Fight for me

Today was the day. I promised myself that I would not postpone telling Sam that I want a divorce and that I was now a lawyer. I have been thinking about it and I knew I could not wait again. I also knew that Israel would like to know that I would be soon done with Sam. He and I have been going out as friends but I was sure that he would like to move things to the next level if I should tell him that I was divorced. But what I did not know was if I was ready to move things to any level.

I was dressed in a flay floral skirt and black singlet. My hair was bundled inside a net.

It was twelve and Sam was not yet back. I had decided to accept the job that Globacom gave me. It was in Abuja, I have my apartment, my car, a one-month vacation every year and a very large allowance and salary. It was not the best but it was the one I liked. I knew Sam would not take it easy if he should hear what I have to say but I have arranged a line of logic that any sane man would understand. I just hope that he was not foxed because then, he would not be sane. As usual, he was late from work or rather, from partying.

I was surprised to hear the doorbell ring some minutes later. He must have decided to have an early night today, I thought as I went to open the door for him. He came in. I did not smile as I used to do nor did I ask him things and offer him food. My joy was that he was not heavily foxed. It would have been hard to communicate if he was drunk. He was dressed in a grey suit, yellow shirt and grey and white striped tie.

“I want to talk to you about something Sam.” I did not call him darling or any endearments. I used my business voice. It was the voice I used when I wanted to argue something in the class.

“This thing you want to talk to me about, can it not wait till tomorrow? I am sporting a very fine headache.” He did not even bother to look at me as he talked.

God, how did I stay this long with this man? I must be a saint.

I breathed in and out. I was trying hard not to snap at him. He knew that it was not all night that I have things to talk to him about. I could count off my fingers how many times I have told him that I have something to tell him. “Sam, it cannot wait. I have been looking for the best way to tell you this. I think it is high time I got it done.”

He sat down and employed his bored expression. He looked nonchalant like I could be dancing the tango and he would not care.

God! I knew it was wrong to hate my fellow human being but there was a limit to what a girl was supposed to take. I simply hated this man sitting in the chair and looking as if I did not exist. I believed I would need to meet the reverend father for confession.

“Sam, when was the last time you saw me in the daytime?”

“What kind of question is that? Did you stop me from my good night sleep to ask me the last time I saw you in the daytime woman?” At least he has an expression on his face that was not boring. He looked pissed.

“No, Sam. I did not stop you from your sleep just to ask you when was the last time you saw the woman you married in the daytime for the last seven years. No, I did not do that. How dare I? I could never do that. Do I want you to cut my allowance since I don’t have the means to support myself? No, Sam, I would not dream of that. Am I mad?” I was now mad at him. It was like the six-year-old hurt and disappointment that were in my heart were showing and they were begging to be let out. I walked from one end of the room to the other in a clear show of annoyance and agitation.

“Adaeze, I don’t have this kind of time. Why would I cut your allowance? We have not been seeing ourselves a lot but you know the nature of my job. I thought that you, of all people, would understand.”

He talked as if he was explaining something to a little girl, a little daft girl. I was glad that I took birth control because I did not want to have any child with Sam. I could not leave my chances of getting pregnant to luck. I could not afford to get pregnant with everything I had on my plan.

That did it. I had planned this scene over in my head but what he just said and the attitude in it broke the dam that I have kept unleashed for the last seven years. I tried to keep the words at bay but, God, it has been long they were stored.

“I understand that you close the bank by four every day. What I don’t understand is why my husband would be home every day, for seven years, by one in the morning. What I don’t get is why you would wear some funky masculine perfume to work and come back reeking of vanilla or rose. What I don’t get is why everybody is sympathizing with me because my husband is a cheating slimy man. What I don’t get is why my husband does not inquire about how the woman he married spends her time alone at home for the last seven years. What I don’t get is why you freaking married me if you had other women to satisfy the need that you never came to me for.

“Another thing I understand is what you want is a fancy handbag to improve your image. What I don’t get is why you chose me to play the clown. I still don’t understand why you let all the members of your family treat me like a piece of stray trash. You let them insult me and walk all over me like a doormat and I pretend that I do not care but I have news for you. I care. So you see dear husband, there are so many things that I understand and so many others that I do not even begin to comprehend. But mind you, I am not asking you to explain,” I concluded while looking at him for answers.

