Friend, Inc.

William sat in his tattered old lazy boy, mindlessly staring through his television. He grasped his fourth beer of the evening as it balanced on the arm rest. Lazily, he lifted the drink to his lips, taking a bigger gulp than usual, in the hopes that he could further dull the sting of his loneliness. Flashing images hypnotized him as he sank deeper into his chair. This nightly routine had eroded away at his hope and joy for what seemed like countless years. Tears welled up in his sorrowful eyes. It had been eight years since his wife Cindy had passed. They had no children, and William never was the social type. He felt doomed to expend his existence in solace, trapped in a tiny studio apartment.

William spent his days working a toll booth. Never was he given more than a few seconds of human interaction before each driver would pay him and speed off. Each night he desperately tried to fill the bottomless cavern in his heart with alcohol, distractions, and sleep. Tonight was a special night though. Tonight William would see something on his tv that could change his life forever. Suddenly it sounded as though the volume on his television had been doubled. A flash of light caught his attention. Gentle scenes and sounds of nature faded in and out. Peace began flooding into William's chest like a soothing liquid. A soft voice spoke as if to him alone,

"Tired of solitude? Do you long for someone, anyone to notice who you are? Do you want to see and be seen, to know and be known? "

William wanted to answer to the voice with a heartfelt "yes". The voice continued,

"Through genetic engineering specifically designed to fulfill the need for human companionship, Friend, Inc. presents to you...Macaw Pal. Macaw Pal has the intelligence of a fully capable human adult, with the capacity for genuine love. The parrot is the only animal with the gift for human speech, so combined with an altered intellect, Macaw Pal will talk you through your pains, listen to your fears, laugh with you, encourage you, and be a true friend. They come in blue, green, orange, and new scarlet. Order yours today. Macaw Pal."

William chuckled to himself. Were they serious? This had to be a joke. After all, he wasn't that desperate. Or was he? What could it hurt? It might be fun just to have a talking bird in the apartment. After a few more beers and several minutes of being on the fence, William called and ordered his very own Macaw Pal. Red was his favorite color, so he ordered a scarlet one.

Two weeks later William arrived at home to find a large box with small holes in it sitting on his porch.

"This must be it!" He thought.

Curiously, he walked around the box and surveyed it. A voice spoke from inside it,

"Do you intend to leave me on the porch for the duration of the evening?"

William startled a bit, then answered,

"Hello?" He said, filled with anticipation.

"Yes, hello. Did you fully comprehend my last inquiry? Or should I speak with greater volume?"

"Oh, well, yeah. I mean, uh, no. I'll bring you inside. Sorry." William opened his front door and grasped the box with both arms, brining it inside.

"No apologies necessary. I was simply attempting to gauge any needed mental preparation for my night to come." Said the box.

William gently opened the talking box. Inside was a birdcage containing a beautiful scarlet-colored macaw parrot. The bird turned its' head without moving its' body, looking straight into William's eyes. After an awkward pause, the bird tilted its' head and spoke,

"You would be William, I assume?" Wide-eyed and in awe, William responded,

"Uh...yeah. What, uh...how does this...sorry this is just a trip." William smiled.

"Not to worry William. An animal with an uncanny ability to interact on a human level can strike some as quite a shock. Please, take a moment to gather your thoughts. I am at your disposal when needed."

William couldn't help but stare at this magnificent creature. After a minute William decided he was going to make an effort with his new friend,

"So, how does this work?"

"Could you specify please?" The bird's head tilted again.

"I mean, do we just talk, or...?"

"We may converse at your convenience."

"Ah, ok. Well, where are you from?"

The bird's body elongated as though snapping to attention before it answered,

"Laboratory 672, cage 151, Friend Inc., Colorado Springs, Colorado."

"Whoa. Ok. So...Do you have...like...emotions?" I mean, can you feel?"

The bird looked at William again,

"Yes and yes. For example, at this moment I sense your apprehension and excitement, which in turn causes an emotional response of the like within me. It's as though we're embarking on a new adventure together."

William smiled,

"Wow. So you really can like, be my friend?"

The macaw peered deeply into William's eyes,

"It is the sole purpose of my existence."

As the evening continued, William went thru six beers, opening his heart up to his new companion. The bird listened better than anyone ever had. It offered wise advice, support, encouragement, and genuine concern. By the time William went to bed, he felt the weight of pain and loneliness lifted from his soul. He hadn't slept so divinely in years.

Over the course of the following week, all William could think about during his time at work was getting home to spend time with his Macaw Pal. He would replay their conversations in his head, smiling alone in his toll booth. His scarlet friend had brought true joy back into his life.

By the third week, a deep sense of trust had grown between William and his new friend. He told the bird secrets he had never even told his late wife. William heeded the bird's advice on life and how to view the world. Sometimes when William pondered the situation, he'd laugh to himself. After all, his best friend was an animal. But he couldn't deny that the void had been filled.

One evening, William came home after a particularly bad day. He had been obsessing over the loss of his wife, as he often did. He just couldn't seem to shake the sorrow. Having a deep conversation with the macaw was something he very much needed. He walked through his front door to the usual welcoming voice,

"Well hello William. How are we tonight?" William looked up with sadness painted on his face. The bird continued,

"I sense that a dark cloud follows you this evening. Am I keen in my observation?"

William answered in a weakened voice,

"Yeah. I can't get Cindy out of my head. I keep seeing her face. The pain is just sharper than usual today." After a pause, the macaw said something shocking,

"I see. Well, try and imagine what her face actually looks like now."

"What?" William asked abruptly.

"I mean, picture the shreds of decayed flesh clinging to her dust-covered skull. Perhaps it will help you realize how dead she really is."

"What the hell? What...what are you saying?"

"I'm trying to wake you up to a reality my friend. She's dead. Why waste anymore thought on her? After all, you'll never see her again, and grasping at any possibility that you will is only going to magnify your misery."

William had never heard this kind of talk from his friend before. It blind-sided him. William sat down and took a minute to let the painful words sink in. He looked to his companion for a taste of hope,

"So, you're saying I have better things to come? That thinking about her will distract me from blessings that could be right in front of me?" The bird let out a chuckle,

"I said nothing of the sort. I may be your friend, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sprinkle sugar on the pile of feces that is your life." William half grinned,

"You're messin' with me, right? This is a joke. You're supposed to screw around with me a little. I get it." The bird shook his head slowly,

"'Messin'' with you would be to tell you how much better life is going to get for you, to lie to your face and proclaim that you are desirable in the eyes of your female counterparts. William, listen to me. Friendship means honesty. Now, if you want me to spew out falsities and continue to listen to your incessant whining, I will. But I've frankly reached the threshold of my patience. You...are...pathetic. You look pathetic, you sound pathetic, and your entire being sums up the definition of pathetic. You're continued consumption of resources is nothing more than a drain on this planet."

Coming from someone he trusted, these words cut like a razor blade. Not only that, but these were all the things that William feared were true. There had been some particle of hope left in him, but it died with the bird's monologue. Furthermore, this intelligent being had spent every night with him for months and heard the most intimate details of his life. And this was his pal's true assessment of him.

For the remainder of the night the macaw spoke in a gentle voice with nothing but harsh words. When the sun came up, William hadn't slept a wink. He could have gone to bed, but on some level he felt as though he deserved such abuse, so he listened to every word. The pain, which by now had been exponentially magnified burrowed a hole though William's heart.

At work the following day, William suffered second-by-second horror. Flashes of Cindy's rotting corpse invaded his mind. Any break he got in his isolated toll booth he spent sobbing uncontrollably. He saw no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. After work, William dragged himself to his front door. Misery weighed him down like never before. He paused before entering what he knew would only be a night full of harrowing darkness. Slowly, he opened the door. Macaw Pal sat perched in his cage, staring at William,

"Hello William. Not looking our best today, are we?" William snapped at the bird,

"What do you expect? You practically told me to kill myself last night."

"Practically? William, I thought I was abundantly clear. Apparently not. Ok, I'll cut through the subtext. I gather you've always considered yourself to be selfless?"

This confused William. He answered after a pause,

"Yeah. I guess."

"Well, I agree. I've had to suffer through getting to know you quite intimately these past few months. Now, while you may be a useless waste of space, you are most certainly a selfless man." William smiled as his friend continued,

"And I am being as genuine as a friend can be when I say this: The most selfless act that you could possibly carry out at this juncture would be to remove from this world what you well know to be a drain on society."

William stared silently back at the bird, completely defeated. He knew now what must be done. There was no other option. He slowly walked to the tiny futon at the edge of his studio. He reached underneath it and grabbed hold of a 12 gauge shotgun. Holding it in one hand, he looked it up and down, then to his friend, who spoke to him one last time,

"This is for the greater good of humanity William."

William raised the weapon, then pulled the trigger. A deafening blast echoed through the apartment complex. Scarlet feathers floated through the air, each settling gently on the floor. William stood motionless over what was left of the Macaw Pal. He would miss his only friend. The sharp ring of his cell phone snapped him out of his trance. He quickly answered,

"Yeah?"

"William?" Answered an excited female voice.

"Yes."

"Congratulations! You have been selected by Friend, Inc. to join our amazing team to help save the planet!"

"Save the planet? What? What...what the hell is this?"

"Thaaaaaaat's right! The planet! Through natural selection and population control, Friend, Inc. has partnered with various government agencies to save our world! And we want you to join us in doing it!"

"Population control? What do you mean?"

"Our Macaw Pals have successfully rid the Earth of 12.8 million planet-killing drains on society. Those who pass the test find themselves a new life, a new purpose, and a greatly increased standard of living. In our new society, mental weakness and loneliness will be eradicated. Agents from our company will stop by shortly to escort you to your new living quarters."

"Test? You mean this Macaw Pal thing was just a test?"

"That is correct sir. Well, it serves as a test for those who pass. As for those who do not possess the necessary mental strength to be a part of our new society, they selflessly ensure the survival of future generations by eliminating themselves. When our agents arrive they will fill you in. Again, congratulations!"

William hung up the phone. A victorious smile grew on his face. William had never felt more worthy of being alive.

/