First Time

Her screams rip through the chaos and commotion within the room and runs down the hospital corridor. I cannot believe what I just witnessed, how she did this is beyond me. No way could I tolerate that kind of pain.

Glancing at the clock, the second-hand moves announcing the time of 2:09 pm.

I wait with anticipation for a new cry to fill the room, my child's first vocal expression of life.

There is only silence.

Looking into the eyes of my wife, I realize she sees the same confusion in me that I see in her. Our intimate glance quickly turns to panic. Where is the sound we dreamt about, where is the cry that announces we are now parents for the first time. I watched my child enter this world, I felt elation at the thought of holding her for the first time. Why is no one smiling and congratulating us.

How quickly joy turns to fear.

Pulling my eyes away from my wife is hard, but I need to know why there is only an uneasy quietness hovering in the air.

All I see is blood.

Tick

Before I can react, before I can ask a question, the calm becomes chaos once more. A storm of voices talk as one continuous murmur of blurred words all spoken in rapid succession. Words like...pressure...pulse...obstruction....

I feel myself being shoved aside, while a nurse leans into my wife telling her she needs to push and begins to vigorously massage her belly.

Holly screams in pain, louder than when she was in labor.

Another nurse assists, holding Holly's hands while helping her into a sitting position. Someone takes my little girl out of the arms of a nurse and proceeds to a table at the far end of the room. I watch as they move, heads down, orders given, shoulders tense.

Where is the cry?

Tock

Everything becomes heavy.

Turning my head is like swimming through mud. My senses dull with each tick of the second hand. Until finally time doesn’t just pause it refuses to move. I watch lips in motion but lack the ability to understand the words. Voices are now less then a murmur, and more of an unintelligible hum.

I feel a firm but gentle grip on my arm as I am led towards the door. A voice whispers in my ear. 'We need you to step outside, for now.'

I watch in a dream like state as people move in slow motion. The Doctor slides a tray full of shiny medical instruments on wheels next to my wife and positions herself between Holly's legs. She begins wiping furiously at something then tosses a bloody towel on the floor. Droplets of red slide across tiles of white.

Holly cries out once again, this time the sound is different, weaker.

Tick

I try to reach for her, but she is lost amongst a crowd of white linen pantomimes, all moving to a practiced dance of desperation. My vision blurs and narrows as if I am a stranger observing this through a hollow tunnel.

In stunned silence I stare as the door closes in front of me. I hadn't uttered a word, not to my wife, not to a Doctor not even to myself. I am alone in the hallway, the taste of antiseptic dances upon my tongue while the smell of bleach lingers in the back of my throat.

I instinctually move the instant I hear Holly cry out my name. There are two people in that room that need me. No matter what awaits me on the other side, I’m going through, my family is in there. The swinging door feels weighted, as I push on through.

Tock

The once frantic filled room is quiet, the motions all but ceased. I force my feet to move forward, Taking in the scene, my shoulders drop, the room tilts and my breathing falters as I stumble forward.

I feel as if these are my first and final steps.

All I see are uniformed bodies huddled around Holly's bed, no more frenzied voices, no more hurried actions. The table at the far end of the room is empty.

Tick

A sob escapes my chest as everyone turns in unison to stare at me. Mask covered faces, their eyes lock onto this pathetic form shaking in the doorway.

As one, they part as I approach, my lips quiver uncontrollably and my heart drops. Shaking so badly, I have no control of my body as a cry escapes my lips when I see my wife, my love, laying there.

She is peaceful.

A ray of afternoon light shines through the window and illuminates her golden hair. Tears fall like rain upon my cheeks when I see the tiny, wrapped bundle they placed upon her chest.

Except for the rapid breathing echoing in my head and the incoherent gibberish of me trying to say my wife’s name, the room is deathly quiet.

Tock

The second hand slides up, the time on the clock shows when my life changed forever. A mere moment in time is all it was, yet an eternity of fear and doubt so overwhelming I nearly faint.

2:10pm

Suddenly, invisible gossamer threads of emotions brush my face and fill an emptiness I never knew existed until now.

My heart stops then flutters to life when Holly turns to me and smiles. A tiny cry floats upon the stillness and envelopes my soul, as I gaze into the eyes of my baby girl for the first time.