Free

So I’m making my boyfriend this really rich chocolate cake. I’m making it from scratch even though I have no fucking clue What I’m doing. And I’m thinking about how his beautiful blue eyes gets red and wide, his mouth turns into a solid line, trembling and the tears flow down his cheek. I’m mixing in the real cocoa powder, and my heart is trembling, thinking of my sweetheart having another anxiety attack. God, I can’t stand it when Tweek is upset, it kills me so bad, I cry sometimes. Then, when I cry, Tweek cries louder. If I had a genie and had only one wish, I’d wish for Tweek to be free of anxiety forever.

We have been dating steadily now for eight years. Literally, I never felt so happy and so grateful to have someone in my life. So, once I’m done making this chocolate lava “death by chocolate” cake shit, I’m going over to grab some fresh coffee for us and then I’ll pick up the little cutie pie. Living in a world of flipping off people my whole life, that was all I knew. My family didn’t really know how to express their feelings unless it was by cutting each other off or just ignoring problems before it became too big. Tweek’s family either made too little of things or too big of things, never truly getting to the heart of a problem and never actually having real conversations about life or their son’s day to day. Together, Tweek and I found a strange way to bridge that interpersonal gap of miscommunication and truly find ways to listen to one another and appreciate each other’s perspective and feelings. The most astonishing thing about the way we came together was through misunderstandings and strange stories of us being in love(through art Asian girls depicted of us), and us pretending to break up even as the town loved the idea of us being together. That fake breakup and how Tweek kept saying he wanted to help me—-to fix what was hurting me too, that Lit up something inside of me. It was a slow burn. But, I knew it was true. We found out how we could truly unlock each other’s potential and confidence almost effortlessly. How it felt so good to help Tweek feel better. How it felt so great to have someone to hold, and be held back.

I mix all the ingredients by hand. I think of Tweek’s cute smile and adorable, messy blonde hair as I pour the batter into the pans. What I needed to tell him was how much he’s helped me—-inadvertently, but letting me help him. It was so hard for me to express anything when I was younger. I had hoped, by making him this homemade chocolate cake, he’d know it, too.

Once the cake is done baking, I let it cool. Now that we were both eighteen and ready to graduate, I was hoping to finally make love with Tweek. I never, ever push him. To be fair, he does seem pretty willing, but we only fool around. It’s a lot easier now to be able to be more affectionate as I’ve truly felt more comfortable about who I am. I’m gay. And Tweek is, too. I really love kissing him. When his tongue is in my mouth——

I’m in heaven.

Anyway. I’m hoping that this cake will make him understand exactly how I feel.

That’s silly, you might say. Clyde said that. So did Token.

Fuck those guys.

I’m not big on words. Or sentences. Out loud things. Okay?!!

So, after I add the lava shit in the cake, I package it all up. I put it in my stupid car. I get the coffee. I call up babe.

“Hey, babe,” I say on my cell. “I’m picking you up. Where you at?”

“Craig! I’m at the house. Where are you?!” Tweek asked loudly.

I chuckled. “I’m on the way. I got a surprise for you, cutie pie.”

“Agh, okay. Soun-sounds good. Lemme get ready. I look bad.”

I scoff, “Uh, I doubt that, sweetheart. I’m sure you look fine.”

“Ugh, Craig, you don’t understand! I haven’t showered in a few days and imfeelingrestless!”

I sigh. “Okay. Don’t worry. Take your time. Call me when you’re ready, okay, honey?”

A huge sigh. “Thanks… thanks dear. Love you. I’ll cal-call you soon.”

I smile. “I love you, too.”

I actually felt anxiety for a moment, thinking about the future. What will I do with my life? How will I support us? When should I ask Tweek to move in with me? Is this what I should do?

I drive around for about ten minutes and finally Tweek calls me.

“I’m ready, hon!” Tweek says.

“You sure, babe?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m good.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in a quick minute.”

“Cool!” Tweek said.

I hung up.

As I was driving, I turned on the radio.

A jazzy little number came on. I kinda liked it. It made me think about one summer I had with Tweek. It was such a beautiful summer. We ran around, laughing about everything and nothing until our sides split and we even had a secret hideaway in this broken down barn. It was in this remote area where it was abandoned and the barn was so old I thought it would fall on us. Tweek was braver than I was and didn’t even shake, holding me by my waist and kissing my lips over and over again. He whispered that he was my barbarian and I had captured him fair and square. That I would have to show him how to behave. I had found a patch of wild flowers and picked some for him. There were yellow flowers, roses and marigolds. I gave him the flowers and he comically shoved them to his face, and said, “Do I smash them?” Like he really was a barbarian. I laughed. I said, “You love them. As I love you.”

And we kissed until we were breathless.

We wrestled to the ground and we laughed and I played with his hair.

It reminded of something else.

Anytime I’d need help with something, I’d get this from my family—-

“Oh.”

A middle finger up in all of our faces.

“Don’t you ‘oh,’ him!”

Everyone flipping each other off.

But,

I thought.

This was normal.

I reached my boyfriend’s house, but I felt myself anxious.

My breath is shaky.

Is

This. Abnormal?

Tweek sees me and gets in, and kisses my cheek. He looks at me closer.

“Craig, are you okay?”

I nod.

He sighs, “You aren’t, are you?”

I nod.

He smiles at me softly, “Want me to drive, Sweetie?”

I shake my head, but get out of my car, and Tweek follows, going to the driver’s side.

My future husband drives us to Stark’s pond.

We sip the coffee in the most beautiful silence I ever dreamed of, and he looks at me so kindly—-I feel so loved. I feed him the cake. He feeds it to me. It tastes good coming from his hands. Romantic and gushy, I know.

“Craig?” He asks me suddenly.

“Yeah, babe?” I reply.

“Feeling better?”

I nod. “Yes. Thanks to you.”

Tweek smiles. “I just wanted to help you the way you always help me. You are really good with helping me cope with my anxiety.”

“I try. I was just thinking about that summer we had together. With the flowers I picked for you—-those marigolds and roses—-and us always going in that old barn. You were so cool. Like brave and stuff.”

Tweek grinned, jumping up in the seat, “Ahh! That was the best summer ever!”

“I just feel free around you, Tweek. I hope you know that.”

Tweek nodded, “I do too. I never feel afraid with you by my side.”

“Then let’s make everyday that golden summer, babe. Forever,” I said, and with that, I leaned in and kissed him with a fire of a thousand suns.

Yep. I used a really corny line. Probably overdone.

I don’t care.

Sue me.

I’m free.