Fiona's Famous Cake Platter

Fiona Crumbleberry

Fiona Crumbleberry was a year 2 student when Matilda was in the bottom class. She was a striking girl with dark hair and porcelain skin. “The same glacial beauty as an iceberg”, her mum was fond of saying, to which her father would mutter “but unlike the iceberg, has absolutely nothing below the surface.” Mrs. Crumbleberry would reply, “Oh, she’s a dreamer, just like Grandpa Crumbleberry, her mind always flying high looking to create something special.” Her father, Frederick Crumbleberry would respond “Head in the clouds is more like it”.

Grandpa Crumbleberry

Fredrick Crumbleberry had grown up with a brilliant but absent-minded father. His parents owned a stationery and dry goods store, inherited from his mother’s family. His father took over the back stock room for his “creative space”, working on mostly impractical inventions he was sure would be essential and they would be rich one day. When Fred was just a toddler, his father invented a system that would change diapers robotically. Unfortunately, he had only tested the system on his daughter Viola’s dollies. When tried on little Fred, who was at the wriggly worm stage of life, the diaper ended up on Fred’s head and the diaper pins nearly pierced his ear.

So, it was Fred’s mother who kept the shop running and held a steady income. Viola helped after school with organizing the fabrics and thread, making doll clothes with the scraps. When Fred was old enough, he assisted his mother with inventorying and keeping the accounts ledger.

Pollywoggle Accounting

Fiona’s mum, Julia was the youngest of the four Pollywoggle daughters. When Fred asked for her hand in marriage, Mr. Pollywoggle no longer had funds to pay for an extravagant wedding like her older sisters had. Instead, Mr. Pollywoggle, a practical man who ran an accounting firm, offered Fred the opportunity to be a partner in the family business in lieu of a fancy wedding. And so, upon their marriage, the sign was changed from Pollywoggle Accounting Firm to Pollywoggle and Son (In law) Accounting Firm.

This afforded Fred the chance to have a stable income. They had a lovely house with a backyard where Julia could host afternoon tea and cards with her friends in her magnificent rose garden. Julia was a beautiful and sweet soul, “sweeter than toffee pudding” Fred would say. Fiona inherited that part from her mother, but alas, the bit she got from her father was Grandpa’s propensity to frequently have one's mind in one place but the body in another.

Head in the Clouds

Her mum tried to teach her how to make her bed up but showed her only after it was done. Thus, Fiona could only make half her bed; the pillows would be fluffed, and the feather duvet pulled up. But under the covers, the sheets and blanket were still rumpled at the foot of the bed. Most of her second-year classmates were able to dress themselves with only help in shoe tying. Fiona was known for coming to breakfast with only one sock on, and her school jumper on with no blouse underneath. Nonetheless, her sweet personality made it difficult for even her father to stay frustrated with her for long. .

Bruce Bogtrotter and the piece of chocolate cake -Fiona's version

The day that Bruce Bogtrotter was caught stealing a slice of Miss Trunchbull’s special chocolate cake, Fiona was thinking about marmite. She loved that salty taste, and if allowed, she would have it every day in a cheese sandwich. Unfortunately, that morning, her mother had informed her that they were out of marmite except for a tiny amount still stuck in the jar and Fiona would have to do with a cheese sandwich with ploughman’s pickle instead. So, while Fiona was sitting in the assembly hall with her classmates, as Bruce consumed Cook's whole eighteen inch chocolate cake, her mind was on marmite. If only it was sold tubes like toothpaste came in, so one could squeeze out every last bit. Or what about using the squeeze bottles that were the same colors as that horrid red and yellow goo Americans put on their sandwiches? Perhaps the jar could have a tiny propeller that would spin out the contents until the jar was so clean it didn’t need washing out before disposing. Yes, the propeller was the best option, she determined, and she would ask her older brother Freddie Jr. to help her write a letter to Marmite with her brilliant suggestion.

At that moment, she was brought back to the Assembly Hall by the sound of the cake platter clonking down on Bruce’s head. Just like everyone else, she was startled. But because she was thinking about marmite, she didn’t realize that poor Bruce had been forced to eat the entire cake. Or that when he didn’t become violently ill from consuming the cake, Miss Trunchbull became enraged and smashed the platter on Bruce’s head. Instead, Fiona assumed that Miss Trunchbull had stumbled, and the cake and platter came accidentally tumbling down on Bruce. No one had the heart to tell Fiona that Miss Trunchbull was just a mean bully, not the clumsy one she imagined. So, sweet Fiona vowed that someday she would invent a cake dish that would not spill the cake regardless of a person's ineptness. Imagine how terrible it would be to stumble carrying a cake with lit candles!

