to clear my mind.

I thought about reaching out to someone but didn't want to come off as crazy. After all this was just a dream. People had nightmares all the time. I just needed to calm down and work through this myself. I didn't want to bother anybody anyway. It was the weekend. People had lives to live outside my problems. I would be fine.

I stopped at a little food truck and ordered a burrito. I sat down at a picnic table they had outside and tried to clear my mind. All I could hear was the laughter of people living the city life. Happy couples and friends halfway through a night of dancing and drinking. I started sweating again. I got up before I finished eating and drove home.

I laid on the couch all night. My mind was racing. I slept on and off for a couple of hours. When the sun came up I was on the back porch praying. I didn't know what I was praying for. Answers? A relief from the fear that was gripping my every thought? Everything felt off. I couldn't shake it.

Laura called around 8 and said she would be coming home. That she was feeling better but we needed to talk. This did nothing to quiet the mind. But it did help knowing that she was ready to talk. I was still stuck on the dream. It was a vicious hell loop.

Laura got back home around noon. I was dozing on the couch with all the lights and tv off. She woke me by grabbing the back of my hand. As my eyes opened I saw the tears in hers. I knew something was wrong. I knew when I walked in the door Friday.

"Louis, I have something to tell you." She said. I felt the blood rush from my face. Whatever it was it was going to be alright. There was no storm we couldn't weather.

"Louis. I have cancer."  From there she proceeded to tell me that she had some tests done over the last month. She hadn't felt right since the pregnancy. It was aggressive stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It had already spread to her lungs and liver. They had given her a year at best. My heart broke on the spot. Once again I choked back my emotion. I had to be the strong one. This was no time to be weak.

I grabbed her tight and pulled her close. Just like that day 8 short months ago I stared blankly as caressed her back. What now? I closed my eyes shut to fight back the tears. In the darkness of my minds eye I saw a black dog and a barn owl. I needed a drink.

The next week we were in and out searching for a specialist with the most experience in this form of cancer. Laura was going to fight. That was her. She was not a coward. She would not go gently into the night. No not her. She had too much fight for that.

They started her on an aggressive chemo regiment right away. Giving her the best shot at prolonging the fight. She signed up for some experimental medication. Even if she didn't win this fight she said the least she could do is help in the advancement of its future treatment.

A month into her diagnosis and I had a dream. It was the same dream I had the night before she told of her cancer. With one difference. At the end of the dream when the barn owl came for me I could see my reflection in its eyes. My eyes were on fire. The reflection of silhouetted flames upon its white feathers. It stopped before it reached me. Suspending its flight and hovering. Staring into the inferno of eyes. Baring my own soul back to me. I was the poison.