He looked like he wanted to murder me right there and then. His fingers folded into a fist. God! And I had thought he would look remorseful or something akin to that. He looked mad but I wondered at whom. I was the victim here. I was ready and waiting to find out who he was mad at. When he opened his mouth, my own sagged in surprise and something close to hurt. Sam was selfish personified.

“What did you just call me? Are you insulting me Adaeze because it sounded like you were?”

He stood up and walked over to where I was standing beside that plasma TV. He looked ready to strike me and I was a little afraid that he would do just that. This was not going out the way I planned.

I must admit, I was scared that he would do just that. Sam was as unpredictable as Nigeria power holding company. I wanted to just let it all go and placate him but I knew that would just be postponing the inevitable. I took my courage by the head and faced him. I tried not to insult him. Insult was not the best move right now.

“Sam, of all the things I told you, was that the part you heard? Anyway, I do not care. It is not as if you care about anyone but yourself. What I want to tell you is that I want out of this ridiculous marriage. Since you did not want to know what I do with my daytime, I will tell you anyway. I have taken my WAEC and I am now a graduate of law in UNN. When I told you I had to leave, I actually went for my NYSC. I still cannot you did not notice anything. What kind of husband are you? For seven whole years, you never bothered to know about me. Right now I want to go out into the world and know if I can do anything for myself apart from mopping around in your gigantic house while you go around chasing anything in a skirt and tight jeans,” I shouted at him. I moved away when I saw the expression on his face.

The expression on his face brought stark terror to me. That must be how the devil looked when he put more fuel in the fire in hell. Sam has never raised his hands on me but I secretly knew that he was not above it. He would not think twice before hitting me.

Well, he did not take a long time to speculate on his ability to manhandle me as he dealt me a heavy, resounding, blinding slap. One second he was on his seat looking very furious, the next he was standing up and tearing me a slap across the face. I must say that I did not see it coming. Well, I saw it but I did not know that slap was that close. But that was not the first thing that registered in my head as his very big hands found their resting place on my cheeks. I registered that the room was suddenly red and that the sound of the slap was echoing in my head. I shook my head to clear it. I looked up at Sam; a big cloud covered his face. He looked ready to repeat his action. He put his two hands on my shoulders and shook me like a rag doll. He did not look drunk anymore.

“You want to leave me because you now think that you are important or something? You are still nothing Adaeze. Let me tell you a secret, my women don’t leave me. I do the leaving and you, Adaeze; I am not ready to leave. You will stay in this house where you belong or you will see the worst part of me.”

I wanted to tell him that I was already seeing it that he did not have to threaten me. I also wanted to lash out at him. He did not have any right, not one at all, to touch me in violence. But he was not done with his saying. “You are complaining that I cheat on you. Why wouldn’t I do that when you are so cold in bed and have no skills? Making love to you is like making love to a fish right out of the freezer. And for my coming back late, I am the man of the house, so I come back to my house whenever I want. You, on the other hand, do not have that right woman!”

I opened my mouth to talk and he dealt me another blow which snapped my face to the opposite direction, and he roared, “And you will speak only when you are spoken to.”

I thought that it was better for me to shut my mouth because I knew I was no match for Sam but it seemed like he came back home on the wrong side of the road. The next punch he served me landed squarely on my lips and promptly split it. I fell on my legs that have gone weak. He pounced on me right there on the ground and started beating me like I was a man that angered him. I shouted at him, scratched, kicked, spat and bit him but none of them registered, and he kicked and punched any part of my body that he got his hands on. What surprised me was that I did not cry out from it all. I did not shed any tears, yet.

“You are complaining that I do not touch you, well, woman, I am going to do more than touch you. I am going to exercise my conjugal right today. Come on; let us get you into bed to do what I married you for.”

He practically dragged me to the room. He threw on his four-poster bed and was on me before I could even sit up. He tore the gown that I was wearing. I was now crying and screaming. I knew no one would come to my aid. We lived in the part of the town where one person had so much land and no neighbour close.

He raped me!

I used to think that a man couldn't rape his wife but Sam raped me that night. He mounted on me and, in between slaps and blows, he raped me with all my screaming and scratching. After he was done, I was bleeding all over the bed. He looked at me with a sneer, spat at me and left the visitors room.

I curled up in a tight protective ball and cried. I rocked myself like a baby to console myself but it did not bring any peace to my battered body or my troubled soul. It did not take me time to realize that I was disgusted at my skin. I felt as dirty as a sewer.

I went to the bathroom and stayed there from two A.M. bathing till four but when I came out, I was still feeling very dirty. I wrapped myself and went to my room. As I passed Sam’s room, I heard him snoring like the pig he was. “You will pay for this. If it is the last thing I do in life, Sam, I will, must make you pay.” I made that promise to myself and I was determined to keep it.

****************

I woke up in the morning and yawned. As a film, what happened yesterday flashed in my sleep fogged brain and I came instantly awake. I remembered the beating and rape and cringed. I wanted to take another shower. I went to my bathroom and did just that. It still did not improve the state of my body. I still felt violated. It was eight, so I thought Sam would be off to work. The bed and the room were trashed but I didn’t care. I wanted to get out of the room. I went to open the door but the thing did not give. I tried harder. Only seconds later did it register that Sam has locked me in my room. Tears rushed to my eyes again. I was so frustrated. I tried the doorknob again but it did not give. That son of a stupid dog! How could he do this to me after how he treated me last night? He did not even keep anything for me to eat. He just locked me up like a madwoman and went on his merry way.

I sighed and went back to the bed. I opened the drawer at the head of my bed but my phone was not there. I searched for some time and decided to give up. He must have taken my phone. He even locked the windows and took the key. He also disconnected my room from the gate and door. I sighed again, but this one was heavier. You never knew that you were leaving in an open prison until someone took into their crazy brain to lock you in your room.

After restoring the room to a semblance of order, I went to take my bath and brush my teeth again. I felt like I could not get clean ever again. When I took the first bath, I just went into the bathroom and did my business, but now I paid attention to my body and what it looks like after the battering. The sight that I saw in the mirror nearly made me scream. I looked like a human brutalized punching bag. My lips were split and bloody. My eyes were swollen. I felt pain when I moved but I did not know it was this much. My cheeks were decorated with whelps and black bruises. And my throat has the mark of Sam’s hand around them like a chain. I used the first aid to treat the open wounds and applied balm to other bruises that were all over my body both on my ribs, my tummy, my thighs and my back. After trying to look as better as I could manage, I took aspirin and left the bathroom.

I went back to bed. It took me a good one hour to get back to sleep. I knew I would soon be bored out of my mind. I could not sleep the whole day. I would die just from excess sleep. But I slept nevertheless. I was tired of thinking. I had planned to leave the house and never come back but Sam seemed determined that I was going nowhere.

*******************

A blow to my rib cage had me sitting upright in my bed. The first thing that came to my mind was that a thief must have entered the house. I then looked up to see Sam looking at me with murder in his black eyes. The icy finger of fear raced down my spine. Tears rushed to my eyes and begged to let me free. I held them back. I was about to open my mouth when Sam pounced on me. I covered my face with my hand. As he beat me, he asked, “Who the hell is Israel? So you were sleeping with him and you had the gut to accuse me of sleeping around, you whore.” He beat me more. He was drunk. I registered that through the pain that was blurring my vision.

“I fed you, clothed you, and rescued you from that sorry life of yours only to have you question me because you are feeling important. I shall show you where you are to stay, Adaeze, and that place is right under my foot. Did you dare to compare yourself with my sister? You are not half the woman she is.” As he beat me, I prayed fervently that he would not rape me but God was so not with me these days. I heard the rasp of his zip. Before I knew it, he tore all the clothing that I have on and he did it again.

Three months later

Even through the constant haze, I knew I had missed my period for three months. God was seriously against me. Why did I choose this time to get pregnant? I had wanted a baby when I married Sam but I didn’t want it again, not if it was conceived by the way Sam had been raping me constantly for the last three months. I have decided to stop calling it rape. I didn’t know what to call it; but it was no longer rape, for I did not move or shout or do anything again when he came to do his deed. I just lay there like a block of wood and waited for him to be done. I have been Sam’s prisoner for three months. I have bruises all over my body, courtesy of Sam’s beating. No part of my body did not know Sam’s foot or hand.

I did not even know that Sam could cook. He was determined that I should not die because he made it a point of duty to put food for me in the room. I still didn’t think he was the one that did the cooking. I stopped paying attention to my surroundings months ago. After two weeks of cooking for me, he got me a stove and foodstuff so I have been living in my room, seeing nothing but my bed, TV, books, bathroom and so many clothes. I knew Israel must be worried about me. Sam confirmed that when he so nonchalantly told me that a man that claimed that he was my friend was constantly calling my line and that he came over to see him and asked about me.

“What did you tell him?” I had asked in clear desperation.

He leaned close to me, almost touching his nose to mine. He said in a low and mean voice right into my mouth, “I told the fool to stop calling my wife or I will have him arrested. He hasn’t called since then,” he smiled cruelly and moved away from me. “No one is going to save you from me. No one cares about you. No one cares if you live or die. Not your family, not your friends and certainly not your boyfriend.” He came back to hover over me again. I cringed expecting a blow to land on me any minute. “I don’t care what that Babylon person is to you. I just want you and him to know that you belong to me.”

He pulled me up by my hair. I held his hand to reduce the pain on my scalp. He said into my face, “you are mine, so I do with you as I please. I suggest you get used to that,” he said as he spat into my face. “Get used to that,” he flung me aside like a dishrag and left the room.

`God I hate this man. I know hate is a strong word but no other word can do justice to what I feel for him. The man is rude to his own shadow.

That was when it occurred to me that Sam might be mad, that he might be thinking that what he was doing was right as he was my husband. After he told me that, I had wept. Any hope of Israel coming to look for me was squashed by that message from Sam.

Now as I took my bath, another worry was in my head altogether. I looked at my figure in the bathroom mirror. I turned around and looked at my naked figure in the mirror that covered half of the wall in the bathroom. Apart from the bruises that were now a part of my body design, nothing was out of place, but I knew that my body was changing. It was my body so I knew when things happened to it that was out of the ordinary. And I was having annoying sickness every morning. I did not want to consider the fact that if I perceived any unpleasant or heavily pleasant scent, I lost everything in my stomach except my intestine. I also noticed that I was growing very thin. If I got any slimmer, Sam would be looking for me whenever he entered this room to his evil did and I would be right there on the bed. I had thought I was thin when I was going to university. Compared to my state now, I was very fat. All the bones in my body, even the ones I have not noticed before, stood out and glared back at me at the standing mirror in the bathroom. It was like my image was mocking me. There were scare all over me. Some were bleeding; some were healed while some were still fresh like the ones he inflicted last night.

Look where you landed us. You could not take care of us. Look what we became. You caused it. You caused it. You caused it.

I have been hearing voices in my head for the past three days. It refused to go away. I shook my head but I could not get the voice out of my head. Maybe I was going mad or something. Three months of confinement could do that to someone. I shouted.

“I did not do anything. I tried to correct, to provide for us. I am so sorry.” I was trying to explain to the voice in my head with my mouth that I did not know how it got out of hand.

Tears slipped past my eyes. even crying was painful. I must be going mad if I am having a conversation with myself in my head.

Two things were clear to me now. I was pregnant and I was not getting out of this place anytime soon. Sam has taken it upon himself to play God. As I established that fact, I tried to reconcile to that. I promised myself that I would try not to put the sins of the father on the head of a baby.

****************

“I want to talk to you about something Sam,” I told him immediately he opened the door.

He was drunk again. My fear was confirmed. I was praying that he would not be so foxed when he got home today but it seemed that I was asking God too much. Sam was very drunk and he was intent on doing his deed. I was sitting on the bed and was motioning for him to stop coming closer. He still staggered closer. He was not wearing his suit or his tie and his shirt buttons were mostly undone. On the other hand, I was wearing a skirt and blouse. I have stopped wearing trousers in the hope that it would stop him. It only made him angry and he tried to snap me from the waist as he tried to get it off.

“What do you want to tell me? Tell me when I am done with you.” He approached me in his drunken gait. I scooted and tried once more to reason with the alcohol in his head.

“What I am trying to tell you is that I am pregnant. I am going to have a baby. If you beat me, I might lose the baby. Sam, please! Can you hear me?”