Cake platters in the way

As she grew into a young adult, Fiona’s beauty had brought her opportunities to model. However, once she stopped mid stride down the runway because she was still pondering about that cake platter invention. She forgot she had to continue down the length of the runway in a ridiculous pink foil and feather gown, pause with a wink at the crowd, spin gracefully and return backstage. The designer was none too pleased when she stood there, hand on chin and puzzling, causing the crowd to erupt in laughter. That was the end of her modeling career. She tried acting but was rarely grounded enough to remember all her lines in correct order. The one thing she excelled in was working in a garden centre. She had inherited her mother’s green thumb. The attention needed to tend to the plants kept her focused on the tasks.

Terrance Fig-Newton

Young Terrance Fig-Newton had come to the garden centre looking for a lily plant as a gift for his mother. He was assisted by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Fiona helped him select the perfect plant for his mother and stole his heart at the same time. And Terrance reminded her of her own dear father, a practical man who would neither skimp or overspend on an important gift, choosing something that had both quality and good value.

What became of Bruce Bogtrotter?

Even though it was the distant past, she still felt pity for the toppling of the cake platter over Bruce’s head. Fortunately, the clonking must not have affected Bruce permanently as he had started a car dealership and was known in all of Buckinghamshire for the quality of both the new and used cars he sold. Michael Wormwood had returned as an adult to Buckinghamshire. Thankfully, Michael, as a perfectly normal boy, grew into a perfectly normal man, unlike his father. He was a wonderful big brother to Matilda. Michael approached Bruce for a starting sales position. Three years later, the two became partners in business and life.

Fiona as a grownup

So, we find Fiona years later, at a time not too different than the one we are in now. Fiona was married and a mother of three children. Terrance Fig-Newton, now her husband, agreed to a partnership with Pollywoggle and Crumbleberry Accounting Firm in lieu of an expensive wedding. Fiona’s brother Freddie Jr., who their father had hoped would take over the family business had instead become a professional footballer and moved to Spain where he was married to Isabella with two children of their own.

Mother's little helpers

Thanks to the invention of smart phones and watches, Fiona could now remain on task. Terrance programmed alerts and reminders into her devices so that she would remember that Mondays through Fridays at 4 pm, little Terry Jr. needed to be picked up from the school where he was in year 3 of primary school, and that Julie’s tumbling class was at 10am on Saturdays. Fifteen years of preparing Terrance’s favorite steak and kidney pie for Sunday dinner had turned into muscle memory. And Fiona needed no reminders to make her cheese and marmite sandwiches for lunch.

Jenny, the eldest, was year 9 secondary school and blessed with her father’s sensibility. Before the smart devices were available, she used sticky notes in key locations to help her mother remember. While Fiona was happy being a mother, wife and a partner at the Joyful Flowers Garden Centre, she continued to develop a spill-proof cake platter.

Fiona perseveres

Fiona fiddled for years with versions for her platter, using the kitchen as her lab. Somewhat regularly, supper was saved by one of the children smelling the familiar almost-burned-to-a-crisp-but-not-quite scent and rushed to remind their mother to turn off the stove. Occasionally, a gluey part would be stuck to the Wedgewood plates Terrance and Fiona received as a wedding present. Those plates were hidden, and supper served on paper plates.

Terrance and the kids surprised her on her 40th birthday with a she-shed in the back yard adjacent to the garden shed. It had a proper workbench and tools. A smart system was installed so that Jenny, who was a much better cook than her mother, could notify her when supper was ready. Plus, there was no chance of finding unusual bits of non-edibles in their meal.

Eureka!

It wasn’t until Julie asked for a bouncy ball computer chair to help her with her balance for tumbling that Fiona came up with the solution for a spill proof cake platter. She realized that a gyroscopic mechanism could be placed as the bottom to a platter, and that regardless of how it tipped, the platter itself would remain upright. With the help of her schoolmate, Nigel Hicks, who owned a 3D print shop, she was able to make a working prototype to present to a manufacturer. And that is how Fiona’s Famous Spill-Proof Cake Platter, packaged along with the recipe for Bruce Bogtrotter’s chocolate cake*, can be found in any home goods shop worth its salt.

*Found also in Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes